I sit here in the silence, wondering, what could I have done so wrong?

 The quiet is deafening and the day stretches out before me.

 I will walk alone.

daemon

Happy Mother's Day!

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.  ~Washington Irving

Blurb

Work. It consumes my time. I feel like my life is rushing past me and each time I get a brief respite to concentrate on myself and the things that I love, my schedule and career beckon me back into oblivion. The weeks cycle of work, tasks, sleeping and eating is getting to me but I am plotting an end to this madness. While it certainly funds my life well, as each of my job choices have, it does not leave time for me to enjoy the people, family, friends and activities that I love. I am still trying to formulate the best strategy for rectifying this. Some boundaries are going to have to be created and space and time carved out for me.

My next appointment with Grant, my therapist, is this coming Monday. I still do not have my homework done. It is not something I have intentionally avoided but in the free time I have had, I have not felt like sitting down and journaling about the "wounds in my life" the arduous task of writing out "who I am" or taking that myriad of tests that he gave me. I will get this done before my visit but when, I am not sure. My time is spoken for until midnight on Sunday. Possibly when I get home this evening?

I slept well last night, but then I sleep well every night. I am rested, fed, coffeed and ready to start this day. It is Friday, but with my schedule, this is my Wednesday, so while others with more traditional schedules celebrate the coming weekend, I will be toiling away making sure they enjoy their leisure time and killing the beautiful day away inside a building. That is just all kinds of screwed up. I want to go outside and play!

In other news, I am adjusting once again to being single. I cannot say that I love it all the time, but there are moments and stretches where being solitary is its own reward. I note the time now and realize that I can't delve too much further into that thought but suffice it to say, there are benefits that I am realizing that help me adjust to life and space on my own. Having always been "with" most of my adult life, being "without" is still a rather new head space.

I miss my friends and guys from church. I was not able to attend our guys weekend camping and as I write this, my other group of friends are off in the wilderness camping as well, without me. Am I making the right choices here? I am not really sure but I have begun to resent the lien that this job has on my life. Each day I have to convince myself to not do something drastic, as I usually do, and keep toiling away until I know my best plan.

During the day, I usually think of amazing things to write about here and each time I find myself with a few moments to do so, they all evade me. Am I happy right now? What about the amazing adventures and people that I meet on the time off that I do have? How to capture the thoughts that just keep flitting away due to fatigue and business. Maybe it is time for a break. I really need to take a road trip and see my friend across the state. Too many questions, too few answers and don't even get me started on the whole gay marriage uproar that seems to be engulfing our country. I shall attempt to articulate about that at some later time, sans rant.

So there you have it. Another blase, desultory post about nothing much at all except I work too much. I am missing my life. I don't want to do my homework. Being single doesn't suck as much as I thought it would and I don't have time to write what I want. Whatever.

I'd rather be back on a bench in the park reading...maybe I will be and sooner than anyone thinks or imagines...

daemon

What really happened to Abe Lincoln

Guest Post: Liberty

Morning all.

My friend, Liberty, whom I consider a little brother, sent this note to many of us this morning expressing his feelings and position on the current inequities in this country as expressed by yesterday's vote in North Carolina to write discrimination directly into their state Constitution regarding LGBT marriage. I feel his words speak for himself greater than I ever could, so I share them here.

"I've been pretty silent about the whole gay marriage debate, and all gay issues for that matter, since coming out almost 9 years ago. Never really thought it was much of an issue for myself. But now that I am getting older, I am starting to see friends getting hitched with people they love and I cannot help but to stop and think that as of right now, that will never be me. 


I will never be able to share my life entirely with the person I love the same way that my parents did together. I cannot understand what the fuck is so wrong with two people of the same sex being together. We have celebrities who made the 5 hour marriage famous. We have married heterosexuals who constantly cheat behind each others backs. We have people who go through a dozen marriages in their lives. We can go to Vegas, spend 24 hours drinking heavily, drive through a building and get married while never leaving the car... and all of this... All of that bullshit that goes against the sanctity -the meat and potatoes- of marriage is completely legal if you are straight.


I want to live my life as I see fit. And I want to be happy and free to express my interests and my love with whomever I want. My parents named me Liberty because they loved their freedom to do whatever they wanted in this country. Their love for their freedom was and still is larger than life. Its pretty damn ironic that I can't do the same when they chose my name for that very reason.


And to think that I can't go a week without someone telling me that 'the only difference between hetero and homosexual marriage is who I sleep with'. To those that tell me that, go fuck yourself. Watch the video that I posted a short while ago and you will see why you are so embarrassingly incorrect. 

