Military Buds getting bored...

This was sent to me by a friend deployed in Afghanistan with his unit. I think someone got seriously bored one day, but am loving the results!

This made me laugh so hard!

Hope you all get a kick out of it and remember our troops, our brothers, our fathers, our partners and our friends who are currently serving so far from home. You are not forgotten guys. I miss you every day!

Weekend...finally!

Well, is is Friday night and I finally have my feet up and a chance to put a few words down after a whirlwind of a week! Today was nutz with work and getting so many changes done, but am glad to be that much closer to the goal of completing all those projects on Sunday night. For now, I am taking a break!

Hung out with the guys after work for a bit and then over to Michael's to get ready for tomorrow. Chris and his partner are having an open house for the Annual Art Fest in Brookside and we are invited. Chris is his best friend, btw. Looks to be a great day of art, wandering, good friends and food, live music and time well spent. I am so ready to just take it easy for a bit and enjoy me some Spring! Not that I don't do that a bit everyday.

Before I head over there in the morning I have a big luncheon with my parents for an National organization we belong to, based on family lineage. I am excited to see what new developments are on the horizon as I hear rumor that I might be elected to a place on the board or local government. My dad is the current Historian and Governor, so maybe I might get something good and an opportunity to get more involved and serve. I would so love the travel the East Coast and Europe representing us and the Society! Woot, woot! :)

So yeah, I am seriously tired, Worked out, got cleaned up and going to sit outside a bit and consider the sky for a moment or two. Not a huge amount of thoughts in my head tonight, which is actually kind of nice. Michael worked from home today and Fallon is being such a good girl. We are gonna need our rest, as tomorrow is going to be AWESOME!

Later this week, I will be ready to start sharing some of the things that I learned on the Mens Retreat, as well as bringing myself up to speed on where my life is at and how I feel about it all. Right now, just kind of tired and horny and need to get some sleepageness. Such a good and blessed life! I am truly rich and thankful for it all.

Peace

The sun is Good!

Wow...it is amazing what a run, working out and washing the car can do for me and how I feel. The sun is out, the Spring breeze is blowing and Chris Tomlin is streaming into my head via Pandora and my Blackberry.

Getting ready to head down to the Nelson Art Gallery lawn to lay in the sun and fly mah kite! :)

Today is going to be simple. Good food, excellent coffee, clean water and some time spent thinking about all that is whirling in my head and heart. I find myself in an unbelievable place wondering what have I ever done to deserve so much goodness.

Coming into the prime of my life, with years of experience, education and travel behind me...it is here that God found me and is starting to call my name in a still, small voice. I am reminded of Samuel, how he heard his name and kept thinking it was the person in his life calling him. Eli finally discerned what was happening and challenged him to answer, "Speak Lord, for thy servant hears..."

This is my prayer for today. I have carved out a block of time to wait in stillness and listen. To contemplate the blue sky and life and perk my ears to what may come. What does HE want for me? What is the purpose of all this blessing? How best to use this body, resources and talents for HIS glory and not my own gain, as I have been doing these past years.

It SHOULD be all about him. In this place of pain and struggle He is calling to me.

"Daemon?"

"Daemon?"

"Daemon..."






I am all ears, even if but for a moment in this crazy, frenetic life that I call my own. This boy is looking up today...

My life: Sex on the Brain

Literally just woke up and I am trying to harness and capture these thoughts that flit through my head as my brain boots up for another day. My body feels much better after some sleep, though I do have some odd crick in my neck. Strange dreams of past friends, being trapped with no transportation, bloody feet and someones car trapped in the attic of a house. A partner from the past and his new beau and trying to install old iron work on a new fence. Singing and patios, people of note and community discussing me as if I was not there. Odd...I know!

But enough of that. It is a new day!

