Caught in between, fitting no where.

I can see me, inside my head, stretched in between two places, both camps grasping my arms firmly and trying to pull me in both directions at the same time. So much tension being put on me that my feet cannot find purchase on the ground below me, eyes screwed tightly shut and simply trying to narrow down a few of the many loud voices that daily assault, cajole, entreat, chide, rebuke, love and condemn me. How did I find myself in this place, hung between the sky and ground with no place to call my own?

On the one side is my life as I have always known it. The value of hard work and saving for other leaner days, education and honesty that pays off, simple friendships based on shared passions and thoughts, family and peers who have accepted me and loved me for who I am. I used to live over there once, safe and sound in its quietness and contentment. There are also things I do not agree with there now, since I have begun to change. Some things that used to wear easy do not bring the peace and comfort they once did.

The other arm is being yanked incessantly by these new people that have come into my life since I have found a modicum of faith. They have always been around I suppose, but I never had much in common with them. Their lives were full of rules, do's and don'ts, desperately seeking to control the outside in order to disguise or at least hide the insides. Phony living, odd language, words that obscure the truth, daily martyrs for a cause, suffering all the abuse they bring upon themselves in the name of beliefs.

Both sides are struggling for my attention, my validation, my agreement with their purpose and plan. My former life with its clear lines and open communication vies with this cacophony of voices that always clamors for me to "prove" to them my ideas, to "justify" my beliefs and the view I have of this world. That to somehow convince them of my path will then sooth their conscious (that is the lie) when all that they really want is for me to come over to their uninformed, non-researched, refusal of reality that is steeped in traditions and the ideas of men who never thought freely for themselves.

You know what?

For a while there, I thought in order to be a good "Christian" and serve God with my life that I had to appease them. To walk their way. To fit and change all of the parts of my life they dictated. To become something I am not that they are firmly convinced God has told them to tell me. They actually sold me on this when I was still very young in my faith. I trusted these people. What is wrong with them? Do they think they are helping me?

Guess what?

To be blunt... f@#% that noise.

I am tired of being yanked around. Tired of the arguing, the endless dialogue and argument over doctrine, the words of Scripture, the needs in a man, relationships, rules about everything from when it's okay to touch my dick, who I can kiss, what to do with my money, who I should spend time with, what gender I should fall in love with, what to eat and drink, things to wear, where I should and should not go....ENOUGH!. I don't need this anymore. I am sick and tired of this political game that is played out each day, all in the name of faith.

I know who cares for me. I know who walks with me. I know who respects my boundaries, realizes I am still learning and never, ever tries to change me in order to prove something to some one. The side that does not offer unsolicited advice. The ones who do not gossip, all in the name of prayer. The people who live out community to me. Those persons who see me for who I am, accept what I am not and then simply walk beside me. They are tired of fighting for a scrap of my attention too, and I am sorry that I walked away from them, even a little way.

So to all of you, hanging on my arms, trying to wrest control... I give up.

I put my arms to my sides. I plug my ears to your grating voices. I set my feet firmly on this place where I find myself. I am right here where I stand now. This is where my tent is pitched.

I claim this ground. I may not know either side well, but I have seen enough to know that I will find this path and journey on my own. This is my space. Don't touch me. If I need something, I will ask.

Today I stand alone. I make no apology for who I am. I ask no approval for what I do. I answer for myself and my actions alone. Last time I checked, I am not praying to any of you. To all of you would be Holy Spirits, self righteous confused bigots, misguided tradition steeped non-lovers of life and self serving sycophants...I say good day.

Here is where I stand, for better or worse. These are my arms...let them be. I shall find my way.

Daemon