Pain inside

NOTE: This post was written when I was very upset and frustrated. I find myself in a more calm place now but wanted to warn you guys that it does contain profanity and some things that will be offensive. I want to stress I do love my friends, even when we do not agree and I  hope that you will read this for what it is; simply a snap shot of some of the stuff that storms through my head when I get down.

It is currently 5:25 am in the morning and I am in the middle of watching a documentary called FagBug. I finally just stopped it and needed to write some stuff down that is going through my head, I guess to just get it out there in words where I can look at it.

Anyone can look at my blog here and see what kind of struggle and confusion I am going through in life right now. I am a gay guy raised as an almost Christian, who then found faith later in my life and is now struggling with being a Christian and with being gay.

Some days I am cool with it all. Stuff doesn't bother me, life goes on. Other days it is a complete and total fight. This is one of those days. I feel kind of torn up inside and the more answers I seek and questions I ask from people the more jacked up and confused I get. I had no idea that choosing to accept my faith would result in such a huge confrontation between friends, family, strangers, churches and myself. I am getting to the point where if I could UNbelieve it all...I would.

There are Christians who hold the belief that my orientation and "lifestyle" is a sin and throw all kinds of verses at me, basically preaching hate at me from their pious and holy places. To them I am the scum of the earth, and you know... since I have heard that my whole life from preachers and churches, it is kind of hard to not let it sink in. You make me feel like total shit. In the past, you convinced me that God does hate me and I deserve nothing better than hell. Some days I am scared to death you are right and that there is no hope for me. You all single handedly can take this amazing and beautiful life I have and make it look like a worthless, perverted, fucked up thing. You hurt me with your words.

You make me feel that God is just like you, sitting up there judging me and wishing for the day when He gets to torture me for being such a jacked up sick fuck. It is hard to not believe you at times. I hear your message and feel its effects each and every day. I can't get your voices out of my head. I hate you for that, for telling me that stuff my whole life, even as a little kid. How cruel and screwed up are you people to treat children like that. To make me hate myself and wonder what was wrong with me? Do you know what that is like, hearing that stuff in Sunday School, knowing they are talking about you and having absolutely no one to talk to about it? I hate you. I really do.

Then I have these "Ex-Gay" people who I ran into shortly after finding Jesus and they told me this whole story about brokenness and confusion and held out some fable about change and hope. I tried to buy into that but in the end I found I was surrounded by a bunch of liars and frauds, peddling psycho babble and platitudes with no real basis in the Bible or belief. I did your little program things, attended your Conferences and even spent time at a residential program for about 3 months till I saw through the hopeless sham it was. You were trying to alter  peoples behavior and exterior and the sad thing was I was the most masculine guy in the whole group, including the leaders!  I just happened to like guys. I do not need someone to teach me how to walk or talk or how to relate to other guys. I know what to do and who I am!

There was nothing about being a "man" you could teach me, except maybe how to love and have sex with women...but you guys didn't do that either! I saw some of your sham marriages. What a crock of shit! I have never felt so preyed upon by older gays before in my life, outside of the gay clubs and bars I hit when I was 19 years old. Trying to just get through the days with the confusion of my housemates, the inevitable attractions and relationships that occur, no wonder I just took off  one morning with out warning and never looked back. What kind of bright idea did you have when you decided to take a bunch of young gay guys and put them in a huge house together and then tell them...don't be gay anymore?  I know all the stories. I have heard all the excuses. I have read your material and propaganda. I am done with you guys! It is a load of crap and you know it  deep in your hearts. You're just too cowardly to admit it. You hide behind your jargon and cute phrases. You have denied reality and found a source of power in your self loathing. You would make me sick, if it did not make me so sad. Thanks for jacking with my head. Thanks for selling a load of garbage to an impressionable young Christian. I hope you feel better about yourselves.

elses life is something to be toyed with? I am a real person! I had a life and future.

Then I met "Christians"  and they insisted that I turn my eyes inward and start dissecting and ripping my life apart, discarding what they counted as trash and refuse and attempt to smash and mold me into something they said God would love. This is nothing but narcissistic self destruction. You all took the very things I cherished most about myself and stomped on them. You tell me I am pure evil and the greatest threat to this country. You hate me, even as you preach love. I cannot walk with you anymore. I will not listen to anything if nothing makes sense. I quit your game. I must find peace.

Why do you have to mess with me? Why do you think that you have to change me to feel better about yourself? I am so confused and hurt right now. I know this post sounds angry and mad but I had to get it out of my head. I will shut up now.

Daemon