Saturday, June 30, 2012

How Homo?


I don't have my thoughts in order to write a post about this yet, but  I had a conversation with my Dad today about the varying degrees of sexuality that are expressed by males and how clumsy our language of basically three labels is. *
 What about all the guys who don't fit into the 0, the 3 or the 6? 
What kind of experiences have I had with them and what did I learn from those guys? 
How and why do we as a society expect guys to conform to one of the three labels of str8, bi or gay?
 How does that limit us? How does that limit them? 
I ran across this chart and it made me smile but also think more. My thoughts and experiences later. Time for popcorn and a movie. :)

daemon





*It was a  verbal spin off from the movie Aviator, to Leonardo de Caprio, to J. Edgar Hoover, to his supposed homosexuality, to the people who live in between  sexuality labels. My Dad and I talk about everything, just about.

Brokebackhearted



The boys from "Call Me Gaybe" are back, this time with a Karmin song parody. Just some friends getting together again having even MORE good, clean, heterosexual fun. :)

daemon

Plans Change

Today has been good though certainly not what it looked like on the sketched out "going to do list" in my head this morning. I went to bed early last night and woke up early and the plan of the day was as follows.

1. Meet some of my friends for breakfast and intentional conversation. This is a group of close buddies that get together frequently to catch up on life, discuss ourselves, our relationships, struggles and challenges we face as well as share good news about how we are growing as people. We are a mixed lot of str8, gay, bi, married, partnered, dating and single guys from ages of 19 to late 30's. It is always a great time and though conversations tend to run deep, it is good for me and for us all.

2. Go to my coffee shop, read my new National Geographic, drink some iced coffee, listen to music and zone out for a while.

3. Head to the City Market and shop produce and people watch with two of my friends. With our age differences, sometimes it is like they are my gay dads, but they are also part of my chosen family and dear friends and confidants. This usually devolves into watching hot guys, tasting new and interesting things and wiling away the morning till early afternoon. This has been a tradition since Spring for us and I enjoy spending time with them both. They have been together for 17 years and have welcomed me into their circle of life and I am so thankful and appreciative of their love, support and input. In short, I love them both.

4. Head to my church and meet up with my "Man Clan" of guys for our monthly guy outing. Today was to be BBQ at Oklahoma Joe's and then play some Ultimate Frisbee in one of the city parks.

5. After that I had no idea. Prolly grab a beer with a few of the guys and then head home.

Well, I left the house and on the beautiful morning drive decided I was not in the mood for breakfast and serious talk. Just didn't feel it, so I skipped out. No one is expected to be there and we all kind of come and go as we please so I knew my presence wasn't needed. I texted Ryan and let him know they wouldn't see my face today. More than likely my absence helped someone else talk about the things on their minds and my lack of talking opened that space up. At least that is how I look at it. :)

I did get to my coffee shop, read my NG magazine, listened to some new music and zoned out for a couple hours and way too much iced coffee.

During that time I realized I didn't want to see my clan, eat a heavy lunch and then go romp around in the 100 degree heat. In fact, I wanted to be alone and to relax more. So I did. I called Steve and let him know I was headed home and left the shop. Hit some traffic on the way home, but enjoyed that time listening to some Sinatra and amusing myself at the hurried and frantic reactions of the other drivers in the unusually heavy back up due to road construction. It must be hard to be so important that all of life is a rush. I got some sun, listened to tunes and drove home at a leisurely pace.

I got cooled down, took a nice shower and made myself some lunch. A crisp, fresh salad, a seared pork chop,  some rice and steamed broccoli. I settled into my dark den, put my feet up and enjoyed an movie in my underwear. Something that I haven't done on an afternoon for a long while. I then got up, read for a while, took a nap, and now here I sit writing a few words.

Plans change every day, either by our own choosing, others choices or things beyond our control. Regardless of the how or why, it is nice to know that one can be content either way. My original plans looked more exciting and fun filled, but at the end of it all, I enjoyed the time with myself more. I can live with that. :)

daemon

PS: Yes, I realize my posts are boring lately, but life is rather simple at the moment.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Bewildered and Hurt

I am at a loss.

What can I, just one guy, in one city, in this country do to help make a difference for all LGBT people who are experiencing pain, discrimination, abuse, bullying, violence and loss from their communities, families, peers, churchs, leaders, schools, friends and strangers?

I volunteer at my local LGBT center, work with a local LGBT anti-violence project, served a local LGBT youth center as a peer counselor, lent my face and name to state wide commercials to prevent discrimination being written in our states constitution, spoken at city meetings, addressed different religions organizations in my city, spoken up at my church and in my spheres of influence, donated countless hours and finances for different causes, poured parts of my life into local and national efforts, stayed up endless nights in conversations and discussions with people I care about and say that they care for me and still I feel like it is for nothing.

Nothing that I can say or do changes anything in the hearts, minds and on the faces of those that feel that I am less than human. That my citizenship counts for nothing. That my service to my country in the military should not  and did not assure me the same rights, liberties and freedoms that they take for granted and enjoy. That my love is not worthy of acknowledgment.

And it all comes back to their religion. Their church, book, leaders and "god" say I am unnatural, disordered, broken and evil.

I am weary. I am hurt. I am tired. I do not know what else to do right now.

I do not hate them. I am confused by them. I do not know why they fight to deny my humanity so much. Why do they live and work so hard to make others live by their perceptions of faith and morality? Why do they hate me and people like me so much? Why are gay people like me helping them in their abuse of others? Gay guys and girls, who for whatever misguided reason or religious based faith motive, are helping those groups destroy, malign and discriminate against other people who share their same orientation? What kind of sick, self loathing has been forced so deeply into their souls, hearts and minds that they side with their oppressors and call hate, love and abuse, concern?

What have I ever done to them? What have any of us ever done to them?

Why are we not free?

Why are we less than, to them?

Why?

Stonewall 6-28-1969


I am watching a special on my Public Television Station about my history. Stonewall Uprising (you can watch it online if you care to)

My insides are churning and I can't help but cry watching the faces and hearing personal testimonies of how my fellow LGBT brothers and sisters were treated in this country. I feel the same for how some of us are still treated. I hope to come back and share some of my thoughts and emotions about our past and our present.

daemon

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

This...times Eleventy Billion!

How to Emotionally Manipulate an American



This is an Academy Award Winning Movie Trailer. I hope you enjoy the self-referential snarkiness of it as much as I did. American movies are nothing if not formulaic. Agreed? :P

daemon

Run Away

I just read a news story this morning about 18 year old Evan Flannery. Missing Man  It seems like he met a certain young guy he fancied last week through an unnamed social App (more than likely Grindr) and ran off to hang out with him all week without letting his Mom know what he was up to.

The "official" story is that his phone battery died and would not accept a charge and in the fun and hype of meeting someone, as well as it being Gay Pride Week, he "forgot" to check back in to let her know he was safe. He "forgot" to let her know he was having a great time and would be home later at some point. He spotted his face on the news one night as a missing person and  he immediately called his Mom and everyone is happy that he is safe and sound and that he has met a guy he really likes.  He likes him so much, in fact, he forgot about letting his Mom know he was alive before she started a city wide search, started a FaceBook page for any information leading to his whereabouts and bought a Internet domain site Help Find Evan to aid in finding her son.

 Oops!

