Listening :)

MIA

An interesting test:  For three days, do not call, text or email the people in your life who you consider your friends and family. See who responds. Profit.

Feeling a bit better today in heart, mind and body. Work went well and just returned home but it was a bit bitter sweet. One of my guys who really works hard and is a lot of fun to be with suddenly quit without warning or notice today. Andrew, your smile and that crazy mo-hawk will be missed. Best of luck to you in all your next endeavors.

Random note: may be joining a gay Rugby Club here in KC (the Carnivores) to play this next season. Kind of interested and excited? More news on that this fall.

Prolly going to take a nap and get some cleaning done around the house. A lot on my mind, but nothing worth sharing as of yet. Still kind of kicking around some stuff that came up over the last few days. Until I know what's up, I'll keep my mouth shut.

daemon

Weather/me

Just finished a dinner of home made vegetable soup with crackers and a few thick slices of sharp, cheddar cheese. Now to steep some hot chai tea with milk and sugar and make ready for bed.

As of last evening, I am now officially sick. Some type of head/chest congestion, deep cough, fever, back/neck feels like someone took a bat to it, kind of thing. Woke up this morning for work feeling less than stellar, I can assure you that. I was like...waaaaaaat? I don't have time in my life for this crap!

Today's cooking adventure kicked my ass. 'Nuff said. The next two days will be the same. For joy... FU New York Yankees Fan Club! FU staying at my hotel! FU getting up super early and eating like Ham Beasts! Pretty much FU!

Came home from work today and just sacked out for about 5 hours. Got up and stumbled around the kitchen making myself some soup and am now getting ready to take some meds and crash back into bed. Missed the dinner at Stephen's tonight, but he understood. Hopefully will be back on my feet by the weekend. Three different parties to attend. A friends B-day at the Foundry, Mick's going away party at 303(going to miss him and his husband so much) and something else I can't seem to remember at the moment. Whatever it is, I am sure some one will remind me.

I am the type of guy who when I get sick, I just hibernate till I am better. And speaking of that, good night. Put away the soup for me and do my dishes, please? Kai...thanks.

daemon

You'll be in my heart... :)

Sure...the song is a little cheesy and the movie was crap, but it still makes me smile. :)

daemon

Sunrise

Sleep left me at three this morning and I rolled over while my brain tried to boot up and match reality with my body. The need to pee was loud but morning wood and the scraps of a slipping away dream conspired to keep me tangled up in my sheets and pillows for just a few moments longer. The alarm that I had forgotten to turn off snicked quietly on and for a while I just laid on my back, sprawled out with my hands clasped behind my head and enjoyed the music and quiet dark of my room.

A day off. :)

I finally rolled my feet onto the bare wood floor and padded my way to the bathroom without the aid of any light. Water fell into water and my morning started with a contented sigh. Slipped through the darkened house in the quiet and poured myself a glass of chilled water while the light from the refrigerator cast my shadow over the counter top as the cool air twisted and tickled around my bare ankles. Water in. Much better. Sometimes I say "Ahh..." loudly and smack my lips after a good drink.

This was one of those drinks. :)

After throwing on a pair of boxers, I went outside and sat  spread legged on my porch and waited for the sun to come up. It was still early so after sitting awhile listening to the sounds of my neighborhood I came back inside. Got my coffee brewing, caught up on my texts and emails and put together a simple shopping list for the grocery store. I probably will do some laundry today and clean up the house a bit. Nothing crazy, just the odds and ends that get missed when life gets busy.

Ventured back outside to the most amazing sight and light. As the sun is coming up, the whole sky is painted in gentle pinks, glowing purple, a hint of green and some amazing shades of blue. The diffused glow from the unrisen sun made all the colors in the trees, lawn and gardens seem surreal and almost dream like. It literally was so beautiful I had to sit down on the porch and simply breathe it in with my eyes. Moments of beauty rarely coincide with time to appreciate them. It is only when I stop and be present that they can sink into my soul and make me appreciate life and the humanity of existence. I wish I would have captured that sky this morning, not only to share it with you, but to save it for another day when life brings me shades of gray.

