Thoughts on life...

Today was interesting to say the least. It was a gorgeous fall day full of sun and cool breezes, but I did not feel good, so stayed home most of the day. Resting was something I definitely needed, as well as the time to think about what is happening in my life.

So many things are changing now. So many differences. All this is good in a way, but the new patterns and habits have yet to show themselves. Long drives and solitary jaunts to the coffee shop seem to be a new part of it. New music is being discovered. I am finally taking the time to really listen to myself, instead of filling each day with all the activities that have distracted me over the last 3 years.

Soon it looks, a new career may be unfolding, a new opportunity to explore something I have always loved and dreamed about. But not that it is becoming reality, I find myself suddenly afraid and unsure about pursuing it. Dreams in you head and heart are safe and quiet. They inspire from a distance and keep your mind musing, away from the mundane. Then...when they become reality, the openness in life they create is just as scary as seeing them unfulfilled. Do I dare walk that way? Looking for a path with shaky feet is altogether a new experience for me.

I used to charge recklessly into the unknown! I was the King of the Random, Master of the Spontaneous! I had the courage of an army and the energy of a child, and now...I am cautious. A bit slower with sudden changes. I know where dreams take me. I've seen the aftermath of them shattered. How my heart breaks and seeks to find something to soothe and comfort when it all come crashing down. I have made good choices this week. How strange it feels to walk away from the old and familiar and to the new?

This stirring of thoughts in me, the contemplation of new ideas, beliefs challenged and open mindedness is happening. I am not walking it alone. There are friends and family all around. How different that is, in and of itself. But what does this new chapter in life look like? I have had it all, done most of it and been all over...and still there is time for more. A phrase pops across my mind...the green mile...it seems so long.

Eh...but enough of the blah contemplation. I am excited! It is something new! Life is going to be amazing again. The grind of long hours for monetary gain are being traded for the promise of a new life. Time will tell of course, but for now it is good to love and be loved. Hmmm...that was really vague...I'll fill in the details later!

Sex, Coffee and Conversation

Eh...before you get all worked up, I didn't have any sex today, with friends or strangers, but it was on my mind and the topic of conversation tonight at my local coffee shop.

Today was pretty uneventful besides the fantastic weather and freakin' awesome time I had driving around the lakes and parks with the top down!

But back to the coffee shop...each afternoon and night, I tend to swing by and spend a bit of time just taking it all in. This local haunt has been with me since my teenage days and holds alot of memories and energy in my life. Each momentous occasion on my journey can always be linked to a visit and so many journal entries have been penned there over the years. This was actually the place I met Melissa, first heard and listened to the Gospel and got started in this new journey! Man...I love that place, but I am wandering.

I've been switching it up a little lately, from my usual quad espresso and iced tea, so it keeps throwing the guys and girls off when I show up, but change is good right? After I settled in on the patio, I started listening to tonight's convo and ended up talking to many new people and some old friends. No matter when you go, there are always the usuals around, and believe me, some of these guys and girls have been around the coffee shop as long as I have. Some of us even go back to the Planet Cafe days! (another local coffee shop I grew up in, gay owned operated...RIP...now closed...grrrrrr)

Oh...and FC was there...hmmm ( guy I have had a crush on since I was 16 yo, only have had the courage to talk to him once in life...only guy that has ever affected me like that, we always cross paths, share space, but we have a comfortable silence, and yes, this has been going on for years...literally)

Tonight was about relationships, love, sex, diversity...pretty par for the course, but I payed attention more, instead of throwing my ideas out there first. I am single right now, which is really odd for me, having been in a relationship of some type since I was 11 yo. Listening I realized, everybody wants the same stuff. To be loved, needed, nurtured, protected, valued, trusted, shared, touched, enjoyed. We are not meant to be alone. God said...it was not good that man was alone, and I agree with Him! We are relational beings, and are meant to share this life with someone else on an intimate and daily level.

So about sex, we got around to that, and I love having frank and open conversations with people who are educated and experienced in life. But the only thing different in each person's conversation were the pronouns. He or She...those are your options. Now you can compound this or complicate it any way you want...but the choice is the same. What's your flavor? Sex is sex, love is love, it is all the same. Two humans are involved...well at least two...ya freaks! We just relate and love differently. There is so much diversity in hetero relationships. Is it too much to ask for some openness and tolerance with us homo's?

I had a great drive home thinking about it all. The input, the opinions and believe me, there were some opinions! I get tired of having to "prove" that I am gay. So I don't fit your idea of a gay man! Get over it...especially you chicks! Anyway...life is good and tomorrow looks to be another kick ass day!