I busted up laughing as I read this! I am certainly glad he was found safe, sound, happy and enjoying himself,  but this news story reminded me of another certain young man that I know. One late evening, the summer after High School graduation, he received a phone call from a friend who had moved to California. Before he had moved, his friend had given him a copy of Jack Kerouac's "On the Road" and challenged him to read it. They had never been incredibly close growing up, but had played soccer and basketball for the school together and hung around some of the same group of guys for over 10 years.  His friend asked him if he wanted to go to lunch the following day and that sounded like a great idea to this man/boy. He asked what sounded good and his friend replied, "Fisherman's Wharf, Pier 39. Be there at Noon."

This is when the young man realized his friend was calling from Foster City, across the Bay from San Francisco and was partly joking about meeting for lunch. On a whim, (which is how this young man often did things) he accepted the challenge, said he would meet him there for lunch and launched his plan.

A bag was packed. He grabbed his wallet, some cash and his credit card (the first one he had ever had in his own name) and snuck out of his parents house ever so quiet. He rolled his Mustang out of the garage and down the drive way and only started it up once he was down the hill from his home. Wouldn't do to alert his Dad and Mom and possibly be caught and denied an adventure, would it? The engine and exhaust on that car could wake the dead, even at low rpm's.

He headed up North of the city to the airport, parked his car in long term parking and went into the terminal. He searched the different airlines until he found the next direct flight to San Francisco, purchased his ticket and waited for the red eye boarding call. In less than two hours, he was in the air and headed to California, no one the wiser, save him and his friend.

He made it to lunch on time. :)

He also spent a week running up and down and all around the hills of San Francisco with his school buddy. They hit City Lights Bookstore, sipped Irish Coffees on the Wharf, danced the nights away at Vesuvius They accidentally stumbled into Bondage-a-Go-Go looking like the teenage meat that they were and promptly ran out, laughing hysterically at the scene they saw and more than a little frightened as well. They watched the moon rise over Coit Tower and he left a full journal on a bench for a stranger to find One day they bought three dozen roses and handed them out to people downtown who looked like they needed one. One night the killed an entire bottle of Dewar's Scotch, wandered the length and breadth of the Castro and ended up collapsed together in some hotel on Nob Hill. They ate amazing foods and marveled at all the sights in China Town. In short, the had a Grand Adventure indeed!

About 5 days into said Adventure, the young man called his Mom to let her know he was "in town" hanging out with his "friend from school" and let her know that he would be staying at "his place" for a "few days". He really thought he had got away with it and pulled a fast one, considering his wandering and random ways were a pretty common thing in his family. She seemed to be buying the story and was pretty calm about it all.

He made one fatal error.

His Mom had caller ID at work and had noted the (415) area code. She asked him casually how California was? He stammered and replied they would prolly not be eating at Californio's (a restaurant in KCMO) due to the cost, but would prolly just grab a bite to eat somewhere cheap today. She then pointedly asked how the Ocean was? At this point, he knew the gig was up and confessed the whole escapade while standing in his friends kitchen. His Mom listened to it all and calmly asked when he would be home. He replied in a breathless and non-committal way, something about that weekend possibly, so she politely informed him that his Dad and her would be more than happy to pack his belongings and ship them to his new home in California. She only needed to be provided with his  new address at some point and promptly hung up the phone.

He instantly called back. "I will be home on Monday, Mom!", he blurted out in a panic. His Mom was NOT one to bluff.

"You will be home on Saturday evening", she replied curtly, in that no nonsense manner he knew too well.

"I will be home on Saturday", he answered back meekly, certainly subdued.

She wished him a pleasant time and told him to enjoy himself and that they would talk after his return that weekend. He finished out the week with his friend and truly had the experience of a lifetime. His very first REAL adventure. He still remembers every detail about it to this day...



daemon


PS: The ONLY problem his Dad and Mom had with the entire escapade was the fact that he forgot to leave a note on the refrigerator. After that stunt, he ALWAYS left a note...no matter how incredible, ridiculous and bizarre it might have read.

PSS: His parents still have those notes. :)

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Discuss? Damn str8

I sing for you...



This song goes is for two special guys who are finding their place with each other. May this weekend bring you miles of smiles, the sound of shared laughter, the discovery of how your lives are enriched by each others presence and maybe just a song or two. You know who you are. :)

daemon

Friday, June 22, 2012

What I've been doing.

Just got home from the Library. Had a late fee of $1.50. Yeah, I know. Was supposed to get there the other day. Didn't happen. Scored the new Stephen King novel. Makes up for it in my book.

Wandered the Cross Roads and took some pretty amazing pictures, mostly of flowers and buildings. Beautiful weather, if hot. Stunning clouds, clear blue skies and a nice breeze. I love walking with no where to go.

Met Lucas for coffee at Mildred's, up the walk from his loft. I had Raspberry Iced Tea. He had an Iced Toddy, some kind of intricate Sammich and a chilled Gazpacho that was a fascinating bright yellow color. Talked about ourselves, others and life. Always good to see him. He gives the greatest hugs.

Filled the car up with gas, left the top on and ran some errands at the bank, post office and grocery store. Picked up some fresh Salmon and things for a cold Mediterranean pasta salad. That will make for a great dinner. Also found a nice chilled Chardonnay I have been meaning to try. Maybe a movie and meal at home tonight. A refreshing way to avoid the heat.

Slept in a bit this morning and pottered around the house doing odds and ends. Fixed a great breakfast.  A three egg  cheese omelet, crisped hash browns and an English muffin with a tart orange marmalade.  Cut my hair, a brisk shower and most excellent shave with a new razor. Drank my morning coffee while reading the paper in the sunshine.

Last night went to the Heart of America Shakespeare festival with friends and took in a play. Midsummer Night's Dream. Packed a nice picnic for everyone and sat outside in the park during sunset and well into the night enjoying the art. Fantastic performance by the company and stunning visuals. Puck has always been my favorite but once Lysander and Demetrius lost their shirts as well, I found my attention torn between the three. Puck's gymnastics, ripped abs and energy, Lysander's tall lithe physique (with a bulge that could be seen at 90 yards and Demetrius' deep sculpted chest and muscular legs. I am nothing if not predictable. :) An incredible time with friends, food and community and free, though we did donate to the company. They are worth every penny and then some.

Now I am just eating a snack and have my feet up in my cool retreat from the Summer's heat. Can't think of a finer place to be. A little book reading and then a nap. Don't mind if I do.

daemon

Thursday, June 21, 2012

FagForJesus says it best...

Context: This is a response to Alan Chambers, regarding his letter from Exodus Internationl for June 2012. That letter and these comments can be found here. Alan Chambers: Exodus International Letter June 2012 I am surprised my comments were published there and am incredibly thankful that this individual's comment was as well. I have never heard an argument put so plainly and I thank him for that.


FagForJesus says: June 21, 2012 at 10:56 am


- I am quoting a reply from a discussion on another website that spells things out clearly in a much better way than I am able - “Is it even possible for a person to honorably disagree with re-defining marriage, or must everyone who differs to any degree with the religious left on this issue be trashed as haters, ignorant, bigoted, weird, pseudo-Christians etc? ”

I know what you think you are asking – you think you are saying “There are people with sincerely held, logically based, internally consistent, and honorably intended reasons for disapproving of same-sex marriage, but whenever they try to express them, they are labeled haters and bigots. Is it possible for them to express their valid disagreements without being attacked?”

