Friday, August 2, 2013


I wish I had something great to say here, but tonight, I really don't feel like I do. Something still compels me to at least get some words our, even if only to make a little sense of all the thoughts, feelings and questions whirling around in my head.

Yes, life has been busy and I am realizing that I need to take a break from the manic pace I have been setting for myself. I completely get that mentally, but it still has not sunk in. Today I took a look at my benefits form and saw all the hours of accrued vacation from this past year and had a hopeful wish that I could use it but, to be honest, I am not sure what I would do even if I did just walk away for a while.

I had high hopes for this summer. Lots of different plans for little trips and getaways. Sometimes with friends possibly, and others only with myself. I never planned them besides the occasional wistful musing. I didn't get away and now today I find myself in August. Where does time go when life gets so busy? Am I somehow hiding in work and activity in an effort to quiet some of the things inside myself I am a scared to face? That is a complete possibility. I know I have withdrawn from life as much as I humanly can.

I cannot hide from myself.

This morning I woke up and as I went through my morning routine, a question came to me. I stopped shaving and I looked as deep into my own eyes as I could.

"What am I looking forward to?"

Followed immediately by,

"Why am I even here?"

That is all I have right now.

Those are two questions I would like to answer.



  1. I'm taking my first week-long vacation in two years starting this afternoon. You should take some time for yourself and do some traveling. It's good for the soul.

  2. It is pretty clear that you need to shake things up, get out of the rut that you are in.