Life is good

Has it really been a week since I posted last? This month seems to be flying by. I am sitting here relaxing after a good day of work and I can faintly smell the Pound Cake in the oven that I am baking. I am going to keep one for me and take the other to my friend Nick tomorrow when I help him pack. He will be moving to Colorado in November but is headed up there this weekend with his largest pieces of furniture. I will run over and drive him to get the moving truck and then help him fill it up. I will certainly miss him once he is no longer just a drive away.

I don't have a lot on my mind. Life is pretty calm. I have been working and taking it easy as this month winds down. Got some swimming and reading in on my days off. I think pretty much all the people who were contributing to stress or drama have either settled down or been selectively eliminated from my life and the peace and quiet that leaves me, mentally and physically, has really been nice.

One of the ideas I have been kicking around in my head to write about is milestones. The events, dates and times that mark the passages of our lives. The thing that we look forward to and then remember once passed as something that marks who we are and where we have been. It really isn't put together well yet but once I get my thoughts in order, I want to at least revisit mine to date and share my thoughts.

It seems that the more simple I make my life, the more I enjoy it. I don't thrive on the energy and confusion that results from so much strife, arguing and drama that seems to have marked my life in times past. I don't want to argue with people. I have no comment or thoughts on politics to be shared. I really don't believe in that religion, or really any religion to be honest. I am content with me. I like my life as it is and I am enjoying it. I am taking it slowly, a day and week at a time, and am no longer spending my time and effort trying to convince anyone of anything. They really don't care about much except what they believe anyway and I will leave them to their noise and games.

Non-interference is the word of the day, I suppose? I will continue to work for the things I believe in, invest in the people and groups that bring me life and that at a higher quality and only choose to engage individuals who truly wish to get to know me and add value to our combined lives. I am no ones crusader and I don't need one either.

I think that is all I have to say right now. This weekend is going to be crazy busy with three weddings to cook for but once I get past Monday morning, it will be time to take it easy again. I will enjoy my time off pursuing and doing the things I love with the people that love me. Beyond that, I have no plans.

daemon

Only Boys Aloud

I am unsure what these guys are singing about, but I find them inspiring and full of hope. I am out the door to enjoy my day off! :)

Why my Homophobic Dad supports Gay Marriage

I did not intend to write this morning. No alarm went off to wake me up. I simply came to about fifteen minutes ago, shut off my white noise machine, started the coffee maker and stretched the soreness out of my muscles. As my brain began booting up an actual idea came to me. Shocking, to those who know me, but it is true! I guess it is the product of thinking on things and pondering them over the last several weeks. This morning, all those scraps and snippets came together into one piece and I hope to be able to share them with the clarity I can see them in my mind and feel them in my heart.

Arguments do not change peoples minds. Debate convinces no one that they are wrong. No article penned by an amazing wordsmith ever reached into someones mind and changed their paradigm. The core values that we as individuals hold to be true are built of thousands of tiny scraps of information, absorbed life experiences and personal or anecdotal observations. Our lived emotions, learned and sought beliefs and complicated interior personal lives are the mortar that hold our world view together and help us make sense of the swirling chaos all around us that is collectively called life.

The last few months have been awash with arguments. Debates seem to spring up daily between friends, families and complete strangers. We are inundated by social media and news sources that constantly are thrusting conflicting ideas into the forefront of our minds and lives. In the midst of this, we make our decisions of what to do, how to live, what words to speak, post, update or text and in the end, we remain who we are. The individual is who we awake as and who we fall asleep being. This cycle never stops. It feeds a constant need we have as humans for attention and meaning and all too often, we can get caught up in information consumerism, which feeds the beast that hunts us all.

We all, by and large, believe that we are right. Read that again, please. I know it is not an incredibly detailed statement, but I know that it rings true for the majority of people. We think, for a myriad of reasons, that what we believe and feel about the vast variety of issues in life is correct. If you doubt this, realize that what we truly believe and think shapes the actions that we choose and live out to everyone around us.

This presents a problem. We do not all agree.

