Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered...

Had this song on repeat all the way home tonight, down Ward Parkway, past the mansions and beautiful lights, in the fog and clear cold evening.

Is it strange that I watch myself finding a someone just blocks from where my parents met and my Mom grew up and found love with another guy in a little foreign sports car...around the fountains they drove past, up and down streets they walked and this so unexpected as well? How to capture and hold onto this feeling? Fate at Meyer Boulevard and Ward Parkway. What choice do I have at the moment, but to float along?

Something is happening, and I am unable to hold it tightly into words at the moment. Many thanks for all the friends and partners that have stepped along side me to offer encouragement, wisdom and prayers for me as I work and process through this unexpected development. I am confident that peace will reign in my heart.

When I get my thoughts together, I will have something objective to say, but at the moment...the song says it all...

Week...here I come!

Another week has begun and while open now is soon filling up....grrrrr Great coffee this morning with a friend and some questions asked that still are to be answered. Contact is good, makes thing seem more solid and transparent. How strange to see Jeff Adamsthere this morning as well. Like shades of the past... Serendipity I suppose?

Days are for working, nights are for? Big conference all week that I was invited to this morning by Stephen. Not sure how much of that I will participate in, given my current frame of mind and life. Still need to catch up with Jeff, since I had to miss his holiday party (Sorry man...) but family calls strong.

Church on Sunday went well, thought and wrote alot as Deth spoke and a new short term list of goals is coming together. Lunch with Michael at Sharps and then wandering around the city we went. Brrrrr...it was cold. Should have told him now nice he looked. Coffee...then tea...then home to sit and relax. Simply talking and sharing time was nice. Simple. So glad to have the matter weighing heavy on my conscience cleared off. Honesty and openness is always the best policy. Remember that Daemon! After leaving (too early) home to family for yet another Christmas thing...those are finally over...I think?! So happy to see siblings, friends and family just mingling and getting along well. No awkward questions yet...thank God!

So many free nights this week...how to fill them wisely? I am going to take one day at a time and let my decisions be productive and not wasteful. Intentional living is the motto of the week. Think and make sound decisions always with an eye on the immediate and long term future.

Well, it's time to pull the jeans out of the dryer, shed comfort and venture back out into my life again. The repose and rest was nice while it lasted! This is going to be a Great Day!

Note to self...

Daemon,

I saw you today at work and I really enjoyed watching how you move around and work with people. Ever think that so many friends would swing by in the course of one day? Old friends and new friends, good friends and not so good friends. Guess someone was sending you a pretty strong hint about doing the right thing tonight....hmmm?

That was pretty cool that Petra bought you coffee this morning, but four shots of espresso and a large Red Eye...was that really necessary? Think the vitamins are helping the cold? You do seem to be feeling a little better. Don't forget to work out tonight, your arms are looking a little soft, and c'mon bench press isn't going to kill you either. Let's get that chest back up and out again!

Good idea about parking in the heated garage today. Screw the parking patrol! (please don't give me a ticket is what I really mean...) Kind of nice to come back to a clean and warm car? I know you were being obedient the other night parking outside and all, but c'mon, don't be a dumb ass next time...okay?

So ya got all cleaned up for nothing tonight. I could tell you were plotting something by the little smiles and far away looks today. How many times do I have to tell you? Nothing slips past me! Sure, you may kind of fog me out at times...but I know you. So please, give me a break with the innocent puppy dog eyes...yeah those ones! You always take that long in the shower? Right! Sure, I believe you...you just seem a little well groomed for a night at home is all...Before you get all innocent and wounded looking...thank you for doing the right thing, or at least putting life on pause, okay? That took some strength. Don't ever forget that as sarcastic as I may get, I really do love you and want the best for you. Yeah, it sucks...but suck it up man! Get over yourself!

