Note to self...

Daemon,

Well its been another long night, but you sure got alot done! Good work on the music and laundry, not so much on the studying and planning for the week. Don't forget that tomorrow you need to call corporate and register that certificate and award, other wise you lose the credit, cash, and pretty much look like a dumb ass.

BTW...in the morning, please make some fresh coffee. This really weird habit of drinking day old coffee is starting to freak someone out (you know who) and even though he doesn't touch the stuff, he still doesn't think its healthy. (read...sane)

Hmm...well might as well put everything away and head off to bed, just didn't want a this day to rush by without putting a few thoughts down. Congrats on the good work yesterday and for getting home after work, instead of slaggin' all over the city. Make sure to call Stephen in the morning and make sure he woke up for church. Oh...and don't forget to pray about what David stopped by and told you. Mums the word, topper!

I know you are tired, but a few more lines won't hurt. What is going on with you? How have you been? Why have you just kept operating on auto-pilot? I think you are trying to talk yourself out of school (DON'T) and also are thinking about blowing off the Pure Heart Seminar. (PLEASE DON'T) Are you really this self duplicitous all the time, or is this something new?

Don't forget to get the car clean in the morning, and for once, wear something casual for a change. And yes, some of the things you wear "look" casual, but lets change it up a bit? I dare you to just grab something and put it on, say...right out of the dryer? Oh...and cut your hair, it looks funny!

What about the new glasses? Are you ever going to wear them? Let me know on that, otherwise what the hell did you buy them for?

Hmm...new thoughts on the blog, about asking and answering questions and then have other people post their thoughts and answers...prolly not going to fly, since people don't even have time to write their mothers a letter. How are they going to find time to write you something? I dunno...think on it I suppose. Love you man and glad you are feeling better!

Daemon

PS: Call your parents tomorrow, and your siblings..they miss you.

Bunch Of Phonies Mourn J.D. Salinger

Salinger

CORNISH, NH—In this big dramatic production that didn't do anyone any good (and was pretty embarrassing, really, if you think about it), thousands upon thousands of phonies across the country mourned the death of author J.D. Salinger, who was 91 years old for crying out loud. "He had a real impact on the literary world and on millions of readers," said hot-shot English professor David Clarke, who is just like the rest of them, and even works at one of those crumby schools that rich people send their kids to so they don't have to look at them for four years. "There will never be another voice like his." Which is exactly the lousy kind of goddamn thing that people say, because really it could mean lots of things, or nothing at all even, and it's just a perfect example of why you should never tell anybody anything.

Wrong turn...

Yesterday I left the house to wash my car and meet Tom Cole for coffee. Everything was fine till I decided to take a "short cut". Or rather, a different route to the prayer house that I have ever taken. Easy, huh? Just another exit off the highway and right to it?

NOPE.

Totally got lost and turned around. While driving around trying to find my place and space I had to drive past this back hoe that was dredging a broken water main and putting all the muck into a dump truck, all the while spewing vile nastiness onto the road. Clean car...mud and water.

Needless to say...I was HOT!

Like cussing and screaming in my car at the idiots.

Drive, drive, drive..where am I?

I finally decided to go all the way back to the highway and take the route that I know. But while doing so, I got my bearings and figured out my hour of wandering was started by one simple wrong turn.

Has this been a picture of my life? Talked and shared my testimony with Tom and then spent 4 hours at the prayer room reading his book, Pure Heart, and crying my eyes out. I am sure they thought I was a nut job. Big dude...crying. Nice...just had to keep getting tissues for my nose and face.

But I needed that. It is what I am going through. My nice clean life is driving by that place where all the dirt and crap is being dug up, and no matter how I rage, it is getting on me. I can't avoid it. My past is rushing up to meet me and I can't deal with it all.

So then I went and got hammered at the bar.

That was my response to so much emotion and God. To drink myself into a happy stupor. Is that really the healthy way to cope?

I don't think so.

I am the rich young ruler and I can't just let go of all that I am, all that I have, all that is mine and follow Him. But my heart so desires to. So much.

Now what to do? His love demands my all and I am desperately clinging to all that is me. I just can't force my hands open. I mean, I have everything I ever wanted right now. At this moment in many ways I am happy and content.

