Waiting for Dawn

Up way too late, sitting here, feet up listening to Enya sing "Only Time" into my ears from the headphones that have kept me company since you went to bed. Today will be another 24 hours like the last, but completely different. Yesterday was filled with work and activity. The evening brought shared space and time with a guy I truly care about.

Running around town searching for that movie that you just had to have for the weekend. How many places did we go? Problem solved man! That is just what I do. Don't think that I didn't take note of you reaching over and unlocking my car door for me. That means something where I come from.

Simple night after work, just hanging out, watching movies, grabbing some pizza and wings and talking about life. What is going on here? How did we find ourselves at this place? Did this all really start with "hello"? We both know it did. That and you getting me some ice for my hand.

Who are we to each other? Why are we defining the friendship or relationship by the labels that others place on us? What will this weekend hold with your old friends from far away meeting your new friends, me, and this you that you have created here? I know that you are nervous and are really excited...but if they didn't love you, why would they come? You know they love you.

Yesterday, last night and today was filled with good things. I actually did not do or say anything for that 24 hour period of time that brings regret, conviction or guilt. Thanks to both of us for communicating where we are and respecting each others boundaries. Could we really be friends? I think we need to sit and enjoy this space we are at. Definition and time will bring clarity.

Another yawn splits my face and I sense the tired in my body, but also know you are asleep and need your rest. I enjoy your company. Like I said the first time we hung out. You make me smile.

So where comes the conflict?

Are these restrictions or ideas something we are allowing others to place on us? Are our boundaries being set up for self protection or as a way to move more slowly than we were? Are we moving? I would not mind staying right where we are for awhile, though other parts of me reflect some of the desires I see in you. What were we tonight? Who will we be tomorrow? And what will they think about me?

That is what worries me. They know you, your past, your other life and who you were "with". And now, I am going to be measured and judged by criteria that I am not even aware of. How do I measure up? Does their opinion matter so much?

I know that I make you smile too. You are safe with me. I protect and provide . I will take care of you. Seeing you love Fallon shows me that you are a good man. So gentle, so strong.

Dancing in the kitchen is always an option...you know that. I don't even mind when you stand on my feet. Thanks for watching out for me.

For all the simple things.

For looking both ways when I cross the street.

For being on my arm, when I need to support and for showing me new things about the world and myself each and every day.

You know my conflicts and what we both are trying to figure out. How does one re-capture their heart to give yet again when another has claim to it? That is something we are both wrestling with in our own ways. We both know that as humans, as guys, we cannot love two people at once...not the right way.

Thank you for reminding me of this.

Thank you for being here with me.

Thank you for being you, with me.

So what brings the morning? I know that you have to get to the airport and that your house still has a list of things to do and be done. A great time you all are going to have! I will be out of the way and will see you on Saturday when you come in. My phone will always be on, just like you asked.

Call when you need to, if you have to, or even if you just want to. But you know that. :)

I like how your eyes crinkle, slash and gleam when you smile. Your knowing looks. How your hands always capture and hold mine. I am going to shut up now.

I tell you it all, all of the time.

Please understand when I don't know what I am doing. I am searching, as we all are, for that security, that home, that peace, that place.

Thanks for sharing my tears, those deep sighs and strong long hugs. I like what is being built here. Let's do what we can, with what we have, where we are. No more...no less.