Monday Snow

Woke up really early today after so much sleep with nothing much on my mind except the fact that I feel much better in my body. Yesterday was an odd day, due to the fact that I felt a bit under the weather. This was strange in itself, as I typically feel pretty awesome everyday. I think the events of the last couple months finally caught up with me physically and I just needed a break.

Sunday morning came bright and I ran through my morning routine without much of a hiccup. Almost stripped down and went back to bed before church, but knew that I needed to hear and see some good things so managed to keep going. Morning drive into the city was uneventful and hit the Broadway Cafe for my morning Joe. It seems that the colder weather not only packs that place, but also slows the workers down to an excruciating crawl. I finally ditched the idea of an espresso and settled for two cups of iced coffee and beat feet to church.

The message was awesome, from Luke 5:1-11 and dealt with our response to Jesus when he teaches and then blesses us. What am I willing to walk away from in order to follow him.

I felt like crap physically after service so dropped David off, said goodbye to Stephen (who was heading to Granite City with a buddy) after he pounced on me and made my way back home to the comfort of my bed for a much needed nap and rest. Is this what sick feels like? I really don't remember...

Woke up this morning refreshed and a whole day off of work! I think we may be getting together for lunch today, just depends on schedule and the weather. The friends got snowed in back in Atlanta so Michael is a bit bummed at missing time with them. I guess it was not meant to be right now. Hopefully they can come up, once the weather breaks and Spring is in the air?

Wow...more snow this morning. This boy is seriously getting sick of winter! I miss top down driving, shorts and warm sun. Will this pattern of weather ever break? I guess I am just rady for some green growing and blue skies. Grrrrr...

So I have read all the comments from days past and am processing all the input that seems to be pouring into my life and I had some thoughts on it, but am not ready to really share yet. Suffice it to say, those ideas that I am clinging to urge me to press into God and His word. To seek His face and KNOW what He has in store for me. I cannot change my beliefs to match my life. I must change my life to match my faith. This may not be the answer for all, but for me it seems the most logical and peaceful course of action, though it may not be an easy road to walk. Where this leaves me is at a fork in the road, when I least wanted or expected it.

In other news, besides the whole boyfriend thing, life is going well. Many different projects are lining up well and I am on my way to the success I have been pursuing these last few months. I cannot wait to see what this year has in store, as I keep making simple decisions that bring good things to me. This is blessing that I do not deserve. Looks like I am going to get to travel again and see more of the world than I though possible. I wonder where those paths will take me. Who am I going to meet? What life changing views and events will mold and shape me. I have always been happier when moving. Such is the life of a modern day nomad...

I think that I might just pack up and head to the shooting range this morning and blow off some steam punching holes in paper. Plus it has been a few weeks...don't want to get rusty. Might give Peter a call, he's been wanting to go with me and learn a few things.

So that's my Monday so far. Sipping coffee...watching snow fall and pondering this thing we call life. Peace to you all!



PS: I told you I didn't have alot on my mind. More to follow later. Promise.

A man in conflict

What do you do, when your faith does not match your practice? When what you believe in your heart and head is not in symmetry or in line with what you actually live? That place where you are torn right down the middle? The rough spot in your road? That fork between, the disconnect?

That is where I am at this morning.

I "know" what is right, by others standards. The things that they tell me.

But...

I also know how I feel and am.

Is this how David felt about Jonathan? Or Paul about Timothy? I doubt it, but I am searching for a parallel line in my life. Something to hang my heart on. I think that I must love "me" more than Him.

I cannot be less than myself. Each day I am bringing myself and my expression closer together, Self-actualization is not easy or simple.

But...

My life is matching my being.

This is who I am.

This is what I do.

Is it time for a change?

Waiting for Dawn

Up way too late, sitting here, feet up listening to Enya sing "Only Time" into my ears from the headphones that have kept me company since you went to bed. Today will be another 24 hours like the last, but completely different. Yesterday was filled with work and activity. The evening brought shared space and time with a guy I truly care about.