So yesterday was a washout. Worked all day, came home, cooked dinner and then kind of was left to my own devices and what did I turn to? Some body work, which was good and healthy and then it all devolved into some bizarre self-gratification routine of entertainment and sex. I once heard that who you are, when you are alone, is who you are. That sentiment kind of bites because when I am alone, all too often my mind dwells on my body and what it wants. I think I am addicted to sex, but that really is not new news to me. Since I first became active at a young age, I have continually sought out experiences and used sex as a part of my normative life and also as entertainment and currency in friendship.

In fact, something I realized once it was pointed out by a friend at the retreat in his life, is that I go through life looking at every single male I see and meet through a filter of possible mating. Meaning, each guy I am attracted to, I size up as a possible mate or experience. It is like those silly seagulls in "Finding Nemo". They continually utter the words, "Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine?" at everything that moves.

He pointed this out as something in his own life about the females he meets, but it rings true in my life as well. All too often I have sexualized friendships and it now has a firm grasp in my thought patterns. I live out the stereotype as a guy obsessed by sex, even when I am in a committed relationship. I do not think this is healthy or right, regardless of what society says acceptable male behavior might be. I can try to spin it any way I please, but it still comes down to being over-sexualized and fixated on just a fractional, though important, part of life.

So what am I going to do now? How does one go about breaking the cycle of sex? I know that I am chemically addicted to the things my body experiences in a sexual encounter, but what about the emotional needs and problems that exist? How do I dig deeper, past the surface issues and discover what is truly motivating this behavior which I seem to have accepted into my life? What am I really looking for except a place to park my penis. What is my heart hungry for that I am trying to feed with skin and contact? What void is my life that I keep trying to fill with another guy?

I have a list of all the guys I have had sex with and one day a friend asked to see it. He was not reading names, so you don't have to worry about that, but he was getting a perspective of the numbers involved in my life story. Now, I have had a few long term relationship measured in years, not months that have filled much of the time in my life, but the gaps in time before, between and after those shared years are full of different partners and friends that I decided to have a physical relationship with. I never really considered myself a man whore and thought I was pretty normal when it came to the number of partners I have had. I mean, I don't sleep with everything that moves and also am very picky about who I chose to share my body and heart with.

That being said...he was shocked by my number and brought it to my attention.

Has much of my life been about the pursuit of love, relationship with guys and sex? How has this desire shaped my decisions. How have my actions warped my perception? Do I objectify guys the same way str8 guys turn girls into disposable objects? Have I justified my behavior to myself and others due to the fact that I also have had deep committed relationships along the way?

All of this is on my mind as I start a new day under the sun. The longest sessions we had at the Men's Retreat actually were about sex. We had married guys with kids, newly married guys, divorced guys,engaged guys, single guys, str8 guys, bi guys and gays like me. For hours on Saturday we gathered and had some awesome teaching from David and frank open discussions about sex and the part it plays in our lives. This was not some perverse discussion with sordid details but rather an open forum with boundaries to contemplate, question and search for answers about how sex plays a natural and healthy part in our lives WHEN it follows the patterns and guidelines of our faith.

My sex in my life has not followed any pattern of faith or practice except the idea that I need it, I need more of it, I cannot live with out it, who can I do it with, can we do it again?

I do not think this honors God or others.

I am going to stop writing now about that. It is getting too personal and raw, even for me! I have the day off. I am going to run, work out, clean up, eat, wash the car and find something constructive to do with my time. I need to call Michael and figure out what we are doing this week. I have really missed him and its only been a weekend! Wow, it has only been a few days and it feels like weeks!

I wonder what a day without any sexual activity would be like? I cannot remember a day in my life that I have not either had sex, with myself or someone else. I question if I could actually do that? Do I even want to try? What would be the point? I am looking for some answers here...

My apologies to any of my readers who are offended by this post, or anything I might have said or implied, BUT I am writing this about MY life and am trying to think out loud in an honest manner to attempt to find some insight and answers on the things that I face on a daily basis. I do not seek to tempt, inflame or cause any one to stumble and am careful in MY own way to keep it clean and straightforward. If this causes any problems, I am sincerely sorry you feel that way, but I cannot be less than honest with myself here.

