Motivation

I received a comment this morning from Max, a blog buddy, that not only educated me a bit but also made me consider my own motivations for speaking out against injustice and where that energy and voice comes from. You can check out his writing and thoughts here if you like. He has a unique perspective on life and his mind and heart move in directions that I admire and respect. http://maxjournals.blogspot.com

While I have only a few brief moments to write this morning, as my work day is starting earlier and running later, I was able to consider it and have come up with a partial short answer.

One of the reasons that I speak out loudly and often at the social injustice, discrimination and lack of freedom and civil liberties on behalf of the LGBT community is my own personal pain. While I grew up in a more progressive family than most and have had the support and friends and community in my own life journey, there still is a lot of trauma, hurt and confusion that I have experienced personally from people in authority, spiritual leaders, institutions, places of education, peers and strangers. I tend to downplay the negative and live with my optimistic outlook on life, but the truth is, I too have personally suffered for my identity. To spare even one young person growing up this experience or to help by sharing in the struggle and promising the hope I know to exist, I sincerely hope that my voice is not simply fading quietly into the night.

I speak out...out of my pain.

This is not the most healthy platform, I realize, and does not come from a place of strength and grace, but it is what it is, at the moment. I do not want to be a voice of pain struggling against what I see as wrong and believe to be harmful to myself and others. There are other places that I can speak from that will reap far better communication and results. I will need to learn to make peace with my past and present. Somehow the grief and agony that I carry with me will need to be laid to rest.

For now, I speak out of my pain.

I hope one day to speak out from a space far different.

daemon

Censorship

Well, the great people over at the Day of Dialogue have censored our entire conversation and removed everything I said while leaving all the supporting anti-LGBT and pro-DoD comments intact. After being asked several times why a respectful conversation was not allowed to continue, I have yet to receive a response. Basically the Chistians once again cannot communicate without total control and refuse to actually listen to anyone but themselves. Fuck them and fuck their religion. That is not the God I believe in.

Feel free to print these cards out and hand them out on campus on April 19th, the Day of Dialogue. :)

daemon

Stand Up!

My current "dialogue"

 · 9,704 like this

15 hours ago · 

• Like & share--Day of Dialogue favorite Scripture: ”Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example …in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.” I Timothy 4:12

  • 
    
  • • 
      
      

      Person #1 That is very true. Just because someone is older than you here doesn't mean they are older than you in Heaven.
      

      
      
      
      
      
      
    • 
      

       ME: Will this definition of "dialogue" include listening to the LGBT youth that you will be talking to/at or will the "dialogue" merely be sharing your opinions/beliefs and side of the story and attempting to refute their reality?
      

      
      
      
      
    • 
      

      
      
      

      Day of Dialogue: Yes, Day of Dialogue encourages a free exchange of ideas & honest conversations among students. Of course, an honest conversation would necessarily involve listening on the part of each student. No student should be forced to accept another's viewpoint against their will. Day of Dialogue is simply about creating a safe place at the table for students of faith who want the freedom to share their thoughts in a loving & respectful way.

      
      
      
      
      

      
      
    • 
      

      
      
      

      ME: How will you address the very real concerns that FOTF's stance and Day of Dialogues belief system does NOT create a safe space at any table, but rather one of hostility and opposition to a LGBT persons very existence?
      
      
      You are setting aside time and space to communicate to individuals unlike yourself that their innate identity and humanity is centrally flawed, broken and needs to change, according to your faith. How could you possibly construe this as a "safe" space for LGBT students?

      
      
      
      
      

      
      
    • 
      

      
      

      Day of Dialogue: It sounds as if you are in favor of banning anyone who holds a religious/Biblical viewpoint on marriage and sexuality from expressing their perspective in the public square. Labeling/stereotyping an entire people group as "hostile" based on their religious viewpoint can be a very effective way to censor different perspectives. As for your second pt, We take issue with the phrase "unlike yourself". Actually, those who support our effort are informed by a biblical worldview that every human being is equally flawed and equally in need of God's salvation---including ourselves. There is no difference. There is no hierarchy in our deep need for God's grace. We've also made it repeatedly clear that we believe all students, including those who identify as gay and lesbian, have innate dignity and worth & are sacred lives created by God--and therefore should be protected from harm.

