Helpless and Free!

What an eventful day! Woke up early this morning, after planning on sleeping in, and started out on a journey that ended back here at home just a few short moments ago. Church this morning, then lunch with friends and time to talk about what has been going on in our lives. So many changes for the good and the bad.

Did a bit of shopping in the afternoon for myself(since today is now my birthday) then headed home for dinner and celebration of birthday's (Mom and mine) with cake, candles, football, parents and siblings. It was good to have us all together again. I so treasure them.

I then had to leave early to get to church again tonight and was troubled when I heard what the message would be on tonight. Deliverance.

Lately I have been very fragile internally and emotionally. Little things have been setting me off and I am not an easy person to break down. I was telling my Mom that lately I have had this weird, hollow feeling deep inside of me. It is literally a scooped out, empty physical feeling and I have been a bit concerned for my health, since I have dropped so much weight in the last two months.

So feeling that way, I settled back and listened. Somewhere in the middle of it all, I pulled out my little black book that I use as a day planner, opened it up to a blank page and started writing. Now, mind you, this isn't my journal. I had already filled four pages there today, accidentally left it at church in the pew, beat a retreat back to retrieve it (whew) and then set it aside.

I started writing names.

First and last names.

Of every single guy I have dated or been with physically in my entire life. From long term relationships, casual flings and even pre-adolescent experimentation.

I could not stop.

I did not know why I was doing this.

Stuck I was between two good friends who couldn't help but notice and wonder what was going on.

I wasn't emotionally distraught, simply putting down information on paper.

Finally I was done.

I put away the book, but removed those pages, took them down to the altar and gave those guys and my past to God and walked away.

We decided to eat dinner at Stephen's loft downtown so I followed him there and while parking my little car got stuck in the ice and snow. Now, I have driven in all the ice storms and snow storms the last few weeks and never had a problem, but not, on a plowed street, my little car decides that it is stuck and nothing, I mean nothing we could do would free him.

This just broke me and I over reacted in anger, sadness, confusion and fear. Stephen finally convinced me to come inside, give up on it a bit and eat dinner. So up we went and spent some time just sharing life and enjoying each others company. It really looked like I would have to spend the night and wouldn't be home for my birthday and all the things I had planned on my day off. Stephen has a 4x4 pick up and chains, but the angle of the street combined with how low the car sits made that solution impossible.

I was trapped by almost nothing at all.

Helpless.

No help and no way to get out. Cars in front and behind me.

Trapped.

But God...

We decided to pray that God would move the cars around me so that I could simply drive off, so I put my gear on and we took the elevator down...


The only car trapping me in had been moved. It was gone!

Needless to say I came unglued and was whooping and hollering all over downtown at 11 pm at night!

Now you may ask yourself...why the silly story Daemon? It was not that big a deal! Ahhhh..but that is where you are wrong!

My little car being stuck was a perfect picture of where I have been at in life spiritually these last few months. After meeting God and living for him for three years, overcoming all kinds of insurmountable obstacles and hopeless situations with His grace and mercy...I got stuck.

And that helpless feeling of not being able to do anything about it is the worst feeling in the world. I have been abandoned before. I have been the victim of violent crime. People have used and abused me in the past.

But none of that compares to simply being helpless and unable to move. Not forward, not backward...just stuck. No where to go, nothing.

But God...

I think I got unstuck tonight. I am handing my past to God again. Letting go of all the names and faces and simply stopping and asking Him to please, please help me to get out. Please move the things in my way. And only when I come to the end of myself and simply stop trying so hard and fighting it all, He steps in and makes a way out.

I am helpless...

And free!

Daddy...I would like to come home please...your loving son,

Daemon