That time I was scared to be myself

So this evening, after good conversation with a new friend as we

plotted the future, I had an interesting adventure. I hesitated to share it, as it painted me in a rather inept and weak light, but after some reflection, thought it was note worthy, as some lessons learned stood out to me. (New friend is a guy I met on a camping trip with old friends a few weekends ago. Don't really know him that well, but we hit it off and he contacted me to hang out.)

My friend left to run his errands and grab dinner and I went back in the coffee shop for an ice tea refill, before I hit the road. While doing so, I took my car keys out of my pocket to have them ready for putting my rain coat in the trunk, as it was still dry out, though clouding up quickly.

Unbeknownst to me, when I removed my keys, a very sentimental and important ring fell out of my pocket and rolled across the sidewalk.

After getting my refill, a young guy approached me with a smile and held out the ring I had dropped, letting me know he had seen it fall and that it rolled right to his feet.

I thanked him profusely and went out to my car across the street to stow my rain coat and prepare to leave. As I walked across Broadway, the thought came to me that I had several fresh chocolate chip cookies in the trunk and that I could give them to this guy as a "thank you" for returning my ring that I had not known was lost.

I placed my coat in the trunk, set my ice tea in a holder and got the cookies out and then firmly closed the trunk to return across the street.

As the solid clunk sounded, I instantly knew that I had placed my keys to the right of my knapsack and they were now locked securely in the trunk. This normally would not be a big deal, but I had just put the hard top back on the car, due to the coming rain and had locked both doors when I arrived at the coffee shop. If the soft top had been up, I could have merely unzipped the back window and opened a door, but sadly, fate had conspired against me this time.

So, I went about with my plan, gave the guy the cookies and then made a call to get a set of keys delivered. In the mean time, I decided to walk over to the Bunker to kill some time and peruse the sales rack. While at the corner, I realized the sun was setting and a large storm was rolling in from the west.

I just stood on the corner of Westport and Broadway, as so many had before me, and watched the sky. Thunder, lightening and random rays of sunlight all competed for my attention. 

After I had made the call, I had set a timer for the arrival of my keys, so I know exactly how long I had stood there watching the sky and raw force of nature.

Seventeen minutes.

Seventeen minutes of stopping, of contemplation, of simply being caught up in the spectacle of life unfolding around me.

I even put my phone in my pocket and stopped texting my friend I was sharing this experience with as it unfolded.

It captured my attention.

I was present.

Simply in the moment.

Sometimes life conspires against and forces us to stop. It lets us repay kindness in kind and then halts our steps, slows our roll and demands our undivided attention, if we will watch, look and listen.

I need more of this. My world and evening is and was a better space because in haste, I made an error.

There are no mistakes.

That ring had been on my finger earlier. I had taken it off and put it on a few times as I debated with myself. It never would have been in my pocket if my own interior self-doubt hadn't clouded my personal perception and resolve. I removed it due to my own mistaken assumptions about another. For some odd reason, I really wasn't sure if I wanted my new friend to know that I am gay. We had shared time and life on the camping trip, but it had never come up and one never knows if old friends had filled in new friends on random information. I did not want him to see me as "less than" and it had been a long time in my own life since I had considered my orientation and sexuality as a detriment or something to be ashamed of. I am not sure where this came from but it certainly has given me something to consider and ponder about myself and where I am at with self acceptance and personal emotional health.

If it had not been in my pocket, due to my insecurity, it would not have fallen out. I wouldn't have met Sam. He wouldn't have returned my ring. He wouldn't have got chocolate chip cookies and I would have missed the stormy sunset.

There are no mistakes. Even the errors we make bring us closer to others and teach us about ourselves. Both today and tomorrow.

I won't be taking that ring off again, but I am sure glad that I did.