Monday, August 29, 2011

Cold Star

A boy experiences new desires while watching a man at an indoor swimming pool. Forced up the  diving platform by a rowdy gang he receives unexpected help.

A mesmerizing short film about bullying, tolerance and sexuality. While initially unsettling to me, I also found it intriguing and inspirational.

One person CAN make a difference to many.

Coming Out: Davey Wavey Uncut

Friday, August 26, 2011

What am I here for?

Well, that last post of the silly gym sign ended up being my 500th post! Rather anti-climactic I guess, but then I do not place much import on numbers. I have had much going on but very little desire to blog about it. I was asked by a friend of mine, David, why my blog posts lately have not reflected what we have been talking about in real life. I replied that I did not want to give my detractors more personal information with which they could attack me with but I have realized that was a bull shit excuse. I have just been scared to be honest about the reality of the conflict I have been involved in and have felt that if I wrote about them here I would look bad. I would have to eat my words about how "good" my life is and no one enjoys being wrong or looking like an idiot.

Some things ARE good right now and those are the things that I mainly share, but by ignoring the bad/different I am not finding any answers to the questions and situations that I do not understand. Now granted, I can't change overnight the way I communicate about my life but I can be more transparent, not only for my therapy but also in hopes of receiving feedback and advice from the different people who find there way here.

Now...I know my ideas and questions will not be popular and I will catch a lot of flack from both sides, but when it comes to matter of faith and orientation I am really swimming in deep waters here. If you are offended by what I have to say, I am sorry. Don't read it. If you feel that you are the sole holder of what you consider "truth" you can also kindly take a walk. This is my actual life we are talking about and no cliche or pat answer from you or some professional "christian" is going to solve my problems or make me feel better. Go blow smoke up someone else's ass.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way, maybe I can hold onto my train of thought enough to get some words down. I hope so...

Church right now is confusing the hell out of me. I have been attending a new church, which I was invited to and have really enjoyed my months there. I was growing unhappy at my first church and didn't really feel like I was plugged into the community. I was kind of the token gay guy and a lot of it seemed like social justice and a place for young people to meet, feel cool about themselves, kind of talk about some God stuff and get married. Yeah...marriage was like the main goal it seemed like. That and being an urban hipster. I love my peeps there for sure, but since I have not been back (mind you I was there for a few years and really involved in activity) for literally 3 months, not one has called or commented about it. Literally when I run into them around the city, they still think I go there. Shows how much I matter.

Anyway, at the new church, I really dig what is being taught and how welcome and loving the whole group has been from the pastors on down. The pastors have even had me over to their house, met for coffee, actually take an interest in me and all of us as a community. The group of guys I have met have quickly become a large part of my social life and we do good stuff and talk all the time about what is going on in our lives spiritually. I have been out as a gay christian since day one and have yet to run into some weird or off response. Def not your usual church.

That being said, I can't get a str8 answer on what they think about homosexuality AND I still kind of have no idea what I think either. I seemed to dangle and sway between two places. Anything goes when the whistle blows and God made me this way OR the crazy crap that some people believe. (ie Fundamentalism, abomination, hell, yeah) Sad thing is, since I grew up being force fed that junk by different authorities, part of me still kind of sublimates it and believes. So what the heck? I know it should only matter what I believe, but I don't even know that on a day to day basis. Where does this church stand? My pastors answer was honest at least, he said he doesn't really know. I know that I am loved there and welcomed not only to attend but also lead and be involved. That means a lot to me, espec during this confusing time.

Now this is the part where people jump in and start telling me what they think about homosexuality and the Bible, and I kind of want them to. If you have more hate to spew, I'd rather not read that or if you think I am called to a life of celibacy, you are one crazy mofo. Read that Bible again, freal.

Okay, church makes me crazy but I like it. What should I do/think/feel?

Next topic: James. We are no longer together. File that one under un-reconcilable differences, namely faith incompatability. Sucks... but that's life. Of course I am hurt, bewildered and confused, but I am not getting into that right now. I actually have met another guy and we have been hanging out some. We are not dating, just having a good time and being friends. I think I am done with dating for a while. These last two relationships have been amazing but have ended for much of the same reasons and they both hurt. If there is anything I have learned is that there is always someone to date. I am sure they can keep till I figure me out again. You know my life was a lot easier before God came along and screwed everything up.

