Trying to write

I really should get back into the habit of writing here. Things have been incredibly busy these last few months but the simple fact of the matter is, I have not made it a priority. I still find time to eat, take showers, sit at my coffee shop, jack off, and all the other ways that I waste time each day and maybe it is high time to start throwing some thoughts down here before my brain starts to atrophy.

What has been going on with me...too much stuff to be honest and not a whole lot of it has been good. I guess I kind of freaked out this month after the stress of December was over. I hit a wall and have simply been reacting to things and that has not been too healthy. I keep seeking something and in doing so am missing all the somethings I already have in my amazing life. Even with all that I have and what has been going on, I am still not satisfied and that is a frustrating place to be.

I have been bottling stuff up for too long and only sharing bits and pieces of it with my friends and family, almost like I am rationing the amount of information or power that any one person has over me. I think another reason I haven't been writing or sharing much with others is that the facts of my life and the choices I have made paint me in a really bad light. I like to think that I am a good person but in reality, I am a pretty selfish asshole when left to my own devices. I think the person I want to be and the person I am right now keep getting further from each other.

Sometimes when I come here, I wonder who even reads this stuff anymore. I have looked back through my posts here and can track the changes and progress of my life over a few years but even then, the really good writing and content is few and far between. There have been days where I have poured out my heart and soul in incredibly raw ways but the vast majority of my writing still has been guarded and somewhat internally censored. I am scared about who may read what and how that might change or alter the picture they have of me. In the end, is honesty really the best policy, or do we prefer to be lied to, at least in some areas, so we can continue to believe the best about our friends and the people we love.

Maybe I will just start writing things as they are, no holds barred, come what may and say 'the hell what people think about me'! I don't want to be an asshat but I do need to get some things off my chest and maybe this is a safe place to do so? It is rather strange how many people that I know in real life read this blog now, but then I guess that is my fault cause I showed them a post or two I wanted feedback on. People tend to be nosy about each other and now it seems that too many eyes wander around here, but at least I am known. It is both scary and comforting I guess?

I think later today, as a good exercise, I will come back here and write about something that has been bothering me this month. I will tell you, it isn't very pretty or nice, but it is real and presents a problem to me that I cannot seem to solve, at least not inside myself. Time for a break, but it's good to be writing again, even if it is a bunch of crap.

daemon

Warning

Second Class Citizen

Some parts of me are so happy and other pieces of me hurt so very bad. I am crying and smiling at the same time. While some things are better, we still have so very far to go. So very far...

Whoever you are, wherever you are...you are beautiful and loved. I believe in you.

daemon

Things You CAN'T Do When You're NOT a Dog

Waking up thoughts

I wish I had something profound to say, or at least thought provoking, but I do not. I have simply awoke to another day and yesterday was any indication, it will be another cold one. I feel strange not having a set schedule yet but I do know today will be a bit more productive than the last.

Sometimes we make decisions, or at least we are present when we are being undecided, and those actions take us places that we never imagined could happen. We literally have no way of grasping how each simple choice throughout our day dramatically change and shape the reality in which we and others live. Each step leads to another, each 'yes' or 'no' moves is through time and eventually we find ourselves in a new and different place without much explanation, at least initially how we arrived there.

The passage of time has a way of dulling pain and helping us remove ourselves from the consequences of choice, but in the immediate aftermath, while we are still close to the events, there doesn't seem much solace in that sentiment. Time healing all wounds only sounds good once those wounds, which are very real, have healed and are but distance memories.

I had a good birthday. I really did. It just ended strangely and for that reason I find myself in an odd head and heart space today. I do hope time helps. It only seems to pass one day at a time now.

daemon

The things a boy will do for love...

I saw this today and about melted inside while smiling a silly grin the entire time. If someone did something that silly and amazing for me I think my heart would beat out of my chest. I do apologize for invoking the music of the Biebster but I think the cute grooms smile, dancing and the brides beaming face and laugh more than makes up for it. Love is beautiful...wherever we are found by it. :)

daemon

Ill and looking backwards

I haven't been feeling well since Sunday afternoon. To tell the truth,  I have been downright sick and stuck in bed. Some kind of bug I picked up that has wrung me out. Weak and feverish, not able to keep food down and generally miserable. Real attractive, I know! At least I have been able to sleep and rest and am feeling a bit better tonight. It has pretty much screwed up all the birthday plans this week, thus far, but I hope to be back on my feet, at least marginally tomorrow night. We have most of the celebrating stuff shoved back to the weekend, so hopefully, I will be fit and fine by then.

Took some time today to read back through a few years of my journals as well as my blog here. Now I am in a weird mood. I mean, I read some of this stuff and don't remember writing any of it at all? Guess that is the nature of my memory, or life or something. Maybe it is just the process of getting older, but there are some things I don't remember until I read them, certainly ideas and beliefs I no longer hold to and I am not sure what kind of progress I have made. Kind of in an odd mood now I guess and I don't want to lend it too much credit as I am ill and that certainly has been effecting my mood.

Maybe I will just shut up and come back later when I am feeling better? Back to bed for me.

daemon

306

Worth watching.

daemon

I stopped.

I just woke up and it is 8 o'clock in the morning. This is the longest I have slept in since this past June. Each morning, whether I am working or not, my internal clock has woke me up at 3:30 am and I have started each day early and ended each one the same. I realized this last Friday that I have not enjoyed this schedule and am not progressing in my job as I wish, not living the life that I want and generally stagnating as a person...so I made a change.