Running around town searching for that movie that you just had to have for the weekend. How many places did we go? Problem solved man! That is just what I do. Don't think that I didn't take note of you reaching over and unlocking my car door for me. That means something where I come from.

Simple night after work, just hanging out, watching movies, grabbing some pizza and wings and talking about life. What is going on here? How did we find ourselves at this place? Did this all really start with "hello"? We both know it did. That and you getting me some ice for my hand.

Who are we to each other? Why are we defining the friendship or relationship by the labels that others place on us? What will this weekend hold with your old friends from far away meeting your new friends, me, and this you that you have created here? I know that you are nervous and are really excited...but if they didn't love you, why would they come? You know they love you.

Yesterday, last night and today was filled with good things. I actually did not do or say anything for that 24 hour period of time that brings regret, conviction or guilt. Thanks to both of us for communicating where we are and respecting each others boundaries. Could we really be friends? I think we need to sit and enjoy this space we are at. Definition and time will bring clarity.

Another yawn splits my face and I sense the tired in my body, but also know you are asleep and need your rest. I enjoy your company. Like I said the first time we hung out. You make me smile.

So where comes the conflict?

Are these restrictions or ideas something we are allowing others to place on us? Are our boundaries being set up for self protection or as a way to move more slowly than we were? Are we moving? I would not mind staying right where we are for awhile, though other parts of me reflect some of the desires I see in you. What were we tonight? Who will we be tomorrow? And what will they think about me?

That is what worries me. They know you, your past, your other life and who you were "with". And now, I am going to be measured and judged by criteria that I am not even aware of. How do I measure up? Does their opinion matter so much?

I know that I make you smile too. You are safe with me. I protect and provide . I will take care of you. Seeing you love Fallon shows me that you are a good man. So gentle, so strong.

Dancing in the kitchen is always an option...you know that. I don't even mind when you stand on my feet. Thanks for watching out for me.

For all the simple things.

For looking both ways when I cross the street.

For being on my arm, when I need to support and for showing me new things about the world and myself each and every day.

You know my conflicts and what we both are trying to figure out. How does one re-capture their heart to give yet again when another has claim to it? That is something we are both wrestling with in our own ways. We both know that as humans, as guys, we cannot love two people at once...not the right way.

Thank you for reminding me of this.

Thank you for being here with me.

Thank you for being you, with me.

So what brings the morning? I know that you have to get to the airport and that your house still has a list of things to do and be done. A great time you all are going to have! I will be out of the way and will see you on Saturday when you come in. My phone will always be on, just like you asked.

Call when you need to, if you have to, or even if you just want to. But you know that. :)

I like how your eyes crinkle, slash and gleam when you smile. Your knowing looks. How your hands always capture and hold mine. I am going to shut up now.

I tell you it all, all of the time.

Please understand when I don't know what I am doing. I am searching, as we all are, for that security, that home, that peace, that place.

Thanks for sharing my tears, those deep sighs and strong long hugs. I like what is being built here. Let's do what we can, with what we have, where we are. No more...no less.

I liked this

Grateful and Overwhelmed

Today it was good to get home, strip down, scrub the remains of the day away, put some new linen on the bed and get ready for a good night of sleep. Just sitting here grubbin' a bit while I post, but forgot to eat today. Kind of lived on 4 hours sleep, a quad espresso, tall coffee and a random soda. My body craves some carbs and protein. Where to start?

I do not have the time or space at the moment to throw out all the details, but my coffee and conversation this morning with David (mentor, life coach, friend, elder at my church) somehow turned into 4 hours of deep, profound and revealing conversation and sharing. Wow. Um...I actually spoke to him today candidly about my past, holding nothing back. I spoke words about events that I had always believed I would take to my grave with me. Nothing that I can mention here, but in a coffee shop on Johnson Drive, with no one but a trusted new friend and absent barista boy, somehow my life spilled out of my mouth. If it were not for the questions that he asked, I do not think I would have been able to walk through all of those years.

Abuse, neglect, violence, hate, abandonment, fear, despair, shame, guilt, scars, tears.

Hope, love, sharing, peace, relationships, family, siblings, boyfriends, partners, hope.