So basically I feel like crap sometimes and when I do, I go out and party alot. Drink till I can't remember a thing in the morning. This has become more frequent and quite frankly it embarrasses me to admit it. Something has to give. My church guys have seen me this way and it's not been cool. Either I am an emotional wreck about stuff or freaking ecstatic and happy sometimes all within hours of each other. What the hell is wrong with me?

I keep looking for love and keep finding sex. I want a good Christian guy, but that never seems to happen. I want to understand church and what God wants for my life but I can't seem to find answers. I am tired of people trying to fix me. I am not a damn project. My real friends who have been there for me over and over happen to be gay and no, they are not Christians, but they have been there for me when all the Christians have headed for the hills. I am learning most guys who believe in God are total flakes. Why is that so?

Oh, and if you come here trying to post ex-gay crap, I will flip the fuck out. I mean that. Sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here. You know its a load of horseshit, deep down in your heart and so do I. I tried to buy that lie right after I believed in God and was really, really hurt when "christian" people tried to fuck with my head. I am so thankful I got away from them and didn't drink their stupid kool-aid.

So yeah, working my tail off, getting more involved in church, good friends, confused as hell about life, recently sort of single but not really and wondering what in the world I am alive for. There has to be more to life than just making money and buying stuff. Right? I need some answers. I don't have it all together and I am certainly not finding it wasting my free time in bars. So there, I'll shut up now. I just wish I knew what the hell was going on and that I could stop feeling guilty for being alive all the time.


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

How to tell you're at the wrong gym...

We could have used this sign at my high

Random Funny Crap

The Boy Scout Pledge

I Solemnly Swear,/Never to tell the Scoutmaster./Never to tell the others. Never to let such/Knowledge leave this tent, Never to acknowledge you/Again, Never to tighten your handkerchief again, Never to/Look in your eyes again, Never to race soapbox derby in/The sand with you again, Never to read Whitman as you/Cuddle till you sleep, Never to creep, carefully to the lake/With you again, Never to take wildflowers/To your tent again, Never to cry for you again, Never to tie/Knots in each other’s hair,/Never to breathe your air,/Never to touch your inner thigh,/Never to catch your stare./Never to be two boys together, clinging./Never to dare.

~Michael Glatze

Monday, August 22, 2011

Plato on DADT

 From Plato’s Symposium,
wherein the character Phaedrus remarks,

“And if there were only some way of contriving that a state or an army
should be made up of lovers and their loves, they would be the very best governors of their own city, abstaining from all dishonour, and emulating one another in honour; and when fighting at each other’s side, although a mere handful, they would overcome the world . For what lover would not choose rather to be seen by all mankind than by his beloved, either when abandoning his post or throwing away his arms? He would be ready to die a thousand deaths rather than endure this . Or who would desert his beloved or fail him in the hour of danger?"

Thursday, August 18, 2011


Being ill the last week certainly has me in a strange frame of mind. My time each day is split between sleeping and work which leaves little time for life as usual. Each day I roll out of bed around 3 am and hopping into a steaming hot shower desperately try to clear my lungs and eyes of all the gunk that comes with this particular bug. My brain normally boots up and is operating at speed in about 30 minutes and now it is taking me about 2 hours to accomplish the same task. Part of it is the sickness and the other portion is the weird, lingering effects of the medicine my doc prescribed for the congestion and cough. It has to be some kind of dis-associative because I feel severely disconnected and out of it for hours, even after a dose has worn off. I cannot say that I am a fan, though I cannot argue with the steady but slow improvement of my symptoms. I never knew one could feel so sore and bruised from coughing and sleeping! My back and neck need some serious attention, stat!

