Deep Breath...keep breathing...

Okay, I am freaking trembling and shaking in frustration and anger at the moment, about ready to donkey punch something but need to retain some composure and talk out why I am feeling this way. It really is an over reaction, but I need to know what can illicit this strong emotional response.

If you look back at my last post, in the comments you will see that Gaypk asked me if I had any female friends. I got home from hanging out with my Dad and brother, saw his question on my Blackberry, cooked some soup and proceeded to answer his question in great detail in the comments section.

While writing, seriously, what had to be the longest post I have ever made, in response to his question, I discovered so much about myself. In the writing itself, I saw a pattern in my life and found answers for some of the questions I have always had about myself. This writing that occurred was scary, illuminating, revealing, intimate and touched something deep, burrowed far down into my core as a person, and as a guy.

I read it back to myself, this answer of mine. Paused for a second, decided to send it out there, as raw and exposed as it actually was. An honest answer to an honest question...


And my freaking, stupid ass, monkey twisted, cursed excuse for an assembly of electronics circuits and sparks ate all the words and I lost them all!

They are all gone!


This amazing answer I had for myself, in all those words, that spelled out so much to ME are GONE!

Lost.

This is the exact reason I have always journaled on paper, in ink, in a leather bound book.

I have lost a part of myself. I am mad. I am scared. I captured a piece of myself and now its gone.

And not just gone...destroyed through some whim of Blogger. Some random, effed up error message that didn't mean shyte, except, Eff you, Daemon! We don't give a shyte about how you feel, what you saw there and what you learned. Eff of you stupid worthless fuck!

I want to cry. I want to scream. I am just shaking...

But I don't think it is because I lost my words into the mysterious electronic world of ether and space.

I am pretty sure that I saw something there that I wrote that scared the bat shit out of me and made me wonder about everything I have ever lived for. I remember the gist of what I wrote. I am going to re-answer the question in just a bit. I cannot recapture the phrases again, but I have seen into a depth of pain I did not know existed in me. The answer was not tortured or scary, just a simple relation of the facts of my life. It was raw. It was real.

It was me.

I have to take a break. I'll be back after I get my composure and senses gathered, but it will be soon. I do not want to lose what I had there. I must get something down while it's still fresh in my head.

Give me a sec'