From childhood right up to this day, not in delving intricate words, but in wide swaths, laying bare the truth of my life, as sordid and beautiful as it has been at times. What a feeling to be known!

And the things that he shared about formation, design, intention, purpose. I have never had such a candid conversation with a authority and friend in the whole of my life. Somehow trust just happened? Think not...it was God.

And somehow I don't feel ashamed or exposed. I feel peace, to simply know that a trusted confidant, friend and pastor KNOWS me and is going to help me walk where I should be. Why would he care?

So yeah, same page, same story, no secrets, no regrets. Maybe more later as I think and explore those words and thoughts.

After noon...two hours with my Dad...talking about many of the things I spoke with David about. I wonder what made Dad cry? Good times...so tender to share exactly what is on my heart, my fears, my confusion, my questions and answers that I am seeking out. I love you, Dad!

Tonight was chemical lab trials and tests...so many tests...brain dead! Called Michael, pizza and a movie tomorrow night, since the weekend is shot. So many different thoughts about all that now? I was challenged today to be open to the POSSIBILITY that there is change and freedom. I wasn't called to leave relationships, made to suffer shame or humiliation, set apart or condemned for my current state of life, bashed for being confused or hurt for not having the right answer.

I was challenged in love to come to Christ, seek forgiveness and find rest in HIS arms. While I may be dating two guys...only ONE made me.

Kind of puts things in perspective? How He loves us...how He loves me.

Shopped a bit tonight for a down coat and jeans for Dad...he is always so cold in the winter. Got those boxed and wrapped for tomorrow. I hope he loves 'em...just know he will look good in 'em! My heart is full...my mind is empty...my body is tired and I will stretch out and crash now.

Just wanted ya'll to know that love is in the air and peace is being found. It hurts, yes...but it's good. G'nite all and much thanks for prayers. More words later when my brain recovers...this Red Bull kicked my ass!

Sunny Day and Laundry

I really thought I had slept in today, as each time I woke up to the sunshine, I simply rolled over and snuggled back into the bed...but nope! When I finally rolled out of bed it was only 9 am! Guess I do have time to get all my things on the house list done, so am currently taking a break from that to put a few words here.

It is beautiful and sunny here this morning...but bitter cold. While I chatted with a friend and caught up on my news feed, I watching a few lone deer roam about the lake side searching for grub or something. Maybe they just thought the sun felt good too.

Doing laundry now...sexy right? But it is a part of life. I actually enjoy some of the domestic tasks that befall me each week, as it gives time for a pause and think. The smell of fabric softener has always been comforting to me. Reminds me of child hood somehow and the clean smell of home. Next thing to tackle will be the kitchen, not too bad and a once over of all the bathrooms. Michael has friends in from Atlanta this week and they are staying at his place. Sound like some good guys. Hope they like me?

Eh...guess what I have been mulling over is the idea that both of us each have a part of our hearts in different places, given to someone else...and that concept and reality keeps us from truly sharing completely as we should. Parts of my heart belong to God, and while he knows that and senses that, how much can he truly grasp the struggle and pull it is to be with him and with Him all at the same time? We both are surprised at how well this is all going, and while we are not looking for a problem, we also know that we are both thinkers and trying to figure out what this is all about.

I guess I am a house divided, and heart fractured, a guy dating two very different men (God and Michael)...and they are both jealous beasts. When I do give in, it is animalistic and full of raw passion, and he can perceive that the tenderness which I live out is missing in my heart and eyes. Choices to make, but how? We have decided to pause on some things, and simply be where we are at. Nothing anywhere says we have to move forward or back at any time. I dunno what I am trying to say...lol

Well, back to my tasks...will think on this and revisit it in a while...hopefully with some more clarity.

Strange day

Woke up early this morning and put the events yesterday together in my head. Had rushed to church and ended up sitting in the front, next to that one girl who likes me. I did not plan on that, but it was the only spot I could find. She is nice I guess, but way too nosy. Why do females feel the need to ask so many questions? I don't think she understands that I am not interested?