Special thanks for the emails and comments I have received here. Input is always needed and appreciated. Later all...

Body well...Mind bad

After a thorough stretching last night, I laid down to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. Loneliness hit me and my thoughts turned towards sex and physical lust. I slept fitfully till about 4 am and then the stress and caffeine hit me again. Sleep found me later and I woke up refreshed and ready for another day.

Another gorgeous fall day of cool breezes and sunny skies. Orange juice never tasted so good. The car is clean and the schedule open, but how to plan around this lurking in my body for the base and raw? I will have to watch my steps today.

It may be the weather, or the self imposed stretch of time spent without a boyfriend, but something in me is stirring that longs for the close and intimate. How to relax and enjoy my day without waking the beast? Some days are more mammalian that others I suppose. Simple will be good.

It's time to hit the gym and put my body through its paces. Maybe some lifting and running will bring relief to my mind. There just seems to be an amazing energy coursing through me today that calls out to be satisfied. Damn...I hate being single! Fall never felt so wistful with hope of promise unheeded.

Take me out to the Ball Game!

What an awesome day! I woke up early this morning, got cleaned up and cut my hair, put on some new shoes and walked out into an adventure. The roads were open, the sky clean, the top down and I was smiling all the way to church.

Erik spoke this morning on Genesis 4, a story of two brothers, two offerings, one death and a life of wandering the earth. How sin removes us from that conversation with God, and the grace he provides in spite of our broken and fragmented way of dealing with the temptations in our lives. I broke hard this morning weeping for it all, and finally cared not what people may have thought. God was speaking to me and doing something deep inside. Each song seemed to reveal and heal. As I stood before God today, crying and shaking, I felt the arms of my friend Stephen wrap around me, his head on my shoulder and simply hold me. No words, no open prayer, just comfort and the clear presence of a brother. You are not alone, we are all in this life and struggle together. I love you, God loves you, it will be OK. All of these things were communicated with out words. What an intimate and close thing for him to do. Thanks Stephen for being my friend, a confidant, prayer partner and truth speaker. I know it is not easy to reach out to someone like me, or to ignore what others may think. You are truly an answer to prayer! Peace and blessing to you.

This afternoon after church, Joel, his Dad, Stephen and I went to a Royals game and they won! Kick ass! We spent alot of time talking about life, what's going on in our circles and how things are changing for us all in this time of transition. It is so good to make honest, good friends, who want nothing more from me than to walk with me and share life. I am learning to listen more and not be so quick to run from emotions and feelings. This place of trust and vulnerability, while new, is beginning to do good things in my life. I look forward to this fall and all the activities and areas of ministry that are opening up. Keep it coming! I am loving it!

One thing that was awesome today, was a reprieve, or time out, from lust. It may sound simple, but no one caught my eye today and got me riled up. It is almost as if I was blind, if for a time, to all the things that normally catch my eyes, heart and mind and hold me a slave. Thanks God for small victories. It is truly in my releasing control that God can move.

This week is a blank slate...and I am OK with that for once. What will happen? I am kind of excited!

Road Trip!

We are off for St. Louis! My Dad, Mom and I to attend the State Meeting of the National Mayflower Society. It will more than likely be as fun as it sounds, though I have tended to enjoy meeting and greeting with the society types.

Man, if only we had decided upon a Monarchy here in the U.S. As the 13th direct decedent of William Bradford of Plymouth Colony, mayhaps I would have a title and be a part of the landed gentry. Would Crown Prince be too much to ask? But I kid...

This weekend should be interesting to say the least. I have noted a distinct power struggle in the Society since my Dad became both the Governor and State Historian. Hopefully a few drinks and cooler heads will prevail?

I am looking forward to church this Sunday, and hanging out with Stephen and some of his friends. Only time will tell how involved I will be in church this fall. I am thinking an open schedule and mind is better than an airtight one and shyness.

The car is here to pick us up, so I must be away...but I refuse to dress up! Okay, maybe slightly to please the family and keep up appearances. Shabby chic prep might do the trick? I'll fill in the details later. Happy traveling!

Hmmm...

Somehow I have stayed up all night reading other guys thoughts and opinions about being gay and being a Christian. Alot of different ideas out there...

I wonder why I don't have deep thoughts about all of these ideas, theology and politics like they do? They certainly seem well informed, or at least vocal.

I don't know what I think or believe about all of that. I know how I have lived in the past, and how I am living now, but I am not sure how that relates to what I believe. What am I? Who am I? I guess I am missing a part of my identity or at least have kind of shut it down. I haven't dated another guy for 4 years. Am I misguided, uninformed or just completely wrong?