After checking the weather I decided to put the top up on the car. Forty percent for thunderstorms is certainly worth heeding. I will take a shower soon and begin my day in earnest but wanted to take even a moment to simply jot a few thoughts down before life sped up again.

Sitting and breathing.

Being.

Today is a good day.

daemon

Sleep is good...

Wow. Slept for twelve hours. Was seriously beat, I guess? All that soccer and frsibee did me in, just took a day for it to catch up with me. Waking up now and about ready to tip my first cup of coffee of the day. My body feels good, though a little tight. Might need to run though my stretching twice this morning after I shower. Weather report looks amazing and I have a pretty light day at work. Should be out of there by 11:30 or so and then will head into the city to catch lunch with the guys at YJ's. I love that place...om, nom, nom! I wanna try their new cookies. They look amaaaaaazing!

I really like how when I flex my legs really hard the kind of do that vibrate and shake thing and then my toes all pop. That feels really good!

Hmm...my brain is not awake yet. Be right back...

Mucho bettero! Not sure physiologically what stretching out does for me but I sure like how it feels. I really need to get all my flexibility back. I remember when I was playing sports in school and in the Navy, I could stand straight up and then bend over and lay my forehead on my kneecaps. That is a good goal again, I think?

Nothing heavy weighing on my head today. Checked the budget for this month and I am right on track, even with the extra expenses of summer that one can never seem to plan for. I think today is going to be another great day!

Funny thing about the weekends when you work in the service industry, the day it is really doesn't seem to matter. Monday and Tuesdays have now turned into "my" weekend and everything else is just a split between work and play. I need to remember to drop my books off at the library later.

Got a new CD yesterday(Bare Naked Ladies)...I know, I should really convert everything over to MP3 and all the new crap out there, but for some reason I drag my feet when it comes to learning and using new technology. I am a closet Luddite, or at least that is what Stephen calls me. I really dig this music though. Good stuff for sure! I think this will be the soundtrack to my day.

It is Geoff's b-day today, so have to make sure I get by and drop his card and gift off at the party. It is hard to believe we have been friends for over ten years now! Where does time go? He has always been there for me and I really treasure sharing life with him. I hope he knows how much he is loved by all of us. I have never met a person more generous with his time, life and resources. God knows how many scrapes he has helped me out of and what a constant friend he is. Love ya, Geoff and Merry Birthmas Dai!

Welp, time to trim my hair and hop in the shower. Sorry I don't have the time to address some more of the serious things I am processing right now, but it will come. Life is going well and I am taking each day as it comes but also keeping a careful eye on my future. Change is afoot to be sure. Hope you are all doing well and finding the things in life that you seek. Ciao!

daemon

Full

Last night I sat and stared at the Moon. My ears, snugged into my Headcandy Aviators, kept all the sounds of others at bay while seeping into my mind the sounds and sentiments of my choosing.

Seated at a large marble table for twelve, I carefully penned pages trying to capture all that has transpired since I last cracked open that well worn journal that is always carried with me in my pack.

People, families, lovers, children and dogs came and went and I watched the world meet around me, lost in the reverie of my own private thoughts and musings.

Sitting there, I realized...I am happy.

 This life I am building has left me in the center of contentment. The things to be thankful for would fill more words and space that I could place here.

It is well with my soul.

Woke up this morning after sleeping in a bit for me. Working as a Chef has turned my schedule on its head, so rolling over in bed sleepily to find it 7 am felt like high noon to me. Shot, showered and shaved and packed my back pack with the few things I would need for a day off, dropped the top and hit the road. Drove out past the lake district and stopped in at the shop for an oil change and tune up. The sun is out and the weather has broke to a beautiful 70 degrees or so. My favorite maintenance  guy was at the dealership, so while he tended to my car, we shot the shit and caught up on life. Grabbed a bottle of water and headed back out.