You probably  are wondering when I am going to get to topic of this post. Not to fret. The wait is over. My Dad is a homophobe. I can say it. I love him and he loves me. These are both facts. Despite growing up with a gay brother and having a gay son himself, my Dad, for a long litany of reasons, is not comfortable with the whole concept and fact of homosexuality existing in the world he lives in. It is as foreign to him as heterosexuality is to myself. How do I know this? Because we talk about it. We have been talking about it and living about it ever since my first crush on a boy in grammar school. Don't be fooled. If you are a person on the LGBT spectrum, you too have been having this conversation with your family and friends from the day you first realized you were "other" or different from your peers. Another thing to not forget, you are having this conversation with yourself. It is not a conversation made with words.

People are arguing. Society in this country is debating marriage equality. The issue seems to get more heated and complicated with each passing day. It is not my intention to argue my position here or open the floor to debate, though I am sure some of my readers will feel compelled to do so. The idea that came to me this morning is what I wish to share, and thankfully, it is both simple and brief.

Arguments do not change peoples minds. Debate convinces no one that they are wrong. Lives change lives. Personal experience and relationships with individuals do change minds and shows them that they are wrong. My Dad supports marriage equality due to his personal relationship with me, his gay son. This is not a conclusion he reached over night and it certainly was not a simple one for him. He is a man of conservative values, deep personal spiritual conviction and has his own long list of personal experiences in life. All of these form together to make him a man who should be and was deeply opposed to gay marriage and any and all affirmation of LGBT individuals. What changed his mind? A relationship. Life. Love. Me.

We live and fight hard for what we believe in. We summon thousands of words and hundreds of emotions, participate in all types of activities, hoping that with all of that noise, spectacle, work and belief to achieve equality as humans among our peers in society. The pain we experience in our journeys is great and often it seems the rewards are few and slow coming.

I have a novel idea.

Let us live our lives in such a way, craft and build our relationships with our boyfriends or girlfriends so solidly, share and participate in our community and family with such intention, that by our own personal example to the people that know us, we show and live the reasons why we should be afforded the same respect, dignity and recognizance that they may take for granted every day of their lives. Relationships change people. My life and the relationships and loves that I have had, with all of its faults and missteps, failures and successes changed my Dads view of LGBT people and his mind about gay marriage.

I cannot change the whole world. None of us can. But we can change the world we touch, the people around us at school, work and wherever and whoever we call home. When we live our best lives, illustrated by love and punctuated by grace, we show by our example, exactly what we are hoping for. It is the same thing all humans hope for. For love. For acceptance and for personal and collective affirmation of what we believe to be true.

This does not mean that I will cease being an advocate and activist for the cause of LGBT rights. We all deserve the respect, dignity, freedom and civil liberty that is extended to all citizens of this country, but denied to a minor few, due to some peoples deeply held religious and social beliefs. We cannot change their collective minds with arguments, words and debates. We can change those whose lives we touch with our choices, our relationships and our examples. We have to be the bigger people here. Change and equality is inevitable. Let us live our lives in such a manner that we provide pictures to those who do not yet understand the larger one. No, it is not fair. This is not something that the majority has had to do in order to achieve the validation of the rest of society. Welcome to being a minority. Until we show them who we are and what amazing love, relationships and families we hope and strive for, no one will ever extend the grace and respect that they were effortlessly awarded by default.

You may be the only gay person someone knows. You ARE the LGBT community to them. What life picture are you painting for them?

daemon

Need a BIG smile?

A friend of mine shared this with me today and I loved it! The way peoples eyes light up, then crack a smile and then either join in or bust into spontaneous laughter is so engaging. There are a few outright horrified looks that certainly take the cake as well. So...if you need a grin, click play!

CAUTION: There IS a bearded man dancing in a bikini in this film. That is all. :)

daemon

Stargazing

My mind is all over the place this morning. I woke up two hours before my alarm for work was set to go off and once I click awake, I am good to go for the day. It must be a leftover habit from the Navy as once my eyes open, my feet hit the floor soon after. I brewed my coffee, got around my first cup and sat outside for a while just thinking about whatever crossed my mind. The crickets sang softly.

