I need some answers. Some real concrete, black and white, solid evidence about how I am supposed to live this life. The last four years have been an interesting journey, but I feel in some ways that I have been standing on the promises and shoulders of others beliefs.
These things I know: God loves me. I have a free will. There is a purpose for my life. I am gay.
That being said, I am tired of repeating, to myself and others, the same idea and line that I believe God's purpose for my life is to live single and celibate. That may be the purpose, but saying I believe it hasn't made it any more true in my mind. It still sounds nebulous and foggy, like a whisper that was repeated enough that it took on substance and solidity in my mind.
I am a relational being. I have been made to be with people, interacting and sharing life, and I am tired of being single. This is not a rant, just a collection of ideas that have been in my head lately. I am not sure if it is because of the interactions I am having with other Christians, but I am having a hard time defending my faith and belief in this concept of singlehood against the questions and ideas of others. What really matters?
I have spent a large part of my youth and adult life in relationships. These have always been with other guys, and I was happy, content and peaceful. Life was simple. I am not saying that I am starting to date again, or that I am pursuing or entering into a emotional, physical and spiritual relationship with another guy, but I am less opposed to the idea due to needs and questions I am starting to have. I am looking honestly at my life. Why am I called to such a high standard, when others weakness' are being excused and accepted all around me?
I can still hear, "Shall we continue in sin so that grace may abound, God forbid!" But I am starting to change or possibly lose something. I am not saying I am right. I am just stating where my mind is lately. I am tired of being single. I hurt each time I turn down a date, or make distance in another friendship, thinking and feeling each time that I am losing something, or missing an experience that I so need. I also feel guilty a bit, that I don't feel guilty. I am at peace with my status as a gay guy, but how to live it out as a Christian has me completely stumped.
This might not make any sense at the moment, but I can't seem to express myself clearer. I guess there is just some confusion in my mind and I want to know for sure. I am tired of opinions and people arguing the matter. I can't continue to place my life on hold, while I wait for other people to come to some sort of solution. Please God, show me what I am to do.
I need an answer.
*sigh* It would be so easy to just say go for it. Christ said "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life." It's learning to understand that Way in our everyday lives that is the tough part. What sacrifice does He call us to make, what purpose does He have for us in that sacrifice? Why?
ReplyDeleteThe picture you included here makes it seem so normal, natural, desirable, carefree, unquestioning. I made my decision to not continue pursuing homosexual relationships when I was in my 20s. I was emotionally tangled with two guys that was difficult to untangle and let go. They still tug my heart sometimes when I think of them and what could have been. I tried to reconcile them with my relationship with Christ and it never worked for me, as much as I wanted it to. Yeah, it was in a time when it was less acceptable to be in a gay relationship, and I feared for relationships with family, friends, church, job, but I still couldn't reconcile it with what I believed was right. And so I contented myself with living for the Lord, serving, seeking to build good friendships with other guys. At times lonely, frustrated, desirous to be in a romantic relationship. It was when I was involved in serving, focusing on others, when my needs for relationship diminished.
My friend Jay (I think you must know him, too, from his blog - http://collegejay.blogspot.com/) faces a lot of the same issues that you describe. I've appreciated how he deals with them.
I pray for you, brother. You encourage me through your blog. I feel that need for relationship with another guy myself, but I've tried to pour it into building relationships with men in the areas I serve and in church and even at work sometimes. I will keep you in my prayers. It is a strong need you feel. I fully believe that if you place your hope in the Lord, and understand that His Way requires us to be self-sacrificing in some areas of our lives, that He will guide you in ways to be fulfilled. I can tell you have a big, caring, sensitive heart that the world needs, and the body of Christ. Don't give up hope, my friend.
Jeff
I KNOW exactly how you feel.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone.
Sadly most married people in the church have no empathy with what we go through and often times as soon as our closest friends get married they forget you exist.
One of my best friends who is about to get married, and I am one of his groomsmen, changed his phone number 2 weeks ago and never bothered to let me know. He never calls me, doesn't return my phone calls I had to track him down through his mother. We are members of the same church but I think we have only had one real conversation in the past 5 months.
I've lost my best friend.
Am I hurt by this?
Yes.
Do I understand that he is now 100% focused on his bride-to-be and the new life that awaits him?
Yes, but that doesn't make the pain go away.
I've lost my friend to a woman and sadly in some sense that is the way it is supposed to be.
Contentment is something that is learned and it is a very tough lesson.
Loneliness sucks big time.
So I look for other avenues of fellowship within a church that more or less ignores me with the exception of one of my elders and one of my other closest friends.
I find dwelling on myself, my wants, my desires and needs doesn't help. But being alone with my thoughts my mind tends to dwell on what is in front of me, which is me.
I look for moments of sunshine breaking through the spiritual and emotional dark cloud of darkness and I find them in God's word, in brief times of fellowship on Sundays with the church and in setting my mind on the task God has put in front of me.
I wish had more interaction with Christians and finding "my sufficiency in Christ" often sounds more like a bumper sticker quotation than an obtainable goal in this life.
But I press on by faith and hold fast to His promises because that is the only hope I have in this life.
Know this, I love you and wish we could hang out but we aware of looking for emotional saviors in other people.
Jesus doesn't like the competition.
I know this can sound like a Christian cliche written on a coffee mug that doesn't fill the void in your life, but don't worry about all the stuff in your life instead seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these other things will be given to you. (Matthew 6:33)
I'm praying you you as I write this.
Erik