Kind of got cornered by Mary after the service and she wanted to go to lunch sometime this week. She confuses me greatly at times and I can tell that Owen (her husband) is getting kind of nervous about our friendship. I don't think I will find time for her this week, as I have much on my plate and cannot afford to complicate matters even more.

Caught up with David after church and decided to get some coffee this week. I have pretty much laid it on the line with him and let him know what is going on. It does feel good to have some accountability in my life, but I still get nervous when I think about how others must perceive me and my odd state of affairs.

Went to 303 for lunch and hung out with old friends. Gene and Jeffery (owners) were glad to see me and the food was awesome, as usual. The whole gang was there and it was good to spend some time with them and get abreast of all the news I had missed. The day would have went well if I simply had gone home, but ended up out and about and at several Super Bowl parties. Bought a new lighter at Coopers, sleek, black and posh. The guy who works there is so cute and he really hooked my up on a deal. I likes it! :)

So much on my mind and I feel like crap today, but that is prolly due to the fact that I indulged myself way too much yesterday. Called Steven when things started getting out of hand, and he talked me down and out of there. Slept at home, by myself, for a change, and I feel pretty good about that decision. Now if I can just shake this headache and get to feeling better, life will be good. The more things change the more they stay the same.

Got off three times today so far. Can't get away from or rid of this lust. Just so freakin' horny all the time! It is like my whole body is hungry, straining, needing and wanting. Grrr...not good. Just thinking about it gets me going again. It always seems to be at the worst times too. I thought I had a good grip on things (no pun intended) but it seems that as time goes on, I simply need more and more to satisfy myself. Can't get enough I suppose?

I dunno, I just feel really weird today. The body is doing well and looking good, but it feels strange on the inside. Wearing my new glasses around the house today, but still not used to them. They are rather bookish looking, titanium horn rims. They are growing on me. Hmm...I need to shave to, can't seem to get used to the stubbled look, though Michael wears it well. Especially on Saturday mornings...yum!

Working later today, so need to get it all together. Might take a nap. Yeah, that sounds really good. No deep thoughts today, simply surviving again. Everything is going to be all right. I just need to start making some better decisions. Everyone is on the same page now and is aware of my status, with mixed reviews of course. I myself am not sure what I think about it, but am living it out one day at at time.

Had a long talk with Michael on Friday night, and am still processing everything that he told me. We went to dinner on the Plaza and then swung by 303 then back to his house. What an amazing time! It felt good to have him on my arm and simply kiss him on the sidewalk like normal people do. He has so much on his heart at the moment, and I need to be sensitive to all that he is feeling. I am sure it was not easy for him to open up like that. I care so much about him, and only want to see him happy. More on that later, once I get my head and heart wrapped around it. It is good to know that he feels as I do. Happy I am, but tired.

Time to stretch out for a nap, me thinks.

My day...

Woke this morning to the alarm gently nudging me out of sleep with sounds and words. Simply laid there a bit in the sunlight and acclimated myself to the new place and familiar surroundings. I am awake...this is home...oh, yeah! I am Daemon! What is going on here...?

A familiar erection strained up and over the waist band, announcing morning wood and my soon present need to take a leak. But I simply laid there, half covered in cotton and down and waiting for my body to become fully awake. Good morning world...what the hell is going on?

Finally my urgent bladder, coaxed onwards and upwards by my constant water drinkage let me know that NOW...GET UP NOW! Take a piss, ya friggin' idiot! So I rolled over and padded my quiet way to the bathroom. My feet slapped the floor, seeming to echo my lament of another hard dick wasted. Grrr...just don't touch it, or look at it. I think it is mad! I pretty much had to stand on my head to get that thing pointed into the bowl and finally said screw it! I started the shower, full on hot and stepped in as soon as it warmed to my hand touch. Ahhh...relief! So yeah, I piss in the shower. MY shower. Get over it!

After relaxing a bit and scrubbing the sleep and night sweat off of me, I slowly shaved and got my body ready for another day. Not alot of product, but I like a close shave, also in the shower, and re-hydrated my skin. Little deodorant, spray of body wash, face cream, teeth flossed , scrubbed, and mouth wash, Hmmmm...yep! That's me.