So you going to church in the morning? I am sure there are alot of people who miss you, and it has been awhile. I am not asking for alot here, or even for you to change anything about you, just check in and see what is going on. 11'o'clock be there if you want. Don't forget Jeff's party tomorrow, call him in the morning to find out when you should make an appearance and your family needs some time for another Christmas with your brother and his family. That is important to them...so don't screw this one up, by getting distracted or busy or something and by something I mean shooting pool and hanging out at the club.

Somebody may call tomorrow...and I know you wanted to hang out with him tonight. It is okay to be disappointed, but it was a long day, and you are both tired. Don't rush stuff. Just relax and stop playing mind games with yourself. You think I can't hear that? Silly boy... Make a good friend...that is what you need right now.

So are we gonna watch some movies or what? I am hungry too, so you better get to cooking, just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and want to see you happy and at peace. Last night sucked you know, with the tossing and turning and stuff. How 'bout some real rest tonight, like at a normal time, and without all the dreams?

Well, I don't have alot to say, just checking in. Talk to you tomorrow and Hey! be good tonight, okay? You know what I am talking about. Stay home...stay! :) Later man,

Daemon

Late Christmas night...

I don't have special things to offer.

Who I am is not so much.

But what I am will be yours if you will walk with me.

Would you be my two times friend?

To wake up in a room so bright.

Holding and being held.

Light in eyes sharing.

Simple, gentle touch.

My funny Christmas Eve...

...got off work, walked through blinding snow, found car frozen solid with ice.


Only people left on the Plaza were riding their horses back to the trailers. (Carriage Rides)

Car won't open despite repeated efforts.


Did I mention the blinding snow?












It was a good thing...no one could see me piss all over my car to thaw my doors and get them open!


Also got the distinct Christmas Eve pleasure of doing the same (car, pissing, thaw, open) for two other frozen out compatriots of the retail scene...glad I drank all that water before I left work!

And thanks to the guys for being such good sports about it. (You said you weren't looking...)

Ya got to do, what ya got to do!

So I guess what I mean is... Merry Christmas to me and to you All!

Change and Evaluation

What to do when I don't feel like I measure up to someone else? And not just meet them in some place as equals...but exceed? (and no, I'm not talking about anatomy here) In my life, I have always been driven to succeed, overcome and excel above and beyond the competition.

But is this all a competition? What is it about when two people encounter each other. I know as a man, I start evaluating, comparing, measuring, counting with my ears and eyes. It is not about status or winning, but more about self worth. Do I really have to justify myself, to myself, in someones eyes in order to accept the friendship they offer freely? What is this struggle to be more, have more, seem more capable and successful?

I think it is a defense mechanism. Something that I do to make up for what I perceive and areas I lack, or places I should be from, materialism I should participate in more, an effort to appear more successful. But I already really like myself.

Or do I? I seem to be so content, until a different set of eyes looks at me, and then suddenly I am back pedaling in order to be more me, larger than life, better, faster, more good, more secure. And yet...I am drawn to weakness, softness. The differentness that in many ways I feel that I lack or need to cultivate in myself.

I spent some time this weekend with a new person in my life, that has somehow altered my thinking. Not just the person, but the time spent. Connection and conversation. Being my authentic self, without reservation or editing. Just me.

And it was ok, accepted and affirmed.

I fought and struggled at first against just relaxing into the space of another person's gentle scrutiny of my life and then just opened my hand, my heart and head...and was me. I have yet to experience that simple decision and sharing of myself more than two other times in my life.

And it felt good. Two people truly meeting in a safe place and sharing life and story.

I wasn't the winner. I did not measure up. In fact my efforts in life paled in comparison to the amazing strength and courage displayed by another persons story. I didn't have more than them, or overcome more than they, in fact, I seemed pretty immature to myself. And it was just fine.

A good piece of advice I gathered was,"Get over yourself." And also, "Get out of your own way."

I am not sure what that means yet, but I am considering it over these holidays. I am still squirming about not holding more power in this new friendship and know that I will need to put that to rest on some way, with myself and with them. Simple honesty will be more than enough to cover it. But I am just a little happy and excited...tempered with caution, as I approach the now.