This is certainly crude thinking I suppose, but better now than never? I guess I don't have all the words I need right now to explain it all. I guess it is good that no one reads this except me. I don't want this blog to be just about my confusion and journey about this, but it certainly seems to be in thoughts lately and I don't think I will get any peace until it is put to rest.

Thankful

I am thankful for:

good friends who show up and hang out when its not expected and most greatly needed.

beautiful weather, clear cool skies and a top down drive on twisty, curvy roads.

an amazing family who loves me and supports me in everything in life even when they don't understand my language.

clean crisp sheets and a safe home to sleep in.

the ability to express myself in music.

opportunities to learn more about myself and the why in life.

changes that come when needed, not just when wanted.

my church and all the love, teaching and opportunity it represents.

forgiveness.

the past being in the past.

another day to wander and be me, in my own way.

a God who loves me, just as I am.

a future, whatever it may be.

the hard times, because they make the good times so sweet.

myself and this life.

Change in the air

And you thought I was talking about coins! So many things in life are becoming different. It looks like the company has made its decision and I am no longer employed. In some ways this is fantastic, in other ways it is a complete let down. I am disappointed that they don't feel they need me anymore. Great news is, I have an interview tomorrow and may be moving into a new position and field this next week! Man, that was fast. I will have to see what the offer is, though beggars cant afford to be choosers. I am glad I learned to save at an early age.

Many things on my mind and its a beautiful day! Cool and crisp fall air is coming and a new lease on life! Such a contrast from the lows and gray gloom of yesterday. It seems as if the patterns of the last 3 years are drawing to a close and this new adventure is beckoning. New friends, changing church, different habits and positive things and people in my life. Breaking the repetitive habits that were bringing me confusion and turmoil is healing. I was living the definition of insanity and spending my way to smiles. Things don't satisfy, they merely distract.

Another trip this weekend is coming and a game to watch on Sunday. Looks to be a good week. I read through some old journals last night and reflected on where I have been and how my attitude and outlook on life has changed over the last few years. Definitely different things. Reaching out has been cathartic, scary but calming all at the same time. To have friends, one has to be friendly. I'm tired of being a stranger and am ready to throw myself into new places. I just need to keep the communication going and not shut down when I get anxious or scared. I hope this new position allows me the freedom of time to get more involved at church. So many ifs...

Freewerse

Moonlight wailing, and sandman surfers in a blue sky.
Always a red ball beating against more than just brick,
Seems to say all that is written there is prose.

Oh cup of Joe, if you will, makes a simple heart sing...like heraldry
And always the clash of Titans, in my heart and head.
Where have you been, my Huckleberry friend?

Maudlin days turn over Tuesdays with a hint of rain before.
I keep checking a wrist worn watch for something more than time.
It is you, and me, that waits. Wistfully...?

Always happily tripping past the bespoke suits that lie of comfort.
Will you be my two times friend? I'll give you my best.
Rushing on as all stands still, I'll keep questioning for more.

It is enough and thanks for smiling. My heart bigger grows.
Fertile ground you filled with something more than love?
This is how the brotherhood of man grows...it goes.

Thanks be.

Huzzah..its Ren Fest Day!

Getting an early start this morning. Up at 7:04, right at sunrise. A new day has begun and I have hit the ground running! OK, so not really running, but a good beginning. When did I get so out of shape? To many years of good food and not having to pursue something I guess. I used to run in the Navy, at least when they chased me! I can still hear my Chief yelping at me.

Coffee inside of me and most of my reps behind me. Today is chest and arms. Cardio will have to be added soon in order to cut this BMI index. I could spare at least 20 pounds of fat. I want to see whats underneath again, maybe by my birthday? That would lower my blood pressure and make me feel alot better. I know its there, but how did I pick this all up? One bite at a time, methinks! Who would have thought I weighed this much? I carry it well, thanks for the broad shoulders Dad.

Couple of hours till the Ren Fest, today is going to be a great day! I need to keep my eyes out for the good pictures, open my ears to listen and my eyes to enjoying new things. How about a different pattern of life for awhile? New things are brewing and on the starboard horizon. Keep a steady watch boys!

More later, still have to finish my press and curls and get ready for an adventure. Tally ho!

Clarity! Get here now!

Every time I have something important to say, it never comes to mind when I sit down to record a few thoughts! The last few days have been good, very simple and full of good things. We had a dinner last night, at the church, where I met alot of new people and just enjoyed being in a different place watching them and interacting , when I could sit still long enough. Matt, Eric, Andrew, Dave, Kim, Stacey so many names to remember, but at least some new connections!