I walked on through the bedroom and contemplated what textiles to place on my clean body. Naked felt good, so I skipped the clothes and went on into the kitchen. The timer had started my coffee and I poured a mug and contemplated the morning. Another cold, gray day...hmmm. Coffee is good! After checking the time, I went ahead, slipped on my robe and grabbed the paper. God! That kid has good aim, on the doorstep, every time!

After glancing at the sky and lake, I came back in and began my morning in earnest! Boxers? Nope...briefs today. I can tell just what I need each day. I don't do briefs unless...well I need to contain. And it was a roll it up, put it away, kind of day. It was kind of weird. I didn't jack off in the sun, or the shower. Guess someone else has my full attention, and I kind of like saving those moments for him?

Clad and dressing I moved through my morning, selecting clothing and shoes, wool, denim, leather, cotton, heavy divers watch, stainless steel, silver and tungsten. Kind of an odd mix, but a good one and sure to please the eye and soul. I feel good! "Good morning world!", all of me seemed to say, as the coffee perked me up and I got ready to leave. Just a moment now...sat at the piano and played a bit, Kind of shook the morning fog off and unlimbered the fingers and chops. God! The days when I had to leisure to sit here all day and just play. *sigh, crap, don't be late! Got to have coffee with Justin and discuss the new artwork, possible sculpture for the garden this year?*

Lunch packed, coat on, scarf? Nope. I slipped into the car and took off. Such another morning...though still a bit horny. What's in the stereo? Hmmm...soundtrack to Sex and the City. I can do that!Damn...I love this little beast. Glad I bought it, so much fun and English than the red one...though don't get me wrong. I love him too.

Danced all the way to work...who cares? It's just me!

Work...blah, blah, blah...money...and we're done! Had a good lunch and break. Little sun, a few calls and it was off back to home.

Took a nap...ahhh and woke up hungry and ready for dinner. Oh, crap..it's Thursday. Home group (small group from church, dinner and talking about last weeks message). Slurped some water and vitamins and headed up north. Man the lake looks good today! Can't wait till summer! Woot, Woot! Tan and warm naps, skiing and skinny dipping. Yep...

Home group at the Tuckers. Man, I love this house. Dead animal heads, wood, stone, steel and fire. You can tell that David lives here. So alot of married kids and folk. Talk, talk, talk. Prayer and FOOD! Wow...can they cook?!

Discussed the sermon from Sunday. Heavy stuff. Call to repentance. Makes my head and heart hurt. Read through Psalm 130-142 while ignoring them. David could tell...but amazing stuff to see, feel and read. God! Do you really love me? Or is that just for the good people?!

Snagged a moment to come out to David in his den, amid the guns and stuff. How are we so alike, but so different? He already knew...thanks Mary! :) Let him know about the new class for Pure Heart. Encouraged, loved and numbers exchanged. I love those people and my church. Just had to steer clear of Justin and the other gay guys that they put in our group. I hope good will come of this new found confidence, but I had to pick the most homophobic one...great!

Headed out with intentions to go to IHOP and the prayer room, ended up at the club for just one drink, or two. But glad I was there.

Got tested and a bag full of goodies. Not just the oral swab, mind you, but the full blown panel, blood etc... Kind of weird to fill out that questionnaire again about my "activities" of the last 12 months. Hmmm...2 partners in one year, and one for just a few times. Wow...I sure don't get out much. Guess it was good. Free lube, condoms, a day planner, pens, highlighter and my results in a few days. Wow...so many guys, but they all seem scared of me. Chad says I look like a beautiful, stuck up snob...hmm That makes me sad. I am a nice guy! I just don't need anything. Guess I don't have hungry eyes?

Scared shit less. I know, I am not a man whore...but it only takes one. How well did I know Derek? Is it possible that I don't know Michael all that well? I don't want to screw this one up. I really, really like him. *sigh* I know God, I hear you..but what about my heart?

