Night Watch

Seem to have much on my mind today, but such is the case when life weighs heavy on the brain. Had a great talk with my friend tonight and he shared some great music from Phil Wickham with me that really boosted my spirits and put me at some peace.

Tomorrow, of course is a new day, and I look forward to filling it with good things. Today was different, because I set it aside for myself. Stayed home all day and did the simple things that needed to be done. Read my Bible, some books that have been waiting, listened to music, finally got my camera and phone downloaded to the computer and just simply lived here at the house, with myself, for just one long day.

Took a nap...had forgotten how good that feels!

Cooked some awesome food and rediscovered just how good fresh fruit and produce really is!

Been thinking much on the parable of the Good Samaritan and how my current life status in many ways mirrors that story that was shared. Will I love and see those in need? How will I minister to him and to them? What will motivate me to do whatever I must, barring all costs, regardless of what people may say or misunderstand for the sake of those I love?

I pray for sunshine tomorrow. I pray for peace in my heart. I long for the future I had planned and am trying to surrender that bright dream for the one He is giving me.

I struggle with my body. It wants so much at times. I get weary of failing. I doubt my faith. I wonder if anyone cares. I give into my desires. I find less fulfillment in them daily.

How to reach others? How to love them as He did? Where to serve and how? What will become of me? Why am I poured out like water? What is this ache in my heart. Where can I go to get away from you? Where ever I run, you are there. No matter how loud the music, strong the drink, dark the night, close the flesh or busy the mind...

You are there.

I want to walk with you. I want to be held. I need more strength than I posses to walk this road. It truly will be the Valley of the Shadow of Death.

I am scared.

I am weak.

I must find the strength to be there till the very end. To resolve to not let go until he says goodbye. How can I stand there and not fall. I tremble even thinking of it.

Where are you God? Why are you quiet? How are you talking? Are you in this rain? Do you see this ache? What will become of me? Do you care? Are you listening? Are you reading my blog?

Do you hear my cry in the night?

Why all the tears over music and church?

Will I find relief?

I do not think I am living wrong. I am seeking your face. I refuse the lies, the simple answers that others try to foist on me.

I need you.

I need you.

I need you.

Amen.