Just finished dinner (Garlic chicken and grilled veg with pasta) and am watching an old movie. The story of William Wallace still resonates with me in so many ways. I am just taking it easy tonight and it looks like we'll be going to the Renaissance Festival tomorrow. Two for the price of one with five cans of food for Harvesters! Can't beat that price?

I have much on my mind, but not enough clarity to get it all out. I am sure that this weekend will stir things up enough to get my thoughts ordered, at least I hope so. Setting up a meeting with David for some counseling, church of course and some good times. All is well, or at least as well as can be expected. Got the letter mailed off to the state today, so should be able to drive the new car soon! Yippee!

It's going to be a good day...

Woke up early this morning, refreshed and ready to tackle this thing called life. Body feels good though I need to remember to get my work out in today, been a little lax the last few. Cleaned up the kitchen and know I need to tackle the organizing of the shoes...lol

My new car cover came and fits like a glove. Had a few complaints, but that was resolved with a quick phone call, and another car cover will be shipped out soon. Two for the price of one! Can't beat that...

I have alot on my mind right now, but suffice it to say, life is changing, in a good way I believe? Everything is different, right down to my sleeping and eating schedule and the last few months have been a whirlwind of responsibility, new friends and activities, and organizing the last 3 years of my life into some semblance of order in my mind and heart.

What to do now? I have some ideas, but need to do more investigating and thinking. I guess being single has a ritual purpose now of being of one mind with myself about what is important. Kind of a pre-mid life house cleaning? We will see...

Thoughts on the Weekend

So, it has been a few days since I included some thoughts here, better get cracking. It was a busy weekend, but really good for me. Church was interesting with a new speaker who will be around during this time of Transition, but his voice really hacked me off. Is that kind of harsh? It made it hard to concentrate on what he was teaching, and his content left a bit to be desired. That's probably my fault. It was a hard day where everything seemed to be wrong. The lighting, people's voices, my clothes, all of that, nothing was working of me.

The after noon and evening were alot better. Hung out with Stephen and Mark and wandered around the city. Checked out Skies for the first time and loved that view and the conversation. Roamed around downtown and ended up at Minsky's for some food and the game. Somehow ended up staying all night talking to Mark. It was good to get to know him better.

Tonight I met a really neat older man who taught our VIP class. He shared his life story and also imparted a great deal of wisdom. The principle of "72" and how every choice we make in life has repercussions and consequences. Stayed after class to talk to him and really made a connection. Possibly more on that later.

Analyzing

Got done with my class this morning and went to the store. Picked up a few things I needed and am contemplating going to the Westport Art Show. Maybe will call Stephen later and see if he wants to go as well.

Missed the 10th Anniversary thing at the church today. Really wanted to be there to help out and spend time with some people, but too many schedule conflicts. Also missed my car club meeting and road trip as well, but that's the price for making foolish decisions. This lesson I am learning sure does suck, but maybe it will stick this time. My skull seems to be pretty thick. Thinking about it today, I realized that I have totaled 5 different amazing cars since I turned 16. Grrrrrr...

I wrote about six pages in the last two days while at class, and much of it seemed to revolve around Blake. To be so strongly attracted to someone radically different than me? I seemed to keep returning to him while musing and journaling, and spent too much time looking at him. At least it didn't hurt my test scores. I am not sure what drew me to him so powerfully. Sure, I understand the physical attraction there, he's a great looking guy. Slender and muscled, golden tan, dark curly close cropped hair and chiseled features. Wow, I can still see him in my head. Strong but graceful hands and beautiful sculpted legs...hmmm And he was shorter than me as well. Yep, definitely my type.

There was some other quality that acted as a beacon, a magnet, for my attention. I wanted to really know who he was. What he thought? What was behind those dark and curious eyes? Usually some morning scruff and intricate tattoos aren't my thing, but he had a presence and charisma around him of strength, intelligence and masculinity. Something in him, called to something deep in me.

The thing that stayed with me, was a moment in class when we locked eyes. I was simply looking up when he stretched when it happened. He simply placed his arms back on the table and looked directly at me. He had a very honest and naked look in his eyes, and simply looked at me looking at him. The communication there took me off guard and was intense. What happened just then? We were both comfortable just looking, staring really. Most of the time, when eye contact is made between strangers, one or both quickly avert their eyes to relieve some kind of pressure. We did not. We both just looked till we were done. What did that mean?

I keep wondering if there was something in him, that I feel I am lacking, or something similar to us both that I was detecting? Was I drawn to him from a void in my life, or moving towards him due to an undetectable shared trait? That attraction was not just physical, like it normally can be, something that eventually passes, or is of no surprise to me. This is something that I will be thinking on for some time, as I have not had that feeling for many guys in my life. That something more... the unknown. What happened there?

