What do you do, when your faith does not match your practice? When what you believe in your heart and head is not in symmetry or in line with what you actually live? That place where you are torn right down the middle? The rough spot in your road? That fork between, the disconnect?
That is where I am at this morning.
I "know" what is right, by others standards. The things that they tell me.
But...
I also know how I feel and am.
Is this how David felt about Jonathan? Or Paul about Timothy? I doubt it, but I am searching for a parallel line in my life. Something to hang my heart on. I think that I must love "me" more than Him.
I cannot be less than myself. Each day I am bringing myself and my expression closer together, Self-actualization is not easy or simple.
But...
My life is matching my being.
This is who I am.
This is what I do.
Is it time for a change?
You definitely MUST love yourself before Him!
ReplyDeleteIt's not selfishness... it's rather self appreciation and confidence.
Take care of yourself!
Daemon,
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for the past week, trying to fill in the missing pieces of your experience. It feels a little like turning on a movie mid-way through and trying to figure out who the different characters are. So I'm going to ask a question that may have been answered by you somewhere else here. If you want to replay that'd be swell. If not, I'll still follow and try and get a sense of your journey. So here goes: has anyone every told you that you can be gay, have sexual relationships with men, love Jesus, exhibit the fruits of the Spirit and offer your life to God's glory? Or is it an either or situation: either I can be gay/sexual/happy or I can be a gay/Christian/unhappy?
Actually praying for you!
Paul
I hope that one day you come to realize that who you are and faith can be congruent. But that's a journey that takes time.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement guys. I am just at a strange place in life.
ReplyDeleteI never had this conflict before I found God and do not know what to make of it right now.
How much of it is me and what part of it is simply other peoples input has yet to be determined.
Peace to you all.
Daemon
And peace to you as well, my brother.
ReplyDeleteI hope I don't start a heated argument here, but I have to say that I disagree with some of what the previous commenters believe or seem to be implying. For one, I do believe that homosexual behavior is never part of God's plan. I don't really have the time or energy to debate this here, and people have done plenty of debating this topic elsewhere, so I hope those who disagree with me won't just try to start an argument. I also know, and the Bible does teach, that "who I am" is a human being: a person corrupted by the Fall and original sin. If I always followed my feelings and what my heart told me, I would fall to a multitude of sins, and certainly not just in a sexual realm. For example, I struggle with pride and the desire to maintain a good "image" of myself, which must be resisted. Also, I know I need to be caring to the poor and less fortune, but in my busy life I often avoid doing what I should. So belief and practice disagreeing is something that happens to every believer, not just those struggling with sexuality. You are certainly not alone!
ReplyDeleteI think that "love yourself before Him," with the understanding that Him refers to God, is just about the worst advice possible. The only way to overcome the effect of the Fall on our lives is to follow hard after Jesus, working personally and in community towards living a life pleasing to Him. That doesn't mean it will be easy or there will be no struggle, but that's what following Jesus looks like on a daily basis.
I don't think that denying our sinful desires, whatever sin they may be towards, implies that we hate ourselves or will be unhappy. In fact, I find it mildly offensive that Paul suggests "gay and not sexual" implies "unhappy." Although as a person attracted to both sexes in my early 20s it's far too easy for me to say this, I don't find that singleness leads to unhappiness in my life. More seriously, I know other people like Karen K. and Jay who live reasonably happy, blessed lives without sex. It's certainly possible, although not without difficulties. And I think the recognition of ourselves as a broken creation, stumbling towards perfection with God's help, is just being realistic and doesn't imply any sort of unhealthy self-hatred.
But anyway, I see God working in your life, and I'll be praying for you!
just to clarify: Daemon, are you worried that what you believe has just been handed down to you, and that it's not your own?
ReplyDeleteIf you're resting your faith of who Jesus is on the statements and comments of other people, I'd encourage you to do what many of them have done, and study the word.
Not in an effort to make it say what you want it to say.
Not to find a place to justify or condemn an action.
But from a heart that is seeking truth (not relative beliefs or mushy concepts), SEEK the truth in Scripture. You don't need to be spoon-fed convictions by others.
You know what I'd rather you do than listen to any of our convictions? Dig for yourself, In SCRIPTURE. I don't know how much time you spend immersed in the Word of God, but you won't find foundation and purpose apart from it. Then test what you find in there against our lives, and see for yourself who's living the life God desires for us.
