Sorting

Have to choke the words out. Somewhere in all of this thinking are feelings and they get so tangled. No panicked frenzy to be found but the desperate desire to emote what roils beneath the surface of an always composed and placid exterior. Mind racing, feelings tumbled, around and updown like a never ending spin cycle that keeps the rhythm of my life moving. Almost a perpetual motion machine that I siphon energy from while never revealing what lies within. Somewhen, wherehow to strain and fumble and force extrude all of this beautiful, terrible, painful, magnificent life?

Waking to music playing in my head that makes no sense but somehow orchestrates that driving desire to feel, to dance, to whirl and spin and laugh and scream, shouting desperately and ecstatically in the rain that this is me, is life, is feeling, is more, is us, is now. A dervish with no sand, careening out of control in silence with no concern or thought of what impending infinitesimal intersection of living might occur if I just give in and relinquish myself to the release of time and thought and space and others. To not be alone. With and near. Close and touched. Always ever following that wil-o-the-wisp that leads me on my way?

Drivel and scree. I care not. Get it out. Put it down. See it baldly. Throw light into those corners. Make way and space for examination. Let the dust coat my hands and motes tickle my nose till teasing, sneezing, hacking and squinting it is revealed. The past laid open. Breathe deep those adventures forgotten. Touch the mementos collected without thought or care. Remember. Remember. That was me. This is me. I was there. I did that. I knew you. We all rolled out. Served a cause. Took a path. Climbed that mountain. Dove that sea. Wore that uniform. Touched fingertips lightly. Shoulders rubbed and bounced as the sun set over another ocean. Breathed in deeply the salt and wondered where the years would take us. They took us here. They made us we. I am a part of it all and yet I forgot.

Forgot myself. Forgot that space. Walked boldly without a glance back. Striving, living, pushing, ignoring, intentionally always moving, never seeking, always finding. More and more and when and how and there and now and for what?

What did I gain. How did it all come together? How did I lay aside that which I would need never knowing where I would land and fall and settle for a moment? I planned, plotted, sought and bought, carefully curating crap that now falls to hand like well used tools unvisited and unworn and forgotten.

I need these things. I kept these things. They remind me of who and when I was. They traveled time and space with me and then waited.

They have been found. I have been found.

I am remembering.

And in there, is love.

Boy