The oddness of this week has been compounded by the sudden stillness and quiet of my social life. Sure, I understand that I am hibernating all of my free time, but my home phone, cell phone, email and even snail mail have suddenly become eerily without a sound, voice mail, text, message or even letters. It is as if without my proactive involvement in others lives has made me invisible to my friends and family? Matt and Lucas are in Washington D.C on vacation together and school is starting for many friends that attend and teach, so that I can understand. But what of my family, my close friends, church friends, all the guys who I hang with on a weekly basis? Maybe I am worrying for nothing, but I can't help but wonder if I matter. I know this med/sick stuff is playing with my emotions but it still has me in a bit of a slump. I is lonely.

This weekend is looking to be crazy busy. Work of course, all day every day, and then Ryan's B-day party at the Foundry with the JW crew, then Mick's going away party at 303 all on Saturday night after a 12 hour work day. Other note of concern: I asked a friend Jeff to come to the parties with me. Figured he would like to meet some more of my friends and see a bit of my life and I am getting the feeling that he thinks that this is a "date". Nothing firm in my head, just the way he talks about it and the tone of his texts. I certainly did not ask him on a date and I am not really sure if he understands the situation I am currently in with James. I do need to get that straightened out before Saturday night, or I might have all kinds of awkwardness on my hands. *sigh*

The one ray of hope is that "in theory" I am supposed to have all day Sunday off for church and hanging with friends without worrying about recipes, kitchens, my staff or planning menus and events. This is contingent of course on me finding someone to cover all of Andy's shifts but Bill (my GM) said that he would help with some muscle to get it done. We shall see...

Speaking of awkward, I had to work with Zachary all day today. Not sure if I blogged about it but long story short, he is one of my kitchen guys who came onto me via text, out of the blue. Like graphic, sexual stuff that I would NEVER have expected from a young str8 guy like him, with a girlfriend, no less. I felt I had dealt with that firmly and politely by addressing our current relationships, the inappropriateness of the workplace, my status as his boss, the disparity in age and a whole host of other things that popped into my head, after I considered sleeping with him. For the next few weeks he was pretty quiet and kind of spooked around me but has now reverted back to his normal playful antics, just with a layer of sexual tension slathered on top. He continues to invade my space, tease me and generally make me uncomfortable. Is it harassment if part of me likes the attention and still entertains foolish thoughts about hooking up with him?

One of the reasons I have kind of spelled it out here and to other close friends of mine is to provide some accountability for myself and to get feedback on how to handle the whole mess. I know me. I am a dog and if I didn't give a shout out I know what easily could happen and how bad it all could go for us both. I did NOT need something like this to deal with. I do find him attractive and in a different place, with a vastly different set of circumstances, sure...I'd nail him. I think we may need to have another conversation about this. Not going to be fun at all. I really do like the guy, I just cannot afford the distraction and tension.

Riffing off of that, what did you think of that short film? A friend shared it with me and it kind of played into a lot of what I have experienced in life, both at school, at college, in the Navy and now. There are a lot of guys who have sex with guys who do not consider themselves bisexual or gay, at least how we define it here in the United States. They prefer to live in the gray areas of sexuality and be with whomever they are with or find attractive, regardless of plumbing. I slept with a lot of them growing up. It was never that confusing for me but I wonder what their world view is on love, relationship and romance. How do they define themselves to themselves?

Are they truly more free or open minded than even I am? I consider myself defined as a gay guy. This is the only orientation I have ever experienced in my life. I am emotionally (most important) and physically attracted to other males. I do not and have never desired a relationship or sex with a girl. Unlike some of my friends, I do not think I am even open to that idea not on any count, physically or romantically. In my life, I habitually have encountered guys who just live without labels. They consider themselves as heterosexuals (in theory) and expect to fall in love and raise families with females but still are heteroflexible enough, that given the right circumstances, with the right guy, have no problem with sex with another guy, At least in the moment. The aftermath can get odd at times.

I saw this a lot growing up. Hell, I even participated in it. My school and group of friends from sports and church was rife with it and much of that I chalk up to normal sexual experimentation and exploring boundaries. But now, as adults...where does it fit? Why is it not talked about, if ever? It is kind of an unwritten and unplanned story line that enacts itself over and over in the lives of different guys. You have a moment, something sparks/rushes/hits/ happens, one guy makes a move and it's on. (and no, it wasn't always me!)

