Woke up this morning all out of sorts. Had a great day yesterday. I feel like writing about all the stuff that is on my mind, but it is not assembling itself coherently at all, so I think I will just list 'em and ramble on about it. Sounds good to me?
Summer time and the Lake
I am back and forth from the city pretty often for family, church, friends and junk I have to do, but cannot say that it is going as I planned in my head. Made some friends down there, some good, others not so much. That environment kind of lends itself to partying and drinking daily and truth be told, all that wears on me and gets really old. Those are the things I used to enjoy before I met God and now it bugs me and makes me feel bad. I don't have a problem with enjoying a good beer and friends, but some of these guys drink like a fish every night and then it all just goes crazy. I was hoping for some alone time to reflect on my life so far, make some plans and enjoy the quiet spaces, but that is getting harder to come by. Work, of course, is a lot of fun given the fact I love my co-workers and the owner is a great friend, but eh...mixed reviews in the situations it puts me in at times. I think I need to set some boundaries with my friends there and let them know I am not available 24/7. Also need to ditch the all the condoms and lube, since that makes it way to easy and convenient to screw up. Well, maybe not the lube...that comes in handy! That just kind of hangs over my head, though. So yeah, more space and less partying.
School
So I am going to culinary school, enrolled, accepted, what not...but it going to entail much time apart from my friends, family and boyfriend. Not so sure I am liking that idea, but I also have a peace that this IS the right decision in life right now. I am excited that I finally get to live out this dream, but it is also kind of scary too? The school that I chose is actually a private faith based school and man, do they have a lot of rules. Even more so than the school I attended growing up. They take a pretty dim view on the whole gay sex thing, but do not discriminate based on orientation. I don't know how I am going to fit in there, since most of the guys are prolly conservative yuppies. At least that is the worst case scenario I have in my head too. Also, I can't drink while I am a student, but that is a small sacrifice. The problem I have is the school jurisdiction, as far as the Honor Code applies, states that it extends from acceptance to graduation. Can I really commit to NOT being physically expressive with Michael or any one else for that length of time? Is that fair to me? Is that fair to him? I dunno about all that...but my only other option is to lie, and I don't feel comfortable with that either. Lose, lose situation right there. I won't commit to something I cannot fulfill. It is almost like the Navy all over again, but at least DADT wasn't strictly enforced in the unit I served with. It is all volunteer and all male, so made it much easier. Hmmm...I am going to have to give this some serious thought, because I do not take promises or honor lightly.
Church
I love my church, I really do. I met God and came to my faith through the witness and ministry of the awesome people there, but lately, I do not feel like I am growing as I should. Not being challenged and discipled like I feel that I need. Everyone seems to be doing their own thing and it is easy to slip through the cracks except with my closest friends. I need to talk to David my pastor about this and see what he thinks. I am getting more involved now and everyone is so amazing, so accepting and loving, but I also need to be spiritually fed more. This is all still really new to me, so maybe it is just going to take time. I do not want to have to leave and find a new church.
Eh...that is enough rambling for now. I need to get some coffee and go for a drive to clear my head. I hate days when I have absolutely nothing planned. I end up wasting time and getting into trouble. For some reason, porn has been dragging me down all the time. Not sure if that is because I am not having sex as much or what? My pastor challenged me to NOT have sex for 30 days, and that is feasible, but there is no way I would want to not jack off for 30 days. I went for a few days once in the hospital and thought I was going to die. Maybe my next post will be about sex and stuff. I am really confused about what God thinks about all of that. Might make a good study?
Anyway...I am off, for a bit!
Peace
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