A long day rising and how it goes. From the sun break, coffee dripped wee hours till this night place dark time I lay my head, many things have found me well.
Wow...what a day! Woke up before my alarm and coffee pot this morning (thanks Stevie J, long story) and kicked this days ass!
OK...not really. Had the Men's Breakfast this morning with all the guys from the church (not really all of them, but quite a few of us younger guys) and that started out okay, but went some really strange places. The food was Awesome! (thanks David P. and all the guys that cooked, the food was GREAT!) After eating and hanging out, we circled up to share some life and that's when all kinds of weird emotions hit me out of the blue. I mean, I know alot of these guys, some of them very closely, but suddenly I was sad and scared and confused. I have no idea where all this came from, but I couldn't share. I was unable to even make eye contact with anyone in the group and had to keep fighting off tears.
Needless to say, this really freaked me out, and I started counting the links on my bracelet and reciting all the names of the guys I have dated, been with, or slept with. What was that all about? Why did they pop into my head? Why do I remember their names? I didn't feel like I was worthy to be a part of this group of males and somehow that was related to my being gay. I have never felt excluded from a group of men in my life, in fact am most often the aggressive leader of the pack, and now fear, insecurity and emotions just blindside me? I got through it and tried to beat a retreat to work, but the friends were having none of it.
It is kind of hard to fidget with a stainless steel chain, mutter to yourself and cry without attracting someones attention...
So, spent some time with Stephen and David, explaining what I was feeling. I listened to them and was encouraged a 'lil bit (hugs helped), but went on to work with the feeling that I don't fit in anywhere. I don't understand all this. I have never felt this way before. Where is this coming from? Why do I feel so strongly cut off, even in the face of all this overwhelming love and support from my friends and brothers?
Work was good but long...too many hot guys, cute guys, beautiful guys...ya get the picture.
Got out of there and went to the Art Auction at the JW Gallery tonight. It was a fundraiser for our friends in the Pokot tribe in Africa. Each year we raise money to drill more wells for fresh water (last year we raised 60K, woot woot!) Tonight was soooo much fun, and all those weird emotions were gone, or at least for awhile. Everyone was there and looked so happy and shiny. Man, I love my friends!
We sold some awesome pieces of art (Stephen bought 3 himself) and it was amazing! Micah's band played for us and the silent and live auctions went smashingly. The only piece I wanted, I lost at the last bids...by a freaking obscene amount. GRRRRRRRR! I was sorry to have lost the art, but thankful that this person donated so much for such a worthy cause. More people will have water...life...and we will be able to share with them the living water, which is Christ Jesus. Oh...and the food...YES!
Anyway, that was my day today. I sit here with my feet up, eating a snack and downing water while preparing for yet another day. Church and work tomorrow...what a weird combo and collision of worlds. I'll sleep well tonight and re-examine later that weird emotional break, when my heart and mind feel around to it.
Tonight...I sleep alone.
I know the feeling of not fitting in and not wanting to make eye contact when in social events. I felt like that a lot when I was in high school a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....
ReplyDeleteAbout a year ago I was at one of my elder's home functions and felt the same way. I'm "Mr. Theologian" and more into the Bible than anyone yet because the only ones who know of my SSA issues are my elders and a couple close friends I had a load on my mind and yet didn't feel I could say anything so I kept my mouth shut because I was not "out" yet.
Such times can make me feel like withdrawing like a turtle into a shell but that is the worst thing I could do.
There probably hasn't been a single day in the past 2 years that I haven't found myself crying, though not always for the same reason. Sometimes it is because of the wonder of the grace of God in my life, other times it is because of regret over past sins, old emotional wounds or current loneliness.
But I press on, get through it by faith and sooner or later the sun is shining again and i see another miracle of God in my life.
Do not grow weary in doing good, for in do time you hall reap if you do not faint. (Galatians 6:9)
Love ya bro!
Erik
Daemon, you're words are always so honest. That's what I love about you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm right there with you and Erik: In certain situations or conversations, i feel totally out of place, and even awkward, because either I don't relate, or I'm intimidated by the guys around me. There have been many times where I just wanted to speak openly about life and issues, FROM the standpoint of someone with SSA... and haven't been able to out of fear.
I know how it feels, and I hope that you get a chance to be open in that setting. Those people are family, to a certain extent... I hope you are able to bless them with your perspective, and that you can get encouraged by their love and understanding.
peace.
Daemon,
ReplyDeleteYou said, "Tonight...I sleep alone."
I thank God that he gave you the grace not to sleep with a guy! Also remember that you are not alone even though no human is with you. God is there and He loves you more than any guy ever could.
Seriously, I use my time alone in bed to pray and worship God where I would not if someone else was there. Often God gives me great peace and joy in the process.