      
      
      

      
      
    • 
      

      Person #2 AMEN, D OF D!!!!!!!
      
      
      
      
      

      
      
    • 
      

       ME: That is an eloquently written response of double speak and a great straw man argument, but it fails to address the real fact that your "religious/Biblical viewpoint on marriage and sexuality" demands not only that an LGBT person not express their perspective in a public square, but also, that in order to be accepted by God, by church, by their families, by your organization and by peers who hold this perspective that they completely alter their natural born orientation and commit to a life of singleness, celibacy, reparative therapy, denial of love and relationship with the whom they emotionally and physically are attracted to, enforced heterosexuality and to joining your religion. THAT is the hope that you offer them? Putting censorship onto the table is a great way to shift the argument to something you can emotionally manipulate people with, but you are asking people to change their identity, something they did not choose, in order to be accepted, affirmed and allowed to be a part of the communities they find themselves born into and living with. THAT proposition, which you so eloquently mask with your "love, dignity and worth" rhetoric is one that you will not admit to.
      
      LGBT young people are not killing themselves because of your excellent example of God's love towards them. They are not committing suicide due to the amazing outreach and support they receive from the Church and their families. They are not making the tragic decision to end their lives because of the fair and understanding dialogue that concerned peers and authority figures are having with them about acceptance and affirmation of their worth. They are choosing to die due to the fact that from their spiritual leaders, their religious families, their peers and from society steeped in rejection of anything that doesn't fit their "Biblical viewpoint" that they are NOT worthy of love, acceptance, relationship and concern. Instead, in the pews of their churches, the dinner tables at their houses, the circle of friends talking, the hallways of their schools, the locker rooms and the sport playing field they are hearing that to be an LGBT person is an abomination, a curse, a special breed of sinner that God despises and that those who follow him must shun, reject, demonize, spew vitriol at and change, fix, save and alter at any coast...at the expense of their eternal soul. That you "love the sinner" but "hate the sin". All that phrase means is that you hate them and they MUST change in order to gain acceptance.
      
      I am a gay Christian. I attended a Christian, fundamental, Baptist, evangelical private school. My Dad is a Baptist preacher. I was raised in church. I am college educated and have served my country in the United States Navy. I am not an uninformed person. I am aware of your teachings, your doctrines, your perspective on the Bible, the ministries and churches that support your views as well as the very real needs in my own communities that have been shunned, damaged, broken and abandoned by the very families, churches and ministries that support your "Day of Dialogue." You have chosen to observe your event as a counter attack and retribution for the affirming "Day of Silence" that is observed by some, at great expense to themselves, and are now seeking to espouse your religious viewpoint to those that have not solicited it. Haven't you done enough damage to your children, peers, communities and fellow citizens? Why can't you simply leave LGBT people alone? They did not ask for your "help". They simply ask for your love. Love is not asking someone to change to suit your beliefs. Love is not sharing with them the news that they are not worthy, not acceptable, not valued until they alter their very identity.
      
      You beg the question of censorship. I ask you, if you are willing to engage in meaningful dialogue with LGBT students on this day, will you listen? Will you listen and hear their pain? Will you keep your mouths shut, if only for a while and hear what they have to say, look into their eyes and accept what they have to say about themselves? I understand you want to share what you believe is truth to them. I know that you believe it is your calling and duty from God. Dialogue is not listening to you can refute their arguments. Communication is not pausing a bit so you can ask someone to reject themselves, change their orientation and join your religion. Listen to them. Talk with them. If they want to know what you believe (and they already do, they have heard it enough at church, home, school and elsewhere) let THEM ask those questions. Give this a chance. Do what you say you are going to do.
      
      In closing, if you are asking them to come to the table as themselves to talk about and listen to what you have to say, to share their worlds and reality, then I ask you...will you join them on the Day of Silence? Will you meet them where you are asking them to meet you? Love doesn't ask someone to change. Love accepts people as they are. Consider it...

Foodie Groupie?