Drove home on the mist and listened to KLOVE and all the talk of love stories. So sad it was only reserved for str8 guys and gals. I have a love story, a few in fact, but nope. Sod off, ya damn faggot, the church seems to say.

So home, stripped to skivvies, clad in flannel and ouch! My arm hurts where they drew blood. Grrrrr...didn't even stop to piss, though I did warm the oven to cook a snack. And here I am typing away...needing a piss and feeling in my left arm the hurt and ache I felt in my cock and heart this morning.

Guess it's the circle of life.

This should have alot more adjectives...but I really, really need to piss!

Good night!

Date tomorrow night at 7. Dinner out then movie in and a sleep over. Crap, yay, what?!

God help me...






PS: This is the real Daemon. All of the above, but more real. Sorry and thanks!

Uhh...honesty?

Okay kiddos, so here's the deal...

I have done alot of thinking the past few days and realized something.

I have two voices.

The words that I place in my journals (three different ones mind you) are vastly different than those I share on my blog here.

While some of you may protest or argue that I deserve that space and privacy (which I do, of course) I have come to realize through reading a few friends and strangers blogs, that the posts and ideas that most greatly affect me are those that are shared raw, without filters, simply pulled from the rich fertile garden of the mind and then thrown in the copper wash sink to be scrubbed and peeled for dinner.

That being said...I am hoping for a new space here. A place where my real authentic and true self is welcomed. I don't expect much will change initially, but I must have a place to process it all and at least open a bit of myself up to examination and sharing. If I keep sanitizing everything all the time, how will anyone ever get to know me, or at least offer honest insight into what is going on in my life?

So yeah...blunt honesty. (and don't think for a minute that this is going to be some sex filled bullshit fag love story blog either, though that may occur at times) I simply hope and will strive to be my honest, most beautiful self.

Soooooo...here goes!

Wow...

Choked by words

There are so many things on my mind now, but for once, I have a beautiful day to enjoy, and good health, and all the time is mine! Now to fill it with good things, but more on that in a later post. So kiddos, this is how it goes...

I am kind of struggling to find words for all the circumstances and events on my life, but am still going to try to articulate the head space and life place I find myself in.

During the course of my daily activities I read many different threads of input, from the diverse bloggers that I come in contact with, to several newspapers, books and news feeds. All to often I feel my mind is cluttered by so many different channels of input, but since I was a child I desperately hunger for input, any feedback and all that the amazing array of information this world has to offer. I rarely pass judgement on any of it, simply take it all in, process it as it comes to mind and then form my own opinions and ideas based on my reactions and thoughts.

That being said, I still haven't found what I am looking for. I keep seeking for a voice that speaks exactly to that void in my heart and mind, that questioning place that keeps me looking at the stars on cold, clear nights, and eagerly examining the faces of friends and strangers that I encounter each and every day. There are so many questions what fuel my desire for more data, but a few of them are very base and simple. What? Why? Who? You? When? How? Because? Really? Am I okay? Do you love me? Are you him? Is this it? What now?

It is this ever questioning, always questing, interrogative perspective that stimulates my internal intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual seeking. I want peace. I want love. I want to be accepted. I want to be known. I want to know.

I read a good quote today. It said, "Seek first to understand...then to be understood." All to often I get these roles reversed and I spend to much of my time, breath, words and actions on explaining, showing and demonstrating who I am.

Maybe I need to stop, pause and seek to understand first. They will not care who I am till they know that I care. I think my eyes are turned inward and my own self is blocking the view and coloring the world around me into a confusing place of conflicting opinions and view points.

I have two ears, two eyes...but only one mouth. It is time for me to shut it, and start listening. not merely hearing, but truly absorbing it all and bringing my thoughts, desires and wants into some semblance of order. I never deny myself. I never have.

Maybe some self control and discipline, self imposed would be a good thing. How 'bout I don't do everything I want, go everywhere I feel and indulge every single desire that this body and mind feels in a day. Take time to pause.

Be still in fact.

So today I will.

Cease being a Human DOing and try becoming a Human BEing.

...just breathe.