Many of my friends this weekend are at Pilgrimage. Friends from church at Jacobs Well, that is. I had last Sunday off and went to the morning service. I had not been there for several months, in fact, not since I was dating Brian in January. Kind of strange how time flies. Each year the entire church heads out to camp for a weekend of relaxing, playing and engaging with each other, en mass. It is not really incredibly structured and you can set your own level of participation and it is generally a good retreat and recharge for everyone one present. I have been out there five times over the years but life, work and schedule did not make space for it this year. I will miss the early mornings in the lake, the huge gatherings at meals, staying up to the wee hours playing games and talking as well as all the bonding experiences over campfires in the night up in the hills. It does my heart good to know they are there, celebrating and bonding. The simple fact that the pattern continues without my presence is reassuring, as odd as that may sound.

Off and on, my thoughts have turned to love lately. Not about family or friends, but about romance and dating. I have been single for six months now and I miss being "with". Not in some aching, melodramatic, angsty way, but more in a simple yearning for companionship and relationship deeper than friends and family can provide. The difference I feel this time is an odd shifting of roles in my head and heart. I want to be pursued. I want him, whoever he may be, to fall in love with me. Each relationship I have had in life, as long or as brief as they have been, have been at my initiation, at least at the first. I have always been the active pursuer and was satisfied with reciprocity, but for some shifting reason, I find myself willing to relinquish the role of aggressor. I do not think that this is a shift in how I present and interact with those I find attractive but rather, I want to know that some one likes me for me, for who I am and not what I represent or what I have. I want him to want me, even before I know that I want him. Does that make sense?


I do not dwell on it all that much, it comes and goes, usually around the time my thoughts turn to Michael. The last time he called me, a few weeks ago, I botched and cocked it up rather badly, but was completely honest about how I felt at the time. I cannot apologize for reality and his inclusion in my life as a friend has always left me sorely confused and hurting for what was and what could have been. I am going to set that topic down for now and not let it color my day.

Tomorrow morning is the Perseids Meteor shower and I am looking forward to getting up extra early to watch the meteors shoot across the sky. They are something that always thrills me and reminds me of the showers I used to stay up late and watch with my Dad or brothers growing up. One year, my Mom stayed up with me and we camped out in the bed of the pickup truck, under some sleeping bags and watched them, talking together and sketching the shooting stars we saw. There is just something so amazing about gazing deep into the sky expectantly and then watching the spectacular show that the Universe gives us.

Time is passing and it will soon be time for me to head into work, so I will end this here. I hope wherever you are, you are well. Do not get so caught up in the mundane patterns of life that you forget to look up and look out. Life is all around you, happening every day. Engage with it and with others. You may be surprised at the results.

Oh...and I need to learn how to take my own damn advice. :)

daemon

Words I typed

Just got home from work and thought a life update was in order. It was an incredibly fun but busy weekend. Through some stroke of luck, I actually had Friday through Sunday off of work (rare in the culinary and food service world) and was able to spend time with family and friends, cramming entertainment, life and rest into the same mixed bag of three days.

What all did I do? Here we go, in no particular order...

Friday: Me day, all day.

Saturday Morning: I went with my family (Dad, Mom, brother) and huge group of friends to welcome my sister back to the United States from Peru, where she has been that last 14 weeks. She was volunteering at an orphanage that she visits each year and it was a great homecoming for her. I really do not see her all that much during the year and we have never been particularly close as adults, but I love her and was really glad to see her back safe and sound. She travels all over the world each year into some pretty rough areas in South America, Africa and Asia  so she is never too far from my mind. We had banners, balloons, flowers, cheering and everyone kids running around excited, so I can say it was a definite success. It didn't take too long for her to start smiling and crying but I know it made her day to know that many people from so many different parts of her life took the time to welcome her back and express our love and admiration for the selfless work and sacrifice she gives to those children around the world who so need it most.

Saturday Night: Nickolas called me out of the blue and invited me to grab dinner and to see the new Batman movie. I said, "hell yes", and we had a blast that night! He is an ex-boyfriend of mine, circa 2000, but we have remained fast friends over the years. He had just returned from Colorado and California, where he has been traveling with his boyfriend Stu and it was great to catch up on our lives, hear about his vacation and growing relationship and a little sad to find out he would be moving to Colorado this Fall to join his immediate family (Mom and brothers) there and to be with Stu who is from the Denver area. Completely understandable, of course, but I will miss him a lot. I don't have the space, time or words to explain who Nick is and was to me, but suffice it to say, we will always have a special place in each others hearts and lives.