Call me weird, but I still cherish and find something beautiful to it all. The experiences I have had with my str8 friends over the years have been some of the most eye opening and self revealing intimate glimpses of myself and someone else. I guess I am just kicking it around in my head, trying to make something fit when it really cannot be defined.

Does it even need to be?

It is what it is.

Well, I am staying in tonight to rest. I have new, crisp sheets for my bed, just out of the laundry. Some Chai is brewing on the stove. I ate some soup and took my meds and I think after a nice hot shower and shave, I am going to turn in. Here's to feeling much better in the morning. :)

I told you this would be random...right up there!


Thirteen minutes

A post regarding this topic will follow shortly. :)


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Listening :)


An interesting test:  For three days, do not call, text or email the people in your life who you consider your friends and family. See who responds. Profit.

Feeling a bit better today in heart, mind and body. Work went well and just returned home but it was a bit bitter sweet. One of my guys who really works hard and is a lot of fun to be with suddenly quit without warning or notice today. Andrew, your smile and that crazy mo-hawk will be missed. Best of luck to you in all your next endeavors.

Random note: may be joining a gay Rugby Club here in KC (the Carnivores) to play this next season. Kind of interested and excited? More news on that this fall.

Prolly going to take a nap and get some cleaning done around the house. A lot on my mind, but nothing worth sharing as of yet. Still kind of kicking around some stuff that came up over the last few days. Until I know what's up, I'll keep my mouth shut.


Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Just finished a dinner of home made vegetable soup with crackers and a few thick slices of sharp, cheddar cheese. Now to steep some hot chai tea with milk and sugar and make ready for bed.

As of last evening, I am now officially sick. Some type of head/chest congestion, deep cough, fever, back/neck feels like someone took a bat to it, kind of thing. Woke up this morning for work feeling less than stellar, I can assure you that. I was like...waaaaaaat? I don't have time in my life for this crap!

Today's cooking adventure kicked my ass. 'Nuff said. The next two days will be the same. For joy... FU New York Yankees Fan Club! FU staying at my hotel! FU getting up super early and eating like Ham Beasts! Pretty much FU!

Came home from work today and just sacked out for about 5 hours. Got up and stumbled around the kitchen making myself some soup and am now getting ready to take some meds and crash back into bed. Missed the dinner at Stephen's tonight, but he understood. Hopefully will be back on my feet by the weekend. Three different parties to attend. A friends B-day at the Foundry, Mick's going away party at 303(going to miss him and his husband so much) and something else I can't seem to remember at the moment. Whatever it is, I am sure some one will remind me.

I am the type of guy who when I get sick, I just hibernate till I am better. And speaking of that, good night. Put away the soup for me and do my dishes, please? Kai...thanks.


Monday, August 15, 2011

You'll be in my heart... :)

Sure...the song is a little cheesy and the movie was crap, but it still makes me smile. :)



Sleep left me at three this morning and I rolled over while my brain tried to boot up and match reality with my body. The need to pee was loud but morning wood and the scraps of a slipping away dream conspired to keep me tangled up in my sheets and pillows for just a few moments longer. The alarm that I had forgotten to turn off snicked quietly on and for a while I just laid on my back, sprawled out with my hands clasped behind my head and enjoyed the music and quiet dark of my room.

A day off. :)

I finally rolled my feet onto the bare wood floor and padded my way to the bathroom without the aid of any light. Water fell into water and my morning started with a contented sigh. Slipped through the darkened house in the quiet and poured myself a glass of chilled water while the light from the refrigerator cast my shadow over the counter top as the cool air twisted and tickled around my bare ankles. Water in. Much better. Sometimes I say "Ahh..." loudly and smack my lips after a good drink.

This was one of those drinks. :)

After throwing on a pair of boxers, I went outside and sat  spread legged on my porch and waited for the sun to come up. It was still early so after sitting awhile listening to the sounds of my neighborhood I came back inside. Got my coffee brewing, caught up on my texts and emails and put together a simple shopping list for the grocery store. I probably will do some laundry today and clean up the house a bit. Nothing crazy, just the odds and ends that get missed when life gets busy.

