Worried...just a bit.

You know, I had a really good day today. Simple...slept in (day off) and just puttered around at my own pace. Cleaned house a bit, worked out, got my run in, showered, coffee...the usual things that I don't always have quiet enough time for. Was actually able to sit down for a bit and read, listen to some new music (thanks Chad for the burns) and just generally make some time for myself without all the distractions and thoughts of others.

Tonight was great too. Had a big dinner at church(something we do every Third Thursday) and met some new people and spent time with old friends as well. The food was awesome, as usual, and I found myself eating dinner with strangers, well, at least people I did not know yet. I made it a point tonight to go sit in the big open space, instead of the comfort zone of my circle of friends and then interact and introduce myself to those who joined me.

I guess I looked rather friendly and non-threatening, because my "L" of tables filled up rather quickly and talk ensued. The strange thing is, I found myself kind of flanked on 3 sides by girls, females, what ever the right word is for those certainly different and somewhat strange creatures. First observation, they ask so many questions! And by so many, I mean, they never stop asking questions, not even when you ask them questions back. Talking to a girl is quite a work out I guess, cause their minds think so differently? They kind of establish a base line of reference to measure you, and then go in and out with the verbal jabs, probing for more information and content.

Guys do not do this.

We just talk, or listen, depends on our mood.

So yeah, verbal sparring or something. I think I held my own well, simply by emulating their patterns and turning the line of questioning back on them. This worked for a bit, until they seemed to grow restless answering my questions about them, so they quickly pounced on the next male target that their sights acquired. Poor guy...but he seemed to love the attention so, more power to them!

Second observation, they are always making eye contact...like too much...and they tend to touch the people they are talking to. What is that all about? I do remember the stuff they said and the questions they asked, but just not sure how to rate or quantify that experience. I do not know much about them (females) so I'll just kind of leave all that alone.

That was an odd part of my day.

The second weird thing, that I alluded to in the title of this post was about being worried. And this is what worries me. I spend time reading other guys blogs and they have a multitude of words and thoughts. I mean, they think much deeper about so many things than I do. Now I count myself of okay intelligence, quite brilliant in some areas actually, but when it comes to things spiritual and political, I find myself aghast at the depths these guys delve.

My brain doesn't even work like that...ever.

I cannot even figure out what head space makes people think and reason like that about things.

I do not want my brain to work like that either.


But...



am I an idiot?

I had this experience once where suddenly I was struck by the fact that I was retarded, literally. I mean, hell, it made sense. Everyone liked me and was always really nice to me. They tended to make time for everything I wanted to do. I always had a different set of rules than the other kids, and the world seemed to step aside for me. That, countered with the fact that people kept telling my I was special and there seemed some confusion on what to do with me in school, led me to the conclusion that I, Daemon, was disabled, retarded, whatever the PC word is I am supposed to be using there.

So, being the resourceful guy I am, I confronted my Dad and Mom about it. (Just like I confronted them about being adopted that one time...or having a twin brother...long stories both) And what did they say...No...they protested! You are just smart in your own way...blah, blah, blah..used the word special, expressed concern that I would feel that way, asked questions about who told me that. In short...


...all of the things you would say to a retarded kid to reassure him that he was "fine" and "okay" and "special" and that there was "nothing wrong with you" and "God made you very unique".

Well crap! It ended up backfiring and becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy to me, that I battle at times to this day. While I do have my deficits in neuro-cognitive development and know that I am not neuro-typical, something inside of me realizes that I do have some intelligence and a large mastery of knowledge, coupled with a small portion of wisdom. That being said...there are just times when I fell retarded all over again.

Sometimes it is about life, or matters of faith, girls, boys, money, friends, all of these things make me feel less than my peers at times. After reading these other peoples thoughts tonight...I am worried again.

What is wrong with me?