But the problem is that your premise is flawed. As a gay man, I’ve been closely following gay rights issues, gay marriage in particular, all my adult life, and since I’m over 50, that’s been quite a while now. I am not using hyperbole to say that in all that time I have never once found someone who opposes same-sex marriage who has a logically based, internally consistent, valid argument. I have never met anyone who opposes same-sex marriage who is willing to TRY to “debate” the issues.

I try to avoid the word “lie” and “liars” – sometimes untruths can be sincerely held, and sometimes untruths are deliberate. But either way they are untruths.

There isn’t a single argument against civil marriage equality for same-sex couples that isn’t either a flat-out lie or a carefully constructed misdirection or collection of half-truths. Not one.

And now, the “debate” has gone on long enough that anyone who doesn’t know that, and still holds onto the transparent untruths about it, really has to be considered a liar. They may feel they are lying for a higher purpose, but they are still simply deliberately telling untruths.

So how can you have a civil debate when one side simply refuses to even consider telling the truth?
Civil marriage is not about procreation. Straight people who cannot procreate together due to age or medical reasons are allowed to marry. Gay people are not infertile, just infertile together, and the vast majority of gay people can procreate.

Civil marriage is not about childrearing. Straight couples can marry and remain married without having or raising any children. And gay couples can have children to rear by birth, by adoption, by previous marriages, or with artificial aids to conception or surrogates.

Civil marriage is not about responsible parenting. People who are horrible parents are allowed to marry and stay married. Convicted murderers can marry. The civil marriages of convicted child abusers are not voided. And every study that actually looks at gay couples raising kids shows that they do as well, or in some cases better than the average similarly suited straight couple. For this argument to work, the very best gay parents would have to always be worse than the very worst straight parents – and THAT is demonstrably, even laughably untrue.

Civil marriage is not about religious tradition. Straight people can marry with no involvement from an organized religion, and many religious denominations and individual congregations and groups fully support same-sex marriage equality and would marry gay couples if they could.

Civil marriage is not about religious liberty or preventing religious discrimination. Roman Catholics are not required to solemnize the remarriage of divorced straight Catholics. Rabbis are not required to solemnize the marriage of mixed-religion straight couples. No minister or congregation is required to perform a wedding for a straight couple who are not part of their religious tradition. The protection of religious groups from being forced to perform weddings they don’t approve of is long-settled established law, and nothing about civil marriage for gay couples changes that.

Civil marriage is not about social approval and support of specific beneficial “lifestyles.” The US Supreme Court has affirmed the rights of convicted murderers to marry, and the rights of documented child-support deadbeats. Drunks, drug addicts, adulterers, spouse abusers, and just about every other distasteful or socially damaging “lifestyle” – no problem if you are straight. And no matter how upright and moral you are, and no matter what you contribute to society, if you are gay, it’s off limits.

Civil marriage is no longer “something that has always been, in every society in human history” a purely heterosexual thing. More and more countries allow it, and more and more US states. Denying that there actually are, and have been, couples in same sex legal marriages is now, purely and simply, a flat out lie.

Civil marriage equality does not materially increase the cost to society. If Adam marries Eve, and Amy marries Steve, society happily adjusts to any costs or financial benefits, but if the same four people group differently and Adam marries Steve and Amy marries Eve, the exact same costs are somehow insupportable?

Marriage has changed, and changed dramatically, throughout history. The idea that it has always been “one man and one woman” is simply untrue. Even the Bible itself is documented evidence that it isn’t true. And recent changes like allowing women to own property and earn money, the shift from arranged marriage to a focus on love and support, and the legal changes about illegitimacy are all huge shifts.

The biggest absurdity about “redefining marriage” of course, is that allowing same-sex couples to marry doesn’t change the tiniest detail about any straight marriage or about the process of straight people marrying. No benefits change, no eligibility changes, there is no change to the mechanism, or the consequences to straight people for marrying. Once same-sex couples marry, not a single thing about straight marriage changes.

Saying that something that doesn’t in any way even affect straight people is a “redefinition” of marriage is as ludicrous as my claiming that if my neighbor paints their living room blue it constitutes a demolition of my home.

And, of course, any claim that same-sex marriage equality “devalues” marriage or makes straight couples less likely to want to marry is so bigoted on the face of it that it hardly needs to be discussed.


So, I’ll repeat your question back to you: How can people who claim not to be haters, bigots, or ignorant support even a single one of these transparently untrue arguments? As a result, the question becomes, “ARE there any honorable opponents of marriage equality?”

In all honesty, I’ve never met a single person with an honorable argument against it. I have never met someone who doesn’t rely on at least one of these untruths as a central point to their argument, and has no answer whatsoever when they are called on it. If one’s entire side of the “debate” is based on known lies and untruths, how can they claim to be an honorable opponent?

Can YOU name an advocate of retaining the the traditional definition of marriage who isn’t basing some or all of their argument on these untruths? And how can someone who is be called a “decent advocate”? ~FagForJesus


Words

I wake up each day expectant of good things. Each morning feels like Christmas. I always scamper out of doors to look at the sky. I spend time stretching out and marveling in this body that I live. People puzzle me but also fascinate me. I like the taste of strong coffee but rarely drink it hot. I enjoy reading books in public. I often laugh out loud to myself. I am not given to depression or dwell on sad thoughts.

I have a closet full of clothes but wear my favorites. I do the same with my shoes. I like to see them all stacked up in their boxes. Sometimes I cannot leave the house until I have the right pair on my feet. My arms and hands feel naked without a watch or a ring. Sometimes I wear more than one. I grew up fast but never got there. Most days I feel a child cast on stage as an adult. I wonder what people think. I think a lot.

It rained last night. The grass smells amazing. The birdbath is full but I did not do it. I never tire at looking at my cars. I have a lot to be thankful for. The details of life are intriguing. I have traveled a lot. My feet have stood in each state except for Alaska, but I have been off the coast of it. I regret to admit I could not see Russia from there.

I wonder why Faberge made eggs. A guy named Davide from the Czech Republic lived with me for a while. He was an amazing chef. His passport was green and gold. I found him in a coffee shop. He had been crying. I asked him why. He wanted to talk to his Mother, so I took him home and let him use my phone. We were friends for months until life called him to wander on. I will never forget that dinner, that shower and finding each other in the dark. He made me smile.

I like caves and mountains and forests. One should never leave the house without a pen, a knife, a lighter a bottle of water and a book. Those things serve a man well. A man carries cash. I like my legs and my arms, but my left arm is my favorite. Sometimes when I burp it sounds like a hiccup. I think I got a sunburn yesterday while driving. I need to go to the library today.

I dream big dreams. I like being a guy. I wonder what it is like to not be tall. Where do we go when we sleep? Who invented pillows? The sound of the air conditioning can be so soothing. What do trees say when they talk to themselves? I need to get out on the open water. I miss the sea. Sailing is my soul. I wonder what Joe D. wants to talk about tonight? He has told me a few things but I hardly know him. I need to call Lucas back. He kind of has shit for brains but I love him.

Shakespeare in the Park has now arrived. Should I see A Midsummer Nights Dream first or Antony and Cleopatra. People like me. I like to write on paper but hate making mistakes. They seem so messy. Maybe I will take pictures today. There is so much to explore. My back pops when I stretch. Everything seems to pop lately. My toes feel good. I do not think I am hungry.

