What am I here for?

Well, that last post of the silly gym sign ended up being my 500th post! Rather anti-climactic I guess, but then I do not place much import on numbers. I have had much going on but very little desire to blog about it. I was asked by a friend of mine, David, why my blog posts lately have not reflected what we have been talking about in real life. I replied that I did not want to give my detractors more personal information with which they could attack me with but I have realized that was a bull shit excuse. I have just been scared to be honest about the reality of the conflict I have been involved in and have felt that if I wrote about them here I would look bad. I would have to eat my words about how "good" my life is and no one enjoys being wrong or looking like an idiot.

Some things ARE good right now and those are the things that I mainly share, but by ignoring the bad/different I am not finding any answers to the questions and situations that I do not understand. Now granted, I can't change overnight the way I communicate about my life but I can be more transparent, not only for my therapy but also in hopes of receiving feedback and advice from the different people who find there way here.

Now...I know my ideas and questions will not be popular and I will catch a lot of flack from both sides, but when it comes to matter of faith and orientation I am really swimming in deep waters here. If you are offended by what I have to say, I am sorry. Don't read it. If you feel that you are the sole holder of what you consider "truth" you can also kindly take a walk. This is my actual life we are talking about and no cliche or pat answer from you or some professional "christian" is going to solve my problems or make me feel better. Go blow smoke up someone else's ass.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way, maybe I can hold onto my train of thought enough to get some words down. I hope so...

Church right now is confusing the hell out of me. I have been attending a new church, which I was invited to and have really enjoyed my months there. I was growing unhappy at my first church and didn't really feel like I was plugged into the community. I was kind of the token gay guy and a lot of it seemed like social justice and a place for young people to meet, feel cool about themselves, kind of talk about some God stuff and get married. Yeah...marriage was like the main goal it seemed like. That and being an urban hipster. I love my peeps there for sure, but since I have not been back (mind you I was there for a few years and really involved in activity) for literally 3 months, not one has called or commented about it. Literally when I run into them around the city, they still think I go there. Shows how much I matter.

Anyway, at the new church, I really dig what is being taught and how welcome and loving the whole group has been from the pastors on down. The pastors have even had me over to their house, met for coffee, actually take an interest in me and all of us as a community. The group of guys I have met have quickly become a large part of my social life and we do good stuff and talk all the time about what is going on in our lives spiritually. I have been out as a gay christian since day one and have yet to run into some weird or off response. Def not your usual church.

That being said, I can't get a str8 answer on what they think about homosexuality AND I still kind of have no idea what I think either. I seemed to dangle and sway between two places. Anything goes when the whistle blows and God made me this way OR the crazy crap that some people believe. (ie Fundamentalism, abomination, hell, yeah) Sad thing is, since I grew up being force fed that junk by different authorities, part of me still kind of sublimates it and believes. So what the heck? I know it should only matter what I believe, but I don't even know that on a day to day basis. Where does this church stand? My pastors answer was honest at least, he said he doesn't really know. I know that I am loved there and welcomed not only to attend but also lead and be involved. That means a lot to me, espec during this confusing time.

Now this is the part where people jump in and start telling me what they think about homosexuality and the Bible, and I kind of want them to. If you have more hate to spew, I'd rather not read that or if you think I am called to a life of celibacy, you are one crazy mofo. Read that Bible again, freal.

Okay, church makes me crazy but I like it. What should I do/think/feel?

Next topic: James. We are no longer together. File that one under un-reconcilable differences, namely faith incompatability. Sucks... but that's life. Of course I am hurt, bewildered and confused, but I am not getting into that right now. I actually have met another guy and we have been hanging out some. We are not dating, just having a good time and being friends. I think I am done with dating for a while. These last two relationships have been amazing but have ended for much of the same reasons and they both hurt. If there is anything I have learned is that there is always someone to date. I am sure they can keep till I figure me out again. You know my life was a lot easier before God came along and screwed everything up.

So basically I feel like crap sometimes and when I do, I go out and party alot. Drink till I can't remember a thing in the morning. This has become more frequent and quite frankly it embarrasses me to admit it. Something has to give. My church guys have seen me this way and it's not been cool. Either I am an emotional wreck about stuff or freaking ecstatic and happy sometimes all within hours of each other. What the hell is wrong with me?

I keep looking for love and keep finding sex. I want a good Christian guy, but that never seems to happen. I want to understand church and what God wants for my life but I can't seem to find answers. I am tired of people trying to fix me. I am not a damn project. My real friends who have been there for me over and over happen to be gay and no, they are not Christians, but they have been there for me when all the Christians have headed for the hills. I am learning most guys who believe in God are total flakes. Why is that so?

Oh, and if you come here trying to post ex-gay crap, I will flip the fuck out. I mean that. Sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here. You know its a load of horseshit, deep down in your heart and so do I. I tried to buy that lie right after I believed in God and was really, really hurt when "christian" people tried to fuck with my head. I am so thankful I got away from them and didn't drink their stupid kool-aid.

So yeah, working my tail off, getting more involved in church, good friends, confused as hell about life, recently sort of single but not really and wondering what in the world I am alive for. There has to be more to life than just making money and buying stuff. Right? I need some answers. I don't have it all together and I am certainly not finding it wasting my free time in bars. So there, I'll shut up now. I just wish I knew what the hell was going on and that I could stop feeling guilty for being alive all the time.

daemon