On being Impulsive

My schedule of life, sleep and work is certainly at odds with each other. There is nothing guaranteed each day except that it will always change. Transitioning from a life of ease all summer long to working two jobs has been interesting to say the least. Some days find me up for over twenty four hours straight while other days are slept away trying to let my body and mind recover. It is almost a culture shock really, but I am enjoying the work and the people I am with. Neither job is what I would call a career but they also don't require much brain power so give me plenty of time to think and listen to music, which I enjoy.

Yesterday started out at the doctors office for some tests and a check up and I had been awake since Friday morning so was feeling a little faded by the time I got out of there. Came home, cooked breakfast and went to bed. Got about 7 hours of sleep and then woke up with a few plans, beautiful weather and a pocket full of money. Not always the best thing for me.

The original plan was to get some coffee at Broadway then head over to church for our art auction that was a benefit for Advent Conspiracy. That was the general idea, but the random got in the way. I decided to stop into a friends club and grab a drink...and then a whole night of craziness ensued. Ran into an old friend from high school, all my regular buddies and we started bar hopping. None of this was planned but I am learning once again how impulsive I truly am. Nine times out of ten, if some one asks me if I want to do something, I will say yes, regardless of the consequences. I don't really think things through I guess. From the club we went to Tomfooleries, then another friends bar, all through Westport and then hit the cigar shop. From dives to underground speak easies, fancy A-list gay watering holes to the scrappiest hole in the wall joints, and each place the drinks went down like water. After a certain point...I simply do not remember anything at all, but that tends to be the case when I over drink.

I ended up blowing about 150 bucks all told and all I have to show for it is some hazy memories and a cigar. I could sit here and justify it to myself, but it really was just a waste of time and money. I used to live like that all the time and had really thought I had seen some change and progress in my life, but I guess old habits die hard. The one consolation I guess was not waking up in some strange guys bed or worse yet, in a good friends bed.

So today was a wash. Slept in till about one pm or so and have just been putting my head and mind back together with the help of copious amounts of water. I wonder what is wrong with me? Today I feel odd. Like I am sitting back and watching some other guy live my life. What am I searching for? Why do I feel incomplete? Is all of this worth it, this striving? Is anything worth it? Should I just chuck it all and just live how ever I want?

Maybe things will look more clear tomorrow. I hope so at least.

Daemon


PS: The pics are of my friend Liberty. He's a dork, but I love him!