I did get sunburned. My face skin feels taut. I wonder how my sister is? She is in Peru. She is the best human that I know. I love her. What is it like to be a Dad? I wonder how my life would be different if I could see clearly? Maybe I will play piano today. The light outside is cool and grey. I like quiet mornings.

How do you know love when you find it? How can you possibly not know that it is love? I wonder why people don't talk to those they love? Why is it so hard to communicate? Why would you tell me something that you need to tell him? I miss people. I miss specific people. They live in my head and heart. That is all for now.

daemon

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Summer Solstice


(drawing from winter 2009 sketchbook in patagonia, argentina)
stunning art from Jer Collins, artist, childhood and current friend, mountain climber, film maker, author, husband, father, human
check out his place and things at Jeremy Collins Art
jer, you inspire me. D



My copy of the Gay Agenda

Sunshine, Coffee, OCD and Lists

Woke up to beautiful sunlight streaming through trees dappling the blinds in my bedroom. It sounded as if the trees were talking to me and each other, greeting the day in anticipation. Quiet whispers about the possibility of what will be, what can be, what should be...

Okay, so maybe I was still half asleep, lazing there in the light watching patterns on the windows while my brain booted up, but I have to admit, it was nice. I finally rolled over and decided my day must start. Got rid of my morning wood, padded to the bathroom and took a leak then flipped the coffee pot on as I went by. Man, it is a beautiful day out there! Not a cloud in the sky. Everything is green and lush. Birds are singing and squirrels are scampering. The car is clean, the top is down and I am well rested and happy. What is on the agenda for today?

Came down to the den, turned on my network and caught up on a bit of news. I tend to browse top stories, my local social page, Facebook and the blogs I follow as I wake up. It kind of orients my day and keeps me up to date on what's going on in my life and friends life without all the hassle of texts, phone calls and emails. For that, I am thankful for the part that social media plays in our lives. With a couple of minutes, I know whats going on in my world and get a picture of what is up with family and friends.

So, busy day? It will be if I make it so. Already this coffee is working its magic. Okay, here are the possibilities. I need to clean the kitchen, really just put some dishes away and mop the tile. That is the cleaning chore on my life. (Yes, I have a list of things I do on different days. Cleaning the kitchen just happens to fall on Wednesday, bathrooms on Thursdays, bedrooms on Friday...) That will not take me all that long though I did break one of my rules and left clean dishes in the sink instead of putting them away before bed. Seeing them there reminds me of why I don't do that. I hate seeing dishes in the sink in the morning even if they are clean! Now clean dishes in the dishwasher, at least they are hidden from view and all lined up orderly. (Yes, my OCD is showing a bit here, get over it!)

So I will knock that out and I am thinking about doing all the yard work today since the weather is so amazing. Usually I do all of that on Thursdays, as the recycle and compost pick up is Friday mornings, but getting it done today lets me relax more tomorrow. That will be a good plan. I will wait till 9 am to start, just to let the neighbors relax a bit more and give me time to make a smoothie and finish my coffee.

After that will be a shower and a visit to the library. I have a few books and videos to return and got a call yesterday that some books I had ordered have arrived. I really am behind on my reading list, but that is self imposed. I just cannot get enough to read and the more that I read the more that I find I want to know. I have to limit my interests at times, just to stay focused. I have been devouring books since I was a kid and can't seem to stop this information addiction. :) Not a bad thing, I suppose?

I figure all of that will take me till around 1 pm if I can stay on schedule and then I am headed over to KS to speak with the management and culinary team at an Italian restaurant. I have used their facilities for the Mayflower Luncheon each Spring and they actually contacted me regarding an open position, after they heard I was otherwise wiling my time away being gainfully unemployed...lol  It won't hurt to hear what they have to say and at least see what the position entails. This is the 3rd job offer I have received since I decided to take some time off and I find it rather ironic. When I look for something I want, it is not where to be found. When I stop what I am doing and seek nothing, it seeks me out. Is it possible that this paradigm would work with true love? Don't look, be found?

That is a place I am not ready to go to this morning. Single is treating me just fine in its novelty, predictability and simplicity at the moment. I will not wish for something but rather busy myself on becoming the person that I want to find. The possibility of more education looms on the horizon and the weeks are getting packed with scheduled activities. Who are these people who plan their lives so far in advance? I think they call them "adults" ersumshit like that. :)

So here is to today! *toasts you with my Coffee Mug* May I get most of this crap done and also have a good time while doing so. I hope your face has a smile on it and you are getting on with whatever it is that fills your time and enriches your life. Ciao!

daemon

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

And a big 'Fuck You' goes to...


...the religious groups who believe this shit.

Hello

My brain is all over the place this morning, which is odd, because I know that I got plenty of rest. Spent yesterday at home, puttering around the house and relaxing, avoiding the heat really and also for lack of anything pressing on my to do list. It was good to curl up with a book, watch a movie, cook myself some simple meals and take a break from seeing other faces.

The weekend was great! Celebrated my Dad's b-day on the 12th, then my parents anniversary on the 15th, went to the River Market on Saturday morning, had lunch with a blog buddy and friend that was in town that afternoon and then wrapped it up with Father's Day on the 17th. That entailed a lot of dinners, gifts, cards and family and kind of wiped me out a bit. I love my family, but all that going on in one week can take a lot of energy. Kicked back on Sunday evening with some close friends and had a BBQ at my friend Keith's house. He cooked an amazing meal and a group of us guys just hung out, ate, enjoyed the weather and talked. I can't think of a better way to round out a busy and amazing weekend, but after all that I needed a break.

I still am not ready to think and try to tackle anything on my writing list. It looks to be a beautiful day, so I may just spend it with myself wandering around. Stay out all day instead of in. Don't need to catch up on with the yard work as every thing still looks fresh and sharp. The house is clean, laundry is done, no errands to run, just a blank slate of hours to amuse myself and avoid being productive. I can do that. :)

Wish I had more to say at the moment but that really is all that is in my mind. No conflicts, no drama, no questions, no nothing really. I think I will take a shower, slurp some coffee, throw on some cargo shorts, a white t-shirt and kicks and just go enjoy myself. Pack a bag with some snacks, water and a book. Grab my kite and frisbee. Sounds like a good plan for a adventure. Go see what I can see. Wonder who else will be doing the same thing?

daemon

Monday, June 18, 2012

And everyone said, "Awww..."



Sorry guys, just been watching a lot of Youtube videos lately and posting the ones that make me smile and be happy. Promise I will get back here and write something of substance at some point today. :)

daemon

Sunday, June 17, 2012

The best man that I know.



The best compliment I have ever received: "You are just like your Dad."

 I certainly cannot claim to be the man that he is but I hope one day to live up to his name. Happy Father's Day, Dad. I love you.
#2


Friday, June 15, 2012

Religion and Gay Marriage



I really like their explanations and take on this whole issue. Details, facts and humor all in one. And yeah, I don't normally post many videos but deal with it. These guys are the good stuff.

Now I am going to go eat dinner. Have a great weekend, people. :)

daemon

I think that...

...I was a little bit (or lot) of both of these guys growing up in high school. I identify with each story in many ways. Found this video today and it made me smile. Hope you can smile, too.

daemon

Meh

I am awake. Drinking coffee. Skies are clear. It better rain. I put the hard top on. Better not have wasted my time. What is today about? Thought about visiting a friend. I need to shower and shave. Slept hard. Woke up confused. Not sure about what. I am okay with that.