If you don't root yourself in the Word, you're gonna have this conflict of "finding yourself" apart from the Bible for the rest of your life... and you will never have lasting peace. You'll have good days, and months where everything "makes sense"... Until presented with a thought or statement that contradicts what you've set up as your belief system.
Jesus knows you better than you know you.
Go to His Word if you really want the truth.
"On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand"
(PS: I agree with you Neo... Just wanted to encourage you.)
Sorry if I've caused offense, particularly to Neo, by implying that happiness is necessarily contingent on being sexually active. I am fully aware, both in my experience and in that of certain of my friends, that happiness can be achieved irrespective of one's sexual activity. I can see how, given the terseness of my post, that conclusion might be drawn. I simply mean to invite consideration of my experience that same-sex, physical, intimacy is a blessing from God. My experience is also that some in the church insist on rejecting this belief. Further, my experience tells me that an absolute rejection of same-sex, physical, intimacy grieves the Holy Spirit. I am trying to see where the Spirit is leading you, Daemon, in your life and how I may continue to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteYou're forgiven, Paul, and thanks for clarifying. I probably jumped to conclusions too quickly reading your post as well.
ReplyDeleteI suspect many of our most fundamental disagreements come from the fact that I would tend to weight scripture over experience when there seems to be a contradiction, whereas you weight experience more heavily, from the fact that you keep citing "my experience" for your conclusions. Of course, it's hard to ascertain people's motives from short comments on a blog, so feel free to correct me if I have mischaracterized what you've said again. ;-) I'm sure you've also been convinced by the arguments over the meanings of the relevant scripture passages. I've read arguments from quite a few people who agree with your view - Rik Brentliger, Justin Lee, and Mel White, just to name a few. However, I have not found them convincing, especially compared to the responses from more conservative commentators such as Rob Gagnon, Stanton Jones, and Peter Ould. (Not to say that I agree with any of these commentators 100% necessarily, but I happen to have found their responses to pro-gay theology more convincing than the pro-gay theology I've read.) I just don't have near the time it would take to have a productive discussion about the specifics of interpreting different passages, which is why I was afraid of getting into an argument here. I also find it pointless if people just argue and aren't willing to learn from each other, but a discussion amongst people who disagree can be productive.
But in short, I can't call physical same-sex intimacy a "gift from God" when I am convinced that the Scriptures call it sin. I have to reject it absolutely, as I would anything else I am convinced is sinful, regardless of what kinds of visible damage it does or doesn't do to a person's life, and can't consider that rejection "grieving the Holy Spirit" while maintaining consistency with my other beliefs. I am curious how one can know *from experience* that something "grieves the Holy Spirit."
I do know that there are several places in Scripture where people question why the wicked prosper and the righteous suffer. So I am skeptical of calling a behavior "not sinful" just because we can't see it's harmful repercussions (and I will readily admit that there often aren't obvious harmful repercussions for same-sex sexual intimacy) when I can't convince myself that Scripture doesn't condemn such behavior.
Anyway, I'm posting this with the intention of bringing about understanding, not being argumentative. I'll try to give you the benefit of the doubt and interpret others' posts as following the same spirit unless given reason to believe otherwise.
Damon.
ReplyDeleteAs Christians, we find our identity in Christ and the incredible gift that He has given us. So, essentially, saying that you are having trouble reconciling God and "who you are" means that they are not the same thing and that your identity is not from Christ. Seems logical to me--but then, having one tiny window into your life is hardly an accurate representation of the whole story. Correct me if i'm wrong.
Love you, Damon. I agree w/ diakonos--get into Scripture and seek truth in His Word! That's the most important thing of all. It's where your answers will be.
After Michael's post, I should clarify that I do agree fully that we should find our identity in Christ. I realized that in my first post, it sounds like I'm advocating identifying with our sinful nature, which is not good. What I meant to get across, but maybe did poorly, was that we are still contending with the flesh, which is fallen and sinful, despite our very real identity as a new (or "Neo," hence my psuedonym) creation in Christ. But ultimately, we should identify ourselves with Christ, whose image we are being conformed to. I don't know if anyone actually misunderstood that from my first post, but it would be easy to do so, so I just want to be clear.
ReplyDeleteYa'll have alot of words to say. Some of you should start writing!
ReplyDeleteI know that I would read 'em.
Thanks for all the input...it really does help me in all of this.
Love ya,
Daemon