Kind of in a strange mood this morning. Thanksgiving was great this year but also very different from those in the past. I worked all night on Wednesday and got off work at about 6 am. I was hoping for some sleep before the day began, but it never happened. I was able to lay down for about 15 minutes but then time and family schedule pulled me back up into the shower to start the day.
The dinner was great and time spent with family and friends was amazing. It is always good to get us all together in one place and share time and talk about what has been going on in this year. I got there early and set into the task of helping my sister and everyone cook. This was the first year my little sister actually cooked the turkey so it was fun seeing her joy in how fantastic it turned out! I was pounding coffee while carving it up, listening to music and hanging out in the kitchen while everyone who showed up to help. After a few hours, people started pouring in and the house was full. I, on the other hand, was completely beat. I had about 6 hours of sleep in the last 2 days and it was showing. I loved how when we came together, everyone grabbed each others hands and we stood there together, joined as a family and group of our friends to offer thanks for all the ways we are truly blessed. It is so good to be hooked back into this crazy group I call family. There were times in the past when we were apart and this year was so blessed.
I made it through the dinner and then started fading fast. I attempted to take a nap in one of the guest bedrooms but kept getting interrupted by picture time, by "Pin the tail on the turkey", by the patter of little feet and the constant calling for me to come back just one more time. Finally I had to call it a day. I felt pretty bad leaving early as we usually watch the game or a movie and stay up late into the night talking and sharing, and then head down to the Country Club Plaza for the Lighting Ceremony, but my bed was calling my name and it was not kidding around! I made the rounds saying goodbye and exchanging hugs and kisses and went back home to sack out. While it wasn't the usual holiday for me, it certainly was much better than others I have had in the past. Some years have been so hard.
This year was weird. Being single today was a bitter sweet feeling. I felt kind of strange not having someone special to share it with. My heart still hurts and longs for one that I walked away from. I wonder how he was today. I couldn't even bring myself to call him. I know people were wondering where he was, but I am so thankful that no one asked. I think I prolly would have just started crying.So why do I blog? I think I come here to say the things that are hard to say. To find a space where I can vent my frustrations and explore the doubts and fears I have about life. This is a spot where I have the freedom to say and feel exactly as it really is. Some of the guys who show up here know me, many more do not, but it is a bit of sanctuary. I write in my journals all the time, but that is different. In those books I write for me and would freak out if someone read them, that raw unedited dialogue in my head. Here I write or think out loud, hoping to share where I am at and who I am. I guess I am hoping for some guidance, for some understanding. For someone in this huge world to see a piece of my life and let me know that I am not alone. That this experience we share called life finds us all at odds with ourselves and the worlds sometimes.
I also write to share my joy and happiness, the hope I have for the future and all the turns in my path that I find myself on. I really don't know who reads these words. Sometimes I almost feel I have to edit my thoughts on the off chance that someone will get offended or misunderstand me, but isn't that often the case? That no matter how well we try to communicate, someone out there isn't going to get it? This place just lets me sit down every now and then, put my feet up and talk to myself out loud, while inviting others to participate with what is going on in my head. Life is strange like that.
Without the sharing it starts becoming pointless.
You're not alone. I write a journal for myself, but I haven't the cahones to publish my thoughts. I've been with my boyfriend for five years, and it's tough. Not sure how I'd feel to be without him...relieved or repining...it's hard to find a good man...
ReplyDeleteIf you feel the need to share your life with someone, why not ask God to come and fill that void left by your ex-boyfriend? When you long for his hug, why not ask God to give you a hug? I take it that all those things you want from a boyfriend are things that you missed out on when you were a kid and need to have met in God. Having those needs isn't a shameful thing, because God put the needs there, but ultimately only He can meet them.
ReplyDeletePerhaps too you're angry that others didn't meet your love needs when you were younger. That's ok too, to be angry about people who failed to love you. You don't need to defend or justify or excuse them. Be angry at what they did and get the anger out of your system, bringing it to God.
Love you, Damon. Haydn.