Facing Walls

Yesterday was a life altering day. It started simply enough, but the ensuing drama and aftermath has greatly changed the way that I view my Dad and strangely colors my perspective on my past.

I went over to my parents house to see them, hang out a bit during some free time and somehow a normal conversation with him turned into an ugly shouting match with him stalking me around his house, tearing the life I have built for myself into shreds. How powerful words can be, and how sad to see what depression, loneliness and bitterness in mans life can cause him to do to those he professes to love.

Without many specifics being revisited, as they are painful, my Dad obviously now has reached a position in his life where all the ills of this country and mankind have to be blamed on a scapegoat. He has usually picked the government or liberal minded people as his targets, but somehow this has now shifted to me and all the other gay people in the world. We are now the chosen ones for his vilification, hate and venom. This baffles me, as my orientation and relationships have always been a transparent thing with my family since I was a teenager. Suddenly now, I am in the wrong?

His world view is measured by money and his terms of success can always be counted in dollars. He looks in bewilderment at my life and cannot fathom why I would chose a life that is rich and expressive in so many areas, over a life time of mind numbing toil to pile money up and acquire power. I am a successful young man. I have always had a knack at making a buck and have also always been a saver. This gift, I suppose, is what has let me explore the different paths in my life and created the space I need to keep rediscovering myself. I am certainly not destitute nor in any danger financially.

He sees my choice to attend school again, to pursue a passion for culinary arts, as years wasted while I should be making more money and strengthening my position in the world. He has come to a point where the power of a dollar means more to him than the love of a person. His resentment, hate and fear of my orientation has now caused him to regress to a point where I am the enemy now, not only of himself as a person of faith, but of the entire country. I single-handedly, am responsible for the death of a "christian" nation. Pretty amazing stuff, huh?

While this was going on, I kept reassuring him that I loved him, was not upset with him, respected, but disagreed with his position and would still continue to live my life as I was led. I reviewed my accomplishments and success' while acknowledging my shortcomings and the mistakes I had made.

Nothing placated or calmed him. :(

I will not elaborate on all the hateful things that were hurled at me, but it came to a point where I simply had to physically leave his place and was shaking so hard with emotion, rejection and confusion that I pulled over and had to stop driving. I called my Mom and took her to lunch to discuss what is going on with him. It makes no sense and I am very hurt by his words and actions.

This is part of the aging process, I believe, and also may be made worse by the strokes he has had the past few years. It is so hard to not believe what he is saying to me, since I have always valued and respected his opinion as my Dad, as my friend and a mentor. Am I truly an evil and horrible person? Could I be so far wrong about God that I am blinded by what he (my Dad) perceives as sin?

He is simply falling apart and does not have the capacity to truly express what is bothering him. He knows that his family is a safe target due to the fact that, in the past, when we are attacked, the love we have eventually results in forgiveness and peace. He is one to blow up irrationally and then simply act as if nothing has ever happened.  This has always been so unusually cruel to those of us who deal with the aftermath.

The time has come for me to part ways with him and create some space. I do not want to speak to him or even see his face for some time. This hurt is too great. The pain is too vast. The words...I cannot forget. I feel as if a friend has died, somewhere along the way, and I just got the news...way too late.

Daemon