But another part of me just weeps. This is not what I was created to be.

Hmmm...

Woke up this morning with the first thought on my mind to delete my post of last night and resume business as un-normal.

For those of you who read it, my sincere apologies, but that is where I was living in my head place and heart space last night. To recap for those fortunate enough not to see it, simply put, I had a moment of clarity last evening and it spilled over into this venue. I am a materialistic fool who indulges himself and his wants without a thought for the future. I place resources and things away for my eventual retirement, to be sure, but also spend sums to placate this wanting in my soul...and it does not satisfy. For a moment maybe, but it is not true peace.

As I choke down my vitamins and protein this morning, the moral inventory and visual perusal of the physical plant finds me sorely lacking. Raw posts, without the filter of reason and present sight are not a good thing, though honest. In the future I will refrain, or at least attempt to sort my thoughts before placing them here.

To those who were offended...I simply ask forgiveness.

Sunshine

Hoping and praying for a better day...more to follow!

How many times?

This song came on today as I drove into the city, slipping past my ears and down into my heart, where it settled down heavily and curled around my soul. The last few months my music has been a collection of old and new music while my worship music and time in the car has slowly wasted away. I was not consciously cutting it out of my life, but instead was choosing new anthems to celebrate all the changes and choices in my life.

Some when in there I stopped singing about HIM and started singing about "him". I stopped dancing for HIM and started dancing for "me".

I was sick again today, another bout in a long line of harsh days following dark nights of less sleep and rest. All of this is taking a toll on my health and manner and I am finding that my body is slowly wasting away, almost in a picture of how my spiritual health has been. I am neglecting too many good things, and living and diving into all that I have left so many times before. I am not eating right. I am not sleeping right. I am not right.

So confused and clear at the same time. It is like looking at the exit ramp and driving right by it, again and again and again. How to change lanes and break the death grip I have on the steering wheel. Steer me, God!

Lately I have felt an impostor at church, someone not meant to be there, who soon will be asked to leave, even as I sit there and try to listen. Those unconnected to me, simply walk on by and see what I want them to, while something in me is reaching out for more accountability and friendship. I am near, but not with. Loved but not cared for. Talked to but not asked. Lonely in a pack.

I must choose.

I must reach out.

Or this is going to kill me, in time.

Q. and A.

A friend had some questions posed for a group of friends so I thought I would share the questions and my answers here today...




1: Have you ever told your pastor/congregation about the fact you are gay and how did he/they respond?


Yes. This was the one of the initial things I talked to my head pastor and personal pastor about when I visited my church for the first time, even prior to salvation. I was invited by a girl who met me at a coffee shop and was witnessing to me (long story) and I started going to church with her to listen and try to figure what this was all about.

And by “this” I mean faith and the gospel. I have never hidden anything in my life so I simply let them know I was a gay guy and would my boyfriend be welcome at church with me?

Tim and Shayne both welcomed Kyle and I and simply told us to listen and be open to what we heard and how it affected us, ask any questions we have and see what happens. They were wise enough to not condemn two unbelieving gay guys and honestly opened their doors to us when we were seeking truth. They knew that the truth of the Bible and working of the Holy Spirit would convict us in the areas we needed change in, but also understood that nothing mattered at first except where we stood with Jesus Christ.

Suffice it to say, this was the first time in my life I had been welcomed into a church as a real person and loved by anyone in any type of spiritual organization. They lived Jesus to me, and that made all the difference. The other churches I had grown up in just kicked me out and told me I was going to hell, right at the time in my life when I most needed some help. After that happened in high school, I never went back to a church till after I got out of the Navy, but that is a story for another day…


2: What are two or three things you wish your pastor/congregation understood about the gay people in your church?

We have many diverse and different people in our church, but even with all the understanding and other places in life we have come from, there is still always room for improvement. There are many other guys who are struggling with SSA, or who are gay and all the other areas on the spectrum, so I am not alone or treated oddly because of my past and present. But a few things I wish I could relate to them all are:

1. Please do not define me by my struggle. I do not want to be known as another “gay guy” at church. I never let my orientation and struggle define me before I met God; it was simply a facet of my personality, like the color of my hair, or my last name. It was important to be sure, but not an end to itself.

