Bad Day

Odd night, day and night. The last week has been a blur. Sitting here this evening, feet up and wearing an uneasy feeling like a greasy residue over my skin. Usually so happy and full of life, unsure of the last time I felt less than myself. No major event, just off and odd.

Beautiful weather today that I didn't notice. Left the top on the car. Woke up late. Helped my neighbor fix her vacuum and install her new fridge. Got paid and didn't care. Packed a lunch and head out to play at World's of Fun, got upset, never parked and came home. Avoided the phone and texts, spent the day with just me. Several hours just in my bedroom, in the dark, listening to nothing.

Michael was running errands all day. We talked this morning and he was all chipper and happy. Didn't bother making plans. Think I needed to be alone. Maybe I was wrong. I feel lonely now. Always called, texted and messaged when not needed, and now when I ache...nothing. Am I slipping through the cracks? Is this space good, time for me to think?

Nothing all day but simple things. Ate, exercised, napped. No plans, no outing, no entertainment. Not used to this at all. Curious head space. Not sure what is bugging me. Stuff under the surface and hurting.

Hating being gay today. Haven't felt that way in a long time. So many normal people in my life. I feel cut off. They can love me all they want, and I still am over here, way out on this ledge, just looking near, being almost with, never touched.

Having sick people in my life means that people are scared of me now. Don't they know they can't get sick from me? I watch them wash the dishes I use twice before putting them in the dishwasher. Something inside crumples like wet tissue paper and it hurts like broken glass. Friends touch me less now. I never have a problem finding a space to sit in church anymore. People kind of move. I see more wary looks. The "I am so sorry" half smiles. The patronizing condolences. No...I am not fucking strong. I am just like you and someone I love is dying.

Am I just that fucked up gay guy at church now, the one with the sick "friend"? That guy we don't get, the one that seemed cool till the novelty wore off and no one had time to keep track of anything else besides their new shoes, when the next show is, who married whom and who bought what, where we are going for lunch, how cool this new twat gadget is and when is the next road trip? People care more about my Facebook pics and status updates than me and my real face. I am a person, damn it! I no, I don't want to be your token gay friend.

I know I am sounding bitter and mad. I had a chance to hang with 8 friends today from church, but they didn't give a fuck that I was missing. How many called when I didn't park and walk over, just drove on by, fuming in my own way about being lied to and taken advantage of again. Do they know that this shit hurts me? When I fail to speak up, am I just accepting abuse?

A dark night it is, not depressed but subdued. Not used to feeling this way. I am tired of fighting. Tired of knowing Michael is dying. Tired of being strong for everyone. Tired of always having to be happy. Tired of paying for others lives. Tired of being taken for granted. Tired of mailing cards and letters but never getting any. Tired of remembering the names of all the people who forget mine. Tired of being ignored. Tired of being an ATM of emotion and finances for people who cannot seem to take care of themselves. Tired of always doing the right thing. Tired of not talking about how I really feel. Tired of being told what to believe. Tired of not knowing what I believe. Tired of questions. Tired of answers that don't fit. Tired of not being married. Tired of working so hard for each little piece of love I find. Tired of being boxed in by the small mindedness of others. Tired of being hated. Tired of loving...

I'm half tempted to run. Head out on the road in the morning with a bag, bottle of water and the few things I need to get to the coast. What would that solve? Not much, but at least I would be moving. I need to consider the ocean, drink her in with my eyes and shout my questions to her fury. It's time to set sail again. Far too long land locked this sailor boy is.

Am I sad? Is this what sad feels like? I have forgotten.

I never let myself feel anymore.

I don't know if I remember how.

So tired.