Merry Christmas: He came ALL the way down...

Final preparation and time to think

The final touches have been added to the tree and decorations. The gifts, as they are being wrapped, are starting to pile up under the tree. Christmas music is in the air along with the scents of all the baking I am doing. Somewhere in all this codeine induced haze, the Holiday Spirit is finally finding me. Cookies are just out of the oven, soon it will be time to start on my secret recipe fudge, everything is prepped for the pies and cakes. In each room, the warm scent of cinnamon, nutmeg and happy fills the air. A few candles lit were just enough to get me going this morning and I know this weekend is going to be a great success with family and friends, no matter how I might be feeling! I am soooooo excited!

Being sick gives you time to think. Those extra hours in bed, in that in between spot of awake and asleep, all kinds of thoughts and memories start swirling around. As I laid there this morning, struggling to come to the surface, I was struck once again about all I have to be thankful and grateful for. My family, the friends I count dear and all the numbers of people that make my life so rich and amazing. Who ever would have thought it would have turned out this well?

A bitter sweet kind of nostalgia ran across my mind as I thought back on the Winter Solstice and Lunar Eclipse of the other night. It seemed a fitting closure in my mind to my relationship with Michael. That was our anniversary and this holiday will not be spent together this year. So many "hoped for's" about the future that did not come to pass, but also many great memories and lessons learned about myself and daring to share life with another. I do not know what this year holds for me as a single guy, but I am okay with that, I think? My mom must have asked me ten times if "someone" would be coming with me for Christmas Dinner and I kept reassuring her, "No, Mom...it is just me this year." She always wants to make sure she has gifts for anyone who happens to join us and also knows how unpredictable I can be, especially around the holidays. She told me she would be ready for "him" just in case, you know. I think I get my eternal optimism from her. Hope springs eternal in matters of love and heart. I am ready for "him" too, or at least more ready than I was a few months ago. *Sigh*

This is truly my favorite time of the year. Lights everywhere, smiles on faces, shoppers bustling about and inside of each and every person is that little kid who just can't wait for Christmas. I think it brings out the very best in each of us, this holiday we celebrate in our own ways. My heart goes out to those who have no one to share with and my family each year makes a special point to bring Christmas to another family who is in need. Gifts for the children and parents, food for the pantry and a Holiday Dinner, something for each one we know that would do without. This tradition started years ago when I was a kid and has become more special for us each year. It is now more of a focus for us than our own Christmas together. It is a time when we come together to share with others what we have been so richly blessed with. The smiles on faces and tears in all of our eyes make some of the simple sacrifices worth it all.

I have to get back down to the kitchen now, but wanted to just put a few thoughts down as I went this year. My thoughts are turning back to home and I am so happy to be able to share this time with my Dad and Mom, sister and brother and all the friends we make our family. I love each and everyone of you.

Daemon

Posting from Bed

Hello All! Just me here, poking my head and arms out from under the comforter where I have been curled up and sleeping for most of this day. The long and short of it is that I am sick. Not sick in the head, though that may be the case at times, but ill in the body. I have been ignoring the symptoms and signs for about six weeks now and kept working both jobs and hanging with my tough schedule of work hard and play hard.

It caught up with me. Big time.

Today found me at the hospital submitting to all kinds of tests, x-rays and all the poking and prodding that comes from being used as a human pin cushion by sadists bent on humoring themselves with my pain. Wait...I mean doctors. The good news is that I do not have pneumonia, the bad news is I have a combination of acute bronchitis, laryngitis, influenza, sinus and dual ear infections.

Huh? I don't remember feeling that bad, but the tests don't lie. So now I am back home, thank God, with an array of medicines, pills, inhalers and what ever along with a healthy soreness in my bum where they kept jabbing me with shots. I am sorry, they call it "the upper thigh." It is NOT my upper thigh! If I am naked and you stick a needle in my ass, I am sorry, it is my ass that hurts, no matter what you call it! At least my nurses were cute. I sure didn't mind getting naked in front of them but am also glad that nothing came up too much! It is awkward making eye contact, even with a health professional, after they have seen and touched your junk. One guy....grrr. Short, dark eyes and curly hair, strong, warm and soft hands....moving along!

