Looking

I wish I had something great to say here, but tonight, I really don't feel like I do. Something still compels me to at least get some words our, even if only to make a little sense of all the thoughts, feelings and questions whirling around in my head.

Yes, life has been busy and I am realizing that I need to take a break from the manic pace I have been setting for myself. I completely get that mentally, but it still has not sunk in. Today I took a look at my benefits form and saw all the hours of accrued vacation from this past year and had a hopeful wish that I could use it but, to be honest, I am not sure what I would do even if I did just walk away for a while.

I had high hopes for this summer. Lots of different plans for little trips and getaways. Sometimes with friends possibly, and others only with myself. I never planned them besides the occasional wistful musing. I didn't get away and now today I find myself in August. Where does time go when life gets so busy? Am I somehow hiding in work and activity in an effort to quiet some of the things inside myself I am a scared to face? That is a complete possibility. I know I have withdrawn from life as much as I humanly can.

I cannot hide from myself.

This morning I woke up and as I went through my morning routine, a question came to me. I stopped shaving and I looked as deep into my own eyes as I could.

"What am I looking forward to?"

Followed immediately by,

"Why am I even here?"

That is all I have right now.

Those are two questions I would like to answer.

daemon