How do I define sex? That is a valid question and the first answer that pops into my head, as a gay guy, is to define "sex" by my homosexual equivalent to heterosexual sex. (anal intercourse) Sorry to my str8 readers for the mental picture that may conjure, I will attempt to handle this topic as sensitively as I can, if I haven't already freaked you out, though to be honest, the things that you do with females triggers the same reaction in myself, just sayin'.
That definition seems to be the baseline for what I consider to be sex between two guys currently but there is an entire range of other activities that are also considered sex. I guess my definition has changed and grown with me as I got older because my initial sexual experiences certainly were not "going all the way". I do not have to get graphic here in the mechanics and details 'cause I am sure you all know what I am talking about, or at least you should. The fact is, as I first explored myself and sharing my body with another person, there seems to be a rather natural progression that I believe most of us follow, whether gay or str8. If sex was measured by shared orgasms by two individuals then I think a lot of us would be considered big whores.
Man, I am just rambling...let me see if I have a point. Oh, okay. If that is how I define sex, with all the other activities being foreplay or just messing around, then what does sex mean to me? Hm...I am really not ready to write that deep of a blog post. Let me switch gears.
To be honest, I have had a lot of sex with many different guys as I grew up. Typically I have had some type of relationship with them, be it long term dating, a boyfriend, a fuck buddy or just friends from school, sports team, church, or a guy I picked up at the club. I certainly don't mean this to be some type of confessional about my sexual history but there is very little out there on the sexual spectrum that I have not tried. A few things do make me squeamish and freak me out so I don't go there, but I have certainly erred on the side of adventurous rather than reserved. Does that make sense?
So what do all these past experiences mean to me? That is a good question. They are a part of me, I know that. I do not regret any of the decisions I have made to share part of my life and body with another person. I do regret and hurt for the times when I have not been allowed to make that decision. (sorry, dark place I am not going to go right now) I guess in my head, when I look back and consider names, faces, places and spaces, I do kind of carry these different guys with me in my heart and mind. We shared something, whether it was love based or just two horny guys having fun and getting our freak on. They add up, but I do not feel that they are heavy. The smiles and warm feelings far, far outweigh any traces of sadness or wistfulness. In fact, the few negative emotions surrounding past partners is almost a homesickness. I miss some of them, and may always miss what we shared. (also not going to veer off into some romantical, sappy path either)
What the hell am I talking about here? I have no idea, I guess . Taking a trip down memory lane or trying to get some thoughts out of my head. Thinking about the fact that I have been dating a guy for a month and we still haven't had "sex". (which is kind of unheard of given both our histories and sex drives) We have decided to wait on that. I have never waited before. I know that he hasn't either. I am not sure exactly why we decided to do that, but to be honest, I am kind of happy and relieved about the decision. We still spend the night, cuddle, make out and get off together, but we have decided that real sex is going to be special. We didn't even break down on Valentines Day! I think we will know when we are ready.
I am just going to shut up now. Sorry for my lack of coherency or any type of point. I haven't had my coffee yet and I thought for some reason that I could write about sex and actually make some sense. I will have to come back later, reread this and try to figure out what was actually on my mind. I am off to shower, slam some coffee and start my day. Ciao!
daemon
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