Oh...and the Dark Knight Rises was AWESOME! We finished dinner and whole lot of talking and I drove like crazy cause we lost track of time. We grabbed our tickets, raced into the theater just as the previews ended and scored amazing seats front and center. The movie blew me away, to say the least. (I am easily impressed as I don't get to the theater that much, but still, I loved it!) Afterwards we headed back to his house and sat out on the deck, under an amazing moon and talked about the past, our present lives and all the hopes and dreams we both have for our respective futures. We still really 'click' a lot, and yes, he still is sexy as hell, but while we may flirt and joke around, I have too much respect for relationships, Stu, him and myself to ever consider doing any more than that. We have both grown up into men, from the boys we were and that bond of friendship we share now is great. I think I will just shut up about him now, cause I am wandering down memory lane and rambling.

Sunday: Hmm...Sunday was a morning watching the city wake up at my coffee shop. Went for a long, top down drive around the lake and some of my favorite country roads. Actually went to church at Jacobs Well and caught up with friends I had not seen all summer. Had lunch with Bruce, Mark and Jeff and then wiled away the evening over a few cocktails on the patio at the club and some really good conversations with my buds. Watched a little Olympics. Correction, watched a lot of guys and talked about them while they competed. :D Hmmm. It was a great day and night and a solid way to end a fun weekend.

That's about it for my update. The work week is flying by. There are some new interesting changes and personal opportunities soon to come there that I am excited about. We are still hiding indoors from the heat here in the MidWest and I am soooo ready for Fall to get here. I didn't realize I had this many words in my head about stuff, so I will just stop right here.

daemon

Saturday Morning

I slept in this morning. The time that I woke up happened to be 6:30 am, but with my new schedule of rising for work at 3:30 am, it certainly felt luxurious. I checked my phone to ensure no last minute calls or texts had been sent by Chef Kyle to summon me to the kitchens and went about my morning routine. Washed my face, looked at my eyes, decided I liked what I saw there and set to making coffee. I made the bed while listening to the comforting and familiar chuff and wheeze of the brewer dripping hot water over the basket of fresh grounds and then padded to the kitchen to get my mug. I added a dollop of cream and came back to my bedroom to pour myself the first cup of the day. It may be strange to some that my coffee maker is in my bedroom but I often employ the timing feature on it as an alarm clock, setting it to brew on working days to start its work a good six minutes before I expect to awake. Coming back from dreamland to consciousness with those familiar sounds and the smell of coffee tickling my nose always seems to put me in a good mood, regardless of what life and my schedule holds.

Outside on the porch, I sipped my coffee and waited patiently for my brain to boot up. I sat down my coffee cup and stretched as hard and high as I could to the sky. It made the fibers in my body thrum and legs tremble in a delicious way. A locust, lying on its back seemed to be dead, but when nudged gently with my foot, immediately popped back to life and began flying in place on the ground, intermittently letting out little  happy seeming chirps. He was working so hard, wings beating furiously, but getting no where to my accounting. I mused a bit at how often life can seem like his futile efforts but then realized, he may just be exercising and waking up himself, his own version of stretching to the sky, while tethered to the ground. I bet he wished he had some coffee, or whatever it may be that locusts like in the morning.

A pair of tawny mourning doves fluttered down to land on the craggy rock wall that surrounds the oak tree in the front of my house and spent some time, crooning to each other and looking about wide eyed. I like the small, pleas and murmurs they make to one another while preening. They gave me the once over with cocked heads and big eyes and then continued about their morning, first one, then the other following. When they took to the air, little sounds escaped from them with each wing beat that seemed to tell each other and me, "It's alright. Life is good. Good morning, world." I am glad they dropped by to say hello.