Ventured back outside to the most amazing sight and light. As the sun is coming up, the whole sky is painted in gentle pinks, glowing purple, a hint of green and some amazing shades of blue. The diffused glow from the unrisen sun made all the colors in the trees, lawn and gardens seem surreal and almost dream like. It literally was so beautiful I had to sit down on the porch and simply breathe it in with my eyes. Moments of beauty rarely coincide with time to appreciate them. It is only when I stop and be present that they can sink into my soul and make me appreciate life and the humanity of existence. I wish I would have captured that sky this morning, not only to share it with you, but to save it for another day when life brings me shades of gray.

After checking the weather I decided to put the top up on the car. Forty percent for thunderstorms is certainly worth heeding. I will take a shower soon and begin my day in earnest but wanted to take even a moment to simply jot a few thoughts down before life sped up again.

Sitting and breathing.


Today is a good day.


Saturday, August 13, 2011

Sleep is good...

Wow. Slept for twelve hours. Was seriously beat, I guess? All that soccer and frsibee did me in, just took a day for it to catch up with me. Waking up now and about ready to tip my first cup of coffee of the day. My body feels good, though a little tight. Might need to run though my stretching twice this morning after I shower. Weather report looks amazing and I have a pretty light day at work. Should be out of there by 11:30 or so and then will head into the city to catch lunch with the guys at YJ's. I love that, nom, nom! I wanna try their new cookies. They look amaaaaaazing!

I really like how when I flex my legs really hard the kind of do that vibrate and shake thing and then my toes all pop. That feels really good! brain is not awake yet. Be right back...

Mucho bettero! Not sure physiologically what stretching out does for me but I sure like how it feels. I really need to get all my flexibility back. I remember when I was playing sports in school and in the Navy, I could stand straight up and then bend over and lay my forehead on my kneecaps. That is a good goal again, I think?

Nothing heavy weighing on my head today. Checked the budget for this month and I am right on track, even with the extra expenses of summer that one can never seem to plan for. I think today is going to be another great day!

Funny thing about the weekends when you work in the service industry, the day it is really doesn't seem to matter. Monday and Tuesdays have now turned into "my" weekend and everything else is just a split between work and play. I need to remember to drop my books off at the library later.

Got a new CD yesterday(Bare Naked Ladies)...I know, I should really convert everything over to MP3 and all the new crap out there, but for some reason I drag my feet when it comes to learning and using new technology. I am a closet Luddite, or at least that is what Stephen calls me. I really dig this music though. Good stuff for sure! I think this will be the soundtrack to my day.

It is Geoff's b-day today, so have to make sure I get by and drop his card and gift off at the party. It is hard to believe we have been friends for over ten years now! Where does time go? He has always been there for me and I really treasure sharing life with him. I hope he knows how much he is loved by all of us. I have never met a person more generous with his time, life and resources. God knows how many scrapes he has helped me out of and what a constant friend he is. Love ya, Geoff and Merry Birthmas Dai!

Welp, time to trim my hair and hop in the shower. Sorry I don't have the time to address some more of the serious things I am processing right now, but it will come. Life is going well and I am taking each day as it comes but also keeping a careful eye on my future. Change is afoot to be sure. Hope you are all doing well and finding the things in life that you seek. Ciao!


Thursday, August 11, 2011


Last night I sat and stared at the Moon. My ears, snugged into my Headcandy Aviators, kept all the sounds of others at bay while seeping into my mind the sounds and sentiments of my choosing.

Seated at a large marble table for twelve, I carefully penned pages trying to capture all that has transpired since I last cracked open that well worn journal that is always carried with me in my pack.

People, families, lovers, children and dogs came and went and I watched the world meet around me, lost in the reverie of my own private thoughts and musings.

Sitting there, I realized...I am happy.

 This life I am building has left me in the center of contentment. The things to be thankful for would fill more words and space that I could place here.

It is well with my soul.

Woke up this morning after sleeping in a bit for me. Working as a Chef has turned my schedule on its head, so rolling over in bed sleepily to find it 7 am felt like high noon to me. Shot, showered and shaved and packed my back pack with the few things I would need for a day off, dropped the top and hit the road. Drove out past the lake district and stopped in at the shop for an oil change and tune up. The sun is out and the weather has broke to a beautiful 70 degrees or so. My favorite maintenance  guy was at the dealership, so while he tended to my car, we shot the shit and caught up on life. Grabbed a bottle of water and headed back out.