Jim and Tracy welcome Celebrity Chef Ted Allen on Today Now! to show them how to make the most obnoxious, contrived meals for your dickhead foodie friends. Enjoy!

daemon

Bottled up

Today was a bit trying. Okay, that might just be an understatement. In all reality...I feel that life is slowly eating me alive. Each day I get up, shower and carefully shave, stare deeply at those eyes in the mirror and silently ask them, "Who am I?" Putting on my clothes and shoes for work, I try to present a picture of who I wish that I am, but the truth that lies beneath the surface of my polished presentation is more of a jumbled mess of ideas, thoughts, opinion, experience, self doubt, questions, lack of answers and an ever inquisitive wondering about this experience that we call life. I feel that now I am barely treading water, no long fighting and swimming against the current, but holding on in hope of something. A savior? A rescue? The end of it all? I truly do not know.

I am not used to listening to my feelings. I distract myself from them if they are uncomfortable and retreat to familiar haunts and past times in order to make them subside or at least retreat for a while. I think I am upset. I am sad and bothered. Things have not been right with my world for a very long time, longer than I can remember. The high points of glory and joy come to me often but my memory is a fickle master and tends to edit and redact the events and emotions that I do not care for. Each day is an exercise in avoiding the pain, and if it is not avoidable, I medicate with all the many things in my life to sooth and help. I have become the Artful Dodger of my soul and self. Somewhere along the way, I started looking at my shadow stretched out ahead of me and convinced myself that it was me.

So many stories, altogether too many places, a vast string of faces. What have I become? Who am I now? I used to have simple answers to these questions. Time seems to be speeding up and I have yet to find all of myself. Each time I seem to grasp a piece of it, I start seeking another, and in that seeking lose the one that I had grasped. Empty hands, always empty heart. What am I looking for? Why am I always seeking and wandering?

It may be time to start thinking and examining some of the parts of my life that I never share. To take the moments and effort to look into those little black boxes that I have packed so neatly away in the deep, darker recesses of my mind. I am aware of what has happened. I know the choices that I have made. I firmly accept that many of them were made for me. Somehow, someway I need or want to reach back and tell that boy that everything is going to be alright, but I feel that would be a lie. Everything is NOT all right. Things are NOT getting better. If they were, where is my peace?

I don't let these thoughts out much. I cannot afford to. The picture and presentation that I have built of myself has become my insulation and emotional armor, but if I do not start sharing and talking, will I ever? I cannot imagine carrying all of these things in my heart to pass with me when I die, though I have sworn to do so. I cannot fathom that long green mile alone. What will become of me when I let others truly see me? I am so very scared most of the time. I never stay in one place long, as my childish nature and lack or maturity becomes all the more apparent the longer of a space that people have to observe and interact with me. I can only take people in small doses. I am rather solitary though others find me social.

I have to get this stuff out. It hurts too much, but somewhere along the way, I forgot how to answer the question, "Where does it hurt?" I think a better question may be, "Where does it not hurt?"

So I am fessing up. I am not well. I am not happy. I am not at peace. I am not okay. I cannot pull off this charade any longer. The mask no longer fits well. I do not like looking out into the dark from my hiding place. I am sick of tricking myself into smiling and ignoring the bad. I will not let my past continue to haunt me. I choose to not let others opinions about me chain me into silence. I have to break free. I will not let my inner self convince me to do so is selfish. It is time to talk.

daemon

The Three Little Pigs

Thought of the night

Busy life

Just woke up a few minutes ago. I am working today so flipped on my laptop to check my schedule for this week and discovered I am working eight days in a row! I cannot say I am overjoyed at this news but I am thankful for the work when so many others are struggling right now with careers and this economy. I had several of my friends on my mind that I have been missing time with lately and know if will be a bit longer before I am able to see them and spend time together. It has seemed as of late as if my social life revolves around a texting, the occasional phone call and contacting the people I know and care about through email and on Facebook.

To be honest, in the last few months I have started to feel spread a bit thin. While I certainly enjoy my own company and tend to walk and wander alone in my free time, it would be nice to be able to find a happy medium of friends, family and social activities. I know that this business is just for a season but I am feeling the need for more contact and shared life. My community will always be there for me, but I cannot help wondering what I am missing when I am not present. This is going to be a long week.