Scampering and rustling from the north caught my ear and attention then and I watched three squirrels chase each other around and round the trunk of my maple tree. Way up into the lofty branches they would run, seeming to defy gravity and everyone else who couldn't climb and run around branches with the ease they found. Up and down, back and forth, every once in a while stopping to chitter at each other and then resume the  frantic, joyful chase. One came down to the ground and began some strange hopping, fluttering dance that made me think he just might be a future Olympic gymnastics team hopeful, until I realized he had found another locust that was just waking up and felt compelled to play with it. It amused me, so I watched for a while, trying to ignore the fact that at the end of the floor routine, someone was more than likely going to get eaten. The other two squirrels seemed content to just run, jump and cavort with each other. All was right in their little slice of life.

Sometimes I fall out of the habit of writing, not only here but also in my own journals. Time has a habit of moving onward and in the midst of it all, we get caught up in details, struggles and schedules and the next thing we know, another season has slipped past us. I certainly feel that way this morning. It is hard to believe that Autumn will soon be making her appearance. I often feel I lack anything of substance to write or share, when the truth is, my mind is always full of things I am pondering and mulling over. Sometimes I just need a little prompting or a spark to divulge the streams that keep moving below my surface. It is so easy to get caught up in the details and business of it all. At times, I tend to concentrate on what is wrong with this world, or what may be upsetting me. Those thoughts give way to some emotional wresting of words, and while those can be cathartic and healing for me, they are not what life is all about. There are so many other fantastic things to share and build community about.

Today I am going to take a lesson from the locust, a page out of the book from the mourning doves that visited and even from the three happy little squirrels that shared my morning. Once something wakes me up, I am going to beat my wings and vocalize, even if it doesn't seem to take me anywhere, to the casual observer. The exercise and sound will do me good. I will keep my eyes and heart open for one to take wing with. When I find him, I will make time to settle down and sing to him. There might even be some preening or cuddling involved, and then when one of us moves on, maybe this time, the other will follow.

And from those rambunctious and fun loving squirrels, I will take the lesson to keep playing. Wherever this game may take me, from the high thin branches that seem to scrape the sky, around all the limbs and places in life, I want to revel in the sheer inanity of it all. I am sure there will be laughter and more than likely  a few tears. That is part of the balance of it all.  I might just find someone on the ground different than me to play with, or I might just keep running in front of or following one of my own kind. I do know, if I don't get out with friends, with the intention of living, there will certainly be spaces, games and fun to miss. The loss is not only for myself and our pack, but for the others who may just be waking up themselves and enjoying the spectacle and beautiful thing that this amazing life really is.

daemon

Mahna, Mahnam!

This is my Song of the Day. I think it is pretty much a perfect fit for a Monday off of work. Enjoy! It certainly makes me grin and laugh. I dare you to try and watch it and NOT smile! :)

daemon

Rare, please.

I stood there in my tall, crisply starched chef toque and dress whites slicing roasted beef for the mass of happy, celebrating friends and family of the bride and groom. As the hour passed I continued serving 240 guests a total of eight full Prime Ribs that I and my team had prepared during the day. I watched the lines of people slowly retreat from the buffet to return to the Grand Ballroom to eat, enjoy each others company and start the party that would last well into the early hours of the next morning. It looked as if dinner was a smashing success.

My hand were cramping as I put down the meat fork and slicing knife and I stepped back from the carving station, smoothed my apron and stood at ease, listening to the music with a content smile on my face. The long line of tables that held all the food we had prepared stretched down the high glass atrium like a silent sentinel standing watch with me. They were still burgeoning with mixed cold salads, pasta dishes, cheese  and fruit trays, vegetables, rice dishes, roasted potatoes, breads and the different chicken, pork and beef dishes, though a bit depleted for the efforts of the hungry guests. I stood just out of reach of the bright warming lights of the cutting board and now that I had time to pause and reflect after twelve hours of cooking, I have to admit, at the very moment of success and elation of a job well done, my heart has never been heavier and more conflicted with the crushing emotions and myriad of feelings welling up inside me.