Limbo and drift

It is strange to me how a series of simple choices leads to different paths, that once walked down, places one in a different perspective or view of something that has always been the same, but is now changed.

You can't undo the past, and the present is a direct result of simple 'yes' or 'no'.

Lately I have been saying 'yes' and nothing is quite the same.

It is too hard to explain right now, and I don't quite have my mind wrapped around it yet. It is like looking at one of those out of focus pictures, waiting for my eyes to fade enough, so that the hidden image pops out at me. Except this time, I don't know what I am even looking at, or waiting for.

I'm excited and happy in so many different ways, but also cautiously optimistic about the unknown. Yes, I know this is all really vague, but I don't know what the hell I'm trying to say. If I knew my mind at the moment, I could say it.

How?

Dark Night of the Soul

Cut it off. My heart is bleeding,
And my spirit’s wrung in pain,
Yet I hear my Jesus pleading,
Cut it off or all is vain.

So I’ve stopped my ears in terror
Lest self-pity make me quail,
Lest at last I take the error
And God’s purpose thwart and fail.

I am bowed to death in sadness,
For the pain is all too great,
But the dear Lord must find pleasure
In the way He maketh straight.

O.C.

Here we go...

Wow...finally asleep at 4 am and now my body wakes me up at 6:30? Got to love that. Yesterday was long and interesting to say the least. Cleaned up, shaved and ready to head to church, bundled up in new jeans, well worn boots and an eight pound wool sweater. My mind is fogging.

Worked way too long and hard yesterday, but Stephen and David stopped in and brought me some coffee and prayed with me as I scampered about trying to put things in order. After work, went over to Stephen's for a late night dinner and talk. Stretched out on the polished concrete loft floor and tried to put my back and spine in some semblance of working order. I really like the new blanket he bought yesterday for his bed. He is shopping for some new furniture and will be off snow boarding today. I hope to God he doesn't break his ankle again in the half pipe!

Not sure what I think about the conversation last night, but am trying to process it all. We are both at strange, transitional places in our lives and are working on recovery to say the least. So much to build on, but so grateful to not be alone on the path. Sometimes I have no idea what he is talking about. I am trying to find a way to connect in an authentic way, that builds our friendship in the right manner and doesn't create space for anything less than God. I am thankful for him this morning. His words, presence and sharing. Oh, to be more emotionally tender and communicative. I have much I can learn from him. Soften my heart, make me tender to what I need to hear and say.

I don't think my mind and body are going to make it through this day, but I have no more time for sleep. Work, lunch, friends and then work again. So much for free time...grrr! This coffee tastes good and my eye lids are heavy, but my body feels surprisingly good for so little true rest.

Spiritually I am mute. I am not sure what is going on, but the time and space I have here will not let me digress into it. I need something today. I need some one today. Peace, please?

Morning thinking

Woke up again today before the dawn...almost feels like the Navy again. Rolling out for the balls to four watch and standing duty...man, I don't miss those days! Good old Rotten Groton, CT. Brrrrrr! It is cold and clear outside and I eagerly await the sun and the start of another day. It is going to be so busy...but I can dig it!

This morning my mind crept back softly over the past a bit and I wondered and pondered some parts of my childhood and relationships I have had. Thoughts of Christopher and all those years. Fun in the sun at the lake. Sleeping in and driving aimlessly through the city. And Matthew, late night talks laying on the roof, staring at the stars and wondering who we would be in the far distant future.

Well the future is now. We have all moved on in our different ways, but I have to wonder, why are they married with kids now, and I'm still gay? What part of me didn't change and grow with time as it did them? Looking back, most of the guys I have been with in life, whether for years at a time, or something more May to Decemberish, have each moved past me in their development of life, if you want to call it that. Like the time for being boys, for them, is over and they became men, in more of a true or accepted sense. That is, if you can call being heterosexual and fathering children "manly". I guess it is a large part of what drives many humans on this earth. That need for pro-creation, fatherhood and what not. I don't desire that...at all. Nothing could be more scary than the thought of accepting responsibility for another humans life, knowing that by my actions, I have caused them to be.