Anyway, so posting here from bed after some much needed sleep and I must say, I already do feel a bit better, or that may be the codeine talking, not really sure. At any rate, by Christmas Day I should be feeling good and able to join in with all the activities of family and friends. What a strange holiday season this has been. All this sleep and even a day off work has helped so much!

This would be some perfect weather to be cuddled up with someone, but I must say, I wouldn't want to snuggle up with a sick guy, no matter how attractive. Call me crazy, but there is just something a bit un-attractive about a coughing, snot leaking, no voice sounding guy...lol  Maybe nurse him back to health, sure, but snuggle time...not so much.

My brain isn't working so well at the moment I am discovering, so I am going to cut this short. Nothing huge to say really tonight, just that I  have been sick, I am recovering and hope to be back on my feet by the weekend. More news later and maybe I will get around to writing a follow up on Sex, Sex, Sex.

Daemon

Teenage Dream

A friend of mine shared this video today and it was the first thing that I watched after I got home from work. He really has some talent and is pretty cute as well, IMHO. Reminds me of the scene in Glee I caught a few weeks ago. Hope you enjoy! I freaking love creative people...and if they happen to be hot guys, that helps too. Just keeping it real! :D

Daemon

The "War on Terror" and the Repeal of DADT

This clip was shared on a friends blog and I loved Jon Stewart's take on the issues. This guy makes me laugh and think all at the same time.

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Real Conversations

It is wee hours of the morning, but my mind is running 120 mph in second gear, so the RPM's are high but am not red lining the drive train just yet. Needed to stop here and get some stuff downloaded out of my head before my body will accept the notion of a night's restful sleep.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity. Preparing for the holidays, getting the house decorated, shopping for gifts, helping friends, working a butt load of hours, catching up with family and desperately trying to carve out a bit of space for myself when I am able.

Work is going smashingly. I truly love my jobs and the amazing people I work with. I have been so blessed this season financially that it is really hard to take it all in. While success has always found me, my employers and customers have went out of their way to ensure that I am appreciated and for that I am deeply grateful. Just the other night I waited on a foursome, and the gift they left for me truly had me in tears. I picked up their check and the older gentleman, the father I presume, said he needed no change, that it was all for me. I said thank you, wished them a pleasant evening and rushed off to attend to my other tables and two banquets I was captain of. When I returned to my station to close checks, I was stunned and into my head sprang the verse, "My God shall supply ALL your needs, according to His riches in glory, in Christ Jesus." I pride myself on the service that I can provide people and am fantastic at my job, but man, this really got to me. I am actually tearing up just thinking about it now. That God, even with all my problems and fuck-ups I make, still loves me so much that me can move strangers to show me His amazing love! I do not deserve any of this.

The last few days I have had the opportunity to connect with a new friend and share some intriguing and fascinating conversations. Everything from theology,  the finer points of doctrine, to the things in life we enjoy and our pasts and present lives. I guess in making a new friend it has got me to thinking about how very rare that authentic and meaningful communication occurs these days. Our lives get so full of business that we often do not have much time for anything more than fleeting and surface dialogue. To be able to open up and simply think out loud with another person, without any preconceived notions, ideas or agenda has been truly liberating for me, to say the least.

In the past, my life has always been full of incredibly close relationships, Whether it was my partner or boyfriend at the time, or friendships made through childhood and college to those connections with my shipmates in the Navy, I was always blessed with an abundance of diverse and challenging people to share life and space with. As of late, those connections and interactions have become more scarce. Life takes us away from life and somewhere in the midst of it all, we lose touch with others and more sadly, with ourselves. There is a certain safety that is found in the null space of meaningless conversation that lets me retreat back into my head and heart and neglect sharing who I am and what I deal with on a daily basis. When we make the time to connect and share heart and head space, something amazing happens. It is almost like a transfusion of life and in the trading of ideas and exchange of history, I rediscover that person I was and the one I am becoming.