Interesting

Tonight I listened as 11 other people shared their life stories, their problems and how they felt about them. We were all gathered to find some answers, but I felt that I left with more questions than I arrived with. I won't try to guess what it is all about, but I am OK with not having all the answers right now and not understanding myself. I will just operate now with the truth that I do have.

Tomorrow I will be here early, and instead of joining friends to work and share time with, I will once again be with 11 strangers, listening and looking for answers. I am there for a reason, part for me, and part for them. Honesty and openness comes with a price, but if that is the fare to seeing some peace, then so be it.

How to deal with the attractions? With that longing and angst that seems to spread from nowhere and finds me everywhere. I can't escape myself and refuse to believe that something is irrevocably wrong with me. How with so many, can I feel so alone? I do not chose despair and sadness, as those are emotions I have very little experience with. It is not that they have not presented themselves to me at times in life, but I have merely stepped around them and kept walking. Such is the case with a Capricorn, always climbing, nothing interfering with the plan.

Not even myself.

Gack! It comes in three new colors...

Grrrrr..getting closer to 4 pm. Tonight is a bust, but needs to be done. I detest sitting in classrooms, but always have since I was a child. Surely there is a better way to learn? Need to get my workout and run in soon, then shower and throw on some presentable clothes.

Got alot done today, not merely work but some car stuff too. At least he is all clean and shiney now! Looks like I will be missing the car club meeting this Saturday, as well the 10th Anniversary Work Day at the church. http://www.jacobswellchurch.org/ Schedule conflicts...so much fun!

Well, time to get my ass in gear. So much to think about today. Managed to capture some really good pictures that need to be uploaded as well. Possibly later? Duty calls...

A new day!

Hello Stranger,

Woke up this morning and stepped outside to a beautiful day. Those morning moments in the sun often set the tone for how my hours will pass. Body feels good, though a bit sore. It is something I have taken for granted all these years. Getting back into my exercise and fitness reminds me of the physical highs I used to get in the Navy while training. I guess I have been living inside my head too much?

Checking mail, replying to messages and cruising for my news always gets me going. It is amazing to me the patterns in life that I fall into. While at times I detest change, I spend most of my free time looking for something new? Information, entertainment, passion...all these things bring promise of change, but when it occurs, it still takes me by surprise? I can feel something inside me waking up from that slumber that all too often grips one in the monotony of daily life.

I have found at times that these moments of clarity often follow an event, or a lack of sleep, or time of stress, but they have been occurring more frequently now without those foreshadowings . I welcome them, but wonder what changes are occurring in my heart and soul? Life is becoming more real, and I am spending more time looking out of me, than within myself.

This weekend is full of tasks, some which call me away from what I would rather be doing. Thus is the responsibility fulfilled. Doing what one has to, or must do, first, seems to be the domain of men. It is certainly time for that in my life. The perpetual adolescent life I have lived seems to be waining more each day. Life is not composed of an abundance of things or people. Measure it in a different way.

A thought crosses my mind. Don't worry about what other people think...they don't do it that often.

Auspicious Timing!

Good Morning Strangers,

How apt it was to find myself in the process of starting my post-Luddite excursion into the realm of electronic medium, when all points stop! I receive a message from a friend that literally stuns me with its content and wisdom. Rarely my inner dialogue fails me when confronted with anothers thoughts, but powerful this was.

While I won't elucidate, suffice it to say, it was much needed. Such words were penned for such a time as this...or some such noble tripe? You kick ass man! Thanks for the shot in the arm of encouragement. Good news from a far place are like apples of gold in pictures of silver.

I find it much easier to begin my words here and simply let the beginning of my story find its way to the present, all the better to illuminate and color the future. My past years ramblings have always been captured by ink and paper, to be stored on shelves, tucked into boxes, given to friends or strangers, or lost, while someway barely through their pages. Those interesting and sometimes puzzling books will not end, but merely be augmented by the thoughts captured here.

That being said in a somewhat formal tone(being used for some reason or not?) I slip back to my normal voice and say it was a long day. Sleep finds me soon, after a brief walk outside and quick perusal of the sky. Peaceful it is here tonight. My body aches comfortably from heavy things lifted and the quick moving of itself over distances. To be younger again...but time waits for no man. Least of all me.

Events today made me smile broadly, feel incredible joy in being alive, whistle while I walked and also a few tears from wistfulness and nostalgia, that for the life of me, I am a sucker for. I also saw beauty today and kindness. It is good.