Everywhere I look things are changing. Life is always shifting. Nothing is as it has been or will be again. How to grasp theses moment and hold onto them without crushing the life out of them and missing those that move on past me? People coming and going, running back and forth all over the country. What am I searching for? Who are these people who bring smiles to my heart?
Woke this morning in the cool darkness with sex on the brain, under the sheets announcing, and roaring through my veins like a fluid tempest and it seemed that nothing less would do. These feelings inside frighten me at times. How can this impulse to share and be shared live out so strong in this body? It is like a hunger that eats away inside of me. Sometimes my skin is hungry for touch, for that closeness that another body brings in shared warmth and contact. Waking up legs and arms tangled with soft breath on the back of his neck. Other times, I feel a beast loose in me that must pursue, catch, mount and ravage in a furious storm of aggressive passion. At times it is simply the calm, strong gentle peace of sharing a tender love for someone who cares for my heart and soul. Seeking release and striving to become one through joining. How do all these things live and rule inside me, all at the same time? How much is chemistry, what parts and emotions and where do I fit in?
Last night was so confusing. Went and grabbed dinner with M and all his friends. Ended up sitting between him and Garret and ended up having a great time. Who are these circle of people who make up our weird little life, in this strange city, in the middle of the middle west. We sat there at our gay restaurant, in a gay neighborhood, surrounded by gay people...but there was nothing "gay" about it. Just a bunch of humans being human. The heterosexual people who came and went seemed non-plussed because they knew where they were. Why have we had to carve out these communities, spaces and places to simply live in peace and surround ourselves with the beautiful things that we enjoy? How different are we? Sure its a sports bar and grill kind of place, decorated in the usual way, but still with a flavor so different it extends to the French milled soap in the men's room and linen hand clothes to dry with. I accept it all and am still so confused by it all. We aren't like them, but we are. Humans doing human things.
Grabbed some frozen custard at Foo's after our pizza and a few beers and just wandered Brookside talking and having a good time. Garret sure is an intriguing guy. So much potential, those questing deep eyes and I can't lie and say he wasn't smoking hot. I am glad I got to know him better, encourage him and simply listen to all the words he had for his hopes and dreams of the future. Went back to M's and watched some show and sunk deeper into a happy misery.
How can we still be friends and hang out like this, when my heart is aching and hurting for what we had. What was supposed to be. What direction am I supposed to go? Is it even possible to fall out of love with someone? It is obvious to me that he hasn't told any of his friends of the shift in our status due to my convictions. Just there on the couch, with Fallon, cuddled up, I had peace...but knowing what I really want? Now that's the problem. I can't find rest in me with it all, though part of me cries out desperately to fall deeply in and trust that it will all work out in time.
I am not making any sense, so I will just shut up for now. I am not freaked out or mad. Thanks for all the calls and texts last night from so many friends. I have got to sort this crap out. It is driving me crazy. To love or not to love?
I think none of your feelings would seem so out of place if your surroundings hadn't conditioned you otherwise. There lies the struggle within. Forgetting everyone else for a moment, what do you want? Just because something isn't in sight doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
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