Tonight (this morning) before bed I think of another verse, due to where our conversations touched on. David said in Psalm 51 the phrase, "my sin is ever before me".  I took a walk down memory lane tonight and found some dark corners that I had not thought on in years. Things that some would consider secrets and shameful that are merely events that have transpired in my past. I never carried a huge emotional load attached to them as I had to compass or bearing to compare them to, but now, on this side of my faith, I feel an incredible pain and loss for some of the choices I have made growing up. When everything was happening, I simply lived and reacted, survived and experienced. I never told myself or others "No" and simply made the choices to sacrifice anything and everything as long as it got me where and what I wanted. I almost became an emotional cannibal of sorts and would continually tear off huge pieces of myself in exchange for the position, power, experience and connection that I have always so deeply craved. Even as recent as this week, I have found myself in places and with people that simple choices eventually brought me to. Even in these near mistakes some peace and victory can be found. Waking up with your arms around another person who cares for you is rarely a bad thing, especially when good choices have been made and no regrets exist.

It was pointed out to me tonight, that possibly in all these years I have been searching for something.  Or maybe I am searching for someone? I know that I am a life long wanderer and desperate sojourner. A motto in life for me has always been, "I walk the earth." One that ties in crushingly with the concept that, "No man careth for my soul." Even my name reversed spells out the call of a nomadic existence. Always running, always moving, the next horizon, the next new space and place...

So these real conversations... they happen. They are not planned. They cannot be forced. They organically spring from time and opportunity. The ability and responsibility we have to be vulnerable towards one another, to share love and compassion for others on this journey and to lay aside, even for awhile the pride and arrogance that all too often masks the small child that hides within. I have been challenged in my thinking, pushed beyond the scope of my small faith, inspired to live in a different way and had my burden lightened simply by talking to another friend. Somewhere in all of that, an intersection happened and I am elated and excited to know that none of us are truly alone in this life. Not as long as we keep reaching out, with open hands and hearts, to share what little truth some of us may possess. It is in these meetings of the minds that life happens and I see just a tiny glimpse of what true community and ministry between Christians is supposed to be.

Those who love us are fearless enough to confront us when wrong, compassionate enough to listen to confessions and gracious enough to extend simple forgiveness illustrated by a listening ear. Though time and distant separates us all after a fashion, there is still always room for yet another soul in our lives. I have never heard anyone ever express the sentiment that they had too much love, too many friends and an over abundance of compassion shared with them.


In my life, I have always deserved my enemies...but never my friends.

My request to you all is to seek out those friends, those emotional lodestones, the compasses that live in others that we all have somewhere and make connections. Share life. Talk about where it hurts. Share the joy and happiness as you find it. Bear each others burdens. Talk about all the silly stuff we forget about as we grow into adults and make life amazing and connected for the people around you. This is why we are here. This is why we care. In it...we can make a difference.

Pax,

Daemon

Let it Snow!

Off to do my Christmas Shopping!

Snowy Sunday Morning

Woke up this morning to a blanket of snow all around the house. It truly feels and looks like Christmas time now! The last few days have been a freakin' whirlwind of work, activity and getting ready for the holiday. I truly forgot how busy things can get with family, friends and all the different organizations I am a part of. Went to a fund raiser yesterday at the Armacost Car Museum and got to see Ben's car that was finally completed by their team, truly a work of art! Had a great time visiting with all the car clubs and then had to beat feet to get ready for work.

I am enjoying being back in the restaurant business after all the years away. I missed the energy and bustle that comes with making peoples nights truly spectacular. I also missed the stacks and stacks of cash! :) I love the people and place I work at. it sits right on the water and last night was amazing. The snow was blowing outside, the fire was roaring in the twelve foot tall fireplace and it was truly merry and bright.

Today looks like more work for me I am afraid. This is the second Sunday I have had to miss church on account of schedule conflicts, but that looks to be resolved by this next week. Working night and day is certainly burning me at both ends, but it is good to stay busy, since free time and I do not mix so well.

