Without meaning to, I found myself lost in music this evening for several hours and took a long musicaljourney all the way back to times I had forgotten, back to a place where I was a different me. I sat down at my piano and just started to play. I guess somewhere along the way I got lost.
One song led to another and with each finished chord and note my mind would grasp out and remember some forgotten song that I had learned along the way and the time and years flew by. It is strange how melody and music captures time and space for me. Some of these songs and tunes I literally had not played since high school and before and with each recalled note I found myself taking new steps in memory. Faces and places just seemed to drift across the back drop of my closed eyes, and while my chops and fingers aren't quite as crisp as they once were, I really was transported back to spaces in my mind and heart that have been untouched for oh, so many years.
I am not ashamed to admit that I cried. I wept. The tears came and went. Sometimes the music was loud, furious and passionate as I struggled to recall the classical pieces that I sweated and worked over back when I was a boy. Other moments were quiet, sweet and serene as my soul mused over a forgotten love or distant place I once saw or lived in. So many faces. Such different scenery of the heart. Somewhere in the moment of it all, I started singing. While half aware that on a Sunday night that the neighbors were all out in yards, on decks and patios and enjoying the beautiful weather, after a while I was simply lost in the music. I didn't care what they heard. I didn't care that they heard. While I have rarely been able to play or sing for others in my life, this night I sang for me. I sang for all of them in my past. I sang and poured out my heart for all those years gone by. The kid that I was. The boy I became. The gangly adolescent who didn't quite ever fit in. The student. The sailor. The man. Even now, I still am a bit overwhelmed and am simply hoping to capture something here that seems to be slipping away from me. I
But I know where to find it.
It lives in my piano. It resides in my voice. All of that life and love is in my heart. It was never gone. It was merely left idle. Frozen in time by music just waiting to be released by my fingers and raw emotion. How strange to have let this gift gather dust for so long? Such a way to pour out that deep pool that so often lies silent and still.
Damn.
It felt good.
daemon
I hate to write like such an ass but I've felt this ..about what you're actually telling me and others...for a long time. I feel like it's past time that you let this go. Sometimes it's like the stuff that you write isn't even real..like you're fully living up to the title. It's so fake that you don't even believe it. And I don't really know why I bother on occasion to come back and read if for no other reason than I do care. I'm sure I'm coming off as a complete asshole like a pastor that wrote me kind of a hostile letter as "my loving pastor" did several years ago. But seriously..if this that you keep writing about is real..then you're heading for another break down like you had last year. You really don't like what you're doing. You throw yourself into it b/c you can do it and you can do it well but you need a change. I don't know what it would take for you to get to where you need to go but you're needing a change so bad that it's really beginning to tear the fabric of your insides out. It's going to affect your health at some point if it hasn't already. I personally believe that what you just wrote...that playing the piano was a breath of fresh air..won't last for long. Maybe not tomorrow, the next day..I don't know when but it won't last long. Your totally dissatisfied. Totally. And for you to continue to ignore it is unhealthy. I'm not really gay so I can't say that I can truly understand more feminine guys than me but I am in touch with my feelings so some people think that I'm either gay or feminine. Maybe I'm just lying to myself? I can't satisfy an answer to myself. But I keep feeling what you're writing and it almost feels like a mirror at times...but not the lines that are so...plastic. Nothing I write is ever made up. Everything I write is always real. It may be boring but I always end up with more readers than I'd ever dreamed of and actually want. Dude you read like you're falling apart. I would recommend that you let go of whatever is eating you and trust the God that you used to write about even if it doesn't appear to you or to the rest of the world that you're going the right way. You've got to find a way to get more rest and to meet with your friends that really haven't abandoned you...it's just that they're busy and living different timelines and stuff is going on in their lives too...or go somewhere different and meet new friends. Or you can continue with this same old same old that got old quite some time ago. Good luck and happy hunting.
ReplyDelete"Or you can continue with this same old same old that got old quite some time ago"
DeleteYou do sound like an ass. If it was easy, it would've happened already.
...Uhhhh...no...it's only hard when u keep focusing on things that you either can't have or can't have right now..it really is easy to turn the switch off in the head and say "i'm letting go." but u have to make that mental decision until u get to wholeness. It won't happen on it's own. I may sound like an ass but at least I'm facing reality which for some reason a lot of you won't do. You are resisting the truth. Some of you don't like in-touch-hetero's to actually read & understand even though you keep whining about heteros not accepting you. Do u really want acceptance or do u want to keep ur homo-only culture? If you want homo-only, then there will never be cultural acceptance b/c there will be no way to integrate. People make things so hard. I've had a lifetime of learning how to just turn the switch off and it really never does get easy until you learn to let it be. I don't stop caring for people but I do stop accepting their perceptions about me. We are really shaping our whole world and forming it in our own minds. If there's any problems it's just in our minds. I came back here mostly expecting a horse whipping from D but come to the light that he's not the only one ready to dole out vengeance. But whatever.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I want to apologize for being flippant. But you seem really judgmental from your post. Just my opinion. And again, I apologize.
DeleteSecond, you are really hard to follow, just my assessment. But to respond to this idea that "we can just turn the switch off," I don't think people can generally. Maybe you'be been able to but expecting the same ability from people is externalizing what may be an innate ability...in other words, just because you did it doesn't mean it's possible for other...try as I might, I can't help but feel sad on rainy days, as irrational and illogical as that is.
Third, I appreciate that you're an "in-touch-hetero" but I really don't see how sexual orientation has to do with any of this. I certainly didn't discount your opinion because of your sexuality, that would be highly hypocritical of me, as well as nonsensical, because again, I don't see how daemon's post had anything to do with sexual orientation. Sadness and joy are experienced by everyone.
I do appreciate the comments but am still trying to wrap my mind around them and understand what you are saying. Being provoked to think is a good thing in my book. I just can't really understand your perspective or exactly what it is you are trying to communicate to me. Is there any way to distill your message more precisely, or at least your own personal observations about my life?
ReplyDeletedaemon
I do find it strange that after you commented here, you removed the direct links to your own blogs and any attempt to see them results in being denied without permission. What exactly might be your motive for speaking up? I would like to think that you are trying to impart some insight or wisdom based on your experiences, but now I am not sure what to think since you are now speaking from behind a wall.
ReplyDeletedaemon
Sing again, sing more, let it pour out of you like wine from a bottle or a water over a fall. Sing for nobody other than yourself and let those memories, feelings and recollections be free. What a wonderful gift music really is, yet we seldom give it enough thanks. Have a great week.
ReplyDelete