Grateful and Overwhelmed

Today it was good to get home, strip down, scrub the remains of the day away, put some new linen on the bed and get ready for a good night of sleep. Just sitting here grubbin' a bit while I post, but forgot to eat today. Kind of lived on 4 hours sleep, a quad espresso, tall coffee and a random soda. My body craves some carbs and protein. Where to start?

I do not have the time or space at the moment to throw out all the details, but my coffee and conversation this morning with David (mentor, life coach, friend, elder at my church) somehow turned into 4 hours of deep, profound and revealing conversation and sharing. Wow. Um...I actually spoke to him today candidly about my past, holding nothing back. I spoke words about events that I had always believed I would take to my grave with me. Nothing that I can mention here, but in a coffee shop on Johnson Drive, with no one but a trusted new friend and absent barista boy, somehow my life spilled out of my mouth. If it were not for the questions that he asked, I do not think I would have been able to walk through all of those years.

Abuse, neglect, violence, hate, abandonment, fear, despair, shame, guilt, scars, tears.

Hope, love, sharing, peace, relationships, family, siblings, boyfriends, partners, hope.

From childhood right up to this day, not in delving intricate words, but in wide swaths, laying bare the truth of my life, as sordid and beautiful as it has been at times. What a feeling to be known!

And the things that he shared about formation, design, intention, purpose. I have never had such a candid conversation with a authority and friend in the whole of my life. Somehow trust just happened? Think not...it was God.

And somehow I don't feel ashamed or exposed. I feel peace, to simply know that a trusted confidant, friend and pastor KNOWS me and is going to help me walk where I should be. Why would he care?

So yeah, same page, same story, no secrets, no regrets. Maybe more later as I think and explore those words and thoughts.

After noon...two hours with my Dad...talking about many of the things I spoke with David about. I wonder what made Dad cry? Good times...so tender to share exactly what is on my heart, my fears, my confusion, my questions and answers that I am seeking out. I love you, Dad!

Tonight was chemical lab trials and tests...so many tests...brain dead! Called Michael, pizza and a movie tomorrow night, since the weekend is shot. So many different thoughts about all that now? I was challenged today to be open to the POSSIBILITY that there is change and freedom. I wasn't called to leave relationships, made to suffer shame or humiliation, set apart or condemned for my current state of life, bashed for being confused or hurt for not having the right answer.

I was challenged in love to come to Christ, seek forgiveness and find rest in HIS arms. While I may be dating two guys...only ONE made me.

Kind of puts things in perspective? How He loves us...how He loves me.

Shopped a bit tonight for a down coat and jeans for Dad...he is always so cold in the winter. Got those boxed and wrapped for tomorrow. I hope he loves 'em...just know he will look good in 'em! My heart is full...my mind is empty...my body is tired and I will stretch out and crash now.

Just wanted ya'll to know that love is in the air and peace is being found. It hurts, yes...but it's good. G'nite all and much thanks for prayers. More words later when my brain recovers...this Red Bull kicked my ass!