Driving into the city I never hit a red light. 16 green lights in a row! That is a personal record and had me grinning from ear to ear like a little boy who just discovered his dick. LOL  :) Hit the coffee shop and got to flirt a bit with my long time crush there. He always has my coffee waiting for me when he sees me zip into my parking space. Got to love that!

Read a few chapters in my new book and headed over to the Bunker to check out Nixon's new 51-30 watches and some Pumas. Picked out some more new kicks and decided to take a pause on a new time piece. Little stiff on the price, though Jakob did offer me his employee discount. Might have to take him up on that in a few weeks? He knocked my sneaks down to 40 bucks with tax so that sent me down the sidewalk in style and with a little spry bounce in my step.

Wandered over through the shops in Westport and wiled a few hours browsing and visiting with all the local business owners. "Yes, I will take a scone and have some tea! Is this a new piece? I love it. That new Motoguzzi is one nice machine. Feels good between my legs. Always wanted a cafe racer...but no, can't take him for a spin. Sorry, have to head downtown."

Swung down to UnionStation and waited for Stephen to come on out for lunch. We zoomed over the the 39th Street Corridor and treated him there to some Po's. Bubble tea, spring rolls, crab rangoon, Emperors's dumplings, chicken Lo Mein and some lettuce wraps later we were happy. He needed to talk, so I just sat there and listened. Was good for both of us. I love that guy.Ran him back to Hallmark and he headed in to finish his day a little reluctantly.

Decided to swing by the club and have some iced tea on the patio with Jeromy and Austin. Lazy sunny day for a bit and then headed over to the park to throw some Frisbee and play some pick up soccer. Shirts and skins FTW! :) My eyes were just as full as my stomach and heart. There are some beautiful guys in this world for sure. We all stretched out under the trees and just watched the clouds blow by after we got tuckered out. Those kind of talks are the best and yes, I kept my eyes to myself...for the most part! Once I cooled down in the shade I decided to head on home for a nap and that is where ya find me now, typing a few words before I  take a quick shower and stretch out on some new cotton sheets. Then I will  simply let sleep fold me up for a few hours in the cool darkness of my bedroom with the AC blowing softly over me.

I like this.


Monday, August 8, 2011

Letting someone in.

"A man's heart may have a secret sanctuary where only one person may enter, but it is full of little anterooms which are seldom vacant." ~Helen Rowland

Last evening, as I drove home from my friend Lucas' loft downtown, I watched a summer thunderstorm roll across the plains from the West. The lightening and clouds were an amazing display of power and beauty and for once, I did not turn the stereo on and distract my mind and heart from the inner dialogue and provoking musings that are always running deep below the surface of my life. The air conditioning kept the heat at bay and the only sounds were the gentle growl of the engine and soothing hum of tired on pavement as my little car ate up the miles willingly and without complaint.

In life I have always been moving, seeking, exploring. The days and years that have brought smiles to my face have always involved my hunger for adventuring the the wander lust that I seem to have been born with. The new horizon and next place have been a sirens call for me ever since I was a child. To see a place I have never laid eyes on, seeking out new faces and places, always just around the corner, a few more miles, a few more steps. Though I have never admitted it, all too often this has felt like I have been running away from rather than venturing to.

My serious thoughts lately have turned inward in a much more profound way and I have been unpacking my past and looking closely at the reality of the events and circumstances that have transpired in this length of days that I call my life.

I have realized that I have three vastly different stories that run like streams through my heart and head about what is going on, though they are not always seen to myself or the other people that join and leave me on this journey.

The first is the story that I present to others about what is happening and how I feel and emote about it. While it is parallel and fairly accurate with concurrent events, it is often scrubbed, cut and polished in order to reflect and paint my world and self in the best possible light. It is how I present to others and many of the deep and harsh things are selectively edited, as well as the baser and more conflicting emotions, wants and desires. I need them to assume the best about me and often this story line is written out of a hurting place of insecurity, a desperate need for acceptance and a plea and reaching out for love. Nothing too harsh is ever allowed to surface and break the illusion that all is right and well with my world. It is my best face forward, regardless of truth.