2. Don’t be afraid to talk to me about my life and how I am doing. Some of the guys still kind of tip toe around the issue, wanting to be a help and truly care about me, but either their discomfort, or a lack of understanding seems to stunt how our friendships develop at first. We all share our different fights and battles and mine are no different from yours, the pro-nouns are just different!

3. Just because I want to be your friend, and genuinely like you does not mean I am sexually attracted to you. If I am attracted to you, I am going to tell you, and we will deal with it then. I have to have honesty to have a friend, and when I am dealing with this kind of stuff, I can’t hide how I feel and expect to be healthy.

4. At times all the church activities are geared towards families, married people, dating couples and people at different places than my life status. This can hurt at times and make me feel an outsider in the very place I need to be loved. Think of things way “outside of the box” and consider how guys and girls like me feel and find ways to include us, not exclude us, simply by not thinking.

5. Do not assume that some guy who comes to church with me is my boyfriend or that we are sexually involved simply due to my nature. This goes for my close friends at church too. I can have friends too! But on the flip side, ask me questions, it keeps me safe and sheds light into areas that sometimes are easier to keep dark and vague.

6. My identity and struggle are wrapped around each other in my head. I literally “am” my sin, or at least that is how I feel at times, so when you condemn harshly or thoughtlessly comment on stuff, I feel you are hating at me. The other reaction is just ignoring the topic all together. This makes me feel invisible and unwanted.

7. There are always going to be many different opinions about SSA, homosexuality and all the issues around it, but please respect others beliefs and don’t try to “fix” or “change” anyone. Let God do that. Truth always prevails. I am not anyone’s project or cause.

8. Just love me. I am human too, and no, I don’t want your kids!

3: What could your pastor/congregation do to help you in your walk with Christ? (Especially in regards to understanding God's forgiveness)

1. Ask me how I am doing, and not just politely…and then LISTEN to what I say. I make a great effort to understand all these hetero people, even though I cannot identify with them in so many ways. We have completely different lives, but we have much we can learn from each other. Please show me the same respect.

2. Do not ask me a question you do not want the answer to, because I will answer it.

3. If I need your opinion I will ask for it. When I ask a question, I am looking for what God says in the Bible, not something you think, maybe, sort of, kind of know, heard once, stole from a book...and on and on. When your words match His words and His heart...I will believe you!

4. I can smell patronization from a mile away. And yes, I can see your face, when you react to things, you are not invisible. Just be real, even when it hurts.

5. Talk to me, not at me.

6. If God forgave you, then He forgave me too! God's forgiveness of me is not dependent on YOUR approval! Sin is simply sin. Don’t make me out to be some kind of weird freak because I like guys and this country has serious hang ups with human sexuality.

7. I will never live out a belief that I truly do not comprehend or understand. What this means is my external actions will match my internal convictions. If these are not up to par with your thoughts and ideas, please let God work on me about it. The last thing I need is you trying to imitate the Holy Spirit.

8. Just be yourself. That is what I am doing.

9. Please do not ignore me or act like I never told you the truth. I listen to your problems. Friendship and community are not one way streets.

10. Never, ever, ever, try to set me up on a date with a girl. That is fair to no one and will hurt me and make me upset. A girl cannot fix my problem.



4: Have you told your parents about the fact that you are gay? If not, why not? (I ask this because most of the time pastors deal with homosexuality only when a parent tells them about their kid who has just "come out of the closet." So this is a big issue in the ministry)

I grew up gay, so this is a moot point. I never came “out”, because I was never “in”. I came home from school in 6th grade and let my parents know I liked Erek. We just went from there. They have been with me and loved me every step of the way.

Even when I did not believe in God, I was still their son. This has never come between us, though it was not always easy. Why do people not communicate about the truth? Is living a lie any easier? That is not a condemnation, simply an observation. I am not saying that my parents were thrilled to have a son who liked boys, but we opened a dialogue that has lasted till today.

