I had just got home from hanging out with my buddies at the coffee shop and grabbing some dinner at the wonderful Kona Grill and came inside to work on a few things and sack out early. I think everything just hit me all at once. The frustration I have with other Christian friends I am supposed to love. The views of the church towards guys like me. The simple and trite answers they throw at me, as if this was somehow all my choice. The endless striving with words and circular reasoning. Their failure to accept me, just as I am. The separation from Michael. The realization that when I needed to desperately talk to someone about all of this, there was no one in my phone I could turn to who wouldn't try to "fix" me. Comprehending the fact that I am caught between two worlds. My old life, which I must confess was not healthy or good and this new life which seems to be desperately trying to smash me into a mold that I will never fit.
I came unglued emotionally I guess you could say. I was stalking around the house, talking and yelling to myself and feeling very close to a breaking point. I am sure I looked like a mad man.I remember shouting several times that I give up. It feels like if I could just tear myself in two, somehow I would feel better. Tears wouldn't come. I ended up taking a long shower and just standing there under the hot water, my mind blurring like my vision in the steam and cascade that fell on my body.I don't fit on either side. The world won't take me back, since our beliefs differ and the church won't have me because I am gay. They keep telling me that my orientation is fine, just don't act on it...ever.
Are you kidding me?
Don't fall in love. Don't share life. Don't build a family. Don't ever have sex, that is for married people. Oh, wait...you can't get married either. Had to make sure we took care of that. Don't do anything that all of us can do. Are allowed to do.You can get married, just make sure to is to a woman. See, you have all the rights we do! You are damaged goods. Accept this fate as your "cross" in life and never, ever, ever, seek any type of fulfillment in a boyfriend, dating relationships or life partner. All of that is reserved for us straight folks, cause we are on God's side and He loves us, not you. The next person who dares utter that hateful lie of "Hate the sin, love the sinner." is getting decked on the face as hard as I can. Those words are just a justification for hate in God's name.
I give up.
I can't believe all this any more. I cannot accept that God hates me, but if he does, I hate him back. None of this is fair. I did not ask for this. I simply want to be happy and live my life seeking love and affirmation exactly how I am.
So, I do not know if I am leaving church, turning my back on my beliefs or merely just pausing for a bit. But for right now. I lay it all down. I can not deal with it any longer and refuse to hurt myself trying. Screw all this, it is NOT worth it and I don't think it ever was.
Daemon,
ReplyDeleteI had this recurring vision a while back. It was of me, hanging on a cross: the world wouldn't have me and God didn't want me either. Much like the place Jesus was in during his time on the cross. "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me." A very dark period in my life...
One day the Lord spoke to me (in my heart/mind) that He wanted all of me. At that moment something powerful happened. I knew that if God accepted me and wanted me, then the judgement of man and the disapproval of church or friends no longer mattered. The God of the universe, who died for me, put these marks on my life forever: Beloved, Accepted, Cleansed, Eternally Delivered, and so much more!
My brother... Trust God. People will always fail you but He loves you far more than you can possibly believe. Never forget HE DIED FOR YOU, yes, GOD!!! I feel a great comraderie with you just from reading your posts. Know that you're not alone. I wish I could give you a big hug from the heart of Jesus right now but I'm in Michigan, lol!!!! I'm cheering for you though and full of hope for you. Keep writing and enjoy the journey!!!
Blessings, Mark :)
But......what about Jesus and His gift of grace that He has freely extended to you?
ReplyDeleteDaemon,
ReplyDeleteI have enjoyed reading your blog and following your progress. You have greatly encouraged me on more than one occasion as we share the same struggle in life. I attempted to locate an email address on this site to send this to you privately but was unable to locate one. Hopefully this will be edifying to you and to others.
Life is a gift but life is hard. We all know that. You do not seem to me to be a person who gives up easily on things. You come across as a person who is full of perseverance. Like you I also served in the military (USAF) and am very proud of my service. The armed services not only instills pride in a person but they help to develope perseverance. I have followed Christ since a very young age and have watched through the ups and downs of life Gods grace and hand upon me. I know that I did not go into the Air Force by chance but because God destined me to join. It was there that I began to really follow Christ and develope deep friendships.
Every day is a battle. John Piper says that for the Christian, "life is war". This can really be said about those in other religions and those that do not live a life of faith at all. Every day brings new trials. The difference between those that walk by faith and those that do not is that we have Gods hand of mercy and protection upon us because we have been born again. The struggle does not stop because we are born of the Spirit. It continues. I, like you, have been shunned, put down, gossiped about by fellow Christians. It hurts terribly. The very same thing happens to me by unbelieving coworkers who may think they have me all figured out and wonder about my sexual attractions.
I am trying to make this brief and in no way am I trying to tell you what to do, but only encourage. I encourage you not to give up. Do not focus on yourself, your pain, or even others. Focus on Christ who gave His life for you. He suffered and died for YOU. Below is my life verse. It is not I who lives this life but Christ who lives within me.
I appreciate you my brother and want to say a BIG thank you for sharing your journey and your struggle with all of us through this blog. You are a true blessing and have helped me more than once to know that I am not alone on this Christian journey and this struggle in life that I do not always understand. My grandmother used to tell me that there are some things in life that we will never understand until we are standing with and before our Savior, wrapped in His arms. Thank you for giving me a few seconds of your time.
Craig
ps. to the rest of you who read this, I appreciate you also and encourage you to reach out and encourage Daemon. He has been a blessing to us all.
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20
I have struggled for years with homosexual attractions. I am a Christian. I do not judge you, because that would be like judging myself. :) I know it might be hard to believe, but it was only when I felt most worthless and unloved, like I could never live up to what was expected of me, that I finally understood the magnitude of God's grace. I could do nothing to please him. Nobody can. I threw myself on God and asked him to take control of everything, and he changed my heart.
ReplyDeleteGod doesn't love straight people anymore than gay people. He wants what is best for us, but unfortunately, what is best for us often doesn't feel that way. It often feels really painful, at least in the short term. But ultimately, it brings so much more constant and lasting joy than any other relationship can possibly bring. And giving everything to God is not any easier for straight Christians. Most don't, because that would often mean giving up their wealth, their careers, their social networks, and their secret vices in the name of Christ. That is tough.
But if you throw yourself on God and try to trust him and him alone in everything you do, even when it feels like he's leading you into a living hell, he will carry you through it and transform you. I know, because I went through a few years of living hell, where it felt like every choice God was calling me to make went completely against who I was and what I wanted. And looking back on that period, I am amazed at what God did. I am a completely different person today and so much happier and healthier than I thought I would ever be.
I hope that might encourage you to at least think carefully before you reject your faith. If God does exists, he's brought you to this point for a reason, and that reason may just be to make you realize that you can't do it on your own and have to rely entirely on him, which I admit, is pretty scary. But there is also so much joy in simply giving all your cares to Jesus and letting him take care of them.
God Bless.