Grrr...just spent 17 minutes searching for a four leaf clover in my yard. How is it that Luke can just walk up and grab one and I can't find them if my life depended on it? Must be the curse of the English!
Anyway, got the car washed and waxed. Rain-Ex on the windows, vacuumed and all spiffed up. Even polished the wheels. It is so hot and humid, by the time I was done, my shorts and boxers were completely soaked. This weather is killing me, but it also feels really good to sweat and get stuff done. If I had the time, I would get out there and weed my garden and trim the shrubs again, but they are still looking okay and the mulch is keeping the weeds at bay. Man, the corn is getting TALL! Already getting green beans, tomatoes, onions, carrots and herbs this year. It is good to work in the dirt, and it is almost like free food! Whoohoo!
Been spending more time with my buddies from church and much less time with my gay friends hanging out clubs and parties. Seems to set my mind str8 and I am really starting to listen to what God is saying to me. Reading through Psalms over and over and over and it breaks me up every time. It is like reading David's journal; all his fears, pain, angst and passion for his life and those around him. Not sure what all the tears are about that come, but I am learning to just let them flow and not be ashamed. Maybe I will get an answer some day, but until then, I will just keep crying I suppose?
I titled this post Acceptance today, not sure why, except that is how I am approaching my life, my friends, my family, my relationship, everything. I am simply trying to be present and live in that very moment, which can be very hard. My friend Caleb says I have ADOS, which stands for Attention Deficit, OH SHINY! :D Bwhahahahahaha...
With all that is going on, the changes, the plans for school, running back and forth to the lake, staying in the Bible, living in community with my Christian friends, I find it hard at times to stay with it all. I kind of drift off and wonder what all this is about. I certainly like sleeping at night with no regrets for a day. Being able to say no to temptations is something new for sure. I never told myself no before, maybe wait, but never no. I did not think I could. Guess what? I can!
The intentional choosing of good things is setting well with my heart and mind. I sleep sounder, I live healthier, I look better and a smile comes to my face much easier and more often. I dunno what I am saying except, I like it! I am loving this summer.
It is one of change. Good things are happening.
Hope this is true for you as well!
Peace
PS: If you happen to pray for me ever, porn and jacking off is still kicking my ass every single day. I have no idea how to break out of this, especially now that I am not having sex for awhile. I need either some peace with what is natural, or some decrease in hormones. It never really used to bother me at all, but lately I feel like it is out of control. Life isn't just about sex and getting off. Guess I am getting more sensitive to this stuff? Summer is always like this and it kind of sucks to walk around raging all the time. Prayers and any verses you might know about lust could sure help. Just throw them up here and I will check them out. Thanax! :)
I have to say you have the most exciting life ever man! Every day I am like amazed by all the stuff you do. It sounds like you have a whole farm at your house! Very cool!
ReplyDeleteI will pray for those things you asked for definitely! Its a hard thing to do to kick the porn habit but its possible! Not that I have completely or anything but God has been helping me to fall less and less. For me anyways P and M are like just a fantasy I use to escape and dull pain. God has been showing me the pain is good for me sometimes though as the pain forces you to examine yourself and it is forcing me to slowly change the wrong way I have been dealing with my SSA and living which was to shut out everyone. Very slowly because I am finally dealing with some things instead of hiding in my fantasy world of P and M I am starting to be more open and honest with others. I have a LONG way to go and it is scary to think about but I am for the first time really trying to reach out to others in my own feeble way. I just pray that someone will reach back.
I know that is not the same reason for everyone and you have a really good social life and seem to be open and honest with everyone so your reasons for P and M are probably different than mine but figured I would share about me.
Hey man, I read this and prayed for you. I'm at a good place with porn and masturbation at the moment. (Not so good a month ago) For me there has been no major thing that was helpful to beat it. Sometimes I just have to fight to say 'no' to it. Other times it's as if my relationship with God, built up over a long time, has reduced the desire a fair bit.
ReplyDeleteCheers,
Chris
Masturbation is a really odd area to cover. It's never mentioned once in the Bible...unless you REALLY yank verses out of context. But you can't really do it with out some type of lusting.
ReplyDeleteOddly enough, James Dobson of all people, spoke on it at some big conference ages ago. He was of the opinion that it was kind of God's "Stop Gap" measure. Or as my Dad used to tell me when I first started taking out the girls, "Listen Joe, I'd rather you jerk-off before the date than during it." (Kind of practical theological view I guess...very "Hands On." Hahahahahahahaha)
Anyway, sometimes there are just no easy answers.
I just received this post this week and just added it to my blog this morning. I thought it might be relevant to your attempt to break out of the porn and jacking-off habits.
ReplyDeletehttp://carleton1958.xanga.com/730248332/overcoming-temptation-whose-responsibility-is-it/
I really think that using porn is part of a fantasy life that arises from depression over failure to attain one's deepest heart desires in life. It's a way to bridge the divide between lived reality and desired reality. Porn is the greatest dent in my armour IMOP. Sometimes God sees things differently though. I "wish" I could easily stop using it. However, I find that to do exactly that is analoguous to saying adios to my deepest dreams and desires. Namely, to be sexually, emotionally, and spiritually satisfied with a man who is absolutely for me and I absolutely for him. Porn lacks that real component of love and beauty but it comes the closest to it that I can find out there in fantasyland. Even though I hate it.... Ugh.
ReplyDeleteWow,
ReplyDeleteThat is some good insight Mr. Anonymous! I know I have all kinds of reasons or excuses for it, but it all comes down to I simply like it, it feels good and it's just a pattern and habit in my life, since I was a kid. Some days it bugs me, other days not so much. I guess it has always been a constant, in a relationship or single. I just get tired of being a slave to my body. It is so freakin' needy! Grrrrr...
Jeff, thanks for the post. That was some good advice and ideas for overcoming junk. I will think on that for some time to come I am sure.