"But you chose to be gay. And because of that choice, you don't need to have gay marriage. just find a woman to love and enjoy life together." Yeah... I hear this one often as well. Do you really believe that someone with this supposed free will your 'God' granted all of us would choose to live a life full of dead ends and broken dreams? Did your 'God' not tell you to treat one another as you would want to be treated? I chose to be gay the same day you chose not to be. I didn't, however, choose the harassment, the beating I received or the discrimination in the job market. There was also no influence in my 'decision' to like men. I spent the first 12 years of my life going to private catholic and Jesuit schools where I was surrounded with the Christian beliefs that homosexuality is a sin. If anything, don't you think surroundings like these would have steered me clear of the gay train? Hell, for that matter, don't you at least think that I would have grown up to be a religious man? Well, I'm not. In fact, it is the very teachings I was taught in school that made me develop a total disgust in religion... Well, all but my own religion. 


I practice self religion. It's where I don't follow a God. I follow myself. I do what I believe to be right for me and for the people around me that I influence. I do not steal, I do not murder, and I love everyone no matter what race, creed or sex. If religion was not around tomorrow, guess what? Gay marriage wouldn't be an issue. I find it so damned funny when a Catholic tells me that their religion is being oppressed and yet, their religion single handedly banned gay marriage in 41 (or is it 42 now?) states. Yea, oppressed my ass. 


I am nobody special. Just like in the grand scheme of things, nobody on this planet is special. We are all human and we are all equal. I just don't quite understand why some people in our government think that 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness' only applies to some people during some circumstances. Its not like gay is a new trend that popped up overnight like the frozen yogurt craze. Gays have been around since the dawn of time. Hell, ancient Egyptians have homosexual acts depicted in their drawings. The only reason its becoming more and more of an issue is that people are feeling more and more safe about coming out about it. Just like equal rights for blacks and women became law, gay rights will too. Its just a matter of time. I just hope - and dream - that that time will be in my lifetime.


Liberty

Motto of the Day!

"From where I stand, the Sun is shining all over the place..."

Meh

I woke up this morning, went outside, and stood in the rain for a while. It felt good. Came inside, stripped down and crawled back into bed and curled up. Who am I kidding? Even on a rainy day off, I can't go back to sleep once I am up. Washed my face, started some coffee and came down to my office to read up on news, organize a few things that have been on my desk for a while and get my day off started.

Writing here this morning was not in the plan but I find myself doing it anyway. Lately, as more has been going on in my life, I find myself reluctant to share with others, both known and unknown. This might be due to the fact that with each passing day, I find myself understanding myself and my circumstances less and less. Without a firm grasp/control or comprehension on my reality, sharing seems a much more risky proposition and excursion. Why this is so, I am not sure? I usually plunge head long into verbal processing...

So I have rain today. Drove through an amazing storm yesterday evening on the way home from work. Sheets of blinding rain, hail, thunder and lightening, a real "gully washer" as my grandfather would say. While I was amped up on adrenaline and a bit scared, I have to say I enjoyed the experience. It was an adventure of sorts, the type that I have not had for a while in my more mundane existence as a civilian prone to responsibility. When did I become so predictable? The sunset of gold and rose was breathtaking. The skies split right at the horizon and during the downpour we had a spectacular light show with beauty, thunder and lightening. I have never seen anything quite like it in my days.

I am just going to stop writing right there, cause I don't need to keep rambling. I will come back when I actually have something to say or ask. I wonder why "off days" or so very different than a "day off"?

daemon

Thunderstorm

Words have been sorely lacking here lately, and not for want or lack of content in my daily life. I feel I have been overwhelmed by activity, thought, confusion and questions in such a way as to prevent any type of coherent writing or thought articulation.

I awoke this morning, moments before my alarm to gray cool light filtering into my bedroom and the familiar sounds of a Spring thunderstorm. I laid there for a bit and was simply content to be. No rushing thoughts or bewildering emotions, questions or ideas, just being. It was nice.

This weekend will be consumed by work. I find myself with free time in the oddest of places but in the midst of cooking for others and training new employees, the customary rhythm of others lives with more traditional schedules evade me. There are both positive and negative aspects to this which I have not yet come to fully appreciate. The nature of my work has placed me outside my friends life patterns and maybe for a season, this is exactly what I need.

Sleeping for over six hours always leaves me in a somewhat odd head space and it is from there I am trying to think and write. A summary of the past few weeks include time spent with friends, many long conversations, my first visit to a therapist to discuss some issues and much work and long hours. That really is all about I know or can share at the moment. Nothing earth shattering but much to think on and wonder about. I guess this is the place I find myself at the moment. A bit detached from it all is an adequate way of describing it.

I listen to the rain and I am happy. I like the light and sound it brings. Today will be a good day. For once, in a long while, I am feeling that it may all just be okay. Time tends to work these things out. Have a Happy Friday and enjoy your weekend. I will be over here cooking if you feel like dropping by. Peace.

daemon

Wrestling with Bruce

And now...

My mood in sound