I am really frustrated and upset right now for so many different reasons that I hope to at least get out of my head right now. Maybe it will make me feel better? I dunno. Actually pretty pissed off, ya might call it out right mad. So much stuff on my mind, it's driving me nuts.BTW...had a great time at the Pilgrimage with my church. Amazing three days of community and friends at camp. But I'll get back to that later. I am angry right now and need to get it vented and on the table.
The thing is, I am getting so much heat from people lately about being gay. Namely, I am getting all this flack from "christian" people who do not believe that I actually have a relationship with God and also do not believe that Christians can be gay. Now most people at my church are pretty cool and we certainly are not your typical church. My friends love me and support me in what ever decisions I make, though certainly watch out for me and also hold me accountable on the beliefs I do have. But even a lot of them won't give me a str8 answer, no pun intended. It's like no one knows what God thinks.
But all these other "christian" types, with their hate and verses who just seem to love bashing me all the time...
Fuck you.
Yeah, you heard me right.
Thank you for making me feel like shit.
Thank you for always making me feel like my existence is worthless.
Thank you for making me believe as a child that God hated me and wanted to burn me.
Thank you for seeing me as less than human.
Thank you for caring enough to go out of your way and condemn me for something I never asked for and have no control over.
Thank you for being the expert on God and telling me I am condemned to hell and a reprobate.
Thank you for never loving me and offering any help when I have been hurt and wounded.
Thank you for discounting all the love I have ever had in life.
Thank you for making light of all the pain and loss I have felt when relationships have ended. All of those years don't matter right, cause I'm gay? Of course they don't.
Thank you for being my friend, and then vanishing in terror when you learned I liked guys. Rejection is awesome and no, I didn't want to get in your pants just because you were a guy.
Thank you for hiding your hate behind concern for "the children". News flash we don't want your kids, that is pedophilia, get your facts straight, ass hats!
Thank you for seeing my life as nothing more than an endless stream of gay butt sex, cause that is all we are about ya know? We don't love, we don't feel, we don't matter. Hell, we're practically animals right? Just disgusting disease ridden faggots, right?!
Thank you for talking about me behind my back and to my face. That extra helping of confusion and shame sure came in handy.
Thank you for kicking me out of your churches when I asked for help growing up. You certainly kept me away from God well.
Thank you for showing me how NOT to follow Jesus.
I cannot believe we are on the same team, reading the same Bible and talking to the same God on a daily basis. Aren't you my brothers and sisters? Aren't we one family? Why do you hate me so much?
Why do you hurt me so deeply?
You are the reasons that I am losing my faith.
If you are what Jesus would do, then I want to quit.
I am not sure I love the God you serve.
If you are His ambassadors, I am pretty sure I hate him.
I can't believe that I am this horrible. That I am as bad as you make me out to be.
I am a human being too.
Don't I count?
I feel the same way about alot of these things. The hypocrisy in the church. The singling out of homosexuality over all other things. The gossip, the condemnation etc... Obviously our paths are different in some ways but I know where you are coming from and have the same feelings as you do even if I may not act on them.
ReplyDeleteYou have encouraged me so many times and I learn alot from you! Keep having faith bro! God loves you and will never abandon you! Mankind may fail you. The church may fail you. But God never will!
Daemon, I have also felt the pain that you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteI too cannot understand how someone can say that they are a child of God, yet treat others with hostility. I too cannot understand how a passage from Leviticus can be used to attack, instead of the words of Jesus, which are supposed to support. I too cannot understand how "christians" can cast us away, yet at the same time say that God does not cast away anyone.
But do we need to understand? Is our faith - for myself Judaism, for you Christianity - dependant upon the actions of others? Though Christians are supposed to be the messengers of God to the world, are we putting them in place of Jesus - who is the one who is truly supposed to represent Christianity?
We will not ever be able to understand the hatred that others have towards us. We will never understand how they can lie about us and torment us. Yet are we supposed to? As hard as it may seem, by giving them this "power" of emotion over us, we are putting them in control; we are allowing them to win.
I have experienced many of the same things that you have. Growing up in a homeschooled household, I was taught about the evils of homosexuality. When my parents found out I was gay they forced me into therapy in order to "cure" me of this "sin". But though I have had pain, I have learned that if forgiveness does not follow, there is only more hatred and anger. It has not been easy to forgive my parents, but I know that if I don't, that I will end up communicating a message of hatred much like the one that they communicate.
As I said I know how you feel, and I know what you are going through. But we cannot change people, only God can. All that we are called to do is live a life of authenticity and truth, a life transparent to the rest of the world, a life where others can see both our pain and how we have overcome it.
Hope that helped a bit, you have to forgive my kinda muddled comment organization - I kinda just type as Im thinking.
Kyle
AJ and Kyle,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the words of encouragement and perspective that you have placed here. I am upset right now and venting some of the steam off, but it really does hurt.
I guess I am concentrating too much on people and not enough on Jesus and my relationship with Him. People just have me so confused about this, and I never felt that way in the past. It is like they have taught me to be ashamed and quiet about something that I used to treasure. I want to get back to that place where I love me again.
As a Catholic, I can relate to the abuse you describe, but it doesn't change the fact that I still love the tradition and ceremony of the Church (confessions are interesting). I'd like to believe that it's my faith that allows that. A great deal of my time is spent in reflection on how better to approach these situations and I always come back to love and charity. It's a difficult thing to approach someone whose goal is to minimize your worthiness in a Christ like manner. More often than not, I get very upset and vent much as you have here.
ReplyDeleteAs I probably have said before, my impression of you, based on your writing, is that you are a faithful, giving, strong and compassionate person. Stick with that and you'll get through just fine!
SW
Just thinking of you and loving you as my brother in Christ. Your text to me on Monday afternoon in the midst of my tears was such a blessing. As best you can, blot out those condemnations from others and continue focusing on and supporting others as you did for me. Love ya, bro!
ReplyDeleteHey, bro...sorry that things are going so poorly. I definitely know what all of that is like. I wish we lived closer together so I could take you to lunch and pick your brain.
ReplyDeleteThink a little less about it, be yourself, waste no time, and find yourself some new friends.
ReplyDeleteI know its been awhile since you posted this but I still want to comment. I can relate and when that happened to me someone said, "They may run you out of the church but they can't take your beliefs from you."
ReplyDelete