Peace.

Staying up late...

So it is Monday night (technically Tuesday morning) and I am in the middle of watching Fight Club, but have it paused for a moment and still I am awake with my mind buzzing. Not sure what my body is up too, but spent way too much time surfing porn and jacking off. Enough times to feel sore and awake all at the same time. Guess it is kind of some tension that needed to be blown off. I think I have got off 4 times today already? Is this some kind of problem? It has been the story of my life since I was in grade school though.

I ran after work, and worked out, spent some time stretching and have been way too conscious of my body all day today. I just have seem to have this raw pent up energy after the weekend in the woods that will not be spent or placated. All too often I am this way, but enough of that. It merely sets the stage for my mood and mind right now. I always did think that Brad Pitt was a stone cold fox in this flick.

This weekends retreat was amazing. I am not even ready to start sharing all that I learned, the friends that I made and the relationships and discussions that were started and had. Suffice it to say, I know I have some good friends around me who will be loving on me and supporting me in a healthy Christian way. As I come to grips with it all I will try to get some details out here, but much of it is hard to fully process and grasp this close to it all.

Up way too late, can't sleep, too much sexual tension and can not seem to tire my body out, no matter what I do. I think I might watch the rest of the movie and then try to sleep for a few hours. None of this prolly makes sense, but I felt like I had to start a post in order to move in that direction later today.

More news later on the Mens Retreat and on being over sexed, over worked, over tired and under sleeped. Peace,

Daemon

The art of being me...

Woke up this morning in rare form to the sounds of enormous thunder and lightening! Not such an auspicious sign for the weekend, but it looks like the storms have passed at the moment. Checked out the forecast for our camping area and it looks to be a bit better than predicted! I am slowly gathering my thoughts and assembling all the things that I may need over the course of the next three days. Hopefully David will find a ride, as I will be unable to taxi him around and I also know that I need these driving times to myself. I cannot bear the thought of sharing my solitude with him at the moment and in a different, though good mood.

What to make of this life at the moment? I threw up some art that I enjoy by an amazing designer from earlier last century. His images of males and clothing have always brought a smile to this boys face and I encourage you to check out his work. He certainly captured an era of style and grace that I would have loved to lived in.

My odd title today just kind of popped into my head, like they always do, and it certainly has me puzzled at the moment. What is my nature and what is the "art" of being Daemon mean to me? I love my style, my mind, my passions, all of these observable and contrary things that assemble themselves into myself and how I present and am perceived by others. Ephemeral and esoteric to be sure, but not cryptic to myself and the space I inhabit inside of this body I call my own.

The art of being Daemon means, never being at a loss for words, a quick smile, a quirky ensemble of activities and strange grace that seems to follow me, even at my worst moments. I love this life I have and greet each day with the hope and comfort of knowing that I get to do it all over again! I love being me!

Music and words...these things I place together into some semblance of a picture, but each person I meet, even those that know me well, always feel in some way that they are meeting me once again for the first time. It is not that I change so much daily, but merely that I offer yet another facet to the light, seeking for acceptance, hoping for love and longing to be seen and known for who I truly am. While we all fall back at times on patterns of behavior, I seem to start each day at another jumping off point that seems to baffle and confuse those new in my life.

If you can imagine a little kid, living the best imitation of himself, with all the responsibilities neatly tucked away, all his shit in order, but with some carelessness and silliness always present, than you would have a good picture of me, I guess? It is not always so easy to aim that narrow and fine beam of perception of life at myself and not come away with a different reflection at least every five minutes or so. It is not that I defy description, but merely that I don't think about it all that much.