I quit my job and enrolled in college for this coming fall semester to study Culinary, as I have been promising myself for the last two years. It is time to stop playing the role of a Chef without the education, learning experiences and challenges and actually go to work somewhere where they actually keep their promises and teach me. I had been pushed into a position that was unwanted by others and used to fulfill a role which offered me little in return for my investment of time and commitment. So I stopped.

Today is my Mom and Michael's birthday and I actually have the day to spend time with them and celebrate two of the people that make my life all the richer and for that I am incredibly grateful. In two days time, it will be my birthday and what better way to start my new year than with a re-invention of myself that actually moves me closer to my end goals and dreams?

I tend to make huge decisions instantly and have never been one to ponder endlessly the pros and cons of each possibility. It is more of a gradual shift in my mind over time that eventually culminates in something that looks spontaneous and rash but is actually a series of small choices made that others cannot see. Life is too short to continue doing things that do not bring me happiness and contentment and self delusion, as attractive and comfortable that it may be, will get me nowhere.

I am rather excited and pleased to find out that the person I have always been is still alive and well and capable of shaking things up and heading out into parts unknown. It is high time I had another adventure and settling for second best has made me a rather pale imitation of myself. As they say in the Flying Circus..."And now for something completely different!"

Well, not all that different. I am going to take some time off for myself, friends and family and start laying the groundwork for a new position here in Kansas City that will actually augment my continued education and help me realize my goals and dreams. I have two places to check out this week, spend time with the Executive Chef's and hopefully find placement under their training with in the month. In the mean time, I am going to do what I do best...start living again.

daemon

Random conversation with my Dad

I had a really interesting conversation with my Dad this afternoon and it was not even planned, just kind of spontaneous. I got off work and ran over to visit a friend who is in the hospital. Dropped of some cinnamon rolls and blueberry muffins I made with a note, since he was sleeping and then called my parents. They happened to be at a shopping mall near the hospital so I ran over and kept my Dad company while my Mom shopped.

We kind of rambled on about stuff, as we often do and somehow the conversation turned to sexual orientation and our personal perspective on it. I was talking to him about some of my friends who remain in the closet for different reasons and are under the impression that their parents do not know and the self-delusional denial that so many families live in, in order to be "comfortable", especially religious, conservative families.

The parents, in theory, are heterosexual and the gay son or daughter think that their parents have no idea. Right! Because they never went through puberty and have no idea how a young heterosexual acts and lives? Surely they cannot spot the discrepancies in their child's patterns and life that is rather different than the vast majority. But sure, live in that weird head space if ya want. That was kind of my take on it. They would rather their kids live a lie than be themselves and be loved by their families for being truthful and authentic. How is this a good thing? I felt no shame in coming home and telling my Mom that I had a crush on a boy in my class. It was natural for me. I was excited and I wanted to share. In my young innocence, no asshole posing as a spiritual person had got to me yet and poisoned my mind with their hateful ideas and trash. So I told her and then when my Dad came home, we told him. I only learned shame, guilt and pain later, at the hands of the same assholes who said they represented Jesus. I wasted too much time in life listening to them, people in authority that I trusted, instead of listening to my heart and to my family who always has and always will love me, no matter how difficult that may be at times. I know they didn't "hope" to have a gay son and their pain was due to the fact that they knew the discrimination and hard times I would face for being in a small minority in this country. They hurt for me as any parent would. Some parents just do not know how to communicate this and impose some kind of silence and deception on their children that they carry through a large part of their lives until they mature and realize that authenticity and integrity is better than lies, denial and silence.

While sharing with my Dad about my concerns in life, my relationship with Michael and other stuff he suddenly brought up that he truly believes that our sexual orientation as humans is genetic, whether it be hetero or homo. He shared with me that his older brother is gay and that he suspects strongly that his Mom, my  maternal grandmother was also gay. This took us off on a path talking about all the gay people in our family, on his and my Mom's side and as far as circumstantial evidence goes, it looks like it could be a genetic strain in my family. I really do not know but guess what? I do not really care either! :)

The fact is...I am gay. So how or why it happened has no bearing on my reality. I either live with truth and integrity in all the facets of my lie or I chose to condone deception and lying. Christians being dishonest in order to spare someones feelings, or maintain their family or for whatever strange reason has never made any sense to me. They are doing wrong so they can do right? WTF kind of reasoning is that? I feel that most of the blame lies with the parents that have forced their kids into these horrible and tortuous situations. They have made slaves of their children, demanding their silence and deception in exchange for love and acceptance. What kind of disgusting choice for a child is that? Some of the blame lies with the kids, who once they are adults, continue living these lies, for themselves, for their churches, for their friends and for their families.

It may sound cruel...but this is very wrong.

So yeah, lots of gay people in my family. Dad thinks it is genetic. I do not know or care but find it interesting. And closeted deceptive families are a disgrace to whom and what we should be as humans. Shame on them for their faith and builds such horrible prisons for their child due to their born identity. It hurts my heart. Even with my Dad having a gay sibling, it STILL wasn't easy for him to have a gay son, especially one like me. He came from that hateful religious place and had to learn, I will either love my son and reject the lie of the church, or I will believe the lie and hate my son.

I am glad he chose me.

I love my Dad.

That is all...


daemon

Robin...are you gay?