I guess, in spite of my age and the trappings of adulthood that seem to follow me, I am still a kid in many ways. Am I the definition of arrested development? I have the financial freedom to do what I want, when I want, and my life is unencumbered by many of the responsibilities and obligations of my peer group. I remember my little sister telling me that I am selfish, to which I replied, I can't help but not be. I only have me to care for and take care of. Singular me. I still drive fast little sports cars, travel alot and tend to pick and chose my way through the activities and friends I want to be at and with. In fact, my lifestyle has changed little since I was in high school. I like nice clothes, shoes, gadgets, tools, books, music, guns, boating and good food. Hanging out, shooting pool and having a brew with friends is an easy way to spend time. Long mornings at coffee shops, sketching, reading and sharing conversation with other souls. Carefree in so many ways...is this healthy? Is this normal? Am I refusing to grow up? Did I get stuck in life somehow? Is this all it is? I fell in love with a boy, had sex with him and then just never moved on to anything else? Somehow they did. In fact, most of them did. I never thought of it like that. I guess I tend to keep it simple. I know what I like and don't ever really question it or examine it.

What further maturity is in store for me? Now that I have thought about this, does that mean I have to change? I like me...just the way I am. Is this just fear of something different? I can't help but think I am missing something...

Early in the Morning...

"And Abraham got up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the LORD..."
Genesis 19:27

"And Abraham rose up early in the morning..."
Genesis 21:14

"And Jacob rose up early in the morning..."
Genesis 28:18

"And early in the morning Laban rose up..."
Genesis 31:55

"And the LORD said unto Moses, "Rise up early in the morning ..."
Exodus 8:20

"and Moses rose up early in the morning and went up unto Mount Sinai, as the LORD had commanded him..."
Exodus 34:4

"And Joshua rose early in the morning..."
Joshua 3:1

"And when Samuel rose early to meet Saul in the morning..."
1 Samuel 15:12

"And David rose up early in the morning..."
1 Samuel 17:20

"...Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning..."
Job 1:5

"And very early in the morning on the first day of the week, they came unto the sepulcher at the rising of the sun..."
Mark 16:2

"And all the people came early in the morning to Him in the temple to hear Him...."
Luke 21:38

"And early in the morning He came again into the temple, and all the people came unto Him; and He sat down and taught them..."
John 8:2

"O God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is."
Psalm 63:1

"With my soul have I desired thee in the night; yea, with my spirit within me will I seek thee early: for when thy judgments are in the earth, the inhabitants of the world will learn righteousness."
Isaiah 26:9



Notice a pattern...?

Woke up before the sun today and bounced into another day with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. I popped my back, stretched out, rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and paused.

I wrote of watching out a window with a friend last Sunday morning and having a moment of contentment and peace, that came and went as he dozed.

This morning I watched the sunrise from that same place, this time without another person, and awoke to the fact that it is His heartbeat I should be listening for, His arms I should be leaning into, and His sunrise that greets each day.

God wants to move, speak and meet with me...early in the morning.

How many times, as my brain reboots and body comes awake, do I hurry through my activities in a hurried rush to start the day and re-engage with all the people and things I hold dear. What I move quickly towards is that which has my interest and focus. How often do I miss these meetings with Him? Those appointments He has set for me to simply wait and listen to His voice. How many times has He sat on the other side of a sunrise waiting for me, thinking...I do this for you, this glorious spectacle, everyday. Will he be here today? Will Daemon show up this morning?

Like Samuel said,"Speak Lord, for thy servant hears..."

So today, as I watch the sunrise over distant trees and land, the same sun that has greeted the morning for thousands of years over far and near places, I wait...

And listen.