I see myself as a small person, though my frame and stature belie that notion. I sometimes forget this and pick people up when I hug them, and never quite understand how this startles them so? I guess the body that others see me in, does not fit the mental construct of how I perceive myself. All the talents and skills that I take for granted, almost as inconsequential as my eye color, seem to entrance and entertain others. How have those people NOT managed to make their lives as diverse and well rounded as myself? How can one not be interesting even to oneself? How on earth do people ever find themselves in a place of boredom when there is a whole mind, world and other people to explore? That baffles me.

Make your life rich. Seize each moment. Live in high gear but pause and reflect when needed. All kinds of thoughts are bouncing around in my head, but I feel the need to shower and shave before this day truly starts. The air outside smells fresh, the windows are thrown open to a sweet spring rain and everywhere I look I see lush, verdant green. It is going to be a great weekend!

So the art of being me? It changes moment by moment. I am always entranced by that guy I see in the mirror. Not in some Narcissus slant or angle, but more of a questing hopefulness that that guy there will like me, tell me it's all okay again and that this amazing journey will never cease. He changes with time, like we all do, but he keeps smiling. Those eyes have greeted each day for all these years and have never lost their twinkle or spark. He loves. I love.

And that is what makes this life expansive, rich, varied, bright and joyous.

What life picture are you painting?

Make your life beautiful!

Much on my mind...

Today has been an eventful and unusual day to say the least. The main plan was to take it easy, get packed for the Man Trip and then rock out with Hillsong United tonight at Starlight Theater.

And then rain happened! NOT just a few showers, but a solid downpour of solid thunderstorms ALL DAY LONG!

Needless to say, the concert was at an outdoor venue and the water was pouring down the stairs like rivers and there was NO shelter whatsoever, and umbrellas in the performance were strictly verboten. I was sooooo excited about this night, ever since my friend introduced me to their music and I started buying their CD's.

Long story short, after a lot of waiting at the coffee shop, some serious misery, getting to skip the line at the gate, I decided that I was going home.

It totally sucked donkey dick.

I cannot afford to get sick before this retreat with the guys. I cannot say I was enthused about being in a downpour that would interrupt the concert all night and no hope of relief and enjoying myself. This made me sad, but I am sure I will travel somewhere and catch their show soon, IN AN INDOOR VENUE! Why was this not scheduled at our awesome new Sprint Arena, or the new Performing Center out East? This choice of venue made NO SENSE to me!

Okay, now that it is out of my system, I can put my feet up and prepare myself for this coming weekend. I am still pretty hopped up and happy about this whole camping trip and wondering what it is going to be like with all the guys from my church. (FYI: I rented a cabin due to understanding April weather patterns, UNLIKE concert planners who shall remain nameless!) Though they are now calling for huge storms and are having tornadoes in the area of Kansas I will be at, I am still going forward with this trip. Something is going to happen. I can just tell. It is that anticipation and waiting, that knowing that God is going to break something loose, or teach me something or I am going to share and meet with people who will impact my life in these coming years in an even deeper way.

So yeah, I am pretty pumped. Kind of wondering how it is all going to go down, as I am the only "out" guy at my church. I never make my orientation a point of interest, but I also do not hide my relationship to community and friends either. This will be an interesting exercise in communication and understanding on all our parts, as we are going to be having some discussions, teaching sessions and hosted conversations that will certainly touch on masculinity, sexuality and relational living with our brothers in Christ.

So yeah, I am also kind of nervous. How am I more masculine than so many of my urban hipster chic metro-sexual buds? I mean c'mon...these guys are str8, some are married and kidded and still are these soft, sensitive, pretty folk...lol I'll get over myself I guess. There is something for me here and I need to open my eyes, ears and heart to all the differentness what we each bring to the circle. Bonfires... oh yeah! Australian football with REAL Australians! YES! I have a feeling there is going to be a lot of mud involved this weekend, many clothing and shoe changes and multiple showers...lol

I need to get my heart in the right place and get some face time in with God before I head out, cause I am still pretty scattered and scared all over the place. Oh, need to call Michael too. He is not real thrilled that I will be gone for 3 days, out in the wilderness with a bunch of dudes who are certainly not unattractive. So many little questions from him, and yep, I am going to miss the guy something silly. But I NEED this time to work on ME. How can I be right and do right by him if I am not in line with Him?

