How many times?

This song came on today as I drove into the city, slipping past my ears and down into my heart, where it settled down heavily and curled around my soul. The last few months my music has been a collection of old and new music while my worship music and time in the car has slowly wasted away. I was not consciously cutting it out of my life, but instead was choosing new anthems to celebrate all the changes and choices in my life.

Some when in there I stopped singing about HIM and started singing about "him". I stopped dancing for HIM and started dancing for "me".

I was sick again today, another bout in a long line of harsh days following dark nights of less sleep and rest. All of this is taking a toll on my health and manner and I am finding that my body is slowly wasting away, almost in a picture of how my spiritual health has been. I am neglecting too many good things, and living and diving into all that I have left so many times before. I am not eating right. I am not sleeping right. I am not right.

So confused and clear at the same time. It is like looking at the exit ramp and driving right by it, again and again and again. How to change lanes and break the death grip I have on the steering wheel. Steer me, God!

Lately I have felt an impostor at church, someone not meant to be there, who soon will be asked to leave, even as I sit there and try to listen. Those unconnected to me, simply walk on by and see what I want them to, while something in me is reaching out for more accountability and friendship. I am near, but not with. Loved but not cared for. Talked to but not asked. Lonely in a pack.

I must choose.

I must reach out.

Or this is going to kill me, in time.