It had been a long and full day in the kitchens, the culmination of a week of planning, grocery and product ordering, menu structuring, recipe selection and food preparation all building up to the incredibly special night for the joining of these two families by the marriage of their two beautiful children. From the intricate canapes  and delectable hors d' oeuvres passed by the wait staff during the cocktail party, to the dinner that had just been served, to the desserts and cakes that weighed down the table in the Ballroom, our contribution to their special evening had been performed without a hitch or flaw in execution. It felt so good to be back performing and executing the culinary passion that I loved.

My heart crumpled like wet newsprint and still managed to ache and shatter quietly inside me. I have never felt like such an alien and outsider in my entire life. The crushing weight and trembling inner feeling of being "other" and "different" than all of them had never truly come to bear in my mind the way that it did as I stood there confused and battered by the mingled, conflicting thoughts. All of this...these rites of passage, the mingling of families, the celebration with friends, the affirmation and acceptance of our peers, the celebration of love and marriage itself by relations and social groups is not allowed for my kind. I stand on the outside of the circle looking in.

I do not know what it is like to grow up like the vast majority of humans in my own country. I never will experience being teased by family and school friends when I find that special person and their name seems to be falling out of my mouth constantly, never hiding my attractions and worrying if others will still love and accept me. Other like me are not allowed to date openly and freely in public without the worry of violence, condemnation and confrontation from strangers. The blessing and approval of society at young and growing love does not exist for my kind. We are the "other". We are the "different". We are the "they".

Groups of those we love and are related to will not gather to feast and celebrate when we commit ourselves to each other. There will be no happy groups in churches attending and affirming our love and life time commitment to each other. The carefree strolls and public displays of affection for our boyfriend will not be accepted or allowed. By law...our love and commitment is illegal, less than, devalued, scorned and vilified. Groups of people across the country are devoted to ensuring that true equality for other humans like me is never allowed. They condemn and hate us verbally, socially, emotionally, spiritually and physically at every chance they can get. They condone this with their religion and say it is commanded by God. We are not allowed. We are not equal. We are below them and not worthy of even the most foundational institutions of human civilization. We cannot marry. We are denied family. We are forced to live on the margins. We are the outcasts.

I stood there and cried inside myself. I was so conflicted. I was truly incredibly happy for this couple and all the amazing people that had gathered. I did not begrudge them the beautiful and amazing celebration that I was witnessing, but inside of me, my heart was breaking.


I had never felt like a minority in this world until that moment.

Unclean. Unworthy. Unwanted.

Less than. Not equal. Not allowed.

After all that life, work and toil I had then been forced to carve my unprepared heart into hundreds of bloody, beating pieces and serve it, slice by slice to be devoured by those who are worthy, who do matter, who are blessed.

I had to smile and like it.

I have to do it every day.

daemon

Sex is the Question

To any of my readers who are sexually active, consider taking a few minutes of you time and adding your answers and thoughts to this survey currently being conducted about us gay guys here in the United States. It is confidential and a great way to help the It Gets Better Project.

It only takes a few minutes and our participation will help our community in the education about and the prevention of HIV. Give it a thought. This is about all of us, not some random "they" or guy you will never meet. HIV impacts us all, whether you know a positive person now or are one yourself. As I have grown up in and around my community, I have seen the importance of education, prevention and treatment, first hand. It has impacted my life personally in so many different ways. Just take a moment to care, for yourself and others, as uncomfortable as you might feel about the idea initially. These are conversations we need to be having with ourselves, if not others.

At the end of the survey, you will be able to see the information about your own demographic and how you compare and fit into the gay community around you. The results and information were enlightening and informative for me. Thanks for helping out. We all matter.

daemon

Sex is the Question: Survey

About the Survey

If you are going to take just one survey all year, this is the one you should take.

We all know how to keep ourselves safe. Yet, guys continue to test positive. We need your help to figure out why. Your confidential answers will be pooled with tens of thousands more. The resulting data will help the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and state and local health departments better understand patterns of behavior- both sexual and health promoting- among men in our communities, and to make sure our prevention resources have the greatest impact.

You have likely taken an online survey before. Maybe it was even related to your sexual health. This survey is different. Aside from being among the largest ever conducted on guys like us in the United States, it's also one of the first surveys to provide immediate feedback based on your answers. We understand your time and information is valuable, so we want to give you some information back.