I will be back later to throw out some more of my thoughts on sex and being a Christian. It has certainly been on my mind the last week and I am trying to discern what I truly believe and have been reviewing my life as well. So many things that I want to write about, but not enough time to do so! I hope you are all well and looking forward to this coming Christmas season! Time for me to get dressed and head out to work now, so talk at ya soon!

Daemon

Sex, Sex, Sex: Part One

This post is NOT going to be some sordid story about getting laid or a collection of verbal porn, ripped from my life and displayed in front of the world as some kind of visceral trophy. It is simply about sex.

Over at GCN (www.gaychristian.net) we have been having a discussion about "casual sex" that I started in hopes of finding out others opinions on the matter. Needless to say, it has been quite interesting. Peoples morals and belief systems seemed to be tied quite closely to how they perceive and practice in their own personal lives.

Now, I am in the middle of getting ready for work, so do not have a huge amount of time, but at least wanted to bookmark the idea for myself to come back to. What do I think about sex? What does it mean to me in life, in the context of a relationship and out of it? I am learning quickly that much lore about sex from others is something learned and taught, a set of adopted values, rather than an experiential and authentic view of it, based on that persons own personal experiences.

Sex is always pretty much in my head, on my brain, right behind my eyes and throwing all kinds of chemicals through my body. It is definitely up there on my priorities in life. I like sex, eating, sleeping, recreation, friends and family, not necessarily in that order, but in some kind of fashion there of. Please do not think I am ignoring love and all the amazing things that come with relationship, I simply only have a few moments to jot a few things down before I hit the shower and start my day. Man...I love coffee!

I will be grabbing some time later to write about this topic. Sex as I see it and have lived it. I am sure that many will not agree with me, but I do not want to simply regurgitate something that was handed to me, nor do I want to write my experiences on others, like some type of emotional transference. I do see it as a basic need in my life. It may be the way I am chemically hard wired, but sexual interaction with my own body and others is something I enjoy and that completes how I view myself as an emotionally and physically stable and happy human. When not in a relationship or having sex with a friend, I jack off usually at least 2-3 times a day, as I need it and find time with such a crazy schedule. I am not saying that is "right" or "wrong" merely stating that at least a few orgasms a day keeps me on an even keel and a smile on my face instead of a teeth bared snarl. I kind of start feeling that thing swinging heavy between my legs and start hunting if I do not.

So yeah...sex. I will get back here and start putting some of my thoughts down, once I get a space in the day hopefully to do so. :)

Daemon

Slow down Time!

December is a fast and sneaky month. He sits back all year, quietly in the corner with promise of Holiday and Happy and then when he shows up, it is a full tilt run. Can it really be the 6th already? I still have way too much to do and not enough days to get it done. The schedule is filling up fast and I still have more decorations to get up, gifts to buy, cards to address and mail...wow. I am usually more on top of things, but it got me this year. Guess I was kind of busy with life?

Today is my first boyfriends birthday. My very first love, my first kiss, my first everything...that special one that you hold in your heart for the rest of your life. That one who carves out a place that tells you for the rest of your days that true love is real.

I still remember the first time that I saw him and how I instantly knew something different had just happened to me, even though I did not have a name for it. I had come running back into my cabin at summer camp to grab my back pack for a hike and heard someone crying. He was sitting on the top bunk, balled up in the corner. He had just found out that his parents got divorced. Even covered in tears and upset, he was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. It was like something in me clicked and said, "Him".

We started talking and kept talking into the early morning hours. We wandered in the woods orbiting each other, looking, speaking, wondering. What was happening to us? What was this feeling? We had to know.

We were each others shadow for 8 amazing years. Where you saw one, you saw the other. Eight years of shared time and space. Our families quickly learned they had both just adopted a new son. I was at his house or he at mine almost every night of the week and weekends. Family vacations, church, school, sports...life. High School, College, all of it. Always one year apart but not one step behind. I will never forget looking up into the reviewing stand at my Pass and Review Ceremony for the Navy. He had traveled all that way with my parents and family to be there, to wish me well on my new journey, to say I am proud of you, to say I will miss you, to say goodbye.

Time flies...

