Rest is good, except for all the thinking

Welp...home alone on Saturday night taking it easy and watching British comedies when I was supposed to be out to dinner with Michael and what not. He called and left me a message asking if we were still on for the evening, which baffled me, because we did not have plans to my knowledge. I called him back and asked what was up and he said we spoke yesterday and made plans for dinner out on the town. After a really odd and uncomfortable talk we decided to get together this next week and I hung up thinking I was losing my mind.

After checking my call logs on my land line and cell phones I realized, he couldn't have called me and I know that I didn't call him. What was all that about? I'm so confused and now I look like the crazy one. Guess maybe he thought that he had called me since he had planned to? I don't know, after not communicating on a daily basis for awhile, it did feel a bit awkward talking to him. He says he is doing well but he sounded a bit off, if you know what I mean? Oh well, staying in and resting my back will probably do me good.

The last couple days being laid up has given me entirely too much time to think about stuff and kind of left me in a strange mood. Kind of revisiting my past and wondering about all the decisions I have made. The guys I have dated, shared life with, slept with. The schools, the Navy, all the cities I have lived in. Sometimes I wonder if I chose anything at all and life is just kind of happening to me. Is this all there is sometimes? Just making money to buy crap?

I really have missed love today. Watched a film about Cole Porters life, which then led me to listening to all his music on love and relationships and man...it kind of made my heart twitch. Call me an old fashioned romantic, but I want that kind of love in my life. Some other guy who will say "I do" back to me in front of God, family and friends and that I can love and cherish for as long as we both shall live. *Sigh* I want someone I can dance in the dark with to slow music and hold when we are alone...

Guess I just feel a bit melancholy this evening. Part of it is the medicine I know. Part of it was not choosing to go out with Michael. I do miss him so much sometimes. I want to be loved again and have someone to care for and now my back is jacked up and I am stuck moving at a slower pace and the pain freakin pisses me off.

I guess I sound like some whiney boy but it does suck donkey balls at the moment! I am ready for church tomorrow. Ready for my phone to ring. Ready to meet Mr. Right. Ready for school to start. Ready for something new and different.

Guess I am just waiting for something to happen. I just don't know what.