I will never forget overhearing my dad tell a friend of his that “I love my gay son”. I am sure that was not easy for him, nor having me as a son was ever simple, but love conquers all. They were always a picture to me of what Jesus must be like and always pointed me to God.

My mom and I have always been close and she is the one who has walked me through the heart aches and giddy feelings that all relationships have. I owe her so much. Love you Mom and Dad!

5: If you told your parents, how did they respond?

I still remember my mom’s words when I told her I liked a boy. “We will see…” and “We need to talk to your dad when he gets home…”

My dad was a bit confused at first till I let him know that I liked Erek the way my brother liked his girlfriend. Then he got it. He went out of his way to teach me and affirm me as a man. I learned everything he could put into my life. He was determined that I not be a "sissy" (his word) and it may have been easier for him, since I did like sports, and the outdoors, cars, hunting, fishing, camping all the stereotypical "guy stuff". He never understood my softer side and all the cooking, fashion, writing, music and botany. But...he loves me very much and I thank God everyday that he gave me to them.

We have simply taken it one moment at time. The guys I dated were always welcome in our family, because my parents would rather have me near than outcast and away. I think their treatment of me was wise. They let me be myself, but never apologized for the truth of what they believed either.

They want me to be happy, how ever I define that, but they also want me to follow God. This is a journey that is described, found, and lived one small piece at a time, one day at a time.


I have never heard and or seen such tears of joy and relief the day that I called them and told them I had found Jesus. We are now walking the same road together from different places back to home.

DRH

Worried...just a bit.

You know, I had a really good day today. Simple...slept in (day off) and just puttered around at my own pace. Cleaned house a bit, worked out, got my run in, showered, coffee...the usual things that I don't always have quiet enough time for. Was actually able to sit down for a bit and read, listen to some new music (thanks Chad for the burns) and just generally make some time for myself without all the distractions and thoughts of others.

Tonight was great too. Had a big dinner at church(something we do every Third Thursday) and met some new people and spent time with old friends as well. The food was awesome, as usual, and I found myself eating dinner with strangers, well, at least people I did not know yet. I made it a point tonight to go sit in the big open space, instead of the comfort zone of my circle of friends and then interact and introduce myself to those who joined me.

I guess I looked rather friendly and non-threatening, because my "L" of tables filled up rather quickly and talk ensued. The strange thing is, I found myself kind of flanked on 3 sides by girls, females, what ever the right word is for those certainly different and somewhat strange creatures. First observation, they ask so many questions! And by so many, I mean, they never stop asking questions, not even when you ask them questions back. Talking to a girl is quite a work out I guess, cause their minds think so differently? They kind of establish a base line of reference to measure you, and then go in and out with the verbal jabs, probing for more information and content.

Guys do not do this.

We just talk, or listen, depends on our mood.

So yeah, verbal sparring or something. I think I held my own well, simply by emulating their patterns and turning the line of questioning back on them. This worked for a bit, until they seemed to grow restless answering my questions about them, so they quickly pounced on the next male target that their sights acquired. Poor guy...but he seemed to love the attention so, more power to them!

Second observation, they are always making eye contact...like too much...and they tend to touch the people they are talking to. What is that all about? I do remember the stuff they said and the questions they asked, but just not sure how to rate or quantify that experience. I do not know much about them (females) so I'll just kind of leave all that alone.

That was an odd part of my day.

The second weird thing, that I alluded to in the title of this post was about being worried. And this is what worries me. I spend time reading other guys blogs and they have a multitude of words and thoughts. I mean, they think much deeper about so many things than I do. Now I count myself of okay intelligence, quite brilliant in some areas actually, but when it comes to things spiritual and political, I find myself aghast at the depths these guys delve.

My brain doesn't even work like that...ever.

I cannot even figure out what head space makes people think and reason like that about things.

I do not want my brain to work like that either.


But...



am I an idiot?

I had this experience once where suddenly I was struck by the fact that I was retarded, literally. I mean, hell, it made sense. Everyone liked me and was always really nice to me. They tended to make time for everything I wanted to do. I always had a different set of rules than the other kids, and the world seemed to step aside for me. That, countered with the fact that people kept telling my I was special and there seemed some confusion on what to do with me in school, led me to the conclusion that I, Daemon, was disabled, retarded, whatever the PC word is I am supposed to be using there.