Feeling the need to branch out. Find some new authors. My head itches. Scratched it. Sun is coming out. Supposed to storm at noon. We will see. Maybe I will practice piano today. Or maybe work out. Some time in the park would be nice. Oh, forgot about the rain. Bugger.

What will this weekend bring? Looking forward to seeing my brother. I don't like his wife. She makes him happy. I guess. Maybe I will go to the range today. Shoot some holes in paper. That's a good exercise in concentration. No yard and garden work, at least.

Not feeling terribly inspired. I guess days like this happen. Short, choppy thoughts. Only aware of what is in front of me. Not really day dreaming. That is unusual. Maybe I am having a stroke? Prolly not. I hear those hurt. Or are at least confusing. More than likely not awake.

I read the news. It's old. I look at some pictures. They make me smile. I chatted with a friend. Odd to talk with ones fingers. It works for deaf people. I know sign language. Kyle's brothers are deaf. I miss them. I miss Charleston, too. I wonder how they are. A visit may be in order. They still live on James Island. I need the ocean.

Looked at the mail. Nothing interesting. Words and numbers on paper. Mundane details. Paper begets paper. Numbers breed numbers. Everything comes from nothing. It is rather simple. Why do people make life so hard?

Maybe I will write today. I am talking pen on paper. The kind that cramps my hand and soothes my brain. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. I'd like to hear some rain. Thunder makes me jump. The smells after a storm are always nice. I like the pungency of dirt.

My bamboo is happy. At least it hasn't complained. I'd like for my lights to turn themselves off. I am sure there is a technology for that. Would be a pain to have it installed. When ambient light reaches a certain gradient, lights off. I hate florescent illumination. Too much blue and white. Won't have it in the house. It hurts my head.

Just typing words now. Pretty content. I wonder who reads this?

daemon

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Just when they couldn't get any more gay...

...they went and did. :P

Paradigm Shift


I had a thought, or several actually, on my way back home from the park today. I was listening to some country music (a guilty pleasure) with the top down, wind and sun on my face and just kind of floating in my head. I am not sure if I can express it as clearly as it solidified in my mind, but I will try, as it has stuck with me.

I know who I am. (profound, right?) I know what I believe. (in part) No one has ever changed my mind by arguing with me. I have never changed any other person's mind by arguing with them. Since I know who I am, and know what I believe and arguing changes nothing...then I am done with arguing. I refuse to fight against anything. It is a waste of my time, life and energy. I choose instead to work for the things that I believe in.

It sounds like a subtle shift, but in actual reality it is monumental in practice. I am going to attempt to stop arguing with the people who believe the opposite of what I hold to be true. I am going to attempt to stop letting them pick a fight with me. I am going to attempt to refuse to engage in their communications and conversations that they have predetermined outcomes for. I want to deny them any and all of my energy. I want to ignore them completely and utterly. None of this will be easy, but these are the things that I hope to stop doing. 

What I was to start doing is working for what I know and hold to be right. Aligning myself with people and organizations that are proactively making a difference in my community and other like minded individuals lives. I want to support the civic and political leaders that believe in equal rights, liberties and freedom for all of the citizens of this country. I want to volunteer and be involved in supporting the groups of people who are committed to actively making my life and others lives better. I want to make my minutes and hours, dimes and dollars count for good.

In short, I am washing my hands (habits die hard and know it will be a process) of ALL of the religious individuals, groups, organizations and churches who continue to protest, berate, condemn, vilify, harass, abuse and discriminate against any and all humans based on their beliefs, gods, books, teachers, leaders and personal ideology. Raising a voice to and against them has accomplished nothing except waste my time and life, frustrate and hurt myself and add energy to their mis-truths, false teachings and hate. Those people are the weapons that some churches uses to maim and cripple others, no matter how much they attempt to disguise such actions and words in "love". Quit killing my brothers and sisters with your "truth" and "love". You are dead to me and I hope to have the resolve and strength to no longer be baited into your arguments, distorted attempts at "bridge-building" and mind games. You are playing with peoples lives and that is not right.

What I will do is invest in what I believe in. I cannot expose the evil and tyranny of some religious people any better than they are already shouting it from their pulpits, from their books, on their website and blogs and comments sprinkled everywhere a public forum exists. They are doing an excellent job of illustrating the futile and ridiculous battle that they are losing. This noise and spectacle is their death knell. They sense and are beginning to realize that their days are numbered. It is only a matter of time before good and right prevails.

I will not add to their fury.

I choose to build for good. 

I choose to love in word and action.

I choose to work for, not fight against.

daemon

Holding hands



I love this video and idea. It is SO something I would love to do. How people react is certainly entertaining and telling, not only about them, but our culture in America. My favorites are the two people who just roll with it. "Okay. Hey. Holding hands...whatever! " :)

Sleep

One does not realize how weary you may be until sleep finds us. I just woke up from a  "nap" that I took last night and found that I slept 12 hours straight! That is about 20 hours sleep in the last 48? I spent the night at a friends house on Tuesday evening and certainly got plenty of rest then. I went to bed shortly after dinner with him and his partner (after dinner with them, not went to bed with them!) and then spent Wednesday morning talking to him and enjoying the weather on the back patio, watching the dogs and taking in the sun.

Yesterday was rather uneventful but good. Had dinner with my parents to celebrate my Dad's birthday and then took them and a neighbor out to get some ice cream at Baskin Robbins. Certainly not a rough day of work! I guess my body just needed to pause and reset itself? I know I woke up this morning full of life and in an excellent mood! The weather is gorgeous and today will be full of yardwork, some car maintenance and washing and then enoying time at my coffee shop.

Life is becoming more simple it seems. Intentional choices of good things and less of the whirlwind that it can sometimes become if we let it. I am getting back in tune with myself and the person that I have become. Too much activity and stimuli can sometimes get me into a pace that leave little time to consider and be present. This peace I am finding is a great thing.
Not a lot on my mind this morning. I still have so much to write about and my little blog list or topics keeps growing, but I have yet to find the energy or motivation to tackle some of them. A quick looks shows me that I need to write and share my thoughts, opinion, beliefs, experiences and ideas on these things:
1. Sex. I never got around to writing any follow up on my post Sex, Sex, Sex: Part One. Time sure has a way of slipping by! I need to revisit this topic as my own views have changed a bit by time and reflection and I have left it hanging for way too long.

2. Porn. I had promised a friend (Jeff) to get to this and share my own views, but it also kind of slipped by me.

3. Faith. This one I know I will not get to for a while.

4. The Navy. That could take up a few years of posts.

5. Family. Writing about my own bio family as well as the families that we choose to make up our lives. This one will be an interesting jaunt emotionally and mentally.

The list goes on and on and I think that this coming week, I will attempt to snag each one and at least express a few thoughts and words about each one and others. Instead of rambling here and then slapping a title on it, I need to grap a concept and write. Seems easy enough, but I get so easily distracted or blank when I sit down here to share.

Summer is upon us. Warm weather, growing plants, lots of green and miles and miles of smiles driving top down and enjoying friends, family and life. Spending time in and on the water is certainly a priority as it makes me so very happy. I am just typing words now, so I guess I will shut up and go mow the yard. Well, right after I finish this amazing coffee. Wrote a letter to my sister in Peru. This weekend celebrates my Dad's birthday, Father's Day and my parents wedding anniversary. It is going to be full indeed.