The second story is the version that I present to myself. It is my ultimate defense mechanism. In it, I take credit for things I cannot control, forcefully push away the pain and hurt I so often feel when things do not go my way or as planned and generally motivate myself in a somewhat self delusionary fashion. I explain to myself why I do not hurt and rotate, trim and fit each puzzle piece of my life into its place in such a way that keeps my emotions intact, hopefully, and provides the positive spin on events that keeps me pressing on, despite circumstances and how conflicted I can be internally. It is the script within the script, the movie within the movie. In it, my sanctity and peace is assured, come what may.

The final and third story is simply the unadulterated truth of reality without any alteration and editing. It is what is true and authentic. It is the one I often ignore, blissfully ignorant of facts unless emergencies, trauma or an event forces me to act and react in self preservation.  This is the one that I am so often successful at sheltering myself and others from but should be the one that matters most.

This last one is the one I have been examining and slowly sharing with a few trusted friends that I know will not stomp on my heart. Opening up, even a little bit, and letting someone into that deep, inner recess is often so frightening. That feeling of being vulnerable and exposed poses such a risk the careful illusions that I have used my entire life to cope with the confusion, bewilderment and hurt and pain that others and life have wreaked upon me. Letting someone plunge their hands shoulder deep into the fragile and soft places is in some ways terrifying but also strangely freeing. It reminds me most of the deep sacrifice and willful submission that I have made at times when offering myself to another guy I love in bed. A place that only real love and intimacy will let me go. A vulnerable trust to let another completely in. That role reversal is so hard for a guy like me.

Being known.

Telling truth. Sharing life. Letting others be the mirror that accurately reflects myself back into my own eyes. Opening up and finding a way to mate up these three lane views of life into a coherent statement and present myself authentically to myself and others.

In the midst of it all, I am finding soothing peace, unconditional love, simple acceptance, healing comfort and authentic solace in all those raw and frightening places that have lain hidden and quiet for far too long.

My heart is deep.

Would you like to take a swim?

Thyre be monstyrs here...


Thursday, August 4, 2011

Remembering Ryan


So much stuff going on and not enough time in a day to get it all down. Worked today, as usual, after three whole days off and got caught up on all my life stuff. Car and house are spic and span, got my laundry done, my hairs are cut and I am set for the weekend, once it gets here. Had my dinner with the guys last night (taco salad, om, nom, nom) and then over to Greg's loft for Bible study. Took off afterward for a late dinner and beer at the Flying Saucer with Stephen and am now home trying to get a few thoughts down before I hit the sack.

I am tackling some huge life issues at the moment and I cannot and have not yet processed them enough to begin a dialogue here about them. Some I will keep in my head and heart and others I am going to throw out to the wind and see where they take me. I can put a few thoughts down and their sheer weight and resonance tend to suck the life out of a room and conversation, so until I am ready to address them here, I will keep my peace. Simply writing a few of my painful experiences down has been carthartic and beneficial. Others will take more space and distance. Being able to share these stories and  chapters of my life with a few trusted and close friends has helped immensely. A burden shared is actually lighter I am finding. Who would have thunk it? :P

This will take time but I know I am healing in some ways. Part of this journey I walk alone and in other parts I am finding hiking partners with listening ears and personal maps who do not mind coaching and sharing from their experience. This life certainly has not been easy but I refuse to be a victim and have never indulged in pity or depression as a salve to placate the pain. I am learning it is okay to hurt.

Faith divides.

This I am finding, much to my  heart ache.

I wish I had the time in life to truly devote to all the things and topics I wish to write about. Possibly once the winter hits I will find myself at home and indoors more to grab my ever growing lists of questions and topics and start tackling them one at a time. Until then, this blog will continue to be just a few short blurbs here and there about my life and what's on the very top of my head and heart.

August is upon us and I am DONE with this heat. I wait for Fall. It is my favorite time of the year. I am sleepy now so all cleaned up I will away for bed. Peace on your all and know that much is right with my world and that which is not is slowly righting itself.

Follow your heart.

I am.