When I Fail?

So yeah...it's Saturday and I am home tonight by choice and somewhat by necessity. Meaning, I still feel like crap and need some time to recover...but I am getting ahead of myself in this story, so I guess I will start at the beginning, or at least where I left off yesterday.

Hmm...left the house yesterday in an awesome mood with a full day of fun and hope ahead of me. The sun was out, the car was clean, life was good!

And then somehow I managed to jack the whole day up, like the fool I am at times!

Let me put it together, once I got into the city, headed down Broadway towards my coffee shop and then realized I was starving something fierce. I didn't want to deal with fast food, but did not want to wait much, so I stopped into Out of Bounds to grab some chicken strips and fries.

Mistake number one.

Out of Bounds belongs to a friend of mine in the community and is a sports bar and restaurant. It is a great place to catch the game and chill with some friends, shoot pool and take it all in. It has a great location on the corner and that whole area of the city has always been near and dear to my heart. I kind of grew up there, so to speak, on Broadway and the whole Plaza, Westport, Midtown, Downtown corridor.

But it is a gay sports bar. Not that I have a problem with that...lol

There is nothing inherently wrong with the place, as it is simply a fun and safe place for all of us guys and girls that actually like sports and want to hang out and catch the games, get some good food and generally have a fun time without dealing with all the crap that goes along with most homophobic sports bars and their crowds. I feel more comfortable there I guess, though I don't mind the straight bars either. But I am rambling...

Went in, friend was tending bar and there were a few guys around that I knew, hanging out. Got to talk to Phillip. Had not seen him for a long time and he is doing good! Got a new earring and really cool tattoo, his first one, of his family crest and seal. Very nice work and it looks good on him. The kitchen wasn't fired up for lunch yet so I had to wait around for awhile and should have just went on to 303 or hit Chubby's or something, but I didn't. Sat down like a idiot and had a drink with some friends. Nothing bad, but it set the tone for the day. Instead of coffee and heading out to church, now I was in a gay bar, grabbing a few brews with the old crowd.

There was this one smoking hot guy that come in with his boy friend and he was one of those rare creatures that just walked in beauty and grace and had no idea. He was not cute. He was beautiful, what I like to call "man pretty". Phillips boyfriend showed up on his crotch rocket and they shot some pool, I hung out with Caleb and some other friends. Finally I get my food! Yay! A smart guy would have eaten and went on with the day as formerly planned...but nope.

Remember, car show with Michael and Brian, new restaurant, all that? Didn't happen. It was past noon and they still had not called, so I was kind of upset. I mean I realize they were out late last night, but I would have liked to known the game plan.

Phone rang, its Geoffory. He wants to hang out and I figure I have some time to kill, why not?

Mistake number two.

The rest of the day went to crap from there. Needless to say, we rounded up the guys (not Michael and Brian) and headed out for a day of tomfoolerie. Grabbed my schedule and check from work and we hit the town. Took a long drive our in Kansas while it was nice and then decided to catch some live music and some more brews.

Mistake number three.

End of the night found me pretty well hammered, hanging out with all the old friends in the gay clubs here in Kansas City. Bouncing from club to club, music, lights, dancing...just like old times. Seeing and being seen. Working the crowds...

And who should walk in?

My boss and friends from work. You know the ones that I have been witnessing to and invited to church? Yeah...them. :( I remember talking to them, but not much about what was said. I was convicted in my heart something bad, and knew I had to get out of there. So I called a friend and had him drive me home. I wonder how bad I messed up my testimony and what validity my words now have with the guys and girls who are just like me? Did I make Jesus look like crap? Will they believe me when I continue to share my faith? Or am I just another fag like them, just one who happens to go to church... :(

Woke up this morning hung over and hurting and have spent the day trying to get my heart and head wrapped around what happened and how poorly I chose yesterday. I simply was who I used to be. How did that happen? That disconnect and acceptance of living the way I used to?

Come to think of it...

I have a boyfriend now. I've been spending my free time with my old friends. Besides my church and relationships I have with friends from there, what evidence really is in my life that it has changed? I have slowly just let things back in my life that for so long were not acceptable?

And it sneaks up on you, a little at a time...until one night...you're at a club, living the life and celebrating your brokenness with just one more shot, just one more dance, one more game of pool and all the darkness that comes with making irresponsible choices.

Or you wake up in the morning, laying in the sun, legs and arms tangled with a guy who you truly care deeply about, and you stare at the ceiling fan and smile, but really wonder in your heart... where this is going? As you kiss the back of his head, you wonder what he feels about this journey.

So I guess that is where I am at?

At odds with my choices, hurting from a day of stupid and wondering how Michael is doing tonight. I am just giving him and Brian some space to enjoy each other and know we can catch up tomorrow after church.

I am not beating myself up, though I do feel bad. I have some choices to make and hope that tomorrow is a much better day. What to do about it all?

I need God to meet me. I am tired of being the screwed up guy who keeps falling down. Today sucked cause I've been horny all day, but have just been ignoring it. At least I got some food and rest in me. One thing at a time man...one thing at a time.