Brain not on yet...

Woke up incredibly early this morning and watched the sunrise in the peace and quiet outside. Now inside and rocking out to the sounds of U2 singing "Beautiful Day". Kind of takes me back to high school I guess in my head. Used to crank U2 up while opening and shutting down for the night. Reminds me of Christian and Tim, kind of a blast from the past.

Had some weird stuff in my head last night before I crashed. Kind of odd, but after reading for a while (a habit I have had since I was about 7 years old) I just kind of laid there and thought, this is all crap. This existence, the striving, the questions, the confusion. Is that all I am here for, to breath, eat, live and die? Just buy more crap with money, then make more money, then buy more crap? I actually teared up a bit at a few thoughts of the life experiences my peers were having in getting married, raising a family, feeling a little ones arms clasped around their necks and being called Daddy. Then I fell asleep.

Not sure what all that was about last night, just the sense that there has to be more to life than this. It is very strange for me to feel off or down and it kind of got to me. Maybe that was just a flicker of what some people feel who are depressed all the time? Strange. This morning I feel great. Kind of wandering around the house, reveling in being alive and planning my day. Maybe it was just some random weird chemical thing, but I have a feeling it was a little more than that. I want some of what they have, that richness and more than just myself in life. Okay, enough rambling...lol

So...today will be about taking it easy I think. Want to do some reading at the park, tour a new exhibit at the Nelson Atkins Art Museum, eat some good food at Jerusalem Cafe, maybe take a nap? I really need to answer some emails and make some phone calls to friends but I kind of feel like hiding out a bit. More time alone is really needed for me to sort through some of my life and I know once school starts I will find privacy and "me time" very scarce if non-existent.

Woke up double horny this morning, but took care of that for the time being. David at church challenged me to give up my porn and jacking off for even a week, says I am chemically addicted to my body or some such nonsense and while he makes a compelling argument I just don't want to? Getting off feels good! I have pretty much jerked it several times a day my whole life and I can't see the need to stop now. Blah, blah, blah with the lust argument, I have heard it all. Maybe I am addicted to orgasms, but I dig them. Even in a relationship, with a regular, healthy sex life, I still have to take care of myself too. Is that weird? Am I over sexed? Is that even possible for a guy? I dunno...random. Meh, who cares...

Spiritually I feel like I am on pause. Kind of watching and waiting to see what happens. Church has really been speaking to me, and my guys group is getting together Friday night to eat, chill at a pub and then have a huge bonfire. I like spending time with my buds and just sharing some life. We will see what I hear and kind of go from there. When in doubt...I don't.

I keep thinking of really interesting topics to blog about and then totally forget them by the time I actually get to one of my keyboards. Speaking of keyboards, I need to start hitting the piano again, oh, and call Stephen today, it's been awhile. I wonder who the heck reads this crap? Just was randomly browsing blogs this morning and am struck by two things. One, some of the guys out there are unbelievable writers and have such interesting lives and Two, the beauty this exists in the male form is just stunning, can sometimes almost move me to tears. Like seriously...wow. I am not talking from some sex place in my pants but from that artistic spot in my head that sees such rare grace and power in the simplest and most complex bodies of other guys.

I totally love my body do, despite the "flaws" I think I have. Never really been a time when I didn't. Kind of weird how some people get all hung up on body image and that spiral of low self esteem. I have extra esteem if some one needs any. In fact, I prolly have too much. I still kind of fall in love with the mirror sometimes, or maybe just get trapped looking at my eyes and wondering who that guys is. Am I even making any sense this morning.

Time to get rolling I guess. I want a long hot shower, a good rub down with a rough towel, a close shave and some well worn and rumpled face clothes on today. Feels like its going to be a great one! I hope to have more meaningful things to say later, like about life and stuff. Ciao!

Daemon

PS: All the shots are from the Naval Academy's ritual of "Greasing the Pole" ceremony which takes place at the obelisk that was erected for Capt. William Lewis Herndon. At this years ritual...the pole was dry, which was a damn shame. Man, I miss my mates back in the Navy some days. The pics prolly make it hard to read this post...that's kind of the point! :)