It was an Odd Day

Just got done eating dinner and watching part of some sad movie. The guy in the film, had a few lines that really got to me, as I listened. He said that, "God wants everything." And a bit later he asked the question, "Why does everyone keep leaving me?" The single question that really stuck with me is when he asked his older brother, "Am I a bad person?"


It is strange how I can find messages everywhere and how truly different this day truly was. Got called into work on a day off, which I did not mind, but certainly was not ready for how strange it was. Working with good friends and MAN! Today was hard on the eyes. Seems like every hot guy in the city decided to come in today just to torture me. It wasn't just me, Mick and Chadwick certainly noticed it as well. I am not sure why I am such a horn dog all the time, but I guess I have always been a meat gazer? Even in a relationship, my eyes still stray all the time. I need to learn some self control. Better late than never? I have never tried to learn any self control when it comes to sex and stuff, but it seems pretty clear that God wants me to live differently now.

So what is going on with me? I think I am growing up some spiritually. At least a little bit. Certainly finding some maturity with time passing. But I feel a bit lost with all the questions I have. Still not finding a real sense of peace about all my decisions lately. But really wondering if some of it is concerns and questions I have that are being put onto me from others? Am I content with myself, but others are jacking with me? Writing their lives and expectations on me? I am not sure really.

So God wants everything? What does that really mean? Is it some concept that hangs out there in the air that we need to try to attain to? What does it mean to give it all to God? I can't even comprehend what those words mean. I guess I really suck at this whole Christian thing? There is so much I don't know or understand about all of it. So if He wants everything, what does that leave for me?

Why does everyone keep leaving me? That's another good question. While I have had some amazing relationships and friends over the years, they always seem to end somehow, sometime. No one ever sticks around forever. I am tired of saying goodbye. Of having people walk away from my life. Of only being around part time, for a matter of years. Now I know realistically, that time changes many things, and people move and grow and become, but who will stick around for the long haul. I have never walked away from a friendship, never broken up with a boyfriend or given up on time shared. I feel I have been loyal to a fault. But yeah, they always end up leaving eventually. I am sick of opening my arms, letting go of hands and hearts, and saying goodbyes to the back of peoples heads. Getting left sucks, especially when you never even understand why?

Am I good person? I never thought I was, but am getting used to the idea that maybe, I am not as bad as others have always told me I am. I am tired of being defined by others. I actually like me and this life I have. I think I am a good person. I know I have made some mistakes along the way, and tend to get things screwed up a lot, but the direction I am going is not a bad one.

I don't know what I am talking about tonight. Just rambling I suppose? I know I will sleep well this night. Hopefully we will have some more sunshine tomorrow. That would make me smile!