So, being the resourceful guy I am, I confronted my Dad and Mom about it. (Just like I confronted them about being adopted that one time...or having a twin brother...long stories both) And what did they say...No...they protested! You are just smart in your own way...blah, blah, blah..used the word special, expressed concern that I would feel that way, asked questions about who told me that. In short...


...all of the things you would say to a retarded kid to reassure him that he was "fine" and "okay" and "special" and that there was "nothing wrong with you" and "God made you very unique".

Well crap! It ended up backfiring and becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy to me, that I battle at times to this day. While I do have my deficits in neuro-cognitive development and know that I am not neuro-typical, something inside of me realizes that I do have some intelligence and a large mastery of knowledge, coupled with a small portion of wisdom. That being said...there are just times when I fell retarded all over again.

Sometimes it is about life, or matters of faith, girls, boys, money, friends, all of these things make me feel less than my peers at times. After reading these other peoples thoughts tonight...I am worried again.

What is wrong with me?

Day off...

Hmm..sitting here about noon considering either more coffee...or lunch. Haven't bounced out of the house yet, but the gray day seems to be holding me in a bit longer than usual. Yesterday was excellent and much needed. Got to do some wandering, work on my photography, met Jeff to hang out a bit and then pizza and a movie with Michael. We watched "Must Love Dogs". Pretty cute movie and seemed to fit the occasion as he is getting ready to adopt a new little puppy this weekend to fill the void in his heart left by Brutus, who passed away just a few months hence.



I did find it interesting that while he identified with the girls in their search for love and meaning, the points in the film that brought me a few deep sighs and single tears were the intersections of the guys in their lives and the beauty that such conflict and communication can bring. It was good to watch something funny and sweet and just hang out. It is good to be close.

Today has a list in store, but how much will get done I am not sure. Oil change, grocery shopping, dinner tonight at church for Third Thursday and who knows what else...oh yeah...fill the car up with gas and stuff. At least it is clean!



I guess I don't have much on my mind at the moment, though my toes are kind of cold...mental note, grab some socks...lol This week is going well and this year is finally kind of settling into a comfortable pattern and rhythm after the hectic pace of holidays and birthdays. Simple I guess is good.

Something is needed though, a change perhaps of something, not sure what, just know that there has to be more than this? I am not talking about activity, or friends, or work, but of the satisfaction that comes from truly producing something of worth and living for more than just myself and keeping the people in my life happy and taken care of. I need something to stretch my horizons internally, a challenge to something new. Music, art, free time, patterns, conversations, movements and haunts in the city are all the same and have been for a while. New everything, or new something? I already have a new someone. I dunno right now.



Somewhat puzzled by my relationships with others right now, but I guess that inquisitiveness appears when all is well and I am wondering when something is going to mess up or break. Contentment fits well, like a over washed flannel shirt and broken in blue jeans. Is this what happy feels like? Not sure...it has been awhile.


Welp, guess I ought to get my day going, this list isn't going to do itself. At least I got my workout and run in already...time to hit the shower and get out there for the rest of the day. Hopefully I'll find some words later to capture what is going on in my head and heart right now. It is all over my face, in my eyes and crisp smile...the way I hum and sing to myself...just don't have the clarity to put it down here.
Brutus we miss you.

Timing

It is amazing to me that at times when I am at my lowest point internally, both spiritually and emotionally, out of the blue, a Christian friend will call to check on me, chat and just share life and time.

Tonight as I was getting ready for bed, I was feeling pretty low about some stuff and Stephen called to check in and see how I was doing and what was going on with me. It was great to talk to him about current things that I am learning, what God is showing me and to also listen to his struggles and lessons.

We both have realized that we need accountability in our lives about so many things, but are hesitant to take that step and really open up and share what we are facing and fighting with. As men, we hate admitting weakness and confessing what is really going on in our lives. Why does everything always have to be fine, and when did we get the idea that the real details of our friends lives are none of our business? If we never asked and answered questions, we would never learn anything about them, or be able to help them with their problems. It is good to have such a great friend who continually points me back to Christ, listens to my crap and still loves me in spite of my brokeness.