We are still great friends after all of these years. He is married now...to a girl!  :)They have a beautiful baby boy now and are so in love! His wife invited me to the birthday party, but we felt it best, to keep our distance, as we usually do. Something we were or shared still pulls at our hearts and in moments of duress we still call out to one another. Over the last few years, when we found ourselves in a jam, there is still one person we call when it hits the fan. I think that bond will always be there for us both. We respect each others space but also know that there is no distance, no time and no space that will bar us from coming to each others aid, should the need arise.

It is funny how life works that way. How it moves us on. Even after years have gone by, there are times when no other face or voice would do for us. He has called me to his rescue and I him, always keeping in mind each others current life and never stepping over boundaries between men and family. Our past is just that.

I had never updated my emergency contact card in my wallet and was stunned to see his face on scene after my car wreck. The police had found his name and number and called him at 3 am while I was being worked on by the EMT.

He showed up.

We always show up.

I think that is what love does.

So Happy Birthday to you Christopher. You have built a beautiful and rich life. You are the best man that I know and I am so proud of you. Enjoy this, your day, and know that another soul carries you in his heart alway, no what the matter. Forever is a long time. Remember when I told ya that? :)

Daemon

Different Timing

Life is strange at the moment. The carefree days of Summer and Fall are past and I have having to physically and mentally adapt to a new way of living. The commitment of two very different jobs has left my schedule at odds with each other at times, though no conflicts as of yet. The thing that is sorely missing is a dedicated time for sleep.

I have always been a bit of a night owl, so my over night job fits neatly into my life. I still feel like a little kid who is sneaking around to stay up into the wee hours of the morning. My day job, on the other hand, often requires me to get home at 6:30 am from working all night and then turn around and head into work at 9:30 am. I think my old job of 12 hour shifts is starting to look all the finer, in retrospect. At least then I had an uninterrupted time to lay down and sleep a bit of the weary off.

Such is life though. I am happy to be employed when so many are not and also having a blast being back in the restaurant. Whether I am cooking on the line, prepping for the days banquets and clients or simply waiting tables, the energy and fast pace of hospitality is like a drug to me. I can see that this choice in school and next career is going to be a rewarding but tiring one! :) Nothing like a little excitement to keep things going.

A friend asked me how I am doing right now, and my honest answer was...I do not know. I really have not had time to think about it. Some days and nights are three shifts in a row and the time that I do spend at home are hitting the shower, grabbing a quick nap and taking care of the necessities of eating and house work. I am not sure how I feel right now about life.

I have decided (hopefully) that now is a time to remain single and turn my eyes towards all the things in my life that could use some attention. Relationships with family and friends, seeking to be involved as possible in my community and church. Finding a space for myself and really processing through this year. What a strange and unplanned trip it has been.

Looking back over these last 11 months in the quiet times has been enlightening. I have a had time being present to people and situations, truly engaging in whatever is happening at the moment. I have discovered I am terribly self conscious and always carefully modulate my behavior, language, dress and actions in order to satisfy some perceived audience. I feel that much of my life has been a solo movie, starring an actor, doing the best imitation of myself. Striving to find an authentic voice and way of living is presenting more of a challenge than I originally anticipated. I am so disconnected and disassociated at times, that nothing seems to truly impact or imprint me. This, I think, has contributed to the perception of others, that my life is perfect and I am the most laid back guy on the planet. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I need to find my emotions. I seemed to have misplaced them at some point in my childhood. I tend to live in two spectrums; either happy or simply just confused. I think there are more things to explore than those two sides of a coin.

What this next month will bring, I am not sure. It seems now that I have determined to remain solitary for a while, the different guys I have been meeting and who have asked me out seem to hold an even greater mystery and allure, but maturity and foresight keep reminding me that there is no space for another right now. If I can keep my sexual appetite in check and focus on what is truly important, I think this next chapter is going to be much more simple. At least I hope so. I guess I will not be surprised if all this changes on a whim, but for right now, my mind is made up on the matter. I am content to just be a happy dork at the moment.

Sort of...

Maybe?

Daemon