Things are well. I wish I had more interesting words to say, but I will take life as it comes. Lack of conflict and drama is a fantastic thing. Both seem to evaporate the more I choose wisely how to spend my time and space. Okay, enough for now. I am well rested, good things are happening and I am happy. Hope you all are well! Make sure to get outside and play. It is good for the soul. So is sleep. Get some! :)

daemon

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Need a smile and a few happy tears?

A rare find.

This fellow blogger is easily the best thing I have been reading lately. His last entry is a fantastic assembly of event and thought. Take a look, if you like and consider his words. Be advised, his blog is a raw slice of reality. To be able to write life like this...

Hetero Challenged

And he shall be like a Tree...

Another morning. It is absolutely beautiful out. I spent some time simply sitting outside on my deck and watching the sun rise through this enormous oak tree that graces my neighbors south lawn. It must be at least 300 years old or more. One afternoon, my brother, father and I joined hands to encircle the trunk and we just barely made it around the entire circumference. It stands tall and proud over the neighborhood and is truly a sight to behold. I wonder what years it has seen? The people, animals, sights, time and history it has stood present to? Each morning, every day of the year, it stands in watch and greets the sun. I sat there and watched the golden light tip the leaves at its crest and slowly work their way down its limbs and leaves to touch my face. There is something to be learned from a life such as this. The seasons come and go and yet it lives, thrives, remains and is. This oaks presence brings me peace. No one owns it. The land it stands on was free and clear of title, long before we came along to live around it. I need to consider it more. I think looking at it and watching it will become a part of my daily pattern. It has something to tell me but its message will not come quickly or loudly.

What of today? I woke well rested and am contemplating how to fill this day. After a few brief weeks of break from my routine, I feel a bit restless. Already my mind is returning to thoughts of schedules, work and industry, but when I pause and think about it, I still have no more clearer direction in what to pursue. A few friends and acquaintances know of my free time and have offered differing positions and opportunities, but nothing seems to call to me yet. Being able to stop life in its tracks is a rare opportunity and like the contemplation I found with the oak tree this morning, I feel I have something still to consider or arrive at, but its reality is still yet unknown.

Usually, when I become introspective or a bit off put by the simple activities of life, I tend to rush into something to fill my time. Come to think of it, I have been rushing into things without much consideration my entire life. I did not weigh my choices much when pursuing education and college. Pondering the ramifications and consequences of joining the Navy was not something I dwelled upon. Looking back over the different jobs and careers I have had seems to have little pattern besides my internal whims and curiosity. Whatever flavor of the month piqued my interest is what I pursued, not only in terms of employment but as well as relationship. This is not an intentional way to live, but then, following my nose has always served me well, to some extent. Not being bound by the obligations, pressures and responsibilities that others frame their lives upon has brought me a measure of freedom that most do not enjoy much less understand.

So what of this day? How to spend it? This seems to be a common and frequent theme in my musings. I think some measured and weighed thinking and consideration is in order. Not the random wanderings that usually fill my time and mind, but some actual hours invested in sketching out where I have come from, who I was, who I would like to be and the interconnection and assets that I currently possess. Perhaps a personal inventory is in order?

This sounds like a capital idea. Not something to rush through in order to distract myself with more entertainment or mindless jaunting about, but a real and measured assessment of my current state of the Union. I can think of nothing more beneficial to do with my time this day. I will make it so.

Maybe this idea is what the tree spoke to me about, so silently and majestically this morning? Something to ponder.

daemon

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Triggers

I just woke up. Opened the house to the morning breeze and shut the outside lights off. Poured my first cup of coffee and sipped it while watering my garden and plants. Looks to be a beautiful day.

It has been a great weekend full of friends, stellar drives and fantastic weather. I took in a movie with a friend and had dinner with him and his partner the other night. Each day is full of good things. Spent the morning at the city River Market perusing all the farmers and locals offerings as well the the stunning examples of males that kept catching our eyes. Had a funny moment when he commented on the beauty and form of one guy and he turned around and happened to be my friend. In fact, the very friend who lives in a loft over the Market whose parking spot I borrowed that morning after a quick phone call for permission. I so enjoy being in the city, surrounded by people and engaged in seeing, touching, smelling and procuring produce and fresh flowers. You thought I was going to say something else, didn't ya? :)

So I titled this blog before I wrote it. Unusual for me. I typically verbally spew here and then slap some words at the top, pick out a picture and call it good, but I have something on my mind this morning. Triggers. By that I mean, events, topics, words, sights or sounds that set off some type of reaction within ones self.

Of these, it seems I have many. I live with PTSD in my reality. Strange to admit that here, as if speaking of it gives it form and life, but it is true. One of my triggers or symptoms is the the fact that I am easily startled (understatement of the year) by sudden or loud sounds as well as situations or events that flip me into recall and panic. My friends and coworkers have observed this over the past few years and to be honest, it is not pretty and is incredibly unsettling and embarrassing. I cannot and will not go into details, but it is a fact of my life that at times can socially cripple me and leave me devastated for no exterior apparent reason. A car backfire, a child's shriek, the banging of pots or plates, an eerily similar face or physical scenario. The approach of a stranger, a sudden hunch, a touch from a friend or peer that feels threatening. All of these things and many more. I cannot categorize or quantify them all, and due to such, I am often unable to steel or prepare myself for when a reaction may occur. I hate it and am unable to prevent it. I wish it was not this way, but I have learned to live with it and educate those around me about its effects on myself.

Often when an episode occurs, I have learned to settle myself quickly and turn to humor and self deprecating quips to dispel attention and concern. Inside though I am often in flight or fight mode and it is an extreme effort to retain my composure and plaster a smile on my face. Other times, the adrenaline is too much, my reaction is too extreme and I have to leave the scene in order to compose myself. Sometimes my entire endocrine system dumps and after picking myself up off the ground I have to go lay down and at times have slept for a few hours till it stabilizes. Other times, I can burst into tears, spout off explanations that make no sense and merely run.

I wish it was not so.

To every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. We are not islands unto ourselves. Our environment plays a large part on how we internally and externally process the world around us. I am learning this more and more as I cease the soothing and coping behaviours that have become quite common in my life and I strive to live with more integrity and authenticity. In short, I am finding resolution with myself and others by communicating and stopping many of my reality avoidance mechanisms. I am becoming more present each and everyday, due to intentional choices and living.

None of this has been easy and I must confess to feeling and living rather raw at times. It has not been a simple process for me or for those I spend time with and communicate with.

They say that we can easily hurt those that we love. I know this to be true. In the safety and comfort of acceptance and friendship, I often react and fight back the hardest. I struggle to keep things in check within myself and my words and choices are not always easy for others to understand or accept.
I have triggers. I believe we all do. My friends and family know mine best. They see me from the outside in. They know when and where to say things, to bring up certain subjects and when and how to delay certain discussions till I am in a better place. Sometimes we are all taken by surprise.

I have strong opinions and ideas. Most of these have been formed by long years of experience, isolated events, trauma, education and observation. I rarely am at a loss for explaining the why or how of the manner in which I live or the world view that I have, though it seems to shift with each new experience and mind opening circumstance or piece of information.

Do other people live in this manner? In a constant state of internal flux and crisis management brought on by their environment and the words, beliefs and actions of others?