Tonight he asked me if I had any interest in starting to minister to others, sharing my testimony, possibly teach or speak and get involved in prayer and worship for others. I was candid and told him that for so many reason I feel unworthy or unqualified to be a part of God's work. He listened to it all, reminded me who I was as God's beloved kid, and spoke some truth in love to me. God can use me. I am not worthless. It is time I stop listening and believing all these lies that pop into my head.

God's timing is good. I need the encouragement and shot in the arm from another brother. Stephen, thanks for being my friend. You are loved. I trust you will consider and pray over what we discussed and hold me in your heart and prayers before God, as I will you.

Thanks God. You are pretty amazing...

I don't want to write this...

I don't feel like blogging right now, but you know what? Tough crap, Daemon! Sometimes you don't get your way, and this is one of them. Not sure why I hesitate to share life at the moment, but something inside of me is really pulling back from it all and everyone. I think David hit it on the head last night, when he pointed out that I am independent all the way to the harming and marring of myself. Why is it so damn hard for me to reach out? He also said lots of deep stuff about foundation and formation, but it was kind of hard to grasp. I mean, I sort of got it at the time, but then it kind of slipped away.

I guess what he was talking about was that some things "are" me. For instance...I am male. I have a dick, a penis, whatever word ya like. That part of me is pretty easy to see and understand. But so many other things have been formed around that reality in my life, and much of that formation seems to happen around our childhood years. Now to be honest, that always sounding like a load of total crap to me, and I never put much stock in all that touchy-feely, talk about your childhood, hold hands, kum-bai-yah, sit in a circle jerk, crazy talk. BUT now that I am willing to really examine some stuff about growing up,from childhood to teenage years, there was some (edited for content by author) bad things going on.

I am sorry to you all, that is the only way I can put it right now. (profanity deleted)

Looking back I realize that I have claimed as my own all the actions of others, all pain they caused and confusion and made it into something "good" in my life. I have been the ultimate spin doctor of my own history. Meaning, I have 1. tried to claim that power they exercised over me, as a conscious act of MY choosing, 2. decided to remember good there, when there was bad and thus attempt to 3. negate all the harm and hurt done to me. It is like a perpetual pair of rose-colored glasses looking back at my past, or just re-writing all the events in my minds eye, to re-explain or resolve all the things I hated or did not understand. Kind of like, I chose this and actively participated in it, got some good out of it through who it made me into, the lessons taught about people so....it was all a good thing. Blah, blah, blah...bull shit!

Many things were far from good. How I grew up as a child and then young adult was not normal, healthy or even morally right. Where did I end up with this wonderful story about it all? Who cooked this up? (I know that I did, but am trying to figure out why...)

Now if you are wondering or worried , I am not about to verbally vomit my past on you all, as I hate it when others do that crap to me. There are alot of things I am better off not knowing about my friends, about people I care about, those that I love or even the guys I casually know. I do not think the answers to life problems come from "talking about it all" or "sharing our hearts" or all the other nonsense crap that this weak version of manhood and emasculating drivel has tried to coax into our lexicon and practice as men. I am all for some honesty and bearing each others burdens, but you know what? There's alot of stuff that you all just need to keep to yourself, and the same goes for me too! I believe that some things are just to be taken to the grave with us. No other comment needed.,

But...

I am starting to see that there are some things that I do need to process out loud with a trusted and respected friend. Feed back from another persons perspective is a powerful thing and tends to cut through the pattern of lies and thoughts that we tell ourselves to cope with all the stuff that just that builds up inside of us,all through the years. It is not that I forgot about my childhood, or suppressed some memory of it and all the events, it's just that I never thought of it at all, except to summon stories about the stuff I liked, or color beautiful the less than savory aspects of it all.

Suffice it to say, this still isn't easy to write right now, but I hope by winging it and getting some words out here without a filter or self-editing that I am making a bit of sense. I guess maybe sometimes I say more by what I leave out than what I include?

If that is the case, please read all the words I did not type.

Crap...I am going to go smoke, come back here and start all over, or keep going, or something like that.