Turn, turn.

Life has a strange way of shifting. One could call it perspective, or even more specifically, focus, but in the end it all comes back to our own personal view of events and the story we live externally out to others and internally to ourselves.

I have undergone this shifting on many different fronts the last few months. More than likely it has been a series of events and circumstances that has shaped my growth and maturing as a person, but the present and not too distant past leaps more easily to mind.

I shared that I took a break from my patterns and life for a while, to focus and concentrate on who I am, the things I have done and who I am becoming. Some in my life were alarmed at that and others waited, somewhat amused I might add, to see what this break might have in store for me. I could attempt to go into great detail about the myriad of choices, events and emotions that transpired over this time, but that would muddle the waters further about what I am trying to say here today.

As of Friday morning, my break will have ended. Life has come full circle in some ways and I am the most surprised at it all. Through a series of what appeared to be random events I find myself going back to the place I found myself most happy and content. During Pride this last month, I happened to run into Chef Kyle and his extended family at the concert and events we were attending. He was there with his Mom and Dad, as well as his girlfriend, and they had come out to support his younger brother and boyfriend as a family. My friends and I were wandering through the tents and displays when I heard someone shout my name. I turned to find him and his group and I spent some time talking to him and catching up on life. He asked as to how I was doing and what I was filling my time with. I answered in a vague way but he was rather direct. He told me that when my life had settled down, to give him a call and he would be incredibly happy to put me back to work at the Marriott.

Fast forward to this week. I called Bill, my GM at the hotel and conference center and asked to speak with him. We set up an appointment and I came in to talk to him and bring him up to date on all that had transpired since last December. For those not familiar, it was a trying time in my life. Michael, my (I have no idea what label to use here) made a series of choices that culminated in me saving his life, and I was dealing with the aftermath and fall out of those events. When someone you love struggles, everyone hurts and no one is immune to pain. I learned that the choices we make effect so many more people than just ourselves. It is a story I still am not ready to talk about, not even here, but it ends with him currently healthy and well, back to life and work and me single and pursuing my own version of success.

I talked to Bill frankly about this all. He has known me since High School and has been my boss since I started waiting tables at the Stadium Club and on the Plaza. I filled him in on the details and explained where I was at my new job, the goals I had personally with my career, the reasons for my departure last year and my encounter with Kyle, his Executive Chef. We talked about my past performance and he had nothing but good things to say of me and expressed his desire, and the management groups interest in having me back. He let me know he would talk to HR and our VP of Operations on my behalf and contact me with further details.

In short, Chef Kyle called me yesterday and let me know they had my position and place open for me. I accepted, enthusiastically and happily! I feel like I am going home. I have missed my kitchen, my friends and coworkers and the challenges and adventures that the job brought me. I know it sounds crazy, without all the details, but I find myself right back where I started, after a detour through life, love and experience and I have to confess. I am excited. I contacted my current employer and let them know of my decision and to my surprise, they understood and wished me the best of luck. My boss there expressed the sentiment that they knew they would not be able to keep me long. The opportunities and challenges that I thrive on were just not present and we all could see that, even if I was loathe to admit it.

I know my life doesn't make a lot of sense to others. Sometimes the choices I make are confusing and baffling to the friends and family that love and care for me. Life throws us all curves and I usually do not react in the ways others expect or would. I tend to take drastic and decisive action when others would recommend caution and contemplation. I have found, for whatever reason, that it always works out, for me, sometimes in the ways we least expect it to. It has been a strange series of interesting events but I know I have learned a lot through it all, about myself, about others and about the people in my life who love me for exactly who I am.

So here I am again, up early and ready to tackle a new old adventure. A fresh hair cut, vigorous shower and pot of coffee have my day started out right and I have my happy back. Nothing is at it was but things are as they should be. I have no illusions about easy success. This growing up and maturing process is just as baffling as it always has been, but I have learned something. We all need each other, eventually. It is never wrong to ask for help. If we could do it on our own, all the time, we would miss out on all the sharing of life and love with one another. I am thankful for the time I spent away from it all. I am also glad to be back.


daemon