Women

Woke up to bright sun streaming in today, calling me to... greatness...or at least awakeness. Scattered pillows and tumbled sheets showed of a hard nights sleep that took this guys body on a long journey through some when. I often remember the dreams of a night before, but the only recollection I have of last evenings and morning sleep was singing strangely with someone else's voice to an audience of friends I could not see? I wonder where these night times take me at times?

So today is a day off and starting slowly at that. The car will be washed and topless soon. I have greeted the flower beds and inspected the landscape for all the new signs of Spring. Spread a layer of compost on the freshly turned vegetable garden and enjoyed my morning coffee outside in the cool, crisp air while sunlight warmed my face. It is a new day and all mine to enjoy and share with those I encounter.

No smooth segue of words here, but merely an abrupt launching into the thoughts that flit through my mind at the moment...

Last nights class at Pure Heart was on Forgiveness and while I listened intently to the stories and teachings of the leaders, I found myself somewhat at a loss. I had completed my homework of questions but was still kind of searching for whom I may hold bitterness, resentment, pain and hurt towards. Who have I still yet to forgive?

I have never been the type of person to hold a grudge against anyone, regardless of what harm they may have inflicted on me, my body or emotions. I sometimes have felt that I have no capacity to hate or feel something dark towards another person. The two emotions that I know well are either happy (which is most of the time in varying degrees from freaking elation... smile so hard your face hurts, life can't be any better, crank the music up cause today kicks soooo much ass! to a simple contentment with the life I find around me) OR confusion.

Kind of simple, huh?

It is with these two tools that I face each day of my life. The happiness is enjoyed and the confusion prompts me to find solutions, answers, truth or meaning in that which I do not understand.

While listening to the girl talk last night, I found myself keying into her message of words, but really getting annoyed at her. So much so that I almost left several times and had to go outside every 20 minutes or so. I was wondering, why does she talk so much? Why does she have so many words? I freaking hate her guts...

Yeah! That was the progression of thoughts in my mind, from simple annoyance to being really pissed off that she just kept talking. I liked what she was saying. I was learning something, but my mind and emotions was keying into the fact that she was a female and...

I DON'T LIKE HER! WTF?! SHUT UP!!!

uh...that is not normal?

So yeah...I have a problem with women, girls, whatever you want to call them. Everywhere I go, I pretty much ignore them and live my life in such a way as to never have to interact with them. In fact, if all the females were to vanish from the earth, I am pretty sure my life would remain relatively unchanged, 'cept for my mom and little sister, of course. I don't talk to girls. I don't have any friends that are girls. I dunno...they just don't matter to me at all. And not that they just don't matter...I really don't like them. I live in a guys world, with guys, and always have. From private school, to college, to the Navy (Sub force is all volunteer, all male...go figure) Somewhere along the way, I picked up the idea or message that girls are bad, they will hurt me, they contribute nothing...so just stay away from them. Now, I am not saying this formed my sexual orientation by any means, but I am sure it was a factor in the choices I made in life. I never dated one, never kissed one, never slept with one, never had one as a close friend.

And that is wrong, abnormal, not healthy, a sin...whatever you want to call it. :( I know, pretty sad for a guy like me to not have a bunch of girlfriends, or at least one fag hag. Weird...I know. My life has been about males and what they do. Even the activities and things that I enjoy that might be characterized as "feminine" always have my own "Daemon" spin on them, in order to justify them to myself or others. Somewhere, some when I got the idea that to be seen as feminine was to be seen as bad, or weak, not manly...something to be eradicated from my life. I got pretty efficient at it to over the years.

But what am I scared of? What do I hate? Where do these feelings come from? What happened to me? God made girls too, so why have I cut them out of my life, for my whole life? I need to explore this in detail and try to at least understand why I am the way I am. Maybe this could change somewhat?

I am not going to go into detail right now, as I have alot on my mind and need to get some stuff done today, but yeah, this week I am going to be writing about females and the role or non-role they have played in my life. The first topic will be about how they have taken stuff people and things away from me my whole life and why they suck. (my view of reality, NOT truth, simply my perception of events)

It is going to get interesting...