Driving into the city I never hit a red light. 16 green lights in a row! That is a personal record and had me grinning from ear to ear like a little boy who just discovered his dick. LOL  :) Hit the coffee shop and got to flirt a bit with my long time crush there. He always has my coffee waiting for me when he sees me zip into my parking space. Got to love that!

Read a few chapters in my new book and headed over to the Bunker to check out Nixon's new 51-30 watches and some Pumas. Picked out some more new kicks and decided to take a pause on a new time piece. Little stiff on the price, though Jakob did offer me his employee discount. Might have to take him up on that in a few weeks? He knocked my sneaks down to 40 bucks with tax so that sent me down the sidewalk in style and with a little spry bounce in my step.

Wandered over through the shops in Westport and wiled a few hours browsing and visiting with all the local business owners. "Yes, I will take a scone and have some tea! Is this a new piece? I love it. That new Motoguzzi is one nice machine. Feels good between my legs. Always wanted a cafe racer...but no, can't take him for a spin. Sorry, have to head downtown."

Swung down to UnionStation and waited for Stephen to come on out for lunch. We zoomed over the the 39th Street Corridor and treated him there to some Po's. Bubble tea, spring rolls, crab rangoon, Emperors's dumplings, chicken Lo Mein and some lettuce wraps later we were happy. He needed to talk, so I just sat there and listened. Was good for both of us. I love that guy.Ran him back to Hallmark and he headed in to finish his day a little reluctantly.

Decided to swing by the club and have some iced tea on the patio with Jeromy and Austin. Lazy sunny day for a bit and then headed over to the park to throw some Frisbee and play some pick up soccer. Shirts and skins FTW! :) My eyes were just as full as my stomach and heart. There are some beautiful guys in this world for sure. We all stretched out under the trees and just watched the clouds blow by after we got tuckered out. Those kind of talks are the best and yes, I kept my eyes to myself...for the most part! Once I cooled down in the shade I decided to head on home for a nap and that is where ya find me now, typing a few words before I  take a quick shower and stretch out on some new cotton sheets. Then I will  simply let sleep fold me up for a few hours in the cool darkness of my bedroom with the AC blowing softly over me.

I like this.

daemon

Letting someone in.

"A man's heart may have a secret sanctuary where only one person may enter, but it is full of little anterooms which are seldom vacant." ~Helen Rowland

Last evening, as I drove home from my friend Lucas' loft downtown, I watched a summer thunderstorm roll across the plains from the West. The lightening and clouds were an amazing display of power and beauty and for once, I did not turn the stereo on and distract my mind and heart from the inner dialogue and provoking musings that are always running deep below the surface of my life. The air conditioning kept the heat at bay and the only sounds were the gentle growl of the engine and soothing hum of tired on pavement as my little car ate up the miles willingly and without complaint.

In life I have always been moving, seeking, exploring. The days and years that have brought smiles to my face have always involved my hunger for adventuring the the wander lust that I seem to have been born with. The new horizon and next place have been a sirens call for me ever since I was a child. To see a place I have never laid eyes on, seeking out new faces and places, always just around the corner, a few more miles, a few more steps. Though I have never admitted it, all too often this has felt like I have been running away from rather than venturing to.

My serious thoughts lately have turned inward in a much more profound way and I have been unpacking my past and looking closely at the reality of the events and circumstances that have transpired in this length of days that I call my life.

I have realized that I have three vastly different stories that run like streams through my heart and head about what is going on, though they are not always seen to myself or the other people that join and leave me on this journey.

The first is the story that I present to others about what is happening and how I feel and emote about it. While it is parallel and fairly accurate with concurrent events, it is often scrubbed, cut and polished in order to reflect and paint my world and self in the best possible light. It is how I present to others and many of the deep and harsh things are selectively edited, as well as the baser and more conflicting emotions, wants and desires. I need them to assume the best about me and often this story line is written out of a hurting place of insecurity, a desperate need for acceptance and a plea and reaching out for love. Nothing too harsh is ever allowed to surface and break the illusion that all is right and well with my world. It is my best face forward, regardless of truth.