Hmmm...this is really turning into some kind of rambling crap story, so I am just going to shut up and come back later tonight when I have me thoughts in order. Ciao for now!

You make my dreams come true!

We watched this the other night...such a great movie! Check it out and enjoy it with your main squeeze! :)

UP and AT 'em!

Wowser! I woke up seriously early today, but that may be due to the fact that for the first time in a few years I crashed into bed before midnight last evening. I was freakin' bush whacked. Yesterday was an amazing day and spent with good friends and my favorite person of all...ME!

Now I know that may sound strange, but the last few months I have been re-connecting with myself in a strange but beautiful way. I have always loved my own company, though I am also very much a social animal. I guess what is happening is that, as the cares of life and the strenuous schedule melts away from my structured living for a season, I have the time and space to re-discover who I truly and and all the little things that I have always loved about myself and forgot. I LOVE being me!

Anyway, before I ramble off into some weird, narcissistic diatribe and rabbit trail, let me tell ya about my day. Woke up and got all of my stuff done around the house. Cooked an awesome breakie and wolfed it down after my run and work out. I am loving this Spring weather. Everything in the gardens and landscapes are coming up so nicely! (I have a big green thumb and seriously love my botanical friends, anyway...)

Packed my little day bag, after checking in with friends and headed out into the city to just explore like I used to. It has been too long since I rambled far and wide, just in search of whatever adventure may come. Got called by Geoff and met him for some grub and then ended up at the Nelson Art Museum, playing on that huge lawn. I will post some pics eventually that I took, but am too lazy at the moment. Flew my kite for a couple of hours, listening all the while to Toad the Wet Sprocket, Dresden Dolls and my new fave band, Hillsong United! (shout out to Mathieu for turning me on to this amazing music, can't wait for the concert!)

As the sun dropped in the sky, I met some cool people from the KC Art Institute and was invited over to their place on the green to hang out and play. GOD! It has been sooooo long since I just played outside. Remember what that was like? Throwing Frisbee, playing hacky-sack, teasing the girls, running around like a holy terror, racing each other, chucking a football around and just generally celebrating life in a mix of sound, sunlight and smiles.

Wow...

So good and yeah, I have some new friends. I have always met good people there. Got invited to a party, but was seriously tired, so I packed up, exchanged hugs, hits, smiles and info and headed back home, where I hosed off and hit the sack.

That was my day...with no regrets. Hope all is well with you all. I am just getting ready to slug some java, rinse the bod off and head out into the world to do it all over again. 'Cept of course today I will be working...lol

Hmm...yep...that's it! Peace.

Long ass day!

Up late tonight after a long and productive day. Woke up early, got my coffee going and bounced out the door two hours early for church. Swung by my coffee shop and grabbed my usual, as well as some pastries and headed out to the back patio. After a bit of solitude, friends from church showed up and we all hung out before service. It was strange to be surrounded by people I knew and all of their children in a space that usually I haunt alone, or with solitary friends of like minds.

Headed over to church and listened to a guest speaker from Yale state simply that he did not believe the Bible was literal, and that in the parable he spoke on, that it was simply the Jewish retelling of an ancient fable meant to combat social injustice and class warfare. I kind of think that is a bunch of crap, but then what do I know?

Got called into work for a few hours and held down the fort while my boss checked in on different locations in the district and when he returned I headed back into the sunshine and over to Michael's to see what was up with the yard project. Pulled in and was greeted by a sweaty, shirtless guy who was digging around in the dirt, laying stone for a raised rose bed. I am sorry, but that was just damn sexy!