I feel pretty good, considering I am working ten hour shifts and catching my sleep, rest, eating and exercise wherever it may fit into my life at the moment. I have not been able live as I please lately and that lack of freedom that I once enjoyed is wearing a bit thin, but I know that the pay off for this work and education will be well worth the cost. My mornings start early each day and seem to be ending later each night. My bedroom has quite a few stacks of clean laundry that I am able to keep up with, but cannot seem to find the time to actually put away before I need to wear the clothes, so my dresser has been these neat towers of clothing. Maybe I should leave them in the laundry room until life slows down a little bit?

The to-do list of chores I need to get down around the house this Spring is already feeling a bit daunting. The flower beds and landscaping needs tended to, as all the plants are coming on strong now. The yard needs to be power raked, edged and mowed for the first time and the garage is going to need a cleaning after this winter. I am wondering where I will find the time to fit it all in? I can understand now why being married or at least in a relationship where the guys live together at one residence is attractive at times. The added help with tasks and the important things of life gets divided up and the other is able to assist in all the small things that differing schedules allow. Does't look like that is going to happen anytime soon. This last adventure in dating has left me a little boyfriend shy.

Hopefully I will be able to knock my work out with good timing today and get to evening service or at least over to see Michael. He is doing well and we are managing to stay in touch about the important things in our lives. While our relationship and friendship certainly has changed since this last Fall, it is still great to know that we care about and love each other very much, no matter how that relationship changes and is defined. The dogs are doing great and I do need to get over there and spend some time with them all. Things are just too busy at the moment. *sigh*

There are a lot of things on my mind that are kind of escaping me now. I guess I am just concentrating on the tasks and activities that I know must be completed this day and this next week. I still think about many different topics, I just rarely have the inspiration in the early morning hours to write about them. I still want to get a post out on porn, on friendships, about the current state of my family, where I feel faith is in my life now and a myriad of other things that pop into my head at all hours of the day. I guess those will have to wait for another time? The shower is calling my name. There is coffee to be made, clothes to get on, breakfast to eat, a top to get off the car and my game face on for another day in the kitchen.

Happy Sunday everyone, wherever you are and however you may be spending it. We all have a lot to be thankful for and I hope this day finds you doing what you like, with whom you care about in the places and spaces that bring you happiness and smiles. While I don't seem to be getting much play time, at least I am doing what I love as well. Later!

daemon

Wat? Just woke up...

I successfully stayed up late last night, seeing that I have today off, but I completely failed at sleeping in. Guess I am just too used to an early morning schedule to ever do that again. I sure hope not! I woke up just a few minutes ago and have been starting my brain by checking all my social media crap and just had to post that Guinness commercial that my friend, Joe Conrad, sent me. If you get a chance sometime, check out his blog  http://www.trippingandstumbling.com/ . You can find the link over there to the left. Guy can seriously write, has an eclectic and vast appreciation of different music and always leaves me with more questions than answers. In short, a great writer.

So I have today off! I can't remember the last day I had a Friday off to myself, but then, my memory isn't the best or I am just to lazy to figure it out this morning. I gather that many times if I answer "I don't know" to a question, it merely means "I don't want to take the energy to think that much". Guess that would be the more honest set of words to use, but even that would take more words and thinking.

I know I want to get to the Nelson Atkins Art Museum today to check out a few new collections that I have been dying to see. My coffee shop will be in there somewhere, to read, listen to music and people watch. I did some baking last night, so have brownies to drop off to some different friends during the day. Need to call my parents and siblings and let them know life is good. Get my schedule for work this next week. Errands and the bank. Might go shop for something, new kicks or jeans? I dunno...my brain isn't on yet.

Sometime this next week, if feeling so honest and inclined, I will get back here and try to share my thoughts, opinions and experiences about porn. I said "about" not "in" porn, silly! I do have some friends who got involved in that business for varying reasons, but that is their own stories to tell. I want to make sure that post isn't just some rambling crap bag of words and that I actually can get some of my ideas out as they tend to live in my head. In short, for better or worse, I like porn...no scratch that...I love porn, but I reserve on making any type of moral judgement about it for myself and others. I have never seen it interfere in my relationships or life so I guess it lives in a neutral area in my head? Enough about that for now.

I need to go shower and make coffee. I am in a talking mood today, so prolly will find myself back here before I head out into the city. Be right back!

daemon

Guinness, anyone?