My life: Sex on the Brain

Literally just woke up and I am trying to harness and capture these thoughts that flit through my head as my brain boots up for another day. My body feels much better after some sleep, though I do have some odd crick in my neck. Strange dreams of past friends, being trapped with no transportation, bloody feet and someones car trapped in the attic of a house. A partner from the past and his new beau and trying to install old iron work on a new fence. Singing and patios, people of note and community discussing me as if I was not there. Odd...I know!

But enough of that. It is a new day!

So yesterday was a washout. Worked all day, came home, cooked dinner and then kind of was left to my own devices and what did I turn to? Some body work, which was good and healthy and then it all devolved into some bizarre self-gratification routine of entertainment and sex. I once heard that who you are, when you are alone, is who you are. That sentiment kind of bites because when I am alone, all too often my mind dwells on my body and what it wants. I think I am addicted to sex, but that really is not new news to me. Since I first became active at a young age, I have continually sought out experiences and used sex as a part of my normative life and also as entertainment and currency in friendship.

In fact, something I realized once it was pointed out by a friend at the retreat in his life, is that I go through life looking at every single male I see and meet through a filter of possible mating. Meaning, each guy I am attracted to, I size up as a possible mate or experience. It is like those silly seagulls in "Finding Nemo". They continually utter the words, "Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine?" at everything that moves.

He pointed this out as something in his own life about the females he meets, but it rings true in my life as well. All too often I have sexualized friendships and it now has a firm grasp in my thought patterns. I live out the stereotype as a guy obsessed by sex, even when I am in a committed relationship. I do not think this is healthy or right, regardless of what society says acceptable male behavior might be. I can try to spin it any way I please, but it still comes down to being over-sexualized and fixated on just a fractional, though important, part of life.

So what am I going to do now? How does one go about breaking the cycle of sex? I know that I am chemically addicted to the things my body experiences in a sexual encounter, but what about the emotional needs and problems that exist? How do I dig deeper, past the surface issues and discover what is truly motivating this behavior which I seem to have accepted into my life? What am I really looking for except a place to park my penis. What is my heart hungry for that I am trying to feed with skin and contact? What void is my life that I keep trying to fill with another guy?

I have a list of all the guys I have had sex with and one day a friend asked to see it. He was not reading names, so you don't have to worry about that, but he was getting a perspective of the numbers involved in my life story. Now, I have had a few long term relationship measured in years, not months that have filled much of the time in my life, but the gaps in time before, between and after those shared years are full of different partners and friends that I decided to have a physical relationship with. I never really considered myself a man whore and thought I was pretty normal when it came to the number of partners I have had. I mean, I don't sleep with everything that moves and also am very picky about who I chose to share my body and heart with.

That being said...he was shocked by my number and brought it to my attention.

Has much of my life been about the pursuit of love, relationship with guys and sex? How has this desire shaped my decisions. How have my actions warped my perception? Do I objectify guys the same way str8 guys turn girls into disposable objects? Have I justified my behavior to myself and others due to the fact that I also have had deep committed relationships along the way?

All of this is on my mind as I start a new day under the sun. The longest sessions we had at the Men's Retreat actually were about sex. We had married guys with kids, newly married guys, divorced guys,engaged guys, single guys, str8 guys, bi guys and gays like me. For hours on Saturday we gathered and had some awesome teaching from David and frank open discussions about sex and the part it plays in our lives. This was not some perverse discussion with sordid details but rather an open forum with boundaries to contemplate, question and search for answers about how sex plays a natural and healthy part in our lives WHEN it follows the patterns and guidelines of our faith.

My sex in my life has not followed any pattern of faith or practice except the idea that I need it, I need more of it, I cannot live with out it, who can I do it with, can we do it again?

I do not think this honors God or others.

I am going to stop writing now about that. It is getting too personal and raw, even for me! I have the day off. I am going to run, work out, clean up, eat, wash the car and find something constructive to do with my time. I need to call Michael and figure out what we are doing this week. I have really missed him and its only been a weekend! Wow, it has only been a few days and it feels like weeks!

I wonder what a day without any sexual activity would be like? I cannot remember a day in my life that I have not either had sex, with myself or someone else. I question if I could actually do that? Do I even want to try? What would be the point? I am looking for some answers here...

My apologies to any of my readers who are offended by this post, or anything I might have said or implied, BUT I am writing this about MY life and am trying to think out loud in an honest manner to attempt to find some insight and answers on the things that I face on a daily basis. I do not seek to tempt, inflame or cause any one to stumble and am careful in MY own way to keep it clean and straightforward. If this causes any problems, I am sincerely sorry you feel that way, but I cannot be less than honest with myself here.

Peace.