As I stepped outside this morning to sit and sip, I had a random thought. "I want more."
Now this wasn't some consumerist, materialistic driven grasping idea about desiring more things, possessions or material wealth. I have been content through life with far less than I own or possess right now. My bills are paid. There is food in the house. Each day I have clean clothes to wear. I have a car I love to drive, a warm and clean place to live in and sleep each night. There are savings growing for a rainy day and retirement. I have a job that I love to do, working with people who make my life richer...
And yet...something seems to be missing. My life has become more simple over the course of this year. There are far less people, groups and activities vying for my time and attention. (whether I miss that or not remains to be seen) Some of this is by my choice and others by the very nature of how time and life passes us all. But, on quiet mornings or during long drives at sunset, I find myself wondering if this is all there is. Is this it? We grow up, attain education and life experiences, participate in life with those we care about, work our vocations and provide for ourselves, some choose to have family and find love in different ways and times, but then what?
It is almost like watching a movie without a soundtrack, something to guide the emotions and inspire us past the threshold of the status quo. Maybe I am just a bit tired of the simple routine of modest success but I find my life less exciting, not as rich or fulfilling as I have in times past.
I don't think there is any major secret eluding me. I know that seasons come and go, not only with others but also ourselves. I am not going to rush this time or ignore the passing subtle emotions that come with it. I think over the course of the next few weeks and days I will reflect on it, sit with it a while, be present to what the universe and life may be telling me, and seek to find and be open to accept these changes and differences that life is bringing me now. Just because things are not as they once were does not mean they are not as rich, good or life filled as the past. They are simply different.
Sometimes it may just be a good lesson to be content with things as they are and not wish away the moment. I know there is more. Its own time will come, as it has in the past. Right now there is this.
daemon
i have found that when i simplify my life it causes a bit of an existential crisis in identity. all those things and people that we surround ourselves with, all the busy-ness, all that give us a lot to play with in the "meaning" department. take some of it away and the challenge to have a meaningful life increases. not many people have the courage to do that. but they are out there. there is something valuable in stripping yourself of mirrors (people), and spending time with your thoughts and feelings. see where it leads you--you will come out the other side a changed person. i did. and i love the changes. simplicity and quiet are not always easy, but then neither is constant noise. there is a middle ground.
ReplyDelete