I do not blame or excuse personal responsibility for my words and actions based on the idea that such are uncontrollable or instinctual on my part due to flaws or the wounds of my past. I am striving to understand myself and why I can flare so without seeming provocation or warning. Certain things incense me, move me to tears, hurt deeply, enrage me at my lack of control and all too often my poor communication skills about emotion and social norms leave everyone in my vicinity worse off and myself further isolated.
This is on my mind, due to such an event last night. My parting words with a dear friend were these. "I love you and I hate you, however that may work."  I know I have hurt him often and repeatedly due to our differences in belief and ideology. We process the world differently and often butt heads and minds over things that others would consider of no import, but many times the things we discuss and debate are of great import and as such govern and instruct the very life decisions upon which our futures rest. For the pain and confusion I have caused him, I apologize profusely and sincerely. Will you forgive me? I do not want my short comings and flaws to spell destruction for the friendship and relationship we have forged out of shared burdens, dreams and questions.

What triggers you? What are your "hot buttons"? What things, events, situations, topics or concepts push you to react and how do you handle such things? Triggers can be both good and bad. They move us and inspire us to action. They can spur us onto greater and more noble things. They can also set up the chain reactions that eventually implode and destroy the fabric of our lives and relationships.

I have a lot to think about today. The top is down on the car. I am going to take a shower and shave, put on some clothes and head into the city and think at my coffee shop. Today will be church, friends and a shared meal. I hope in the spaces I find myself, I can be self aware and make good choices. I know today will be great I simply have to find a way to engage my safety and refrain from friendly fire.

That is all right now.

daemon

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Words

Stunning night for a top down drive. No music, no destination, only wind and the open road. I have got out of the habit of writing. I read others words and am inspired again. Some of the bloggers I read have a way of capturing time and space and bringing me along for the ride inside their heads. They have a knack for reaching into their own heads and sharing the thoughts we all have in one place, bringing us closer in the experience and making me feel not quite so alone in this world.

It was a good day. My life keeps becoming intentionally more simple by choice. I missed holding hands with someone today. Being solitary has its own gifts and costs. I guess I am still processing being single. Close and involved with so many but still walking alone. Cancelled and rescheduled with Lucas tonight. We were to head downtown and share face and space at 7 pm, but I could tell that my weariness was going to be longer than a 1 hour nap, so had the presence of mind to call him up and beg off. I love that guy. More on him later. Hard to explain our brotherhood. A friend in need we have been for each other many times.

Got some more sun today. Spent time reading in my hammock in the light. I can't say I was all that productive, but then my to do list is rather short as I head into the weekend. Highlight of the day was an amazing nap and great drive around the lake in the gloaming. I can live with that.

Tomorrow is Friday and I have nothing planned. If it was Saturday I would go to the Farmers Market  but it is not. Daniel invited me to go camping with the guys out at Watkins Mill Lake. I may just do that. Would have to leave by 4pm. It is possible. I guess I will make that decision when I get up tomorrow. Could be a great weekend trip. I know Greg and some other guys I know are going, but do I really want to? I will figure it out.

I think I will hit the sack. I need to find some inspiration to write about. Maybe sleep will help. I have a new coffee to try in the morning. That is something to look forward to. Good night.

daemon

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Sickening

Coming soon to a city near you...hate. Brought to you by the Church, bigoted parents and closeted teens.


Monday, June 4, 2012

My day

Today was simple. I woke early after a good sleep. I got cleaned up and ate  a light breakfast. My to do list was all about the house and yard, so put on a pair of shorts and t-shirt, pulled on my old kicks and headed outside.

I started by walking the entire grounds, making note of what needed to be trimmed, weeded or worked on and made a mental list of what I would do first. I went to my garden shed and gathered the tool that I needed and got to work. First thing on the agenda was to weed and edge my planting spaces, flower beds and vegetable garden. I was just getting started when I heard my neighbor say hello and wave me down to her house.

I really don't like stopping when I am working on a project and was up to my elbows in dirt at the time, but Bernice is 98 years old and not one to be kept waiting! I love her dearly and she has adopted me as her grandson. So I brushed myself off the best that I could and hurried down the road to see what she might need.

She invited me in, as it was heating up already and merely wanted to sit and talk for a bit. She brought me some iced water and asked about how things were going. Little questions and easy answers. I really do think she just needed someone to talk to for a bit. I have made it a point to visit her several times each week now to check in on her and that has made us both very happy. She read about a restaurant that she would like to try in Westport and we made plans to go down there to eat and shop soon. She really is a gift. I love talking to her and listening. She still lives on her own and is amazing. I can't say enough good things about her. :)

So while sitting there in her living room, I started to get antsy. I was already dirty and wanted to get back to my yardwork and chores. Once I get going, its like a ticking clock in my head to get things done. I am not one to rush through things, but I do love a completed project, rather than one in process. We wrapped up our conversation and I headed back up the street to work.

Once the weeding and edging was done it was time to shape and trim my hedges, bushes, trees and landscaping. I have spent  a lot of time over the last few years planting and turning my property into one that not only I enjoy to spend time in but that also looks pleasing to myself, neighbors and friends who visit. When every section and side of the house has plantings and landscaping it can take quite a while to get everything done, even when I keep up with it on a weekly basis.

Needless to say, all of that took 5 hours, at which point the temperature was quickly climbing above 90 degrees and it was time to call it a day. I spent some time cooling down and watering my plants and garden. The tomatoes, potatoes, corn and green beans are doing great. My herbs are loving this weather and all the hostas, flowers and plants seem to be pretty happy. In the working of the ground and with plants, I really do find a settled peace within myself. Time seems to slip away and tending to all of this life appeals to something deep inside me. It makes me very happy.

Before I went inside, I walked the grounds again, looking at my work, noting the changes and satisfied with what I accomplished. It really looks sharp and makes me smile. Tomorrow will be getting the mowing in and putting the finishing touches on the yard. I will be up early again to avoid the heat but look forward to sitting down with some iced tea when it is complete.

I came inside and got cleaned up and decided to head into the city. I showered and shaved, selected a light linen shirt and shorts and decided to wear some leather flops that are comfy. I left the hardtop on the car today and cranked up the AC. It was a different drive, considering I haven't had the top up for weeks now. Once in town, I decided a beer sounded better than coffee this late in the day, so stopped by my friends bar to chat with the guys and Austin, my friend who works there. I sipped a freezing cold beer and caught up on the news from the weekend and Pride. It sounds like everyone had a really great time. I know I did.

After hanging out for a while, I came back home. Fixed myself some lunch and considered going to Brian's pool party that he invited me to. I had a swimming bag packed and had already bought some Italian sausages to take, but somewhere in the middle of planning and leaving I decided not to go. The party was from 3 pm to 3 am and I had a really good idea what it would not only be like, but also who would be there. I had ran into Brian yesterday after I came back from Pride with my friends and he gave me a big kiss, told me he loved me and invited me to his party. He was also drunk.

So I didn't go to the party. I laid down and took a nap. And then I got up and wrote this. It has been a good day.

daemon

Ridiculous

Friday, June 1, 2012

Chris and I: A Memory

What I did

I slept but then I woke up. I stretched real hard. My toes popped. I rolled over and rubbed my eyes. The light was grey. It smelled like rain. I rubbed my legs together and flipped the sheets off. Scratched my chest and took a deep breath then blew it out. I grabbed my glasses and put them on. My boner hurt. I had to pee but ignored it. The room was cool. I curled my toes and popped my back. Then I remembered who I was and what for. My tummy growled. My brain came on and I got up.

