Q. and A.

A friend had some questions posed for a group of friends so I thought I would share the questions and my answers here today...




1: Have you ever told your pastor/congregation about the fact you are gay and how did he/they respond?


Yes. This was the one of the initial things I talked to my head pastor and personal pastor about when I visited my church for the first time, even prior to salvation. I was invited by a girl who met me at a coffee shop and was witnessing to me (long story) and I started going to church with her to listen and try to figure what this was all about.

And by “this” I mean faith and the gospel. I have never hidden anything in my life so I simply let them know I was a gay guy and would my boyfriend be welcome at church with me?

Tim and Shayne both welcomed Kyle and I and simply told us to listen and be open to what we heard and how it affected us, ask any questions we have and see what happens. They were wise enough to not condemn two unbelieving gay guys and honestly opened their doors to us when we were seeking truth. They knew that the truth of the Bible and working of the Holy Spirit would convict us in the areas we needed change in, but also understood that nothing mattered at first except where we stood with Jesus Christ.

Suffice it to say, this was the first time in my life I had been welcomed into a church as a real person and loved by anyone in any type of spiritual organization. They lived Jesus to me, and that made all the difference. The other churches I had grown up in just kicked me out and told me I was going to hell, right at the time in my life when I most needed some help. After that happened in high school, I never went back to a church till after I got out of the Navy, but that is a story for another day…


2: What are two or three things you wish your pastor/congregation understood about the gay people in your church?

We have many diverse and different people in our church, but even with all the understanding and other places in life we have come from, there is still always room for improvement. There are many other guys who are struggling with SSA, or who are gay and all the other areas on the spectrum, so I am not alone or treated oddly because of my past and present. But a few things I wish I could relate to them all are:

1. Please do not define me by my struggle. I do not want to be known as another “gay guy” at church. I never let my orientation and struggle define me before I met God; it was simply a facet of my personality, like the color of my hair, or my last name. It was important to be sure, but not an end to itself.

2. Don’t be afraid to talk to me about my life and how I am doing. Some of the guys still kind of tip toe around the issue, wanting to be a help and truly care about me, but either their discomfort, or a lack of understanding seems to stunt how our friendships develop at first. We all share our different fights and battles and mine are no different from yours, the pro-nouns are just different!

3. Just because I want to be your friend, and genuinely like you does not mean I am sexually attracted to you. If I am attracted to you, I am going to tell you, and we will deal with it then. I have to have honesty to have a friend, and when I am dealing with this kind of stuff, I can’t hide how I feel and expect to be healthy.

4. At times all the church activities are geared towards families, married people, dating couples and people at different places than my life status. This can hurt at times and make me feel an outsider in the very place I need to be loved. Think of things way “outside of the box” and consider how guys and girls like me feel and find ways to include us, not exclude us, simply by not thinking.

5. Do not assume that some guy who comes to church with me is my boyfriend or that we are sexually involved simply due to my nature. This goes for my close friends at church too. I can have friends too! But on the flip side, ask me questions, it keeps me safe and sheds light into areas that sometimes are easier to keep dark and vague.

6. My identity and struggle are wrapped around each other in my head. I literally “am” my sin, or at least that is how I feel at times, so when you condemn harshly or thoughtlessly comment on stuff, I feel you are hating at me. The other reaction is just ignoring the topic all together. This makes me feel invisible and unwanted.

7. There are always going to be many different opinions about SSA, homosexuality and all the issues around it, but please respect others beliefs and don’t try to “fix” or “change” anyone. Let God do that. Truth always prevails. I am not anyone’s project or cause.

8. Just love me. I am human too, and no, I don’t want your kids!

3: What could your pastor/congregation do to help you in your walk with Christ? (Especially in regards to understanding God's forgiveness)

1. Ask me how I am doing, and not just politely…and then LISTEN to what I say. I make a great effort to understand all these hetero people, even though I cannot identify with them in so many ways. We have completely different lives, but we have much we can learn from each other. Please show me the same respect.

2. Do not ask me a question you do not want the answer to, because I will answer it.

3. If I need your opinion I will ask for it. When I ask a question, I am looking for what God says in the Bible, not something you think, maybe, sort of, kind of know, heard once, stole from a book...and on and on. When your words match His words and His heart...I will believe you!

4. I can smell patronization from a mile away. And yes, I can see your face, when you react to things, you are not invisible. Just be real, even when it hurts.

5. Talk to me, not at me.

6. If God forgave you, then He forgave me too! God's forgiveness of me is not dependent on YOUR approval! Sin is simply sin. Don’t make me out to be some kind of weird freak because I like guys and this country has serious hang ups with human sexuality.

7. I will never live out a belief that I truly do not comprehend or understand. What this means is my external actions will match my internal convictions. If these are not up to par with your thoughts and ideas, please let God work on me about it. The last thing I need is you trying to imitate the Holy Spirit.

8. Just be yourself. That is what I am doing.

9. Please do not ignore me or act like I never told you the truth. I listen to your problems. Friendship and community are not one way streets.

10. Never, ever, ever, try to set me up on a date with a girl. That is fair to no one and will hurt me and make me upset. A girl cannot fix my problem.



4: Have you told your parents about the fact that you are gay? If not, why not? (I ask this because most of the time pastors deal with homosexuality only when a parent tells them about their kid who has just "come out of the closet." So this is a big issue in the ministry)

I grew up gay, so this is a moot point. I never came “out”, because I was never “in”. I came home from school in 6th grade and let my parents know I liked Erek. We just went from there. They have been with me and loved me every step of the way.

Even when I did not believe in God, I was still their son. This has never come between us, though it was not always easy. Why do people not communicate about the truth? Is living a lie any easier? That is not a condemnation, simply an observation. I am not saying that my parents were thrilled to have a son who liked boys, but we opened a dialogue that has lasted till today.

I will never forget overhearing my dad tell a friend of his that “I love my gay son”. I am sure that was not easy for him, nor having me as a son was ever simple, but love conquers all. They were always a picture to me of what Jesus must be like and always pointed me to God.

My mom and I have always been close and she is the one who has walked me through the heart aches and giddy feelings that all relationships have. I owe her so much. Love you Mom and Dad!

5: If you told your parents, how did they respond?

I still remember my mom’s words when I told her I liked a boy. “We will see…” and “We need to talk to your dad when he gets home…”

My dad was a bit confused at first till I let him know that I liked Erek the way my brother liked his girlfriend. Then he got it. He went out of his way to teach me and affirm me as a man. I learned everything he could put into my life. He was determined that I not be a "sissy" (his word) and it may have been easier for him, since I did like sports, and the outdoors, cars, hunting, fishing, camping all the stereotypical "guy stuff". He never understood my softer side and all the cooking, fashion, writing, music and botany. But...he loves me very much and I thank God everyday that he gave me to them.

We have simply taken it one moment at time. The guys I dated were always welcome in our family, because my parents would rather have me near than outcast and away. I think their treatment of me was wise. They let me be myself, but never apologized for the truth of what they believed either.

They want me to be happy, how ever I define that, but they also want me to follow God. This is a journey that is described, found, and lived one small piece at a time, one day at a time.


I have never heard and or seen such tears of joy and relief the day that I called them and told them I had found Jesus. We are now walking the same road together from different places back to home.

DRH