Our hands washed of grime from working on the hot rod, while sitting together eating a simple lunch at the table, my Dad and I wandered off into a conversation spanning current politics, faith based groups, the Bible, this country we call home and civil rights. These long talks are one of the reasons that I love my Father. They have helped me over the years grow to know him better and for him to explore those parts of my life that I am willing to share.
Today, without warning, while discussing a citizen's personal liberty and the religious right movement, this conversation took a gut wrenching turn that hit me like a closed fist right in the heart.It literally made me gasp and have to
I have been out to my family since my first crush in fifth grade and they knew me pretty well growing up, since I was so verbal and expressive. Not having much empathy for others, I tended to blurt my life out many times. They have seen the conflicts and hardships, watched over the relationships, and shared with me the heartbreaks and the joys. They welcomed my boyfriends into their home as we were growing up and treated them as sons. They have always loved me, no matter what scrapes I got myself into. They are proud of me and all that I have accomplished with my life this far. They are my tribe.
Somehow this question that I asked set him off and he started quantifying his answer with a long complicated story (which he often does) which showed me something was wrong. Suddenly, he launched into a dark story about his childhood and the physical and sexual abuse he suffered at the hands of some sick men in his neighborhood. This part of his story was not a shock to me. I am aware of the horrible place that he called home growing up and all that it entailed. I listened to him quietly and when he stopped a bit, visibly upset and getting louder, I gently reminded him that those guys were pedophiles NOT homosexuals. At this point he had stood up over me at the table and leaning in close started telling me about "those fucking queers that had come onto him over the years" and started touching my chest and body, emulating what those men had done when they first approached him.
I physically reacted, slid back in my chair and jumped up, pushing him away from me hard, unsure what to do. I blurted out, "Don't call them that!", and turned my back and started to head outside, shaken and nauseated, feeling anger and all kinds of conflicted emotions. He yelled after me, "If you call some people white trash, then I can call all of you queers and faggots!"
I had to physically get away from all that, so went for a walk around his property. I was not sure what I felt. Confused, upset, sad, hurt, betrayed, lost... like a child who has been kicked repeatedly and then told to stop crying. Where does this hate in him come from? Is this how he looks at me? Is this how he has looked at the guys I have dated all my life? Am I some sick pervert to him? Has his acceptance and love been a sham and lie for all these years? I cannot fathom the disgust and hate I heard in his voice, that fear and aggression that I saw in his face and could not help but think that part of it all was somehow aimed at me.
Did he think that since I have found my faith in God that somehow I was not gay anymore? Do I spark some kind of sick loathing in him, even as his child, his son? Where in the Bible has he found this stance and belief? I support civil rights for ALL people of this country and am especially involved and vocal on how the local church and faith groups in the United States treat their fellow believers who are homosexuals. I think we ALL deserve freedom, just not those blessed by churches and government. NONE of us are free...till ALL of us are free.
I don't know what to do.
I am at a loss.
I promptly found my Mom working in her office, explained briefly what happened without being specific and got out of there, shaking all over. I can still hear him in my head...
Is that all I am Dad...just a faggot?
Just some perverted queer?
Why would you say that?
I feel guilty and ashamed, but I have done nothing wrong.
I guess I have my answer...
I am less than human to my Dad.
I am so very sorry for what you went through with your father. I know how hard that can be, through experiences with my own dad. I have felt the pain of rejection and the pain of being "less than" human.
ReplyDeleteRight after I turned 18 i was sent by my parents to an Exodus affiliate in order to try to change my sexuality. It was either I go, or I be kicked our of the house and onto the street. If I chose the latter, my parents instructed my extended family to not take me in, as that would be aiding me in my sinful lifestyle. So therefore I went to the former. One of the worst choices of my life. After 8 months of being in this program I struggled with feelings of self worth and insecurity. I felt that my parents looked at me the same way that you think your dad does you. They could not love me for being gay, I had to change.
When I decided not to change, I forcibly removed myself from connection with them, fearing their reaction to my "choice".
I have come a long way since then, but it still a struggle. When my father came up here to Ontario to visit me from Georgia, I took that opportunity to express all the feelings that I had kept bundled up. How I felt that their love for me was only surfacey, that they viewed me as some sort of "other". I cried, and he started to argue theology with me.
I say all this to help you. As someone who has experienced something very similar to yours, I know what you are feeling and I know the rejection that you are experiencing. Our families are our last defense against being alone (in the human sense), and when they reject us we feel lost and abandoned.
But it is in these feelings that we can conqueror. Family is important yes, but sometimes family must "take a backseat" to ourselves. Once family becomes intent on viewing us as less than what we are, we must slowly distance ourselves from them until they reevaluate their position. This ensures our health and well being while at the same time making it clear to our family that we will not be treated as second class.
Talk to your father again, but instead of running out this time, actually confront him about his hatred. If he responds in the same way, it may be time to start the "removal" process. If he responds in a different way, give him some grace and forgiveness with his recent outburst.
Kyle
Wow, that conversation would be really tough to endure. However, ISTM that the emotions were misdirected to you, because your dad doesn't know where to funnel them.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like your dad had a childhood from hell. Has he ever sought counselling to work through the painful experiences? He obviously has not experienced healing yet.
I'm can't imagine the pain that his comments caused you, but it might help to realize that they come from someone who is also suffering. Maybe instead of focusing solely on the pain his comments caused you, you could attempt to lead him in a path to healing?
Hoping things improve.
Thank you for the words, Kyle and GayPK. The thing that has me so hurt and confused, at the moment, is he never once acted this way when I was growing up?
ReplyDeleteTo have accepted me and loved me, even supported me when I did the statewide commercials AGAINST Proposition 2 that banned gay marriage in MO...and now this?
I don't know what to think right now. I love him and always will. He's my Dad!
It may be possible that this emotional response from him may have everything to do with his childhood of abuse and nothing to do with my orientation and life choices?
He is now retired from his career with the Department of Defense as well as from being the Senior Pastor of a large local Baptist church and has much time on his hands. I hope to be able to find some peace with him in this space before I go back to school to pursue another degree.
Pray, please. I am hurt and upset. I don't want to talk to him now for some time, but I ache since he is one of my closest friends. Since I returned from the Navy, we spend all the time we can together to make up for lost years.
I just don't understand.
Wow so sorry Daemon. That must have really hurt alot. I definitely will be praying for this whole situation and for reconciliation between you and your dad.
ReplyDeleteThe ones we love the most often are the ones that hurt us the most. Your heart will heal from this although I'm sorry you had to experience that from someone you so obviously trust. Give it time and space...I'll be sending up my prayers for you today.
ReplyDelete