I grabbed some shorts to put them on then figured what the hell? I went to pee and then stood there. I looked at my eyes. They looked at me. Time for water. I walked to the kitchen and grabbed a glass, filled it up and drank it down. The water splashed off my lips and down my chest. It felt good. I rubbed it in. My body yawned. I scratched my head and then I sniffed. Walked back down the hall. My dick relaxed so I went and peed. That felt good.

I came downstairs and did some laundry. Turned on my computer and flopped right down. Read some words and they made me smile. Talked to friends and then I stopped. I made some coffee. The machine was loud. It smelled real good. It tasted better. I cracked some eggs then fried potatoes. The bacon popped. I wiped it up. The toast was done. I used some butter. That was odd, I thought to myself. I never use butter, only jam. I made a plate. Sat down and ate. Then I felt better.

I grabbed some shorts and then a tee. I put them on, so they couldn't see. My naked body when I went out, out of doors. That's kind of silly, but I play along. The sky was blue, the birds were loud. I walked around and said hi to my plants. The dogs said hi. They were kind of insistent. I waved hello and said hi back. The grass was wet. The air was cool. I walked around while waking up. The world seemed fine, so back inside.

I sat down and talked to friends who weren't even here. That's pretty neat. They made me smile. I read some words. They made me mad. I told some other people. They replied. It went on and on and left me confused. I'm glad they care. Wish they understood. I wrote some words and sent them off. Checked my phone and decided to call. It was nice. I like his voice. He asked me things. I said some things, then at was over. I got naked and then got wet. Being clean makes me smile. I shaved my face. I shaved my balls. Brushed my teeth then drank more coffee. I smelled real good. I got turned on.

I watched some naked guys inside my head.  One was me. I touched myself. I thought about him. I touched myself. I thought about me. I touched myself. I touched myself a lot. My body snapped and I made noises. I felt better. I wiped all up. Now I'm awake. The day is ready. What to do?

I listened to music. I said hi to friends. I planned my day then I got dressed. Decided not to so got undressed. I did some laundry. I cleaned my room. The dishes were out so I put them away. I cleaned the garage and moved my cars. I cleaned one off and ignored another. I sat outside. I looked at the sky. I saw my neighbor so I talked to him. He listens well or maybe ignores me. They look the same but I pretend he cares. I came back home. I chopped some vegetables. Grilled the chicken and boiled the pasta. It fit in the pan so I put it in. The oven cooked. The timer beeped so then I ate. Then I was full.

I watched some movie but couldn't sit still so talked to friends and cleaned the floors. I folded clothes and talked to strangers. They listen to me because they don't know me. They say they care but we all want something. I felt better and that's the trick. I hung up some clothes and put away shoes. I looked in the mirror and thought a lot. I changed my clothes then took my shirt off. Then I worked out. My body sweat and I turned red. My arms felt good but my legs were sore. I took a shower and enjoyed the light. I thought about someone and touched myself. I kept touching myself. I touched myself till it rained on my feet. The water rinsed me all away. I toweled off hard. Didn't need to shave again. I stood there and breathed then I stretched. That felt great. My back popped. I love my body.

I went upstairs and laid down. Couldn't read, so got back up. I walked around. I stared out windows. Watered my plants that live inside. Called my Mom. She was happy. Dad was asleep. The had walked Gloucester. That sounded nice. Wish I was there. I need a hug and the ocean. Maybe later but not today.

I went outside. I came inside. I read some words. They made me think. I talked to friends and then decided. I would go. Go to the park. Go to the park and watch some movies. I put on pants and then a shirt. I pulled a sweater over my head. I fixed my hair and grinned at myself. I picked a ring and a watch. The towel fit in. The jacket fit in. The hat fit in. The snacks fit in. The water fit in. The bag was ready.

I closed the house and flipped on lights, Turned on some music and then I left. I drove my car right into the city. I like to drive. It makes me smile. My jeans felt good. It had been a while. A while since I had anything on my legs. Driving is fun. The sun came out. I parked my car and walked outside. I smiled at people. They smiled back. A dog said hi. I said hi to him. I know it was a him, cause he had a penis. Just like me. Well not just like me, but you get the idea. I bought some coffee. The usual for me. I don't even order any more. Just hand him paper and metal and he gives me coffee. I think they get the short end of the deal. I tip the guy. He always smiles. I wonder who he is, when he is not my coffee guy?

I sat down and read some words. Planned some trips and drank my coffee. The ice touched my teeth. I forgot a straw. I went outside and said hi to friends. I listened to music. I walked around. I stood and posed. They took their picture. I wonder why. I always wonder why. I went inside and got my refill. Looked at my phone. It didn't look back. People came in. They needed space. I gave them my table. They were too thankful. Must not be from here but I was grateful. I went outside. I walked around and then drove down. Down to the park.

I walked. Walked for blocks. I saw a dead chipmunk but it wasn't sad. The flowers waved. I stared back. How does one wave to flowers? I almost took a picture but then I didn't. I just kept walking. The park was green. There were guys playing rugby. I stopped and looked at them. They looked at me. They kept playing then. I knew some of them. They said I should join last year, but I forgot. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.

I found a spot and stared at the city. The sun was pretty. I took some pictures. I drank some water. I looked at people. There were bikes. A lot of bikes. So many bikes they have valet parking for the bikes. There were almost as many bikes as people. Some of the bikes carried two people. Those people seemed in love. I walked around and watched strangers. Groups of people making sounds. Groups of people drinking beers. Groups of people eating food. Everywhere smiling. I felt a part. A part of something. Like they knew me and were being polite not to interrupt my night. I picked a spot on the grass. I laid out my towel and then laid down. I read some book. I need to finish it. Catcher in the Rye. You may have read it.

I watched the sky. I watched the clouds. I rubbed my tummy. I listened to sounds. I bounced my leg. I read some book. I drank some water. I had to pee. So I did. No, not right there. Over at the bathroom. What do you think I am? I came back and laid back down. I listened to people. They were talking. Lots of laughing. I wiggled my legs, I tapped my toes. I watched the clouds say hello. A plane flew over. The sun went down. They raised the screen. It was neat.

We watched a movie. We watched 20 movies. We went all over the world and saw so many things. I laughed really loud. I thought really hard. I smiled to myself and strangers. I rolled on the ground. I sat up. I drank water. It got darker. They said some words. I walked around. I gave my dollars to a homeless boy who asked with a sad smile. I was going to buy me some food but I had already ate twos time today. I watched him buy food and share it with his dog. His dog ate first and then he ate. His name is Shane. His dog is his only friend. His dogs name is Thor. They were hungry. It made me smile the help them out. It also made me hurt. I wish I had more dollars with me. I am glad I gave him those. I am happy Shane and Thor got to watch the movies. Everyone needs dreams and smiles.

The movies started again. There were amazing and moving. The last one made me cry. I packed right up and walked on back. I thought some then thought some more. I drove my car. I like to drive. I drove in silence. Nothing but engine, wind and thoughts. I went home.

I came inside and thought about writing. It was late. I made a snack. I thought about the films, all the pictures and sounds I had seen. I had more questions. Questions that didn't get answered. I read some words. I got naked. I turned off the lights. I looked at my phone. Said goodnight to friends and laid on down. I laid there quietly. I laid there loudly. I touched myself. I thought about him. I rolled over and cuddled my pillow. I wish it was him. I am really tired. I sniffed my nose and sprawled on out. Then I was gone.

daemon