Ended up getting the entire wall laid today, all the sod transplanted and the hybrid tea roses are going to be freakin' awesome! We got cleaned up after working for about 6 hours and went for a long drive around the city before settling at Sharps to eat dinner and relax. Swung by and got some ice cream and sat on a bench just being silly and talking about strangers. Headed back and hung out a bit then came home and have spent some time catching up with friends before becoming embroiled in a talk about faith with a buddy.

I guess I am frustrated right now because I often lack the understanding or language that I need to express myself correctly and accurately to others. I also am saddened by the fact that many times I cannot understand people either. Our definitions are different, or speech is skewed when it should intersect. Why is it so hard to connect on matters of life, reality and faith with others who are coming from other worlds and spaces? I get angered at the futility of the word handles we use to carry around the concepts, ideas and beliefs that reside in our heads and hearts. The noises we make are such a crude and feeble way at attempting to know and be known. I hope that in my earnestness and rudimentary way that I communicate, that I do not offend or dampen others sensibilities or spirits. All to often, I am the only one who knows what I am talking about.

I go to bed body weary, heart sick, mind sore and a bit anxious tonight. The weekend was amazing and I will not let my own ineptitude counter the phenomenal time I have shared with family, loved ones, Michael and friends these last three days.

Sleep in peace.

Sunday Funday!

Waking up to a new day here. Caught up on some emails with friends who have kind of slipped away over the winter and generally just waking up. Neck is still a bit sore, but all in all, appears to be a nice day. Going to be up to 68, blue skies and top down weather. Now I just hope I do not get called into work, like yesterday....ugh! I would prefer to go to church and hang out with friends.

Crap, just realized I need to pay for my cabin today for the Men's Retreat! Got the money in my pocket, just hope I have time to swing by J-Dub and drop it off. (Jacobs Well, my church...lol)

So kind of feeling chipper and odd this morning. After work yesterday, grabbed some grub and ran by Michael's for a movie and yard work. He wants some landscaping done, so we started taking some measurements, sketching designs and planning a budget and time frame. It is going to be a large project, but we can break it up into several phases. Having a brother who is in commercial construction, concrete and earth work is going to help a lot! I think that might be a gift to him, having Brian come over the some equipment and a crew to do the filling, grading and hard scape. We shall see, it all depends on what he wants and how much of it we want to do ourselves. I look forward to working on this together. It is soothing and healthy for us.

Got to talk to David, my life coach and friend on Friday morning and it was good to get some fresh eyes on my life and feedback on current choices and plans. He is always so good at dissecting my words from my actions and offering solutions, choices and counterpoints to my somewhat simplistically complex manner of adapting to life. I struggle so hard to be present all the time, but am learning some easy steps to start living in the moment, face forward and not so much in my head, past and future all the time. I want to starting becoming more of a human BEing and less of a human DOing. :)

Brb...got to take a leak...ahhh, much better. Got the coffee started, starting to feel like a person again!

Where was I? Oh yeah, life is going well. Got all my stuff and paperwork in order for culinary school this fall. Starting to get excited about it. Such a change and shift from the life I have lived these past 3 years since getting out of the Navy. Gonna head back to the classroom and into the kitchen to see if my passion meets my present. If anything, I am ready to learn something new and find out what truly pursuing this dream looks like and feels like. If it doesn't pan as supposed, I have at least learned some more skills and enjoyed myself along the way. I guess I will find out if this is a dream that fades or something I truly want to pursue. Many feel that this would be a waste of my talents and skills in other areas, but when you have so much to choose from, I think one has to follow ones heart, not ones skill set and brain power. I want to do what I love, just am simply making space to find what I love.

Welp, that's about all that is in my head at the moment. Time to stretch out, hit the shower and get ready for my day. I guess my schedule will dictate my wardrobe, but when has it not? Uniform of the day is: clothing that will work both worlds. Check! Peace to you all.