The second story is the version that I present to myself. It is my ultimate defense mechanism. In it, I take credit for things I cannot control, forcefully push away the pain and hurt I so often feel when things do not go my way or as planned and generally motivate myself in a somewhat self delusionary fashion. I explain to myself why I do not hurt and rotate, trim and fit each puzzle piece of my life into its place in such a way that keeps my emotions intact, hopefully, and provides the positive spin on events that keeps me pressing on, despite circumstances and how conflicted I can be internally. It is the script within the script, the movie within the movie. In it, my sanctity and peace is assured, come what may.

The final and third story is simply the unadulterated truth of reality without any alteration and editing. It is what is true and authentic. It is the one I often ignore, blissfully ignorant of facts unless emergencies, trauma or an event forces me to act and react in self preservation.  This is the one that I am so often successful at sheltering myself and others from but should be the one that matters most.

This last one is the one I have been examining and slowly sharing with a few trusted friends that I know will not stomp on my heart. Opening up, even a little bit, and letting someone into that deep, inner recess is often so frightening. That feeling of being vulnerable and exposed poses such a risk the careful illusions that I have used my entire life to cope with the confusion, bewilderment and hurt and pain that others and life have wreaked upon me. Letting someone plunge their hands shoulder deep into the fragile and soft places is in some ways terrifying but also strangely freeing. It reminds me most of the deep sacrifice and willful submission that I have made at times when offering myself to another guy I love in bed. A place that only real love and intimacy will let me go. A vulnerable trust to let another completely in. That role reversal is so hard for a guy like me.

Being known.

Telling truth. Sharing life. Letting others be the mirror that accurately reflects myself back into my own eyes. Opening up and finding a way to mate up these three lane views of life into a coherent statement and present myself authentically to myself and others.

In the midst of it all, I am finding soothing peace, unconditional love, simple acceptance, healing comfort and authentic solace in all those raw and frightening places that have lain hidden and quiet for far too long.

My heart is deep.

Would you like to take a swim?

Thyre be monstyrs here...

daemon

Remembering Ryan

Grappling

So much stuff going on and not enough time in a day to get it all down. Worked today, as usual, after three whole days off and got caught up on all my life stuff. Car and house are spic and span, got my laundry done, my hairs are cut and I am set for the weekend, once it gets here. Had my dinner with the guys last night (taco salad, om, nom, nom) and then over to Greg's loft for Bible study. Took off afterward for a late dinner and beer at the Flying Saucer with Stephen and am now home trying to get a few thoughts down before I hit the sack.

I am tackling some huge life issues at the moment and I cannot and have not yet processed them enough to begin a dialogue here about them. Some I will keep in my head and heart and others I am going to throw out to the wind and see where they take me. I can put a few thoughts down and their sheer weight and resonance tend to suck the life out of a room and conversation, so until I am ready to address them here, I will keep my peace. Simply writing a few of my painful experiences down has been carthartic and beneficial. Others will take more space and distance. Being able to share these stories and  chapters of my life with a few trusted and close friends has helped immensely. A burden shared is actually lighter I am finding. Who would have thunk it? :P

This will take time but I know I am healing in some ways. Part of this journey I walk alone and in other parts I am finding hiking partners with listening ears and personal maps who do not mind coaching and sharing from their experience. This life certainly has not been easy but I refuse to be a victim and have never indulged in pity or depression as a salve to placate the pain. I am learning it is okay to hurt.

Faith divides.

This I am finding, much to my  heart ache.

I wish I had the time in life to truly devote to all the things and topics I wish to write about. Possibly once the winter hits I will find myself at home and indoors more to grab my ever growing lists of questions and topics and start tackling them one at a time. Until then, this blog will continue to be just a few short blurbs here and there about my life and what's on the very top of my head and heart.

August is upon us and I am DONE with this heat. I wait for Fall. It is my favorite time of the year. I am sleepy now so all cleaned up I will away for bed. Peace on your all and know that much is right with my world and that which is not is slowly righting itself.

Follow your heart.

I am.

daemon

Surprise Party

Bwhahahahahaha!!!!